G.B.H. (1991– )
[a Doctor Who convention is taking place in the hotel. A man dressed as a Dalek is following a woman dressed as Doctor Who's assistant Jo Grant towards her bedroom]
Dalek: [Dalek voice] Foooooooooornicate! Foooooooooornicate!
Eileen Critchley: [provocatively, as a taunt] You *do* want to please me, don't you, Michael?
[Eileen Critchley ties a scarf around her neck and holds out the ends to young Michael Murray]
Eileen Critchley: Pull it, Michael. Tight! Tight! Strangle me!
Young Michael Murray: But why?
Eileen Critchley: I want to know what happens next.
Young Michael Murray: But *I* don't.
Eileen Critchley: You *do* want to please me, don't you, Michael?
Young Michael Murray: I do! I do! I want to.
Eileen Critchley: Well then, do it! Tighter, Michael. Tighter. Watch me, Michael. Tighter.
[she begins to choke, banging her feet on the ground and hitting his legs with her hands]
Young Michael Murray: I can't Eileen. It's wrong!
[he unties the scarf as Mr Weller arrives]
[In bed, Barbara Douglas lifts up the sheet and admires Michael Murray's "manhood"]
Barbara Douglas: Oooh. What a big boy. What a nice friend to have. What do you call him?
Michael Murray: Erm...
Barbara Douglas: You don't have to stop to think, do you?
Michael Murray: I dunno. He hasn't been christened. The priest objected.
Barbara Douglas: I thought all men had a name for him. Yours would have to be a very *long* name.
Michael Murray: You want me to tell you now?
Barbara Douglas: Yes, I'm fascinated. Particularly right now. Really. I collect them.
Michael Murray: Is that because you're an anthropologist?
[they both collapse in fits of giggles]
Barbara Douglas: Only partly. Go on Michael, name names.
Michael Murray: Nudger.
Barbara Douglas: Very sweet. Very gentle, your Nudger. Tell you Nudger he can be a little more forceful now.
[Michael is out jogging in the woods with his friends. He leads them in a ribald chant to spur them on]
Michael Murray: Fuck that Lenin. Fuck the workers. Fuck the bosses. Fuck the unions. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
[They continue in this vein for some time, until they return to Michael's limousine in which Barbara Douglas is sitting listening to classical music. Franky collapses with exhaustion on the bonnet of the car]
Franky Murray: Oh, fucking hell.
[Michael points at Barbara]
Michael Murray: Oi! Mouth!
Franky Murray: [to Barbara] I apologize. Sorry.
[Barbara grins at Franky]
[Dr Jacobs has summoned Jim Nelson for an emergency consultation. In the consultation room, he starts to undress in front of Nelson]
Jim Nelson: [looking worried] I should say right away, Dr Jacobs, that when I was eleven years old, a science teacher at my grammar school tried to seduce me one dinner time when I had taken a meal up to his room.
Dr. Jacobs: [chuckles] You're so very prim.
Jim Nelson: It was awful, Doctor. He turned round and he had a Crunchie Bar in one hand and his penis in the other. The door was locked. You've no idea how scared and surprised I was. He had a wife and children. He took the Second XV rugby team. He was a man. I only escaped after I threw the cheese flan at him - and the plate as well.
[Dr Jacobs continues chuckling helplessly; he has now undressed to his underpants and shirt]
Jim Nelson: No! Please, don't take your shirt off. This is terrible: I'd no idea. I'm sure all of us are, to a greater or lesser degree, homosexual. But since that time in the science room, I'm afraid, Dr Jacobs, I'm frigid with men. It's nothing to snigger about. Equally I've never been able to eat a cheese flan or a Crunchie Bar ever since.
[Barbara Douglas has invited Michael Murray up to her room. Michael needs condoms but the machine in the Gents is empty. He asks Geoff whether he has any]
Michael Murray: Please! Please. I'm on the promise of a lifetime and I need to be armed. How many have you got in your wallet?
Michael Murray: Can I borrow them?
Geoff: Borrow? I wouldn't want them back.
[Jake, an unruly hyperactive boy, has been annoying all the guests at the hotel when the Nelsons and the Niarchoses are staying. He throws a model aircraft which lands in Diane Niarchos's lap and then bangs into her as he retrieves it]
Diane Niarchos: [to Laura Nelson] That child is the finest advert for contraception I've ever seen.
[Telling her sister Barbara about Michael Murray]
Eileen Critchley: [whispers] I got him, Baba. I got him. Nobody knows it was me, but it *was* me. I got him. But now I'll never be able to get him again. You've got to get him - it's your turn now. You get him too. You'll *like* getting him. He's easy. He's so *easy*.
Grosvenor: Do you know what they call us in France, Mr Nelson? They call us "Les Fuck-offs"! They see us staggering around, nasty and oblivious, drunk in charge of a limited vocabulary and a lager can, and they say "Regardez les Fuck-offs"!
Jim Nelson: How can I be this strong - and tonight I'll be washing my feet in the sink?
Jim Nelson: Don't ever use that word to me. Don't ever, ever claim that what you're doing, Murray, has anything at all to do with socialism.
Michael Murray: Who won the last fight?
Franky Murray: The nigger in the fifth.
Michael Murray: Oh, come on! I can't tell my wife that! Come to think of it, I can't tell anyone that. Say "black people", for Christ's sake.
Franky Murray: The black people won in the fifth.
[waiting for Sloan outside a room where's he's making a speech, Murray sees a sign saying "Pavement Acquaintance Society"]
Michael Murray: What's that all about?
Peter Grenville: Trotsky. It's to prove the Party's got a sense of humour. "If you cannot convince a Fascist, acquaint his head with the pavement."
Michael Murray: [laughs] Wise old twat, Trotsky.
Michael Murray: Remind me again, are there one or two Ns in Hunningdon, Mr Hunningdon?
Joseph Cartwright: Three.
[twists aside in chair to reveal name sign on his desk]