Kevin McCallister: This is my house, I have to defend it.
Kate McCallister: [to the Scranton Ticket Agent] This is *Christmas*. The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.
Kevin McCallister: [preparing to meet bandits and loading the rifle] This is it! Don't get scared now!
Kevin McCallister: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Kevin McCallister: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.
Kevin McCallister: Well, could you please find out?
Kevin McCallister: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?
Kevin McCallister: I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
Kevin McCallister: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including inbetween my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.
Marv: He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.
Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.
Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.
Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?
Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
Gangster 'Johnny': [hears knock at door] Who is it?
Gangster 'Snakes': [Snakes comes in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.
Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Gangster 'Snakes': All right, Johnny, but what about my money?
Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said you had some dough for me.
Gangster 'Johnny': That a fact? How much do I owe ya?
Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said 10%.
Gangster 'Johnny': [smirks] Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
Gangster 'Snakes': What do ya mean?
Gangster 'Johnny': He's upstairs takin' a bath. He'll call you when he gets out.
Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I tell ya what I'm gonna give *you*, Snakes.
[pulls out machine gun]
Gangster 'Johnny': I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property,
Gangster 'Johnny': before I pump your guts full of lead!
Gangster 'Snakes': [wide eyed and calm] All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin'!
Gangster 'Johnny': 1... 2... 10!
[starts unloading bullets into Snakes while laughing maniacally]
Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, ya filthy animal!
Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it?
Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it at the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Pizza Boy: Okay, but what about the money?
Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
Pizza Boy: Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Gangster 'Johnny': How much do I owe ya?
Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir.
[Kevin drops the money from the dog door]
Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
[starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line]
Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!
[machine gun fire]
Gangster 'Johnny': [Pizza Boy runs from the house and speeds away in the delivery car]
[Kevin opens the door and brings the pizza inside]
Kevin McCallister: A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
Mitch Murphy: Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Airport Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.
Peter McCallister: The only flying that I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon. It wasn't to France. We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.
Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin McCallister: I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.
Kevin McCallister: The 3rd floor?
Kate McCallister: Go.
Kevin McCallister: It's scary up there.
Kate McCallister: Don't be silly, Fuller will be up in a little while.
Kevin McCallister: I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it.
Kate McCallister: [looking disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.
[the check-out woman holds up a bag full of army men, and gives Kevin a funny look]
Kevin McCallister: For the kids.
Kate McCallister: I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to... where the hell am I?
Scranton Ticket Agent: Scranton.
Kate McCallister: [finally letting her aggravation out] I am trying to get home to my eight-year-old son. And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless?
Kate McCallister: No, he's just home alone.
[while on the airplane]
Frank McCallister: [talking to Leslie] Wow, that's real crystal. Put it in your purse.
Kevin McCallister: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Buzz McCallister: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.
Kate McCallister: Where are the passports and tickets?
Peter McCallister: I put them in the microwave to dry em' off.
Kate McCallister: Heather, did you count heads?
Heather McCallister: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Kate McCallister: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin McCallister: Why?
Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin McCallister: Shut up.
Peter McCallister: Kevin, upstairs.
Kate McCallister: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin McCallister: "Good night, Kevin."
Buzz McCallister: [shouting] Kevin, what did you do to my room?
Kevin McCallister: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
Megan McCallister: Kevin, you're completely helpless!
Linnie McCallister: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.
Buzz McCallister: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!
Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank McCallister: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.
Kevin McCallister: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.
[Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock]
Kate McCallister: Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?
Kevin McCallister: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...
Frank McCallister: [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants] Look what you did, you little jerk!
[the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]
Kevin McCallister: I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.
Jeff McCallister: Tough.
Kevin McCallister: That's what Megan said.
Megan McCallister: What did I say?
Jeff McCallister: You told Kevin "tough".
Megan McCallister: The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Kevin McCallister: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?
Kate McCallister: Kevin, I'm on the phone.
Kevin McCallister: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.
Kate McCallister: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad.
Kate McCallister: [about Kevin] He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
Peter McCallister: Didn't we talk about that?
Kevin McCallister: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.
Peter McCallister: My NEW fish hooks?
Kevin McCallister: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.
Leslie McCallister: Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?
Peter McCallister: [hands her Kevin] Here, here's a voltage adapter.
Leslie McCallister: My, but you're getting heavy. Go pack your suit case.
Kevin McCallister: [stares in horror] *Pack* my *suitcase*?
