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Law & Order (TV Series 1990–2010) Poster

(1990–2010)

Quotes

[Opening narration]

Narrator: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that mean that they watch you commit suicide.

Det. Ed Green: If you're going to lie, be creative or we'll get bored.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: Boy, I'd hate for somebody to trace me by what I read.

Det. Rey Curtis: You read, Lennie?

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[about gay marriage]

Jack McCoy: Let 'em marry. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: Even though you are a taxpayer, you know, we don't actually work for you personally.

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Emil Skoda: That's just a load of rehearsed crap.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for - obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass!

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Jack McCoy: Never get Freudian on a man holding a pickle.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: Love - a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage.

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[Trying to keep a suspect from escaping through a window]

Det. Ed Green: Rock, paper, scissors, gun.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: You know, if I didn't already know you don't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.

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[Rifling through 30-year old evidence]

Det. Lennie Briscoe: I got one word for you, Rey - plastics.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: [in disgust to Det. Ed Green] Ed, I sold my plantation over a century ago.

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[a victim has died, apparently during S&M sex]

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: No defensive wounds.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: That's odd.

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Yeah, the fun part for these guys is the struggle AFTER they've been tied up.

[pause]

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Or so I've heard.

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[handcuffing a suspect]

Det. Lennie Briscoe: You've heard of the Seven Rings of Saturn? These are the Two Rings of Riker's.

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[the driver of a Jaguar has been shot; a carjacking is suspected]

Det. Ed Green: Just give up the car! Man, when are people gonna realize it isn't worth your life?

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Spoken like somebody who's never owned a Jag.

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[phone rings, Rodgers answers]

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Rodgers.

[pause; she hands the phone to Green]

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Your lieutenant.

[Green looks at the receiver but won't touch it]

Det. Ed Green: What's that on the receiver? Brains?

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Egg salad, maybe.

Det. Ed Green: You got another phone?

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Jack McCoy: The last time I checked, "Stupid" isn't a defense for murder!

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Det. Mike Logan: Interviewing suspect: When is your birthday?

Suspect: March 20.

Det. Mike Logan: What year?

Suspect: Every year. I have a birthday every year!

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A.D.A. Paul Robinette: Could be he's lucky.

Capt. Donald Cragen: Could be next week I'll be doing shampoo commercials.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: I want to go to law school so I can learn how to turn gold into lead.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: I told you, you should have gone to bed with her. You're getting the grief without getting the gravy.

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Jack McCoy: Your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife's head.

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Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do you believe him?

Det. Lennie Briscoe: I believe on a good day he couldn't hit his ass with both hands.

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Lt. Anita Van Buren: I'd like it if you two became real partners.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: And I'd like it if my ex-wives got partners. No more alimony.

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Lt. Anita Van Buren: I'd better go. I'm late for my daily spanking at One Police Plaza.

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EADA Jack McCoy: You can re-write the law when you're appointed to the Supreme Court.

D.A. Arthur Branch: God willing.

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Jack McCoy: [waiter brings a drink bought by the defense attorney in the last case] Take it back.

ADA Claire Kincaid: You can't forgive anyone, can you?

Jack McCoy: Nope. Besides, that was bourbon; I'm drinking scotch.

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Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: I got another body coming in. Guy took a javelin to the chest.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Why are you still in this line of work?

Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Free javelins.

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[looking at a hospital sign that says "Pediatric Oncology"]

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Now there's two words that should never go together.

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Capt. Donald Cragen: What'd he say?

Det. Mike Logan: He told us to go to hell

Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, at least he's got a way with words.

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Ben Stone: I'm a Catholic - I can feel guilty about anything.

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Arraignment judge: Life is beautiful. All God's children are innocent.

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Lt. Anita Van Buren: It wasn't the eighteen floors from the window to the street that killed her, it was the sudden stop.

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Adam Schiff: Always think you have a smoking gun, till the smoke blows in your face.

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Adam Schiff: A first-year law student could punch more holes in your case than Con Ed has in Third Avenue.

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Adam Schiff: I wouldn't count your chickens. Your omelet just hit the fan.

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Ben Stone: Although justice must be tempered with mercy, it must still maintain a sense of retribution.

