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Not like anyone really will see this page (unless accidentally via a
search for ninja-themed movies, which is totally understandable), but
for your own sake, do not watch this movie. I have seen perhaps twenty
movies that are on the Bottom 100 (and many that should be, like this),
and I can honestly say that this, along with Charge of the Light
Brigade and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, is the most
unbearably bad movie ever.
It's not "so bad it's good," despite what some might think. It's "did human beings really think 'hey, let's make this movie' and why am I gritting my teeth so hard?" Honestly, even as spoof films go, it's terrible. Not one joke is funny. Not ONE. Some parts (the whole movie) are so unfunny, that one wonders if the script were written by anyone over the age of five.
It doesn't deserve to have the word "ninjas" in the title. It doesn't deserve to exist. Don't watch it. My friends and I did so that, hopefully, you all don't have to. Don't watch it.
I was at a recording studio with my band for a weekend when we saw this
one together (There were only Dawn of the Dead, Hills have eyes 2 and
this, so..). At first we didn't know what to expect, just looking for
something to kill spare time. Nobody read the cover before it started
rolling, so we didn't know if it was a serious martial arts movie,
drama or comedy etc.
After the first five minutes all of our mouths had just dropped wide open and we all kept asking: "What the hell??" The movie started out with jokes so unfunny, childish and Buster Keaton-like and kept them coming. Since none of us were prepared for this, we started laughing quietly at first and then harder and harder as the quality of comedy kept dropping down.
Some of the stuff in this film, especially some of the one-liners became memorable as hell during that weekend as we had this running in the background repeatedly about a dozen times or so. We were all pretty tired and of course enjoying something this bad as a group with our kind of sense of humor we had really had a blast. I know it's were poor movie in it's genre but we loved it and it will live in our memories for a long time.
You like ninjas right? And sex, yeah? That's good too. Comedy? Well, we
all like a laugh. Get this - this films includes all these elements yet
utterly fails on every single level, to the point where, in order to
get through to the end, I had to watch this film in twenty minute
chunks over the course of several days.
Don't get me wrong, from the moment I opened the DVD case and poured this foul smelling, peanut ridden pile of crap into my poor, innocent DVD player, I knew I was on to a loser. It's 9 and a half weeks, done Airplane style, with ninjas, apparently written by someone with no emotional core who read in a book somewhere what a joke was, then tried to make a film about it.
It's full of sight gags (sh*te gags, more like), slapstick (crap sick, more like), terrible acting, terrible jokes a child would find simple, Benny Hill style sped up antics, and when the nudity comes around (very, very briefly) - it's silicone enhanced, which to me is like painting a ping pong ball pink and sellotaping it to my scrotum.
I actually cringed at one point when the lead actress started acting like a baby. That's no good, is it?
The plot involves a ninja/businessman called Joe Vogue fighting a businessman who wants to evict him from his apartment, with the help of some woman whom he trains to be a ninja. That's the plot. There's an actor who turns up in various, terrible roles (including a french guy and a surf dude), a woman with a moustache (Stop, my ribs can't take much more), a gay ninja (that's hilarious and co), some Jewish rabbis included because, er, rabbis are funny or something.
If I've made you interested in this film, please accept my humblest apologies. This make trash like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans look almost sophisticated by comparison.
Here's a list of things funnier than this film: 1) Watching a small cute puppy being eaten by a crocodile. 2) Accidentally losing three fingers in an industrial accident. 3) Being caught wearing eyeglasses by Pol Pot. 4) Walking in on your wife while she's involved in a spit roast with two Premier League footballers. 5) Having Lyme's disease 6)Having ants lays eggs in your brain 7) Winning the lottery, stashing the ticket in your house, then having a massive stroke which results in locked in syndrome which means you can't tell anyone where the ticket is, therefore failing to provide for your family in their time of need. 8) Getting locked in a wardrobe full of glass and rolled down a hill. 9) Schindler's List 10) Having your entire body shoved through a one inch gap between two panes of glass 11) Staying at a hotel targeted by an IRA bomb during the early eighties 12) Getting really drunk and blacking out then coming to, finding yourself on the receiving end of a really big gay guy with a beard 13) Being trapped under ice on one of the great lakes. 14) Finding out you're related to Hitler 15) Having elephantitus of the scrotum 16) Being invited to Jeffrey Dahmer's house for a 'party' 17) Pulling a large piece of fluff from a fat guy's belly button and then eating it. 18) That film 'Threads' 19) Anything - anything is funnier than this film.