Kate McCallister: [while on the phone, Kevin jumps onto the bed] No, we're not bringing the dog. We took him to the kennel... Hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room!
Kevin McCallister: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?
Peter McCallister: Hey did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing?
Kate McCallister: No, I didn't have time to do that.
Peter McCallister: Well how am I supposed to shave in France?
Kate McCallister: Grow a goatee.
Brooke McCallister: Hi.
Harry: Are your parents home?
Brooke McCallister: Yeah.
Harry: Do they live here?
Brooke McCallister: No.
Harry: No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
Rod McCallister: Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
Buzz McCallister: He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Say isn't it true that French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod McCallister: Some don't.
Buzz McCallister: But they got nude beaches?
Rod McCallister: Not in the winter.
Peter McCallister: Hi.
Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Peter McCallister: Yes.
Pizza Boy: Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
Kevin McCallister: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?
Santa Claus: Yes, but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.
Kevin McCallister: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: [his beard is pulled down, revealing his real face] What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.
Kevin McCallister: This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And in a few years time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
Marv: [the McCallister house is filled with supposed partygoers; music is blasting] Did they come back?
Harry: From *Paris*?
Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin McCallister: Sorry.
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]
Lineman: Excuse me, ma'am, I wanted to let you know that your power is fixed, but the phone lines are a mess. It's gonna take Ma Bell a couple of days to patch them up. Especially around the holidays.
Kate McCallister: [Without really listening] Okay, thanks.
Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.
Marv: [as they follow behind Kevin, he suddenly runs] Why is he going faster?
Harry: See, I told you something was wrong. See I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?
Kate McCallister: PETER!
[they jump out of bed]
Kate McCallister: Did I turn off the coffee?
Peter McCallister: No... I did.
Kate McCallister: Did you lock up?
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
Kate McCallister: Did we set the timers on the lights?
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
Kate McCallister: Did you close the garage?
Peter McCallister: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.
Kate McCallister: [She sits back. After a pause:]
Peter McCallister: No, that's not it.
Kate McCallister: Well what else could we be forgetting?
Kate McCallister: KEVIN!
Harry: [pointing to the McCallister house] That's the one, Marv, that's the silver tuna.
Marv: Oh, it's very gee.
Harry: Very gee, huh? It's loaded. It's got lot's of top-flight goods. Stereoes, VCRs...
Harry: Probably looking at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoarde. Odd marketable securities... Who knows. It's a gem. Hand me a crow bar. Crow bars up.
[they clink their crow bars together]
Marv: [listening to a phone message in the house they are robbing] Hey, Harry, that house we were at last night, was that the McCallisters?
Marv: You're right. They're gone.
Harry: I knew they were.
Marv: Silver tuna tonight!
Kevin McCallister: Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!
Harry: I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.
Frank McCallister: There's no way on earth we can make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
Peter McCallister: Think positive, Frank!
Frank McCallister: You be positive. I'll be realistic.
Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!
Kevin McCallister: [Picks up Buzz's Playboy magazine] No clothes on anybody. Sickening.
[Tosses the magazine over his shoulder]
Kevin McCallister: No offense, aren't you too old to be afraid?
Marley: You can be too old for a lot of things, but you're never too old to be afraid!
Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?
Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.
Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.
Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right.
Harry: [to Marv]
Harry: Go check it out.
Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?
Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GET! "Now".
Kevin McCallister: So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.
Marley: I send her a check.
Kevin McCallister: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
Marley: That's nice.
Kevin McCallister: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.
Rod McCallister: [watching Old Man Marley] What's he doing now?
Buzz McCallister: He walks up and down the streets every night, salting the sidewalks.
Rod McCallister: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
Buzz McCallister: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies... into mummies.
Rod McCallister: Whoa.
Kevin McCallister: Mummies?
[Marley looks up at the boys]
Rod McCallister: Look out!
[they close the drapes and run]
Kevin McCallister: Everyone in this family *hates* me!
Kate McCallister: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin McCallister: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate McCallister: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin McCallister: *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate McCallister: [softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin McCallister: No, I wouldn't.
Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
Kevin McCallister: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!
Linnie McCallister: I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff McCallister: Shut up, Linnie.
Kevin McCallister: You know what I should pack?
Jeff McCallister: Toilet paper and water.
Linnie McCallister: Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
Kevin McCallister: What?
Harry: [Barges through the kitchen door after his head is blow-torched] Where are you, you little CREEP?
