Have I Got News for You (1990– )
Des Lynam: Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?
Ian Hislop: Customers?
Des Lynam: Yes!
Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients?
[Osama bin Laden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle']
Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!
[on a question about Pokémon]
Ian Hislop: This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.
Ian Hislop: I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.
Angus Deayton: You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?
Ian Hislop: I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.
Paul Merton: You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?
Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother?
Paul Merton: We talked about you.
Angus Deayton: No, you didn't.
Paul Merton: Yes, we did.
Angus Deayton: What did she say about me?
Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
Angus Deayton: [reading out headline during missing words round] I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.
Paul Merton: Swallow?
[after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team]
Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?
Des Lynam: Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really!
Ian Hislop: I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!
Des Lynam: [During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"
Des Lynam: [on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup] After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were!
[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]
Ian Hislop: Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.
Jack Dee: Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin.
Angus Deayton: Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.
[at the end of the quiz]
Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!
Angus Deayton: Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.
[discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show]
Angus Deayton: It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself.
Paul Merton: Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.
Ian Hislop: [asked to sum up the Million Man March] Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews.
Ian Hislop: It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.
Tom Baker: I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.
Ian Hislop: She was a witch, was she?
Tom Baker: She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!
[caption competition - a group of North Korean military officers, chests covered in medals, singing with gusto, their mouths making perfect 'O' shapes]
Graeme Garden: That bloke on the top right is saying "For God's sake somebody go 'klahoma!"
Clive Anderson: Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Partly, yes.
Paul Merton: I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!
Boris Johnson: I think we should get off my, um, my property.
Paul Merton: I can see you as Zorro!
Ian Hislop: Zorro, the gay blade!
Des Lynam: I've never been accused of that - yet!
Mark Steel: [on Bush and Rumsfeld] They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice."
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.
Paul Merton: This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes
Paul Merton: I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors.
David Steel: "Gieves"
David Steel: , I think you'll find.
Paul Merton: "Gieves"? Is it Gieves?
David Steel: Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it?
Paul Merton: Does it? How's it spelled?
Angus Deayton: G-E-I.
Paul Merton: Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters.
Angus Deayton: So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been...
Paul Merton: So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S?
Angus Deayton: Yeah.
Paul Merton: Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...
Paul Merton: I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.
[answering a question about dogs]
Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...
Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research!
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr. Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian.
Angus Deayton: Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?
Paul Merton: Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.
Angus Deayton: Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.
Paul Merton: What does that mean?
Ian Hislop: It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.
Angus Deayton: Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies - which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die.
Angus: [mishears something Paul says] Half an hour on a giraffe?
Paul Merton: No, not right now I've got to do this.
Paul Merton: I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes
Angus: You don't need to tell me.
Paul Merton: Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"
Ian Hislop: I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham!
[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]
Paul Merton: General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.
Ian Hislop: New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.
Tom Baker: How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?
[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]
Ian Hislop: Angus takes his stabilisers off.
Paul Merton: Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.
Angus Deayton: Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags".
Paul Merton: That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!
Angus Deayton: [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.
[clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays]
Jeffrey Archer: Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!
Paul Merton: Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?
Angus Deayton: Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.
[the clip plays again, everyone laughs again]
Paul Merton: Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?
Ian Hislop: It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!
Piers Morgan: Is the answer jam?
Angus Deayton: Not in so many words, no.
Piers Morgan: I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.
Ian Hislop: People like him.
Angus Deayton: The answer is tennis ball. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.
Clive Anderson: [to Piers Morgan] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?
Piers Morgan: What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?
Clive Anderson: About as much as you do!
Ian Hislop: I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?
Paula Yates: You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.
Paul Merton: Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.
Paula Yates: [narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.
[audience laughs. She tries to carry on talking but Ian is too busy sneering at the malapropism she's just made]
Ian Hislop: Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!
Angus Deayton: The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?
Sheila Hancock: Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.
Angus Deayton: Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...
Paul Merton: I-T?
Angus Deayton: ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.
Sheila Hancock: [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!
Paul Merton: Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!
Ian Hislop: You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!
Ian Hislop: I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW".
Paul Merton: A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?
Ian Hislop: Milk.
