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32 reviews in total

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23 out of 26 people found the following review useful:
Sven-Ole or Arnold? Doesn't matter! Bring him the comater!, 22 March 2005

Author: KnatLouie from Copenhagen, Denmark

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I have to say that this is one of my all-time favorite movies, and no, I am not crazy. I just have a fondness for bad movies and bad actors. This movie has it all! My 10 stars come from this:

1: A Bad Guy who's more sympathetic than the hero. I rooted for Secundus throughout the movie, he's the most interesting character of the two, Abraxas is just boring and has a really bad hairdo; is he bald or does he have a ponytail? Neither, he has both! Secundus has a cool beard and a huge scar across his face, making him look really tough! Plus he doesn't whimper and flutter around when he gets hurt like Abraxas does..especially when timetravelling through water!

2: The totally incomprehensible plot. The Comater? Sargacia? Finders? Anti-Life Equation? Volted T-Squared? Pla-steel? Answerboxes?? I need to find the co-mater, he must have the answers to all of this..

3: A redundant cameo from a 'big name' actor. James "Jim" Belushi appearing as the seemingly VERY incompetent principal, who doesn't understand children at all. Looks like the scene was a late write-in to give Marjorie Bransfield at least one good actor to work with - that is, her own husband at the time..

4: Excruciatingly bad and misplaced music. Soft saxophone music playing when the two men are fighting?? A 'happy tune' taken straight from "Manhunter" playing during the final showdown?? This movie would work much better with 'real' movie music, or at least a heavy metal-soundtrack! Carlos Lopes must die! Or at least get fired and sued for impersonating Kenny G.

5: A cover which has almost nothing to do with the movie. Space? Universe?? It's more like a snowy forest on earth most of the time, the only things 'space-like' is the two Brad Dourif look a likes in a cheesy 'space-station' talking about all this weird stuff no one understands anyway.(That's a cameo by the movie's director/Writer, Damien Lee as one of them, by the way).

6: Hilariously awful dialogue. Especially from Sven, who wrote it? I don't understand some of his lines, we need a subtitled version out there! "The anti-life equation is tantamount to magic. It would make me a GOD, anything less is death!" and "Looks like they lined your skull with pla-steel" - what's THAT supposed to mean?? "Have a nice day!"

7: Flaws and plot holes by the dozen. Where did Carl, Sonias boyfriend go? Where did the UZI come from? And how come Secundus couldn't find any use for it? Why did Secundus go to a strip-club? How come he eats, and Abraxas doesn't? Did the Camper dad get his 4x4 back? Does anyone care? Why is there three narrators (Abraxas, Secundus and Sonia)? Why does Abraxas scream and flutter when he arrives in the water, when Secundus doesn't even flinch? Does a 'Life-Equation' exist as well? How did Sonia give birth to Tommy with her pants still on? How come she got pregnant just by being touched by Secundus? Where did the principal go when the school was being evacuated? How come the school-bully can have such an ugly mullet, and still look cool to the other kids? How does the answer-box know if a person contains the anti-life equation, even before the test has been run? Why do people "discorporate" when the test is being run on them? Etc etc.

8: JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA (almost) NAKED in front of a kid! He's sitting in a bed, showing his rugged chest-wig, and talking about "two men who were once partners, and now find it very hard" etc...It was supposed to have been touching and emotional, but mostly comes out as being creepy and yet, very amusing. His box has VD, that means no touching it!

9: SVEN-OLE "SVEN" THORSEN (almost) getting an Oscar-nomination with the performance of his life! His acting in this movie is some of the best I've ever seen him do, although you can tell that he's clearly trying to rip off his old friend Arnold Schwarzenegger, to little avail. I still think he's cool though, he's the best thing that has come out of Denmark since Hans Christian Andersen. Check him out in 'The Viking Sagas' if you want to see a totally different, but almost equally big Thorsen-role - although a lot more serious. But his dialogue in this movie is the best I've ever seen/heard from him, highly recommended for all Sven-Ole fans out there (I know we are a few, I am not alone!) He should have his picture on IMDb, not just on his own website! I thought it was pretty weak that he was credited as "Sven Ole-Thorsen" in the movies end credits, which just is another piece of evidence that this movie was sloppily made by lazy people who didn't bother to do a proper job of editing! Thorsen should follow Arnold and Jesse's footsteps and become governor of some state, which would probably make this movie more famous. Or perhaps even prime minister of Denmark.. that would seriously rock!