Santa Claus: Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Kevin McCallister: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.
Check-Out Woman: Where's your mom?
Kevin McCallister: In the car.
Check-Out Woman: Where's your father?
Kevin McCallister: He's at work.
Check-Out Woman: What about your brothers and sisters?
Kevin McCallister: I'm an only child.
Check-Out Woman: Where do you live?
Kevin McCallister: I can't tell you that.
Check-Out Woman: Why not?
Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.
Furnace: Ha, ha, ha. Hello, Kevin. Ha, ha, ha.
Kevin McCallister: Shut up.
Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house, you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Kevin McCallister: I'm the only one getting dumped on.
Kate McCallister: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.
Kevin McCallister: I *am* upstairs, dummy.
Mitch Murphy: [about the taxi-van] How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive?
Airport Driver: Look, I told you before, kid. Don't bother me. Now beat it.
Marv: [shouting] I'm gonna kill this kid!
Officer Devereux: Hey, you know we've been looking for you two guys for a long time. You guys are always leaving the water running whenever you break in, now we know each and every house you guys have hit.
Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.
Harry: [shouting] Shut up.
Kevin McCallister: Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!
Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
Marv: What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
Kevin McCallister: Hello.
Marv: AH! AHHH...!
[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
Kevin McCallister: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
[He runs off to prepare the next trap]
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
[He storms off, swearing under his breath]
Kevin McCallister: Hey, I'm not afraid any more! I said I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more!
[Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and stares at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac]
[Harry and Marv have caught Kevin in the Murphy's house and hung him on the basement door]
Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?
Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch!
Marv: And smash his face with an iron!
Harry: How about we slap him in the face with a paint can!
Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!
[Behind them, Marley sneaks in with his snow shovel]
Harry: First thing I'm gonna do is to bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time...
[Marley raises his shovel and knocks Marv out cold, Harry turns around only to be knocked out, too. Marley lifts Kevin off the door]
Marley: Come on, let's get you home.
Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!
Peter McCallister: Honey, the pizza boy need $122 dollars plus tip.
Kate McCallister: For pizza?
Peter McCallister: Ten pizzas times twelve bucks!
Leslie McCallister: Frank, you've got money don't you?
Frank McCallister: Traveler's checks.
Kate McCallister: Forget it, Frank. We have cash.
Peter McCallister: You probably have the kind of traveler's checks that don't work in France.
Jeff McCallister: [chucking his bag full of stuff from the top of the stairs to the bottom floor] Bombs away!
[the bag lands a Harry's feet]
Marley: You live down the street from me right?, You know anytime you see you can always say hello, you don't have to be afraid. A lot of stuff has been said about me, none of it's true.
Kevin McCallister: Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!
Kevin McCallister: [after unintentionally stealing a toothbrush] I'm a criminal...
Heather McCallister: [lines up the family near the airport vans] 1, 2...
Buzz McCallister: [rudely interrupting] 11, 92, 12...
Heather McCallister: Buzz, don't be a moron.
[Heather contines counting the rest of the family to go into the vans]
Marv: [looking at the spider on Harry] Harry... don't move...
Harry: Marv? Marv...
Harry: [Marv hits him with the crowbar] Jeez... So... crumbin!
Marv: Did I get him?
Harry: [starts wacking Marv] How do you like that? *Huh*! Jerk. Get that kid, Marv, get that kid!
Kevin McCallister: I went shopping yesterday.
Jeff McCallister: You? Shopping?
Kevin McCallister: I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.
Peter McCallister: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
Kevin McCallister: Just hung around.
Buzz McCallister: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!
Kate McCallister: I hope you're all drinking milk, I want to get rid of it!
[Kate is trying to get a ticket to go to Dallas, Ed is trying to board the plane]
Man in Airport: Come on, Irene, they're boarding.
Woman in Airport: This girl is offering us our first class ticket... if we go Friday plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translater, five hundered dollars and...
Kate McCallister: The earrings, you love the earrings?
Man in Airport: She's got her own earrings, a whole show box full of them dangly ones.
Kevin McCallister: [behind the dining room door] Oh no, I'm really scared!
Harry: It's too late for you, kid; we're already in the house. We're gonna get ya!
Kevin McCallister: OK, come and get me!
Frank McCallister: [to Little Nero's pizza delivery man] Eh it's my brother's house, he'll take care of it.
Leslie McCallister: Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi!