Bernice: I need your opinion on something here. These are my favorite names for the baby so far: "Amaretta," "Caramel," or "Treblinka"
Claudia: You yokel, naming your baby after a German concentration camp!
Bernice: I thought Treblinka was one of those cute little fairies from Cinderella.
Claudia: You moron!
Bernice: I hope my water breaks all over your fur coat!
Jessie: [Mark's having a nightmare where zombies are surrounding the house] Mark, what do they want?
Mark Bannister: They want... to stay here!
Jessie: Oh Mark, why?
Mark Bannister: I don't know. Maybe we're in some vacation guide for the damned.
Claudia: He barely knows I'm alive, he cut my allowance.
Jessie Bannister: He cut her allowance, honey!
Mark Bannister: To what? $9000.00 a month?
Claudia: He makes me drive his old Jaguar.
Jessie Bannister: Now Claudia, some people have worse problems.
Claudia: Like Who?
Jessie Bannister: Like people who don't have cars.
Claudia: Who cares about them!
Bernice: Don't worry about me having dinner, I'll just lick the crumbs off my filthy sheets!
Katy: Did you see the elephant?
C.K.: He's got diarrhea.
Katy: [referring to C.K] You *are* diarrhea.
Claudia: Well, what was I supposed to think. They looked insane.
Bernice: We're not insane. We're from New Jersey.
Fred: Yeah, the Garden State.
[all the guests are lined up outside the bathroom; C.K. emerges, Claudia goes in and shuts the door]
Claudia: You repulsive little midget! Next time, *flush*!
Jessie: Claudia, I... What are you doing?
Claudia: Making a list of potential husbands. There are plenty of former suitors just waiting to sweep me off my feet.
Jessie: Ranked in financial order?
Claudia: One has to know what one is getting into.
Jessie: What's the asterisk for?
Claudia: Over eighty.
Claudia: [spray painting Claudia's shoes] Those are pumps from La Don!
Jessie: [spray painting designer clothes] Now I want you to get your gold diggin' lily white ass OUTTA... MY... HOUSE!
[notices the fur coat Claudia's holding]
Claudia: [running from the room] NOOOOOOOOO!
Jessie: [on the phone] I'm calling for Trenton, New Jersey. Dr. Jack Penix! WITH AN X!
Jessie Bannister: How would you murder someone? If you have a question Los Angeles... then you should just ask someone else cause I swear to God I don't know anymore. What am I talking about? HOUSEGUESTS! Houseguests from hell! Ladies and Gentlemen you listen to me, no you get that snack later, you listen to me! Lock your doors! Don't answer the phone! If you have to leave the country then leave the country but don't let them in! They may look like your mother, your father, your sister, your friend, but they're not! They're slimy! They're cockroaches! If the world was to summer a nuclear holocaust the only surviving life form would be HOUSEGUESTS! AHHHHHHHH
Wes: What is this?
[Picks something off of Mark's suit jacket]
Wes: Is this cat hair?
Mark Bannister: It's Felix the Rat.
Wes: When do you get rid of these people?
Mark Bannister: Today!
Mark Bannister: [speaking to Claudia's husband Kaddir on the phone] Hi, Kaddir, "salaam" back at you.
Claudia: I won't talk to him.
Mark Bannister: [speaking to Claudia] He wanted to know if you were here.
Mark Bannister: To let you know he canceled your credit cards.
Claudia: What? That Middle Eastern maggot! He can talk to my lawyer, the nerve of that towel head!
Mark Bannister: [back on the phone with Kaddir] Oh, yes, she is very upset about your little love spat, Kaddir.
[now speaking to Claudia]
Mark Bannister: He says he will forget everything if you just go home and fix dinner for him.
Claudia: [shouting into the mouthpiece of the phone] Oh, grind some glass, Ayatollah!
C.K.: It's just so boring here.
Mark Bannister: Now you listen to me, you psychotic little shit. You either get your act together, or you're gonna be a face on a milk carton, you got it?
C.K.: You touch me, I sue you.
Mark Bannister: I got a lawyer *on retainer*!
Bernice: [from upstairs while everyone is eating downstairs] Don't worry about me having dinner. I'll just lick the crumbs off my filthy sheets!
Bernice: [from upstairs while Jessie is trying to sneak out] Not so fast, missy! It's time to shift my butt!
Claudia: [going over a list of eliminated rich marriage prospects] Married, turned gay, married, in jail-malpractice, dead! I'm telling you good marriage material is getting tough to find!
Jessie: [Through the locked bedroom door] Oh, Claudia...
Claudia: Uh, I'm not decent.
Jessie: [kicks the door open, revealing a wild, scary look yet calm demeanor] Tell me something I don't know.
Jessie: [grabbing cans of spray paint and heading upstairs] Oh, SIS! Jesse's got a surprise for you!