Paul Merton: Where'd you get the milk?
Ian Hislop: A Coconut.
Paul Merton: How'd you get in the Coconut?
Ian Hislop: With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia!
Katharine Ryan: I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.
Ian Hislop: You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong.
Katharine Ryan: It's bad for the ducks too! It's Quack Cocaine!
Katharine Ryan: [on the news story of a 15 year-old hacker who compromised TalkTalk's customer database] These teenagers! What are their Mothers doing, banging on the wall yelling "You'd better be wanking in there and not bringing down a Large Corporation!"?
[laughter and applause]
Paul Merton: The two activities are not mutually exclusive.
Ian Hislop: [she's misheard something he said about the parachuted beavers story] Ah, you were on a "beaver" theme.
Katharine Ryan: I thought you were saying that sex was "invading the creek", and I loved that!
Ian Hislop: Well, we could do a retake.
Ian Hislop: It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea that the NHS wasn't 7 days is a bit of a scandal, anyway. One of the reasons it's not is because GPs were given this amazing contract where they don't have to work after hours any more. And all that was outsourced to people who said they'd do it cheaper, and like most outsourcing you do it cheaper because you don't do it very well!
Ian Hislop: I was watching Big Brother the other night...
Charlotte Church: Oh, I did a project on that, for school!
Ian Hislop: ...I think I'm going to kill myself.
Charlotte Church: The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.
Ian Hislop: And you said "Terrible"?
Journalist: [reporting on 2015 Election] UKIP are in danger of becoming like an Absolutist Monarchy or a Personality C***. Sorry! Cult!
Stephen Fry: [to David Shayler, who appeared via satellite link] The Official Secrets Act is just a piece of paper to you, isn't it?
Jack Dee: Can I just say that I don't call Hitler "The Fuhrer"? It's just written there.
Guest: So you were Only Following Orders?
Host: A man trying to be festive painted the phrase "Let it snow!" across the front windows of his house. Unfortunately, from the front it just says... "Tits now!"
Brian Sewell: They've moved
Brian Sewell: [the painting]
Brian Sewell: from one room in the Gallery to another. That's hardly news!
Brian Sewell: [Ian has used the word "less" improperly] Fewer!
Ian Hislop: May I say what an honour it is to be corrected by you?
Ian Hislop: [Robert] Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer and he's dead so he can't sue.
Paul Merton: [on hearing that Iain Duncan Smith has another middle name] There's four of him?
Celebrity Chef: Live Lobsters are great because you can smuggle them through Customs. I had some with me once and the guy said "You can't take those on Board, they're alive!" I asked "Could I take them on if they were dead?" and he said "Yes". So I started taking my Brooch off. "What are you doing?" he asked, and I said "I'm going to kill them." "Not in front of me, you're not" he said, so I just took them on.
Ian Hislop: [Google Books' digital errors] What happens in Scotland, on Bums Night?
Guest: They all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne!
David Mitchell: [Google Books' digital errors] Here's another one: "She flung her anus around his neck..."
Jo Brand: ["Ambulance Today" Magazine in Missing Words Round] Emergency Services Drivers humour is inappropriately dark, disturbing and graphic. That's from "Ambulance Today", which is what you optimistically shout down the phone if you want an ambulance.
Continuity Announcer: The following program features mature language and adult humour, but it's mostly directed against Politicians.
Jo Brand: [DJ fired for playing "The Sun has got his Hat on"] The N-word apparently is acceptable if spelled colloquially with an "a" on the end instead of "er". So says a BBC WANKA!
Boris Johnson: Dogs dogged Doug's dogged dog!
Paul Merton: Is this what it's like going to University?
Stephen Fry: Well, there was this chap and he went on a high and thought it would be a marvellous idea to take his car apart and arrange all the parts out neatly. And of course halfway through he had a crash into depression. Which was made even worse by the fact he had no car.
Gary Lineker: [Refereeing Magazine, Missing Words round] "At the start of your career, you should ask other referees about what, what, and what?"
Ian Hislop: Offside, onside and suicide?
