Alan Dershowitz:
You are a very strange man.
Claus von Bülow:
You have no idea.
Sunny von Bülow:
[
narrating] I never woke from this coma, and I never will. I am what doctors call "persistent vegetative" - a vegetable. According to medical experts, I could stay like this for a very long time - brain dead, body better than ever.
Alan Dershowitz:
I'm not a hired gun. I've got to feel there's some moral or constitutional issue at stake.
Claus von Bülow:
But I'm absolutely innocent, and my civil liberties have been egregiously violated!
Alan Dershowitz:
I've got two black kids facing the electric chair for a crime they did not commit. THEY are innocent.
Claus von Bülow:
Well, before you assume I'm guilty, won't you hear my story?
Alan Dershowitz:
No. Never let defendants explain; puts most of them in an awkward position.
Claus von Bülow:
How do you mean?
Alan Dershowitz:
Lying.
Alan Dershowitz:
You do have one thing in your favor: everybody hates you.
Claus von Bülow:
Well, that's a start.
Alan Dershowitz:
Reminds me of my Hitler dream. You know, Hitler calls up, he's alive... needs a lawyer. I say, "Sure, come on over." Then I have to decide: do I take the case, or do I kill him?
Elon Dershowitz:
You? No question.
Alan Dershowitz:
I would take the case.
Elon Dershowitz:
THEN kill him.
Minnie:
Yeah, okay, so, someone's got to defend Claus. But why you, why us?
Alan Dershowitz:
Look, you're my student, you, you have a choice. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do; that is your choice. The reason *I* take cases - and here I'm unlike most other lawyers, who are not professors and therefore have to make a living - I take cases because I get pissed off. And I am pissed off here. The family hired a private prosecutor: unacceptable! They conducted a private search! Now if we let them get away with that, rich people won't go to the cops any more. You know what they're going to do? They're going to get their own lawyers to collect evidence - and then they are going to choose which evidence they feel like passing on to the DA. And the next victim isn't going to be rich, like von Bülow - but it's going to be some poor schnook in Detroit who can't afford, or who can't find, a decent lawyer.
Raj:
I agree von Bülow is guilty, but then, that's the fun - that's the challenge.
Alan Dershowitz:
Now THERE is a lawyer.
Sarah:
He had a gorgeous mistress and he went with an ugly whore?
Raj:
You know, there are some things even mistresses won't do.
Alan Dershowitz:
Like what?
Raj:
I am not telling.
Claus von Bülow:
Oh, I've been meaning to mention. Our understanding about... my extracurricular activities...
Sunny von Bülow:
Mmm?
Claus von Bülow:
I've been involved with someone who... falls outside the parameters of our agreement.
Claus von Bülow:
Well, so much for the first coma. The second, of course, was much more theatrical.
Alan Dershowitz:
Theatrical? What is this, a fucking game? This is life and death; your wife is lying in a coma. You, you don't even make a pretense of caring, do you?
Claus von Bülow:
'Course I care, Alan. It's just, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.
Sunny von Bülow:
Well, just because she had all the money before I had all the money does not mean she is my lord and master.
Claus von Bülow:
'Course not. I am your lord and master.
[
Sunny glares at him]
Claus von Bülow:
Just kidding.
Alan Dershowitz:
This is the most dangerous case I have ever worked on.
Claus von Bülow:
You find that exhilarating?
Alan Dershowitz:
No, I do not. I am breaking every rule. 'Cause the best way to win is to proclaim your innocence, and I have never done that for anybody. And the problem I got is, I see who you are. You'd do anything to win.
Claus von Bülow:
So would you.
Alan Dershowitz:
Yeah, but you don't trust the legal system.
Claus von Bülow:
You're saying I'd manufacture... witnesses? Affidavits?
Alan Dershowitz:
No. But you would sacrifice me.
Claus von Bülow:
Oh, please.
Alan Dershowitz:
See, the more I believe that you are innocent, the more nervous I am. I go out on a limb for you, you're proven guilty, I look like an asshole. My reputation, my credibility, my career, destroyed.
Claus von Bülow:
That's the risk you're taking, isn't it?
Alan Dershowitz:
Well, fuck you, fuck you, man... I'm glad we understand one another.
Alan Dershowitz:
Why - why do you think this case fascinates people? 'Cause, one time or other, every man is driven crazy by his wife, and in his secret heart, he wants to do exactly what Claus is accused of: kill her in some sly, silent way that can't be detected. Claus is a scapegoat: someone has to suffer for the sin that we all want to commit.
Team member:
Alan... that's ridiculous.
Alan Dershowitz:
It's ridiculous, you're right.
Raj:
A frame-up doesn't mean he's innocent. The kids could have framed a guilty man.
