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"Seinfeld" (1990)
Cosmo Kramer:
The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
[Answering the phone]
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
[falls down]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
[hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
Gary Fogel: Good for you, Jack!
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?
Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...
George Costanza: May I...?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?
George Costanza: Nothing!
Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
George Costanza: The show is about nothing!
George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think she saw it coming.
Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.
George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
[repeated lines]
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
Jerry: Oh, this is interesting...
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless.
[everyone takes a look]
Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros Ghali...
Elaine: Nice rack.
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes.
[hangs up]
Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)]
Jerry: I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.
George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
Jerry: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Jerry: You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
[Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacy meet]
Marla Penny: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George Costanza: Marla.
Marla Penny: George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacy: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacy.
George Costanza: Stacy.
Stacy: George.
Jerry: George.
George Costanza: Jerry... Marla... Stacy!
George Costanza: I love you, Jer.
Jerry: Right back at you, slick.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: They forgot my bread.
Jerry: [under his breath] Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
[snaps fingers]
Soup Nazi: [cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
[discussing George's ATM code]
Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza: Huh?
Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza: Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza: I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza: I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine: What?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm out of the contest.
Jerry: [Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
[last lines]
Jerry: All right, hey, you've been great! See you at the cafeteria.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.
George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza: Of course you do.
[Susan has become a lesbian]
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...
[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade]
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
[at the Puerto Rican Day parade]
Jerry: You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]
George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
[beep]
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry: Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry: Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry: [pause] Peach.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.
[Walks out]
Jerry: [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.
Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.
Jerry: People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
Elaine: [making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Lloyd Braun: You should tell your dad that "serenity now" stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: But you were in a mental institution.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there? Serenity now... insanity later.
Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]
Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.
Jerry: Yada, Yada, Yada.
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
Jerry: Where's Marcy?
George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
Jerry: You know you're not Chinese.
George Costanza: [about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it.
Jerry: Why?
George Costanza: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know.
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George Costanza: No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: So you... *do* want it?
George Costanza: No, I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: You just said you wanted it!
George Costanza: No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
Frank Costanza: You have the rooster, the hen, and the chicken. The rooster goes with the chicken... So who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
Jerry: [George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it?
George Costanza: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks.
Jerry: Well, its a first visit.
George Costanza: Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.
[long pause]
George Costanza: I'm only paying half.
Jerry: You can't do that.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George Costanza: Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.
Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.
[long pause]
Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.
Elaine: My father thought George was gay.
Jerry: It must have been the singing.
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.
George Costanza: [seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"
Jerry: What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry: You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.
Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it.
Jerry: So why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: Nothing.
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George Costanza: King Edward.
[snapping fingers]
George Costanza: Like King Edward, Jerry!
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George Costanza: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's possible.
[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]
Security guard: Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
Elaine: You were born in Italy?
Frank Costanza: Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.
George Costanza: You're killing independent George.
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door...
[closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.
George Costanza: George is gettin' upset!
Frank Costanza: George, festivus is your heritage!
George Costanza: She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.
[Jerry is in a confessional booth]
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
Jerry: Oh...
[talking about being on the dating scene]
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What?
[both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry: I'm too tired.
[two noisy people behind him in cinema]
Corinne: George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza: That won't be necessary.
[Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!
[Applause]
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
Jerry: [imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la.
[At Tim Whatley's party]
Elaine: This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.
Jerry: That... is one magic loogie.
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
[George trying to find a parking space]
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.
[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.
Jerry: Hello, 911? How are ya?
[At the diner]
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
[takes a bite]
George Costanza: Hmmm.
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
Elaine: [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
Elaine: You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George Costanza: Doesn't help.
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Jerry: Hmm...
Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
Jerry: [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on.
Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
[in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.
[Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?
Jerry: [about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave.
[George peed in a public shower]
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: To end under water.
Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: Are a lot more violent.
Jerry: Are a lot shorter.