Reginald D. Hunter: I often start talking in a Southern American accent. I was talking to this lady the other night and she found out I was a comedian and said "Oh, what do you know about Tommy Cooper", and I said "He dead". She said "Sorry, I must be terribly British and correct your grammar, I think you'll find it's "He died"". I said "At first he died, but now he dead!"
Rob Brydon: How did Tony Blair slip up this week giving a speech about the NHS?
Ian Hislop: Was it the old joke about the politician who stands up and says "The NHS's safe is in my hands. No, sorry, I mean the NHS is safe in my hands!"?
David Mitchell: [Google Books digital errors] "He paid tribute to the dead Captain, who had been one of his Comrades in Anus."
Janet Street-Porter: ["The Queen is dead" Tweet] There was that rather over-excited nurse, too, wasn't there? At least she was in Hospital that time.
Ian Hislop: Yes, it's rare but not unheard of in this country that after going into Hospital you come out again.
Damien Lewis: [President Carter was once chased by a rabbit] Not to forget the most famous rabbit Presidential Assassin: Lee HARVEY Oswald.
Paul Merton: That film came out in 1952!
Damien Lewis: Careful we might be being Bugsed! One off the cuff...
Paul Merton: Well it's certainly not one off the script!
Damien Lewis: How are rabbits being used in the fight against Islamic State? MiximatISIS!
Ian Hislop: [Stephen Hawking wants to be a Bond Villain] Stephen Hawking operates his Voice Synthesiser by moving one muscle in his face, so he's already doing better than Roger Moore...
Ian Hislop: Stephen Hawking had an upgrade on his Computerised Voice Synthesiser, so it's faster now but he lost all his old photos, and it's made him think about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, because it predicts what he's saying, so he feels the need to warn us of the dangers of technology rising up against us. And, of course, Professor Schwartzenegger tried to warn us about this back in the Eighties in Terminator!
Martin Clunes: What Literary Award have you just won?
Kirsty Wark: The Bad Sex Award!
Ian Hislop: The Bad Sex Award?
Kirsty Wark: Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award!
Reginald D. Hunter: I was going to say, you took winning that quite well!
Paul Merton: You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?
Kirsty Wark: [Nigel Farage's Claridges Gaffe] I think it's interesting that he's against breastfeeding when we have Page 3 in the Sun, which presumably he's for?
Ian Hislop: As a personal freedom issue, yes.
Kirsty Wark: As opposed to breastfeeding in Hotel Lobbies?
Ian Hislop: Which is down to taste!
Reginald D. Hunter: Did he say that? That he was against Page 3?
Ian Hislop: We haven't asked him.
Reginald D. Hunter: I'm not rooting for the guy. It's just he fucks up so often you don't need to be making stuff up!
Kirsty Wark: ["Poor people can't cook" Headline] What did you have for breakfast?
Ian Hislop: Oh, no time for Breakfast! Coffee and Cigarettes!
Paul Merton: And wild, wild women!
Spike Milligan: Yeah, name the bugger!
Jo Brand: Norway says the British sense of humour is the most stupid and pointless in the World. Yeah, that's right Norway! Thubbbpt!
Ian Hislop: Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.
Jo Brand: That's got nothing to do with the question.
Paul Merton: She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!
Michael Aspel: The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"
Paul Merton: What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian?
Ian Hislop: "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form.
Reginald D. Hunter: When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!
Will Self: [questionable Party donation] I've often wondered, I mean, so you're a wealthy philanthropist and you want to give your money away like a good public-spirited Christian? What gene is it that makes you want to give it to the Labour Party, why is that top of your list and not muscular dystrophy?
Clive Anderson: A good week for Body Language experts! Whose assessments miraculously reflected the political leanings of the papers they worked for...
Phil Hammond: There's a lot of discrimination against obese people in the NHS, I knew one Doctor who would write DTS in the notes, which means Danger to Shipping.
Mark Steel: [establishment of NHS Foundation Trusts] New Labour can't get out of the idea that everything has to make a profit, and if you say the State should fund it they say "Oh, that's a lot of outdated nonsense". It's like if you went round, threw a load of plates in the air and said "Gravity? That was 300 years ago!"
Ian Hislop: [SAT Tests] All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would pass them so it's all cancelled.