SPOILER - This film is sh*t
I wouldn't call myself a movie buff. I mean, I watch a lot of movies, I
play six degrees of separation using actors/directors, and I've been
accused on more than one occasion of cheating during games of scene-it,
the DVD trivia game, though I never have, I just happen to know more
about movies than members of my family. But I will say this: I have
seen a film that I would call a desecration of cinema. I have seen a
film that I believe no one could justify. Some people would say that
there is warrant for existence in all things, they would say that any
expression of creativity contains some type of merit. I can prove them
wrong. With what you ask? Well, if you actually have to ask that, I'm
sorry for you, because you are on the 9 1/2 ninjas board on IMDb, so
odds are I'm talking about that tragedy that some would call a movie.
Spoofs are often dangerous waters to try and tread. The spoof requires the craftsmanship of a real satirist, or at least someone with some kind of sense of humor. Typically, a spoof correlates somewhat with the plot of the film it is trying to spoof. Supposedly (but I don't believe it) this film is a spoof of 9 1/2 weeks. When I learned this, it begged a certain question: "What?" Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this film is supposed to be a spoof? Don't ask me how, though, I'm just the messenger. This is my biggest problem with the film: its a facade! There is no "spoof," only minor and hardly noticeable references to the film it's trying to spoof. And secondly, there is no real kung-fu. I am an avid Kung-fu film fan. And when I see the word ninja, I expect to see at least some form of semi-skilled combat. Though this film is a comedy, the often sophomoric attempts at fighting are just plain frustrating.
In short, I strongly recommend you don't see this movie. That's pretty much all there is to it.
Okay, we all know going into this one that it's going to be bad. Shame
on anyone who thought they'd be getting a classic motion picture, here.
This was what you'd call a "B" movie at it's best...or worst, depending
on who you listen to.
Basic plot line? Who cares. We're all here to see what happens when the star, Amee Gray takes off something. This is the early 90's when, along with really awful hair, most of your female leads would lose clothing. And...along with the aforementioned bad hair, she does. She's pretty by 1991 standards, but the looks are lost when she delivers any line. The woman's acting is pretty much like watching a middle school cast do Mamet. It just ain't happening...
Now remember, this movie was done in those days before the internet. Your typical teenage boy had to find movies like this to look at semi-clad women, or pick up a men's magazine. I suspect someone had that idea when coming up with "9 1/2 Ninjas". Make a movie with some skin in it...toss in some action, and find a joke writer to add a laugh. Then, when the movie has it's theatrical run, put Gray on the cover of the VHS clamshell in as little as possible. Put the movie in your local "Lou's Movie Rental" place that's probably a gas station as well, where one can rent a movie like this, and viola! It'll make money.
The acting is pretty wooden and sophomoric. But, I have to admit I laughed at the scene where there's a Ninja attack, and the actors slip on some sort of spilled oil.
Having friends who have had parts in low budget films, I have a warm spot in my heart for a movie like this. They are a "starting point" for talent and production people. And, if you think about it, the B-movie seems to have largely disappeared due to much better technology allowing slicker and better looking productions.
Do I recommend this movie? Sure! It'll give you something to tell your friends the next day.. "Holy crap did I watch a pretty rotten movie...but the girl in it was kinda hot for 1991!" Put this in your Que for "Bad Movies I Will never Own Up to Watching, But it Had Some Redeeming Reasons to Watch"...
4 out of 10, and that's being really generous.
I saw this movie for the first time about eight years ago, and I thought that it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. It didn't offer too much that I hadn't already seen, and even those jokes were delivered pretty badly. But I still love it!! I think that my major attraction to this movie is in that you can never quite tell what the people involved in this production were thinking. There are some gags in this movie that could have been really funny had they been pulled off by somewhat professional people, but the poor craftmanship in someway makes the movie much much better. It's a hard movie to obtain, but I recommend it to anyone who can find it. Even if it's not your kind of film, it should be experienced.
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