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: I should...
Jerry: Get going.
[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Cosmo Kramer: [without hesitating] Sure.
Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
[Jerry notices an art book on the table]
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.
Jerry: [to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.
[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"]
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
[Knock on door]
Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
Jerry: [to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
George Costanza: Oh yeah.
[holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]
Jerry: Zero zero?
George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
[George is wearing a toupee]
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"]
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
Jerry: [about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies.
[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it]
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.
Elaine: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.
George Costanza: Only I could fail at failing.
[George is buying a wig]
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE.
Jerry: An alliance?... Deal.
[Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh]
Jerry: [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know.
George Costanza: [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.
[pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
[hits his chest]
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!
Elaine: [grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza: Flame on.
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.
Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian.
Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]
Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.
Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George Costanza: But they seemed so disorganized...
[George is wearing prescription goggles]
George Costanza: I got to get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?
George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry: I've never had a job.
[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even]
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
[Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
George Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier.
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go.
[gives George his gift]
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza: Exactly.
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?
Jerry: UNDATABLE.
Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together?
Jerry: Alcohol.
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry: She's out.
George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: [to George] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
Jerry: What are you, an idiot?
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.
[Kramer covers himself in butter]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
[George is thinking of starting his own charity]
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
[talking about his love of the word "manure"]
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza: They could've at least tried...
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid?
Jerry: $40.
George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.
Jerry: [to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick with the opposite.
George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza: What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.
Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.
Jerry: [George plans to name his first child "Seven"] Awright, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George Costanza: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: [Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard] I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George Costanza: Awright already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry: Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: It's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?
[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.
Newman: What? I love broccoli.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste.
[Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up]
Newman: Vile weed.
Jerry: You got the job?
George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry: Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.
[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on George, be realistic.
[scoffs]
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite.
[Kramer enters]
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: When were you going to tell me this?
Jerry: Obviously never.
Cosmo Kramer: [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.
George Costanza: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time
[Jerry interrupts]
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Newman: [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's
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Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
[Answering the phone]
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
[falls down]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
[hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
Gary Fogel: Good for you, Jack!
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?
Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...
George Costanza: May I...?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?
George Costanza: Nothing!
Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
George Costanza: The show is about nothing!
George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think she saw it coming.
Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.
George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
[repeated lines]
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
Jerry: Oh, this is interesting...
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless.
[everyone takes a look]
Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros Ghali...
Elaine: Nice rack.
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes.
[hangs up]
Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)]
Jerry: I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.
George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
Jerry: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Jerry: You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
[Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacy meet]
Marla Penny: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George Costanza: Marla.
Marla Penny: George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacy: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacy.
George Costanza: Stacy.
Stacy: George.
Jerry: George.
George Costanza: Jerry... Marla... Stacy!
George Costanza: I love you, Jer.
Jerry: Right back at you, slick.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: They forgot my bread.
Jerry: [under his breath] Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
[snaps fingers]
Soup Nazi: [cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
[discussing George's ATM code]
Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza: Huh?
Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza: Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza: I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza: I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine: What?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm out of the contest.
Jerry: [Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
[last lines]
Jerry: All right, hey, you've been great! See you at the cafeteria.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.
George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza: Of course you do.
[Susan has become a lesbian]
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...
[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade]
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
[at the Puerto Rican Day parade]
Jerry: You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]
George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
[beep]
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry: Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry: Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry: [pause] Peach.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.
[Walks out]
Jerry: [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.
Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.
Jerry: People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
Elaine: [making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Lloyd Braun: You should tell your dad that "serenity now" stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: But you were in a mental institution.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there? Serenity now... insanity later.
Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]
Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.
Jerry: Yada, Yada, Yada.
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
Jerry: Where's Marcy?
George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
Jerry: You know you're not Chinese.
George Costanza: [about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it.
Jerry: Why?
George Costanza: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know.
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George Costanza: No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: So you... *do* want it?