10: The Abundance of Product Placement (more like Product Disgracement), especially by Pepsi Cola. Even though the movie supposedly was sponsored by the Coca-Cola Company? Maybe that's why Secundus destroys a bunch of Pepsi's.

I'd love to see a remake of this someday, or at least a new 'Directors Cut' with all the minor flaws corrected, and perhaps some additional footage! But what can I do but fantasize, this movie will never get it's due by others than hardcore bad movie trash-fanatics. (But we still buy the DVD's, so they better make a De Luxe version of 'Abraxas' soon!)

ALL HAIL SECUNDUS! (or he will "krosh your skollz")

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18 out of 23 people found the following review useful:
Poorly made Terminator rip off, 10 May 2005

Author: mstomaso from Vulcan

OK. Nobody in their right mind could have expected much from this movie. But even though I knew Jesse Ventura was the headliner and that the budget was low, I didn't expect this film to be as bad as it was. The most glaring problem, surprisingly, isn't the acting. It's the sound. Ventura enunciates so poorly that it is easy to miss half of his lines (not that it matters in terms of moving the "plot" forward), and the sound itself is reminiscent of 16mm home movies. Expanding on the awfulness of the recording quality is one of the worst background soundtracks I have ever been forced to endure. Improvisational jazz, a U2-clone new wave band, and what sounds like a 12 year old with a Casio keyboard are randomly applied to the scenes in a manner reminiscent of the classically awful soundtrack of Manos: Hands of Fate. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/usercomments?start=10

Ventura and his arch-enemy (Sven Thorsen playing a cross between Grizzly Adams and Arnold Schwarzeneggar) don't bother with facial expressions, changes in pitch or intonation, This is probably a good thing, because the rest of the cast is actually passable. James Belushi's cameo is the highlight of the film. His scene is really quite funny, and placed well in the film, since it is likely to bring some viewers back from the brink of suicide. Damian Lee has a remarkable repertoire of poorly made extremely low budget films, and Abraxas is, amazingly, one of his better efforts.

The "plot" consists of two super-beings, one a rogue and the other a kind of intergalactic super-cop, who have arrived on earth. The rogue immaculately conceives with a human in order to spawn "the com leader" (At least I think that's what they call it - the sound is so bad that even after hearing this about 50 times in various accents, I still don't know what was being said). The com leader is a little boy who has the ability, when upset, to light fires and "spontaneously combust". Remarkably, the writers do not seem to have been aware that this phrase connotes self-immolation, not destructive potential. Abraxas' job is to stop the rogue, and to kill the 'com leader'. The Com Leader's mother is played by Marjorie Bransfield (the class of the acting talent here), and she appeals to Abraxas' super-humanity in an effort to save her son.

Predictable is too subtle. This film is frankly obvious from beginning to end. I can't recommend it to any but the most disciplined bad movie watcher.

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7 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
Cheapjack sci-fi boasts good Ventura performance..., 19 May 2006

Author: moonspinner55 from redlands, ca

He's no Laurence Olivier, but Jesse Ventura is very likable as an actor. Low-budget science-fiction B-flick with shades of "The Terminator" involves good cop Ventura chasing bad cop Sven-Ole Thorsen from the future to present-day Canada. The shoestring special effects are pretty much a joke, and the film never comes up with the kind of futuristic scenario depicted on the poster. However, this thing is almost single-handedly saved by handsome Ventura's low-key performance. No, he's not going to win any awards for his acting, but he doesn't force his dialogue and is an appealing presence on the screen. The picture is the epitome of mediocre, it isn't original nor remarkable, but on a minor, TV-viewing level it's decent fare. ** from ****

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7 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
I must locate Secundus!, 2 December 2005

Author: El_Zombiachi from United States

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Abraxas. Wow. Where do I start? This film touched me in a special way. It was much the same way, in fact, that Ventura's character attempts to touch many of the young boys in the film.

Ventura's performance as the title character is incredible as he varies from ass-whooping and randomly blowing up snow to attempting to seduce young boys. It's an awe-inspiring portrayal. With his "Answer Box," which looks suspiciously like the sticker off a Nerf gun, Jesse quests to save Tommy, a frantic, hyperactive child who runs to random locations for no apparent reason and has the amazing ability to control other people's bladders. This is apparently a deadly secret called the "anti-life equation" that Ventura has to stop.

