Problem Child (1990)
Martin Beck: I drove over a thousand miles, to hang out with a seven year old.
Junior: I'm going to be eight in two weeks.
Martin Beck: Don't count on it.
Junior: Hey, Martin! Let's go see the bearded lady.
Martin: No, I've seen too many of them in prison.
Little Ben Healy: [about sending Junior back to the orphanage] But don't you see? We're doing what everybody else has done to him, I mean it's easy to give up on a child.
Flo Healy: Damn straight it is.
Little Ben Healy: But isn't that what's wrong with the world today? People are just looking for the easy way out, like their problems are gonna go away?Problems just don't go, Flo! You know? So the question here is; what are we going to do with our little problem child? I'll tell you what we are going to do. Something that no parent has ever done for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo.
Flo Healy: [looks up at him]
Little Ben Healy: Oh yes, We'll love him when he's bad, we'll love him even more when he gets worse, then one day he's gonna crack and say, "Hey, these people really do love me! They ain't gonna quit on me! I don't have to be bad anymore. What the hey, I can be President of the United States!"
Flo Healy: President of the United States? Are you brain damaged? Junior is gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!
Mr. Peabody: Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved.
Mother Superior: Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.
Little Ben Healy: I hope I'm not rushing you dear. We can always let nature take it's course.
Flo Healy: Nature screwed us over, let's give congress a try.
Lucy Henderson: Mother, he dresses like the man that cremated Uncle Leo!
Little Ben Healy: This is nature, huh? The trees. The forests.
Junior: [noticing a row of porta potties] The toilets.
Big Ben Healy: [about Junior being adopted] You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know the kid is liable to end up in the looney bin. He might even be democrat!
Junior: I'm sorry Mr. Healy, please don't spank me.
Little Ben Healy: Well I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back you're allowance.
Junior: The whole buck?
Little Ben Healy: Yes go get it.
Junior: [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he's got change for a twenty?
Clown: Look, a giraffe!
Martin Beck: Look, a fist!
Flo Healy: You mean we've been doing "it" every night, for nothing?
Mr. Peabody: What's so funny?
Junior: You are you stupid dick!
Little Ben Healy: Dad, we adopted.
Big Ben Healy: Are you insane?
Little Ben Healy: I thought you'd be happy.
Big Ben Healy: Happy? You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know, his parents may have met in the looney bin. They might even be democrats!
[imitating Mr. Peabody]
Junior: Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about.
Mother Superior: You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.
Junior: I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady?
[Ben and Flo come storming into Mr. Peabody's office while he's talking on the phone]
Mr. Peabody: Can I call you back in five minutes?
[hangs up phone]
Little Ben Healy: He's all yours.
Mr. Peabody: Ben, Flo can we dicuss this?
Flo Healy: There's nothing to discuss!
Little Ben Healy: We're signing him back over to you right now!
Mr. Peabody: Bad parents make bad children!
Flo Healy: Oh so now I'm a bad parent just because I hate my kid!
Mr. Peabody: You took him, he's yours!
Little Ben Healy: That's because you conned us into him!
Mr. Peabody: What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!
Flo Healy: Well this makes 31 Charlie!
Mr. Peabody: OK Mr. and Mrs. "We don't care about brown hair and brown eyes. We just want him into our home and let him play with our disgusting cat."!
Big Ben Healy: I'm selling my store to the Japs.
Little Ben Healy: I, I, I, but.
Big Ben Healy: I, I, I, but what? You thought I was going to leave it to you one day?
Little Ben Healy: Yeah.
Big Ben Healy: Well I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.
Little Ben Healy: Well I still get the land don't I?
Big Ben Healy: No you're not. I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.
Little Ben Healy: What? Dad, I can't believe this. I slaved to you for 10 years without a raise or a promotion.
Big Ben Healy: Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? How about don't trust anyone?
Little Ben Healy: Not even your own father?
Big Ben Healy: Especially your own father! You know what your problem is? You're too nice. I expected a little backstabbing from you. Some ruthless scrambling to get to the top. But you stubbornly refused to follow my example!
[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]
Mother Superior: Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.
Junior: I only got two hands!
Mother Superior: And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.
Junior: [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.
[Big Ben is about to go on the air for his campaign speech]
Little Ben Healy: Ok I quit as your son!
Big Ben Healy: Good, now get the hell out of here I've got a goddamn campaign to win.
Little Ben Healy: Oh your campaign, the one thing you do care about. Hey dad why don't you tell all the voters what you really plan on doing with this town!
[turns on the TV camera]
Big Ben Healy: [not realizing that he's on TV] I don't give a rats ass for the voters! All I care about is the power and the power that'll give me the money. That's why I'm a success and you're not! America for the Americans. You believe that nonsense? You're stupider than I thought! I'd sell my soul to the Japanese if they made me an offer. And as for you, don't come suckering around me if you want something! The only thing you'll get from me is this!
[pulls down his pants and moons the camera]
Junior: [seeing his bedroom full of clowns] Oh my God, they're retarded.
[after he broke several milk bottles]
Junior: I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.
Big Ben Healy: [seeing Junior for the first time] Oh, my God! It's the devil!
Junior: [luring a bear to the campsite] I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun! There's singing, marshmallows, and all sorts of stupid humans to scare!
Junior: [voiceover, on a stormy night a woman is carrying a basket] Nice night to be born. Apparently my birth is not considered a blessed event; that's me in the basket, and that's my mother carrying me.
[Junior's Mother puts him on a doorstep, rings the bell and disappears]
Junior: And that's my mother running away.
Junior: [being hauled to St. Brutus after bulldozing his parents house] I was just kidding! Oh no! Not the nuns! Not the nuns!
Big Ben Healy: [being loaded into an ambulance] Get rid of that kid, oof! Get rid of him! Get rid of that kid!
Junior: Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?
Junior: [in Roy's station wagon chasing the Bow Tie killer, pulls out a rifle] Neat, look what I found!
Little Ben Healy: Hey that's Roy's, give me that.
Junior: Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time!
Little Ben Healy: What do we do?
Junior: I've got an idea!
[cut to Junior driving and Ben aiming out the sunroof]
Junior: Shoot out his tires, Dad!