Valentine McKee: Roger that Burt, and congratulations. Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers.
Earl Bassett: Is this a job for an intelligent man?
Valentine McKee: Well, show me one and I'll ask him.
Earl Bassett: We gotta run. We've got a schedule to keep.
Valentine McKee: Yeah. See, we plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me.
Valentine McKee: Earl explained it to me: we plan ahead, that way, we don't do anything right now.
Earl Bassett: Damn it Valentine, you never plan ahead, you never take the long view, I mean here it is Monday and I'm already thinking of Wednesday... It is Monday right?
[Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee are about to meet Rhonda LeBeck. Valentine McKee pictures her]
Valentine McKee: You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.
[Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee have just been chased by a 30 foot long monster]
Rhonda LeBeck: Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?
Earl Bassett: Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well you're half right.
[Burt Gummer, with his wife Heather at his side, berates the dead monster fought off with their "family arsenal"]
Burt Gummer: Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!
[Burt Gummer looks at his bomb shelter for perhaps the last time]
Burt Gummer: Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.
Earl Bassett: Dammit, Valentine! You never go for any girl unless she fits that stupid list of yours from top to bottom.
Valentine McKee: Well, sure.
Earl Bassett: Yeah, and it's dumber than my hind end! Like that Bobbie Lynn Dexter.
Valentine McKee: Tammy Lynn Baxter!
Earl Bassett: Doesn't matter. They're all the same: dead weight. "Ooh, I broke a nail!" Ugh! Makes my skin crawl.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, I'm a victim of circumstance.
Earl Bassett: I thought you called it your pecker.
Valentine McKee: STAMPEDE! Stampede, Earl! Get out of the way, get out of the way!
Earl Bassett: [waking up] You dumb shit. I was in a stampede once. Five hundred head, all hell-bent for the horizon.
Valentine McKee: Now, exactly how many cattle are required for a stampede, Earl? Is it three or more? Is there a minimum to 'pede?
Earl Bassett: I wish they'd stampede up your ass.
Earl Bassett: No way those things can outrun these horses!
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, for all you know, they can fly.
Earl Bassett: Well, there sure as hell ain't nothing to stop us now... everybody we know between here and Bixbe's already dead.
Burt Gummer: No tracks, no sign, no spoor... you'd think after eating all those sheep they'd have to take a dump *some*place
Valentine McKee: Come on you two, let's go, we're headed for the mountains!
Burt Gummer: [Hefts bag of weapons] If that's how we're doin it, we're going prepared!
Valentine McKee: We can't hold still long! These things are damn smart! They're getting smarter by the minute!
Burt Gummer: That's fine!
[Holds up a stick of dynamite]
Burt Gummer: We got some new things to teach 'em!
Rhonda LeBeck: They only respond to vibration, right? Couldn't we... distract them somehow?
Valentine McKee: Yeah, something to keep 'em busy, like a... like a decoy!
Earl Bassett: Hey Melvin... wanna make a buck?
Valentine McKee: That's how they git you. They're under the goddamned ground!
Valentine McKee: [hearing music from below ground] So where the hell's that goddamn golden oldie comin' from?
Valentine McKee: What the hell is going on! I mean what the hell is going on!
Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda you ever seen anything like this before?
Valentine McKee: Oh, sure Earl. Everyone knows about them we just didn't tell you.
[Burt cuts off a piece of fuse for a bomb for Earl]
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse
Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon!
Earl Bassett: Dammit, I'm gonna kick his ass!
Valentine McKee: I'm gonna help you.
[Ground Starts to bulge]
Earl Bassett: Must be a million of them!
[Grabiod breaks through the surface of the ground]
Valentine McKee: Nope, just one!
Earl Bassett: Run for it? Running's not a plan! Running's what you do, once a plan fails!
Valentine McKee: Good luck shithead.
Earl Bassett: Don't worry about me jerkoff.
Valentine McKee: Good morning Mr. Bassett, this is your wake up call. Please move your ass.
Earl Bassett: They must be long gone by now.
Valentine McKee: Yeah. Hey, why don't you go take a little stroll and find out?
Earl Bassett: No breakfast?
Valentine McKee: I did it yesterday. It was baloney and beans.
Earl Bassett: No, it was eggs. I made eggs. Over easy.
Valentine McKee: The hell you did! Baloney and beans. It's your turn!
[They go through a quick game of paper-rock-scissors, which Valentine loses]
Valentine McKee: Well, I guess when I'm your age, I'll forget what I eat, too.
