Ford Fairlane: I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.
Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?
Ford Fairlane: Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.
Don Cleveland: You got to shave before you leave the house in a dress like that... and I don't mean your legs.
Ford Fairlane: Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats fuck with more harmony.
Colleen Sutton: Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?
Ford Fairlane: I don't know, I never met your father.
Jazz: Well, that weekend was a mistake.
Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?
[Zuzu is hanging from a building]
Ford Fairlane: It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it.
Don Cleveland: Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on here, slowly?
Zuzu Petals: Well... it... all... started... with... this... condom... factory...
Ford Fairlane: Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck. Now get the fuck out of here.
[Looking at a corpse's breasts]
Ford Fairlane: Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards.
Lt. Amos: Two words. "Disco Express."
Ford Fairlane: Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...
Lt. Amos: Like ME, right?
Ford Fairlane: Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like shit, but... he looked like you.
Ford Fairlane: I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.
Ford Fairlane: What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?
Ford Fairlane: How much?
Ticket Guy: 300.
Ford Fairlane: 300? You charged the chicks one.
Ticket Guy: Hey, they blew me.
Ford Fairlane: Heh. 300 coming up.
Ford Fairlane: [falling off roof of Capitol Records building] My hair. My hair.
Ford Fairlane: What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
Ford Fairelaine: [Ford is looking at a Colleen Sutton and Johnny Crunch pornographic video] I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no shit, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's fucking barking.
[after knocking a villain off a building onto a piano]
Ford Fairlane: Say hello to Liberace, asshole!
Ford Fairlane: I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.
Ford Fairlane: [to women running from his bed] Do my dishes.
Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...
Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...
Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw...
Lt. Amos: I can't believe anybody can have so much fucking fun in a funeral, Fairlane.
Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.
Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.
Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.
Ford Fairlane: Spam.
[At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women]
Ford Fairlane: hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.
Amiable Tourist: Can you give us directions to Mann's Chinese Theatre?
Ford Fairlane: Hey. Go back to Michigan.
Amiable Tourist: We're from Wisconsin.
Ford Fairlane: Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Now fuck off.
Ford Fairlane: Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)
ford fairlane/johnny crunch: Here's to you... suckin' my dick.
Smiley: Your assistant is quite special. I look forward to raping her at your funeral.
Ford Fairlane: I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish.
Ford Fairlane: What... you didn't really think we'd kill the fuckin' koala bear, now did ya?
Julian Grendel: My mother used to say..."If you can't say something nice about someone, make sure they're out of the goddamn room!"
Slam the Rapper: You stupid Sal's Pizza garlic-breath smellin' motherfucker. Today is the last day of the rest of your life.
[being frisked by security guard]
Ford Fairlane: Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too MUCH.
[kicks him in the face]
Ford Fairlane: I'll be at Julie Grendel's. I want to see if he knows what a hoo-er thief his ex piece-of-shit wife is.
Ford Fairlane: You guys a band?
Punk Gunslinger: Yeah, sure.
Ford Fairlane: You got a name?
Punk Gunslinger: Yeah... pain.
Ford Fairlane: Kooky.
[to his erection]
Ford Fairlane: Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone.
Johnny Crunch: If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch.
Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.
Ford Fairlane: Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.
Don Cleveland: [to Julian Grendale] With friends like you, who needs enemas?
Ford Fairelaine: What the fuck is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head.