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Jack McCoy: You played me, you son of a bitch!

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Detective Lennie Briscoe: We had a deal, you son of a bitch!

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Adam Schiff: You do what you have to do, you're still welcome to my scotch.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: Just like the Bates Hotel. They check in but they never check out.

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ADA Serena Southerlyn: So, her sex life is way better than mine, so what?

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Ben Stone: I'm not the one on trial here, and I'm the one who asks the questions!

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Det. Ed Green: [a suspect, who'd complained of radiating pain in his neck, tries to escape from his apartment; Green goes to apprehend him] That's good, now radiate your ass up against the wall!

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Det. Rey Curtis: When I filled out my ethnicity, I had to put "Other"...

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[watching Van Buren and Fontana tear into each other]

Det. Ed Green: Look, we can sit here and argue politics all day long, but there's still gonna be a dead girl in the morgue.

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Adam Schiff: Flipped a coin in my head. Came up tails. Talk to the boy.

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Adam Schiff: People see the devil as an allegory.

ADA Jack McCoy: I'm not so sure I do.

Abbie Carmichael: Horns and a pitchfork, Jack?

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Det. Rey Curtis: You're a Catholic.

Jack McCoy: Not at work. Sorry.

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Lt. Anita Van Buren: If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he?

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well the FBI says he's not in the witness protection program but they mighta had their fingers crossed.

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D.A. Arthur Branch: Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good.

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Adam Schiff: A motive pulled straight from the tabloids. And what about means and opportunity? Are you getting that from comic books?

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Ben Stone: The jury should look like society. People that represent the victim as well as the defendant

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Jack McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil.

Jamie Ross: Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.

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[upon learning that an old gangster had himself killed to frame his cheating young wife and her boyfriend]

DA Branch: Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.

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Jack McCoy: You son of a bitch! You played me!

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ADA Jack McCoy: There comes a time in everyone's political career when you have to expect a couple over easy in the kisser.

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[looking at a murder victim]

Det. Ed Green: Bare foot, cross painted on her chest. Looks like we're dealing with some religious nut.

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ADA Jack McCoy: If that's the way you feel, Danielle, move to suppress.

Danielle Melnick: Right. Judge Logan's gonna rule FISA violates the Fourth Amendment. How many beers have *you* had?

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Abbie Carmichael: Ugh. Doctors. I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one.

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ADA Jack McCoy: Sometimes Lennie Briscoe doesn't hit it out of the park.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: I don't like to be second guessed!

[referring to Ed Green]

Det. Lennie Briscoe: I've been walking on eggshells the whole time he's been here!

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Abbie Carmichael: Gentleman, if we can just lower the amount of testosterone...

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Ben Stone: Unless the victim qualifies for sainthood, we shouldn't prosecute? Lyndon Johnson tried governing by opinion polls... It didn't work.

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Det. Mike Logan: [to a girl who's being unhelphul] Listen... Somebody blew your boyfriend's brains out with a 48, okay?

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ADA Claire Kincaid: Where's our notice?

Ben Stone: The client's dog ate it!

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[repeated line]

Capt. Donald Cragen: Pick him/her up.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: We got a hit on the fake fur.

Det. Rey Curtis: Yeah, you'll never guess what they make them out of.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: Recycled soda bottles. What else did you find out?

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Det. Mike Logan: Put the burrito down, señor.

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Det. Mike Logan: Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: [reading off a video case containing a snuff film] "The girls next door, the girls you've always dreamed about. Behind closed doors for the first time."

Det. Mike Logan: For the LAST time.

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Det. Lennie Briscoe: "Oh hello Mrs. Russell, you daughter was raped and shot in the head". You want me to do it?

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Sergeant Max Greevey: Patient is dead. But don't worry, the doctor is fine.

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[repeated line]

Capt. Donald Cragen: Freakin'

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Det. Mike Logan: That really frosts my cookies!

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Cookie Molina: I can see the future.

Sergeant Max Greevey: Oh yeah?

Cookie Molina: You are going to read me my rights.

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Det. Mike Logan: You have the right to remain silent.

Dorian 'Silky' Ford: Big surprise. Shut up, man!

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Capt. Donald Cragen: [repeated line, annoyed every time someone calls] WHAT?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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