Paul Merton: Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they?
[groans from the audience]
Paul Merton: You'll be using it tomorrow!
Bruce Forsythe: The map on the back of the Euro coin features only the countries that are in the EU, and does not include Norway, giving Scandinavia an unsettling shape.
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: Literal translations can lead to misunderstandings: when the Yorkshire patients talk about their "privates" the Austrian Doctors think they mean their "Houses".
Ian Hislop: [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque] Aren't those meant for real people?
Paul Merton: Are you suggesting that Mr. Bear...?
Ian Hislop: Not for a moment!
Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter: I love Rupert the Bear stories, especially the one where Bill Badger was gassed.
Sanjeev Baskar: What was the name of the man who ran the first Marathon?
Ian Hislop: Phidippides!
Rebecca Front: An actor's life for me!
Reginald D. Hunter: I got no respect for the concept of Batman, based on my understanding of politics and that.
Bill Bailey: I'm sorry, what? What?
Reginald D. Hunter: Let me break it down for you: Batman is this high-powered millionaire, got all this technology, and he only use it on street-level crime. He don't focus on the Murdochs, Trump, Corporate, White-Collar crime, he only care about the purse-snatcher on the street! Batman is a Conservative's Wetdream. Fuck Batman!
Tub of Lard: [Silent]
Angus: And so the answer to your Odd One Out round...
Paul Merton: Hold on! He's only just seen it.
Frank Skinner: What is the fastest growing language in the UK?
Ian Hislop: Emoji!
Frank Skinner: It is Emoji.
Ian Hislop: In which I happen to be fluent.
Guest: Oh! Laughing face laughing face crying face poo?
Ian Hislop: [clip of Baroness Thatcher saying she liked Rolf Harris's "Two little Boys" song] "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two"? Maggie would've shot him right between the eyes!
Damien Lewis: Standard stuff or right-wing lunacy? What do YOU think, Nigel?
Nigel Farage: Even UKIP on a bad day can't compete with Mitt Romney!
Harry Shearer: Romney said "Tomorrow is the beginning of a brighter tomorrow..."
Martin Clunes: The Sun referred to the Cornish Liberation Army as the Oohh-Arrr A!
[pun on IRA]
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: [Undisclosed Offshore Holdings Scandal] What was the Scandinavian Prime Minister's name?
Henning Wehn: Sven?
Ian Hislop: I get a German on the show and he uses a racial stereotype!
Henning Wehn: [Top Gear clip] I think Jeremy's English is very good, considering.
Keith Vaz MP: This could be good news or it could be like the Pathway Project, where we were promised a new Spanking Hospital...
Paul Merton: It's a kind of alternative therapy!
Kathy Burke: The author is not the first to suggest that Putin is
Kathy Burke: latently gay,
[back to normal]
Kathy Burke: there were a few recently deceased Psychologists, too...
Paul Merton: Whenever Roger Beard puts on his Cucumber Suit, Roger Cucumber puts on his Beard suit.
Victoria Coren Mitchell: I went to my optician and said I'd like something a Librarian would wear in a porn film, and he said he was sorry but he had no idea what I was talking about.
Romesh Ranganathan: He probably hadn't been in many libraries.
Eddie Izzard: He chose well.
Victoria Coren Mitchell: Moving on, then.
David Shayler: [Muhammed Al Fayed's picture is in the odd one out round] Now, I have to be careful what I say about him, because he pays my salary!
Stephen Merchant: [Plebgate] A police whistleblower has come forward to say that there was a plot to get Mitchell, and one of the officers had said "Right, we can stitch him up." I love the way he said it like something out of the Beano.
Guest: They're all whistleblowers, policemen. They all blow whistles!
Stephen Merchant: Not anymore. You could have said that back when the show started!
Guest: [relentless and absurd grilling] Can I just say that I am sorry for everything I've ever done ever?
Boris Johnson: This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon".
Ian Hislop: Did you say "Do you know who I am?"
Paul Merton: I've got no idea, myself.
Boris Johnson: Perhaps he could have told me...
Boris Johnson: I meant no plagiarisms.
Ian Hislop: I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!
