Narrator: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that mean that they watch you commit suicide.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You know, if I didn't already know you don't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.
[Rifling through 30-year old evidence]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I got one word for you, Rey - plastics.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: We got a hit on the fake fur.
Det. Rey Curtis: Yeah, you'll never guess what they make them out of.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Recycled soda bottles. What else did you find out?
Ben Stone: Although justice must be tempered with mercy, it must still maintain a sense of retribution.
Ben Stone: The jury should look like society. People that represent the victim as well as the defendant
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Even though you are a taxpayer, you know, we don't actually work for you personally.
[Trying to keep a suspect from escaping through a window]
Det. Ed Green: Rock, paper, scissors, gun.
Emil Skoda: That's just a load of rehearsed crap.
Jack McCoy: I remember how hard it was when I realized my father was a son of a bitch. I can't imagine what it must be like when you realize you raised one.
Jack McCoy: You played me, you son of a bitch!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for - obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We had a deal, you son of a bitch!
Jack McCoy: You son of a bitch! You played me!
Adam Schiff: You do what you have to do, you're still welcome to my scotch.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I want to go to law school so I can learn how to turn gold into lead.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I told you, you should have gone to bed with her. You're getting the grief without getting the gravy.
Jack McCoy: Your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife's head.
Det. Ed Green: If you're going to lie, be creative or we'll get bored.
Jack McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil.
Jamie Ross: Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Boy, I'd hate for somebody to trace me by what I read.
Det. Rey Curtis: You read, Lennie?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well the FBI says he's not in the witness protection program but they mighta had their fingers crossed.
Jack McCoy: Never get Freudian on a man holding a pickle.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do you believe him?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I believe on a good day he couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
Danielle Melnick: Julian Prusse is accused of a crime but that doesn't make him Hannibal Lecter.
Danielle Melnick: Hello, Jack. Ok, let's talk turkey. What are you up to?... And don't give me that party line about Prusse being a threat to society.
Jack McCoy: When you argue, I have this compulsive need to argue back.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [in disgust to Det. Ed Green] Ed, I sold my plantation over a century ago.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Love - a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage.
D.A. Arthur Branch: Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good.
Adam Schiff: A motive pulled straight from the tabloids. And what about means and opportunity? Are you getting that from comic books?
EADA Ben Stone: My father wanted me to be a doctor. I took a year of medical school just to please him.
Adam Schiff: What happened?
EADA Ben Stone: I grew up.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Just like the Bates Hotel. They check in but they never check out.
[a victim has died, apparently during S&M sex]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: No defensive wounds.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: That's odd.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Yeah, the fun part for these guys is the struggle AFTER they've been tied up.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Or so I've heard.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: I'd like it if you two became real partners.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And I'd like it if my ex-wives got partners. No more alimony.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: I'd better go. I'm late for my daily spanking at One Police Plaza.
[upon learning that an old gangster had himself killed to frame his cheating young wife and her boyfriend]
DA Branch: Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.
EADA Jack McCoy: You can re-write the law when you're appointed to the Supreme Court.
D.A. Arthur Branch: God willing.
ADA Jack McCoy: There comes a time in everyone's political career when you have to expect a couple over easy in the kisser.
[handcuffing a suspect]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You've heard of the Seven Rings of Saturn? These are the Two Rings of Riker's.
ADA Serena Southerlyn: So, her sex life is way better than mine, so what?
Ben Stone: I'm not the one on trial here, and I'm the one who asks the questions!
Det. Ed Green: [a suspect, who'd complained of radiating pain in his neck, tries to escape from his apartment; Green goes to apprehend him] That's good, now radiate your ass up against the wall!
[the driver of a Jaguar has been shot; a carjacking is suspected]
Det. Ed Green: Just give up the car! Man, when are people gonna realize it isn't worth your life?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Spoken like somebody who's never owned a Jag.
Det. Rey Curtis: When I filled out my ethnicity, I had to put "Other"...
Jack McCoy: [waiter brings a drink bought by the defense attorney in the last case] Take it back.
ADA Claire Kincaid: You can't forgive anyone, can you?
Jack McCoy: Nope. Besides, that was bourbon; I'm drinking scotch.
[looking at a murder victim]
Det. Ed Green: Bare foot, cross painted on her chest. Looks like we're dealing with some religious nut.
[watching Van Buren and Fontana tear into each other]
Det. Ed Green: Look, we can sit here and argue politics all day long, but there's still gonna be a dead girl in the morgue.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: I got another body coming in. Guy took a javelin to the chest.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Why are you still in this line of work?
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Free javelins.
[phone rings, Rodgers answers]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Rodgers.
[pause; she hands the phone to Green]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Your lieutenant.
[Green looks at the receiver but won't touch it]
Det. Ed Green: What's that on the receiver? Brains?
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Egg salad, maybe.
Det. Ed Green: You got another phone?
[looking at a hospital sign that says "Pediatric Oncology"]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Now there's two words that should never go together.
ADA Jack McCoy: If that's the way you feel, Danielle, move to suppress.
Danielle Melnick: Right. Judge Logan's gonna rule FISA violates the Fourth Amendment. How many beers have *you* had?
Jack McCoy: The last time I checked, "Stupid" isn't a defense for murder!
Capt. Donald Cragen: What'd he say?
Det. Mike Logan: He told us to go to hell
Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, at least he's got a way with words.
Ben Stone: I'm a Catholic - I can feel guilty about anything.
Arraignment judge: Life is beautiful. All God's children are innocent.
Adam Schiff: Flipped a coin in my head. Came up tails. Talk to the boy.
Adam Schiff: People see the devil as an allegory.
ADA Jack McCoy: I'm not so sure I do.
Abbie Carmichael: Horns and a pitchfork, Jack?
[about gay marriage]
Jack McCoy: Let 'em marry. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?
Abbie Carmichael: Ugh. Doctors. I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: It wasn't the eighteen floors from the window to the street that killed her, it was the sudden stop.
ADA Jack McCoy: Sometimes Lennie Briscoe doesn't hit it out of the park.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I don't like to be second guessed!
[referring to Ed Green]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I've been walking on eggshells the whole time he's been here!
Abbie Carmichael: Gentleman, if we can just lower the amount of testosterone...