Earl Bassett: What're you bringin' that vacuum cleaner, for?
Valentine McKee: I like this vacuum cleaner.
Earl Bassett: Y'never use it.
Valentine McKee: Well, it's good for parts.
[as the graboid feels at the building]
Valentine McKee: What's it doing, Rhonda?
Rhonda LeBeck: Why do you keep asking me?
Rhonda LeBeck: [to Val] Well, thanks for everything, you know, saving my life and stuff.
Rhonda LeBeck: I think I have a plan. Why don't we throw a bomb the way we want to go and then when it goes off, we run like goddamn bastards!
[Everyone looks at her]
Rhonda LeBeck: Pardon my French.
[Monster slams into a concrete retaining wall]
Earl Bassett: Stupid son-of-a-bitch, knocked itself cold!
Valentine McKee: Cold, my ass, he's dead! We killed it. We killed it! *Fuck you!*
[trapped on top of a boulder by a Graboid, Val, Earl, and Rhonda are thinking of explanations for where the creatures came from]
Valentine McKee: [joking] They're mutations caused by radiation. No, wait; the government made 'em. *Big* surprise for the Russians.
Rhonda LeBeck: Well, there's nothing like them in the fossil record... Okay, so they predate the fossil record.
[not buying it herself]
Rhonda LeBeck: That'd make them a couple of billion years old... and we've just never seen one until now. Right.
Earl Bassett: I vote for outer space. No way these are local boys.
Earl Bassett: [yelling] AHHH! AHHH!
Valentine McKee: What? What is it?
Earl Bassett: Damn prairie dog burrow.
Valentine McKee: Sons a bitches.
Rhonda LeBeck: No, you don't understand, these creatures are absolutely unprecedented.
Nestor: Yeah, but where do they come from?
Earl Bassett: You little asswipe! You don't knock it off you're gonna be shittin' this basketball... pardon my French!
Earl Bassett: [Valentine has just freed the truck from a hangup, after a struggle] Y'know, that's a good way to break an axle.
Valentine McKee: Could you shut up?
Earl Bassett: Hey, I don't need to spend the night out here!
Valentine McKee: [long pause] Crybaby.
Earl Bassett: Here's the plan. We don't even stop. Ride like hell. Tonight we keep right on going. We'll walk the horses.
Earl Bassett: Melvin! One of these days someone's gonna kick your ass!
Valentine McKee: We decided to leave town just one damn day to late!
Valentine McKee: What the hell's in those things, Burt?
Burt Gummer: A few household chemicals in the proper proportions.
Earl Bassett: [after digging out the dead graboid] There's no way Walter Chang's getting his slick mits on this for no 15 bucks.
Valentine McKee: You got that right!
Burt Gummer: [handing out weapons and refusing to give Melvin one] I wouldn't give you a gun if it were World War 3.
Valentine McKee: [speaking to Burt over a radio and is trying to tell him about the monsters] Burt, it's under the ground! It's an underground monster!
Burt Gummer: [over the radio, as a monster comes through his rec room wall] Jesus Chri...!
[transmission turns to static]
Valentine McKee: They're under the ground. They're under the ground!
Valentine McKee: I'll tell you. Nobody handles garbage better than we do.
Valentine McKee: [looking at Old Fred's messed-up corral with chunks of dead sheep lying on the ground] What the shit?
Valentine McKee: "We gotta do somethin'." I don't know why "we" always has to be me every damn time. We, we, we. What do I look like, an expert in worm?
Walter Chang: That's what I like... Graboids. That's it, Graboids!
Earl Bassett: Jesus, Walter.
Walter Chang: You're gonna be sorry if you don't give it a name.
Melvin Plug: Burt, you asshole! There's no bullets in this gun!
Burt Gummer: Got you moving, didn't it?
Heather Gummer: You didn't get penetration even with the elephant gun?
Burt Gummer: Shit!
Heather Gummer: Good Lord.
Valentine McKee: So what if we make it back to the rocks? We'll only last for 3 days!
Earl Bassett: Well I wanna live for the 3 days!
[Melvin has a Graboid snake tongue wrapped around his neck]
Melvin Plug: [screams] It's got me! It's got me!
[Melvin bursts into laughter. Everyone realizes he was playing a joke]
Walter Chang: Melvin!
Burt Gummer: Damn it, Melvin!
[gets in Melvin's face and Melvin stops laughing]
Burt Gummer: You came that close, too close. No more games.
Earl Bassett: Melvin, one of these days, somebody's gonna kick your ass.