Have I Got News for You (1990– )
Des Lynam: Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?
Ian Hislop: Customers?
Des Lynam: Yes!
Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients?
[Osama bin Larden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle']
Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!
[on a question about Pokémon]
Ian Hislop: This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.
Ian Hislop: I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.
Angus Deayton: You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?
Ian Hislop: I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.
Paul Merton: You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?
Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother?
Paul Merton: We talked about you.
Angus Deayton: No, you didn't.
Paul Merton: Yes, we did.
Angus Deayton: What did she say about me?
Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
[after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team]
Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?
Des Lynam: Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really!
Ian Hislop: I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!
Des Lynam: [During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"
Des Lynam: [on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup] After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were!
[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]
Ian Hislop: Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.
Jack Dee: Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin.
Angus Deayton: Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.
[at the end of the quiz]
Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!
Angus Deayton: Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.
Ian Hislop: [asked to sum up the Million Man March] Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews.
Angus Deayton: [reading out headline during missing words round] I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.
Paul Merton: Swallow?
Ian Hislop: It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.
Tom Baker: I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.
Ian Hislop: She was a witch, was she?
Tom Baker: She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!
[caption competition - a group of North Korean military officers, chests covered in medals, singing with gusto, their mouths making perfect 'O' shapes]
Graeme Garden: That bloke on the top right is saying "For God's sake somebody go 'klahoma!"
Clive Anderson: Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Partly, yes.
Paul Merton: I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!
Boris Johnson: I think we should get off my, um, my property.
Paul Merton: I can see you as Zorro!
Ian Hislop: Zorro, the gay blade!
Des Lynam: I've never been accused of that - yet!
Mark Steel: [on Bush and Rumsfeld] They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice."
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.
Paul Merton: This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes
Paul Merton: I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors.
David Steel: "Gieves"
David Steel: , I think you'll find.
Paul Merton: "Gieves"? Is it Gieves?
David Steel: Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it?
Paul Merton: Does it? How's it spelled?
Angus Deayton: G-E-I.
Paul Merton: Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters.
Angus Deayton: So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been...
Paul Merton: So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S?
Angus Deayton: Yeah.
Paul Merton: Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...
Paul Merton: I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.
[answering a question about dogs]
Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...
Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research!
[discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show]
Angus Deayton: It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself.
Paul Merton: Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr. Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian.
Angus Deayton: Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?
Paul Merton: Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.
Angus Deayton: Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.
Paul Merton: What does that mean?
Ian Hislop: It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.
Angus Deayton: Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies - which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die.
Angus: [mishears something Paul says] Half an hour on a giraffe?
Paul Merton: No, not right now I've got to do this.
Paul Merton: I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes
Angus: You don't need to tell me.
Paul Merton: Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"
Ian Hislop: I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham!
[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]
Paul Merton: General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.
Ian Hislop: New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.
Tom Baker: How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?
[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]
Ian Hislop: Angus takes his stabilisers off.
Paul Merton: Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.