Ventura regularly ignores his programming, but the programming always provides him much more logical commands than the options he pursues. "If you let this woman live, the whole universe will be destroyed! She must die!" Somehow, since either way this woman must die, it would seem logical to save the rest of the universe, yes? Wrong! What Ventura chooses to do is ignore this command, marching away to find more snow to blow up. The plot is scattered with these lapses in logic and reason that Ventura embraces. His nemesis, Secundus also has these lapses in reason. He has no inspiration or motivation to destroy the universe, at least not one that is made apparent through the weak audio, that sounds as though it was recorded through a Fisher-Price tape player. Even the DVD has the sound quality of a Casio keyboard with a mattress being pressed against the speakers.

Another critical aspect of this film is the soundtrack, which sound more like a soft core adult film that a futuristic action thriller. The first 45 minutes sound like a Kenny G album just happens to be playing in the background, completely ruining any mood. A chase scene between two arch-nemeses becomes a playful romp in the woods. Two robot-men gripped in a life or death struggle looks more like flirtatious cuddling.

The explosions are gratuitous. The budget for this film was clearly as follows: 80%, pyrotechnical supplies; 15% delicious and refreshing Pepsi products scattered throughout, 3% vehicles, 2% makeup, costumes, lighting, sound, paying for cast and crew, and care for Mr. Ventura's dynamic rat-tail. Things explode in this film that don't ordinarily explode: snowdrifts, empty wooden crates, people's heads, etc. Oddly, car explosions are limited to maybe one, despite that several crash into the, as we all know, volatile and explosive snow. My assumption is that the producers had to return these to the Hertz dealership and had made the decision not to pay rental insurance, because as we all know, station wagon insurance is maddening.

This was another comedy-gold film that had me begging for the end like a Bills fan in a Super Bowl. I glanced at the clock when I hit the 60 minute mark, feeling as though I had been seated in one place for something like a decade watching Jesse stumble around, ignoring his programming like the good robot he is. I couldn't fathom that this went on for another 30 minutes. Thankfully, it finally came to an end, with Ventura destroying the antagonist (Sven Ole-Thorson) by testing him to see if he possessed the anti-life equation and making his head arbitrarily explode. Ventura decides to remain on Earth in the loving arms of Tommy or his mother (the film isn't exactly clear which), and we all leave the DVD player a little wiser.

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6 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Worthy of MST:3K, 6 January 2006

Author: edevin from United States

The overall story is not dreadful, but it plays along as if a 10-year-old wrote it. Combine that with sub-sub-par acting, minimal (at best) effects work (someone had a lot of fun with gasoline explosions), and a soundtrack that sounds like it came straight from a bad '70s porn flick, and you end up with "Abraxas." There are a few funny parts, though. One was Jim Belushi playing a principal named "Latimer." That was his character's name (and position) in his earlier movie, "The Principal." The other was a character saying "a parsec is not an acceptable unit of time measurement on Earth." Obviously, a nod to the infamous "Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs" line from Star Wars. Overall, if you don't *have* to see Abraxas, don't.

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5 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Timecop mixed with terminator, 24 December 2005

Author: hotofthepress2 from United Kingdom

ABRAXAS , GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE .Chessy low-budget film a cross between terminator and time-cop well worth the watch, great one liners, poor effects but hey more than makes up for it in some of the fight scenes and dialogue. music with this film is awful soft jazz through out just turn your ears off .With a few more bucks this film could have been a half decent flick but like all low budget films resources are not always available .But if your stuck one evening and want to have a laugh and pick out the worst and best parts of the film worth the look.I am sure that the film would make an impression on your mind but only for a few minutes. But i enjoyed it in a sad funny way

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5 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Best Bad Movie Ever!!!, 20 December 2006

Author: darkknightsds from Gotham City

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

If you are expecting something serious out of this movie, then stay away. But if you are one of those types who loves to laugh at bad-acting and even worse story lines, then you will find this to be the "Best Bad Movie Ever." From Jim Belushi as a clueless teacher to Jesse Ventura's sexual healing, this movie has it all. You will not stop laughing as a naked Minnesotan Governor invites a young boy into his bed to teach him about "Two men who were partners." You will be puzzled as Mr. Ventura walks in on the mom showering, only for the mom to not be startled at all. A high-school girl will become pregnant and give birth in a matter of seconds, while Sven prances around killing kids.