George Costanza: No, I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: You just said you wanted it!
George Costanza: No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
Frank Costanza: You have the rooster, the hen, and the chicken. The rooster goes with the chicken... So who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
Jerry: [George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it?
George Costanza: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks.
Jerry: Well, its a first visit.
George Costanza: Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.
[long pause]
George Costanza: I'm only paying half.
Jerry: You can't do that.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George Costanza: Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.
Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.
[long pause]
Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.
Elaine: My father thought George was gay.
Jerry: It must have been the singing.
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.
George Costanza: [seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"
Jerry: What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry: You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.
Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it.
Jerry: So why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: Nothing.
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George Costanza: King Edward.
[snapping fingers]
George Costanza: Like King Edward, Jerry!
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George Costanza: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's possible.
[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]
Security guard: Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
Elaine: You were born in Italy?
Frank Costanza: Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.
George Costanza: You're killing independent George.
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door...
[closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.
George Costanza: George is gettin' upset!
Frank Costanza: George, festivus is your heritage!
George Costanza: She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.
[Jerry is in a confessional booth]
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
Jerry: Oh...
[talking about being on the dating scene]
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What?
[both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry: I'm too tired.
[two noisy people behind him in cinema]
Corinne: George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza: That won't be necessary.
[Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!
[Applause]
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
Jerry: [imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la.
[At Tim Whatley's party]
Elaine: This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.
Jerry: That... is one magic loogie.
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
[George trying to find a parking space]
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.
[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.
Jerry: Hello, 911? How are ya?
[At the diner]
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
[takes a bite]
George Costanza: Hmmm.
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
Elaine: [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
Elaine: You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George Costanza: Doesn't help.
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Jerry: Hmm...
Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
Jerry: [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on.
Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
[in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.
[Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?
Jerry: [about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave.
[George peed in a public shower]
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: To end under water.
Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: Are a lot more violent.
Jerry: Are a lot shorter.
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: I should...
Jerry: Get going.
[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Cosmo Kramer: [without hesitating] Sure.
Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
[Jerry notices an art book on the table]
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.
Jerry: [to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.
[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"]
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
[Knock on door]
Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
Jerry: [to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
George Costanza: Oh yeah.
[holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]
Jerry: Zero zero?
George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
[George is wearing a toupee]
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"]
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
Jerry: [about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies.
[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it]
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.
Elaine: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.
George Costanza: Only I could fail at failing.
[George is buying a wig]
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE.
Jerry: An alliance?... Deal.
[Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh]
Jerry: [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know.
George Costanza: [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.
[pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
[hits his chest]
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!
Elaine: [grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza: Flame on.
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.
Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian.
Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]
Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.
Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George Costanza: But they seemed so disorganized...
[George is wearing prescription goggles]
George Costanza: I got to get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?
George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry: I've never had a job.
[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even]
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
[Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
George Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier.
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go.
[gives George his gift]
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza: Exactly.
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?
Jerry: UNDATABLE.
Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together?
Jerry: Alcohol.
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry: She's out.
George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: [to George] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
Jerry: What are you, an idiot?
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.
[Kramer covers himself in butter]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
[George is thinking of starting his own charity]
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
[talking about his love of the word "manure"]
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza: They could've at least tried...
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid?
Jerry: $40.
George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.
Jerry: [to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick with the opposite.
George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza: What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.
Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.
Jerry: [George plans to name his first child "Seven"] Awright, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George Costanza: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: [Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard] I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George Costanza: Awright already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry: Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: It's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?
[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.
Newman: What? I love broccoli.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste.
[Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up]
Newman: Vile weed.
Jerry: You got the job?
George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry: Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.
[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on George, be realistic.
[scoffs]
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite.
[Kramer enters]
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: When were you going to tell me this?
Jerry: Obviously never.
Cosmo Kramer: [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.
George Costanza: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time
[Jerry interrupts]
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Newman: [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's