Lowell Mather:
I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
Roy Biggins:
You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.
Roy Biggins:
I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen:
What's he going to do the second half of the day?
Roy Biggins:
If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex:
Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...
Roy Biggins:
You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?
Antonio:
Deflate her?
Brian Hackett:
It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy Biggins:
Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian Hackett:
The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
Helen:
I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian Hackett:
Well, obviously, she doesn't.
Helen:
You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
Joe Hackett:
Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen:
Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe Hackett:
Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!
Joe Hackett:
Lowell, where you going?
Lowell Mather:
Oh, to clear my mind.
Roy Biggins:
Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.
Joe Hackett:
What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett:
You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett:
I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett:
I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.
Lowell Mather:
I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins:
My guess is you get that feeling a lot.
Roy Biggins:
I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen:
Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.
Roy Biggins:
Roy Biggins doesn't pay for sex. Roy Biggins Inc. pays for sex.
Joe Hackett:
This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.
Brian Hackett:
This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
Lowell Mather:
I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.
Helen:
I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran:
Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen:
That was it.
Brian Hackett:
"Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!
[
hitting on Helen at the lunch counter]
Lewis Blanchard:
Ya know, I have a video camera that shoots in the dark.
Helen:
Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.
Melissa Williams:
When the door to that trailer opened and I looked into her face, I mean, even with the blonde wig and the tattoos, I knew that I had found my birth mother.
[
Joe is dressed as Pinocchio]
Joe Hackett:
Look at me, would I lie to you?
Joe:
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.
Antonio:
This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen:
It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Antonio:
No!
Casey Chappel Davenport:
We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian Hackett:
[
slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.
Brian Hackett:
Listen, We are throwing a suprise engagement party for Joe and Helen and um your all invited.
Casey Chappel Davenport:
Its at the Harbor House tonight, we'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30
Roy Biggins:
Well, its a little last minute but its a party and who am I to pass up a big sandwich. How many feet you go for, eight feet?
Lowell Mather:
No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!
Brian Hackett:
Brace yourself guys... um... were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell Mather:
Excuse me um almost sounded like you said there'd be no big sandwich.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran:
Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy Biggins:
A party with out a big sandwich? it it it it its just not done.
Casey Chappel Davenport:
All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell Mather:
How many feet did you get?
Casey Chappel Davenport:
It doesn't come by the foot.
Lowell Mather:
Then how do you know when your full?
Casey Chappel Davenport:
I gotta get off this Island
[
leaves quickly]
Brian Hackett:
[
after a suggestion is made to make s'mores] No, I hate s'mores!
Joe:
How could you hate s'mores?
Brian Hackett:
Because that's the stupidest name for a food, like "It's so good, I want s-more," Those are so stupid, they should be called stupids!
[
trying to intimidate Fay's mystery admirer]
Joe Hackett:
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
[
describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen:
...then he kissed my hand.
Brian Hackett:
Where was your hand?
Joe Hackett:
Hello!
Joe Hackett:
One minute we were smackin' each other with meat, then it got weird.
Antonio:
[
after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand] What's with the Dolly?
Joe Hackett:
The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio:
So there's nothing physically wrong with you
[
then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone]
Antonio:
You're just a nut case.
Joe Hackett:
[
In an angry provoked tone] Look I'm not...
Helen:
Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
[
after a two second pause]
Helen:
Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!
Brian Hackett:
I saw this on the Twilight Zone one time, all we have to do, is stop time.
Casey Chappel Davenport:
How many of those have you drunk?
Lowell Mather:
Let's see, the machine holds 40... 80!
Helen:
[
Helen is leaving Lowell in charge of the restaurant counter as she heads out of work early] You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?
Lowell Mather:
Aw, yeah. Don't you worry about a thing; you just go off and have a wonderful time. Where are you going, anyway?
Helen:
Uh, I would really rather not say.
Lowell Mather:
Aw, come on.
Helen:
Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my OB/GYN.
Lowell Mather:
Fine, be that way. I'm having dinner with my M-o-m-m-y.
Lowell Mather:
There must be a really good movie playing. She keeps calling me asking if I'm up for a little matinée.
Helen:
Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy Biggins:
No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.
Roy Biggins:
I was so good, I screamed out my own name!
Roy Biggins:
Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you don't want another man!
Antonio:
Sounds about right.
Roy Biggins:
So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett:
Exactly.
Roy Biggins:
I can live with that!
Roy Biggins:
Forget it. I'm not... , I'm not in the mood.
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife:
YOU?
Mark the Waiter:
I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaaaabs.
Related Links
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