At the end of this pitiful movie, you will most likely want to die, but it is still worth a few good laughs! A must! I give it a -10 and a 10!!! I guess he average would then be 0, or 1, since that's closest!

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7 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
The funniest movie ever!, 21 June 2007
Author: clearose-1 from Australia

Anyone who writes up a serious critique of this movie is INSANE!!! It's hilarious, end of story. Thank God somebody made this film. Laughter therapy all the way.Among the sordid and strange moments in this movie are scenes a women giving birth without taking off her pants, and disturbing (but funny) "moments" of bizarre intimacy between the lead man and "Tommy" the young alien/human hybrid. MST3K would have fun with this one but it's already so funny on it's own there's probably not much they could add.Just go in expecting the corniest plot, most cliché-filled narrative, and worst acting you've ever seen in a movie and you wont be disappointed. Just don't eat while watching, you might choke. 10 line minimum huh? Well that's all i have to say. :)

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7 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
throwaway for Saturday afternoons, 18 November 2006

Author: (winner55) from United States

the big question is, as professional wrestlers go, does Jesse "the Body" Ventura make a better actor than governor of a mid-West state with economic troubles? And the answer is: No.

Whew! for a minute there, I thought we were going to have problems.

Except for the Body himself, the acting in this film is pretty good, and the script and direction indicate that there is a real vision here, and that the writer-director has some talent worth developing. The scene in the burning warehouse where the young boy is being tracked down by the bad-guy is genuinely scary.

However, the low budget prevented this film from reaching any potential - beyond that of an enjoyable throwaway for Saturday afternoons when the weather's ho-hum and you're looking for some excuse not to mow the lawn. but on that level, as forgettable filler, it's not so bad.

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2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Keep a straight-face., 30 September 2008

Author: lost-in-limbo from the Mad Hatter's tea party.

Anything starring ex-wrestler / former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura gotta be worth your weight in gold. After appearing as support in such films 'Predator', 'The Running Man and 'Ricochet', his first leading role happens to be in something rather lesser; 'Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe'. It's a low-rent, corny b-grade sci-fi chase get-up in the form of those efforts done in the late 80s / early 90s ('The Hidden', 'The Peacekeeper' and 'Dark Angel') with certain elements of 'The Terminator' (1984) obviously featuring.

Abraxas, an alien officer comes to earth to track down a renegade who plans to impregnate a woman with a child, which would be an actual ticking time bomb waiting to explode if caught in the wrong hands. He captures the renegade, but is too late to stop the pregnancy. Instead of destroying the threat, he spares the mother and baby's life. Times passes and the renegade escapes and heads back to earth to find the child, but Abraxas is soon on his trail by trying to get to the child first.

It's best that you just go with the flow. Don't look too hard into it, as it won't be impossible to get some sort enjoyment out of it with its unintentional mocking and bizarre nature (like the birth scene). Ventura rocks, but something about his burly physic not matching up to his well-mannered delivery of the material raises some chuckles with his almost-like second-rate Terminator impression. At times the chewy dialogues (honestly it was Shakespeare stuff) seemed too much of a mouth-fall for the two outer-space guests. A robotic Sven-Ole Thorsen forcefully played the evil foe, but Ventura has an sincerely likable air to him that makes him rather appealing in the role. Marjorie Bransfield is decent in her part. Also appearing in very minor support is James Belushi (who has a ridiculous conversation with Bransfield's character) and the dependable Michael Copeman.

Damien Lee (b-grade actor/writer/director) manages to make the production look better technically than its budget would allow. Sure the minimal special effects and (out of place slow-motion) action set-pieces are low-scale, but modestly crafted. It's well-photographed and the soundtrack is a flavoured sample of swiftly soothing jazz (odd I know) and electrifying rock. The flabby script is constantly stiff drivel and the screenplay while focused is still quite pedestrian (with a meandering midsection), but whenever Ventura's narrative voice-over pops up it amuses. The supposed humour on the other hand, (which the script tries for in parts) is dumb and falls flat, because they're not the moments you'll laugh at. Talk about a dud of an ending.

Undistinguishable, but better than expected camp that has some heart.

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