Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex: Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...
Lowell Mather: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
Roy Biggins: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.
Roy Biggins: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?
Brian Hackett: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy Biggins: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian Hackett: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian Hackett: Well, obviously, she doesn't.
Helen: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
Joe Hackett: Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe Hackett: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!
Joe Hackett: Lowell, where you going?
Lowell Mather: Oh, to clear my mind.
Roy Biggins: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.
Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.
Lowell Mather: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.
Roy Biggins: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.
Roy Biggins: Roy Biggins doesn't pay for sex. Roy Biggins Inc. pays for sex.
Joe Hackett: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.
Brian Hackett: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
Lowell Mather: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.
Brian Hackett: "Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!
[hitting on Helen at the lunch counter]
Lewis Blanchard: Ya know, I have a video camera that shoots in the dark.
Helen: Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.
Melissa Williams: When the door to that trailer opened and I looked into her face, I mean, even with the blonde wig and the tattoos, I knew that I had found my birth mother.
[Joe is dressed as Pinocchio]
Joe Hackett: Look at me, would I lie to you?
Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.
Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Casey Chappel Davenport: We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian Hackett: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.
Brian Hackett: Listen, We are throwing a suprise engagement party for Joe and Helen and um your all invited.
Casey Chappel Davenport: Its at the Harbor House tonight, we'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30
Roy Biggins: Well, its a little last minute but its a party and who am I to pass up a big sandwich. How many feet you go for, eight feet?
Lowell Mather: No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!
Brian Hackett: Brace yourself guys... um... were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell Mather: Excuse me um almost sounded like you said there'd be no big sandwich.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy Biggins: A party with out a big sandwich? it it it it its just not done.
Casey Chappel Davenport: All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell Mather: How many feet did you get?
Casey Chappel Davenport: It doesn't come by the foot.
Lowell Mather: Then how do you know when your full?
Casey Chappel Davenport: I gotta get off this Island
Brian Hackett: [after a suggestion is made to make s'mores] No, I hate s'mores!
Joe: How could you hate s'mores?
Brian Hackett: Because that's the stupidest name for a food, like "It's so good, I want s-more," Those are so stupid, they should be called stupids!
[trying to intimidate Fay's mystery admirer]
Joe Hackett: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
[describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen: ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian Hackett: Where was your hand?
Joe Hackett: Hello!
Joe Hackett: One minute we were smackin' each other with meat, then it got weird.
Antonio: [after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand] What's with the Dolly?
Joe Hackett: The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio: So there's nothing physically wrong with you
[then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone]
Antonio: You're just a nut case.
Joe Hackett: [In an angry provoked tone] Look I'm not...
Helen: Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
[after a two second pause]
Helen: Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!
Brian Hackett: I saw this on the Twilight Zone one time, all we have to do, is stop time.
Casey Chappel Davenport: How many of those have you drunk?
Lowell Mather: Let's see, the machine holds 40... 80!
Helen: [Helen is leaving Lowell in charge of the restaurant counter as she heads out of work early] You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?
Lowell Mather: Aw, yeah. Don't you worry about a thing; you just go off and have a wonderful time. Where are you going, anyway?
Helen: Uh, I would really rather not say.
Lowell Mather: Aw, come on.
Helen: Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my OB/GYN.
Lowell Mather: Fine, be that way. I'm having dinner with my M-o-m-m-y.
Lowell Mather: There must be a really good movie playing. She keeps calling me asking if I'm up for a little matinée.
Helen: Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy Biggins: No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.
Roy Biggins: Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you don't want another man!
Antonio: Sounds about right.
Roy Biggins: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that!
Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaaaabs.