Rachel Flax: Charlotte, I know you're planning a celibate life, but with half my chromosomes, I think that might be tough.
Charlotte Flax: I DON'T WANT TO GO, I WANT TO STAY!
Rachel Flax: And do what?
Charlotte Flax: FINISH HIGH SCHOOL!
Rachel Flax: GREAT START! What's your major, Town Tramp?
Charlotte Flax: NO, MOM! THE TOWN ALREADY HAS ONE!
[Rachel slaps her]
Rachel Flax: Who's that?
Charlotte Flax: That's Mr. Crane, my history teacher, and he is very nice.
Rachel Flax: *He* is an asshole.
Charlotte Flax: You haven't even spoken to him yet!
Rachel Flax: Charlotte, I don't need to speak to him. He's driving an Edsel, for Christ's sake.
Rachel Flax: Alright, you know what? I'll make you a deal. You stop being a little bitch for, let's say, oh, I don't know, an hour or two, and I won't knock the religion of your choice for a week. Deal?
Charlotte Flax: Deal!
Rachel Flax: [to Charlotte as she goes out to spend time with Joe] Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Rachel Flax: Or don't do anything I would!
Charlotte Flax: Oh god. I think I might be pregnant with the next Jewish Italian Messiah
Charlotte Flax: Sometimes I feel like you're the child and I'm the grown up.
Charlotte Flax: Okay mom, if you want to drive Lou away, that's your buisness. If you want Joe, it's war.
Lou Landsky: [Reacting to an odd smile from Rachel as they lay in bed together] What?
Rachel Flax: You're a sexy guy.
Lou Landsky: Do you have to sound surprised when you say that?
Rachel Flax: I *am* surprised.
Charlotte Flax: [while being dressed up like her mother] Care to dance, Mrs. Flax?
Lou Landsky: If you care about us, would it kill you to show it?
Rachel Flax: "Us"? When did YOU and *my* children become "us"? You're just YOU, Lou - me and the girls, THAT'S "us"!
Lou Landsky: I was talking about you and me.
Charlotte Flax: I wanted to ask her what color her bra was and if she had pure thoughts every second of the day, but...
Charlotte Flax: I'm going to make real sandwiches; big ones that a man can sink his teeth into.
Charlotte Flax: A word about Mrs. Flax and food: the word is "hors d'oeurves." Fun Finger Foods is her main source book and it's all the woman cooks.
Charlotte Flax: Oh, I'm going to hell for sure. Here he is, talking about his poor dead mother and I can't help wishing his hands were unbuttoning my dress!
Charlotte Flax: Please God don't let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things... Dear God, I love the way he throws.
[Charlotte is praying at a shrine she has made in her room to the Virgin Mary]
Rachel Flax: Charlotte, we're Jewish.
Rachel Flax: One thing you can rely on about your father: He can't be relied on.
Dr. Reynolds: [Charlotte thinks she is pregnant because she kissed Joe] Has your mother ever talked to you about sex?
Charlotte Flax: Uh... oh yeah! All the time. We talk about everything. She's a wonderful mother.
Dr. Reynolds: So you do know how babies are made?
Charlotte Flax: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Reynolds: Then why did you think you were pregnant? You're still a virgin.
Mary O'Brien: See that woman right there? That's my mother and when I grow up... I want to be just like yours.
Charlotte Flax: Mary, you already are.
Charlotte Flax: So Joe, tell me about the nuns in the convent. Do they wear underwear in the shower?
Charlotte Flax: He has the most beautiful skin in captivity, I love him because he wears moccasins in the winter even though his feet must feel like blocks of ice.