Alan Dershowitz:
All right, my friend...
Claus von Bülow:
"Friend"? I like that.
Alan Dershowitz:
Nothing personal.
Alan Dershowitz:
If the rules don't work, you change them.
Alan Dershowitz:
Our new evidence will clearly indicate...
Judge:
Professor, you know there isn't a single case which allows you to introduce new evidence on appeal.
Alan Dershowitz:
Well, there is one, your honor, and you wrote it. Derrick. In Derrick, in Derrick, you yourself said that a case based on circumstantial theory rather than fact only stands up if no other theory makes sense. The only way to show a better theory is to present it!
Alan Dershowitz:
One thing, Claus. Legally, this was an important victory. Morally - you're on your own.
Sunny von Bülow:
[
narrating] Claus von Bülow was given a second trial, and acquitted on both counts. This is all you can know, all you can be told. When you get where I am, you will know the rest.
Minnie:
He says he doesn't have anything that'd help us.
Alan Dershowitz:
You with me?
Sarah:
Paydirt.
Raj:
What's paydirt?
Alan Dershowitz:
He's a lawyer. If he really didn't have anything, he'd give it to us. But there's something there, and he's going to fight like hell to hold onto it.
Alan Dershowitz:
A priest? Well, a priest is the ideal witness: it's like getting the word of God.
Claus von Bülow:
I checked. God is unavailable.
[
last lines]
Pharmacist:
Anything else?
Claus von Bülow:
Yes, a vial of insulin... Just kidding.
Claus von Bülow:
I'm not afraid, Alan. Let the chips fall where they may.
Alan Dershowitz:
That's what an innocent man would say.
Claus von Bülow:
I know.
Claus von Bülow:
What do you give a wife that has everything?
[
silence]
Claus von Bülow:
An injection of insulin.
Claus von Bülow:
How - ah, my prawns - how do you define a fear of insulin?
[
silence]
Claus von Bülow:
Claus-traphobia.
[
after Dershowitz rejects him as a witness]
David Marriott:
Hey!
[
Alan stops]
David Marriott:
You think I'm scum, don't you? Blow-it-out-your-ass. You want to find a witness to back me up? I'll get one. And, hey, maybe I'll see you at the Celtics, huh?
[
seating Claus and Alan]
Maitre D':
Professor Dershowitz, Dr. von Bulow.
[
he leaves]
Claus von Bülow:
When I was married to Sunny, we never got this table. Now, two injections of insulin and I'm a doctor.
Alan Dershowitz:
Claus, let me explain something to you: the less you tell me, the more options I have.
Alan Dershowitz:
Claus, did you hear what I just said?
Claus von Bülow:
Of course I did! Did you hear the judge sentence me?
Alan Dershowitz:
Uh, yeah, thirty years, that's tough.
Claus von Bülow:
Twice trying to murder one's wife? Anything less would be monstrous.
Claus von Bülow:
[
warmly shaking his hand] Professor Dershowitz, how good of you to come!
Alan Dershowitz:
I gather that the older children denied that Sunny had a problem with pills and alcohol?
Claus von Bülow:
A spectacular understatement.
Alan Dershowitz:
Your mother's death wasn't reported for five full days.
Claus von Bülow:
True.
Alan Dershowitz:
Where were you during that time?
Claus von Bülow:
In the flat.
Alan Dershowitz:
Where the body was?
Claus von Bülow:
[
Nods] My mother is my own business.
Chuck, Dershowitz's Student Staff:
[
to Claus] Look, I don't think you did it, Okay? But at the chinese restaurant you did duck the big question.
Alan Dershowitz:
Chuck is our Alexandra Isles expert.
Chuck, Dershowitz's Student Staff:
Sunny's aspirin overdose... why did she take so many? What happened? Sunny had a headache? The headache was Alexandra, right?
Claus von Bülow:
There's a big difference between knowing about an affair, and have love letters crammed down your throat.
Sarah:
I think it's easier to love somebody than to live with them. Love is fantasy - living is work.
Alan Dershowitz:
I'll say. And *those* people don't like to work.
Sarah:
But if you don't do the work, the love dies and nobody wants to deal with that one.
Andrea Reynolds, Claus' Girlfriend:
I made him hire you, "get the Jew," I said...
Alan Dershowitz:
Can the Jew get down to business?
Claus von Bülow:
Oh, come on, Sunny, your father worked! Do you want the children to grow up thinking a male's place is in a deck chair?
Sunny von Bülow:
Claus, you marry me for my money then you demand to work! You're the prince of perversion!
Sunny von Bülow:
[
narrating] Looking at him now, the issue seems simple: is he the Devil? If so, can the Devil get justice?
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