Paul Merton: Nobody could plagiarise you, Boris! There is no-one like you, you are unique!
Paul Merton: I said that, but a bit more fluent. You're whipping me up into a coma, Boris!
Paul Merton: Did you study Philosophy, or did you just think you studied Philosophy?
Boris Johnson: How would I know?
Rick Wakeman: My Wife wasn't a Miss World, but she was a Miss something...
Ian Hislop: A Mistake?
Rick Wakeman: I quite liked Miss Bournemouth, but the tide's gone out...
Paul Merton: Blank look again, Boris? "I must kill the Prime Minister..."
Boris Johnson: It's the phenomenonenon of the reversal of mores.
Damien Lewis: Do you want to see an American Politician with a funny nose?
Boris Johnson: [Diana Inquiry Result] Commenting, the Head of the Metropolitan Police said "If we'd been in charge, she wouldn't have died." Unless of course, she'd tried to jump a ticket barrier at a London Underground Station!
Guest: Mitt Romney has come out strongly against Gay Marriage, because as a committed Mormon he believes that Marriage is a Sacrament between a man and no more than four women.
Frankie Boyle: The thing about Academies is that they can't be run for profit, so they only attract people who want to raise standards. Or deny Evolution and introduce Sharia Law...
Brian Blessed: They say Gordon Brown is finished, but I say GORDON'S ALIVE!
Richard E. Grant: I must confess I only got 9% on O-level Maths.
Ian Hislop: 9%? That's an A-star now!
Trevor MacDonald: A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?
Paul Merton: A whistling woman and a crowing hen may not look the same when the rain comes in. It's a weather thing. If a cow lies down it soon will snow, if a squirrel jumps, ho-di-ho.
Marcus Brigstocke: I live by that proverb.
Paul Merton: You poor devil.
Marcus Brigstocke: It's confusing, but, you know...
Ian Hislop: They all end ho-di-ho, Medieval proverbs! Can you just repeat it one more time, Sir Trevor, for our amusement?
Trevor MacDonald: A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?
Ian Hislop: Change their name from Griselda to Ben?
Trevor MacDonald: Very good, but not the right answer. A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor Men!
Boris Johnson: It really is a triumph of hope over experience...
Ian Hislop: Garlic deters MRSA? I think that's the first useful bit of information we've had on this show!
Ian Hislop: You bought one courgette?
Miranda Hart: I live alone!
Guest: Oooh! Buzz!
Ian Hislop: You've been on this kind of a high-end show before, haven't you?
Boris Johnson: One might ride a Quad Bike at Oxford, in the Quad!
Rick Wakeman: By that logic, only bisexuals could ride bicycles.
Ian Hislop: It's like a trireme, Boris, you've heard of those?
Michael Aspel: Sara, you're a woman, have you got a mustard yellow coat?
Sara Cox: I am a woman, yes I am! I don't really rock the mustard look, to be honest Michael, it's not me. It makes me look a bit like I've just done some crack, because it really washes me out.
Michael Aspel: Sara, you're a woman, have you got any Brogues?
Sara Cox: I am a woman! I don't have any Brogues, no, they make me look like I've just done some crack.
Michael Aspel: The Curse of Tutankhamun states that anyone who gazes on the mummified face of the Pharaoh will meet a premature death. Here it is again.
Michael Aspel: Ben Jones and a team from Aberdeen University found that simply smiling and looking directly into the beholder's eye is enough to make one appear eight times more attractive.
Reginald D. Hunter: Except in England, where it makes you "look like a nutter"
Boris Johnson: The Prince likes Pharrell, who is a hip-hop Master Mixer.
Sue Perkins: Your shoulders moved when you said Hip-hop!
Boris Johnson: They're supposed to, aren't they?
Paul Merton: You know they only make you read this out so you look stupid, don't you, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Yes, it's a pact of steel...
Michael Aspel: The study found that women sway their hips less when they want to conceive. Sara, you're a woman and pregnant...?
Sara Cox: Actually, I was born with a dislocated hip so I sort of wobble. I don't know about swaying, but look at me, it does the job.
Reginald D. Hunter: I bet that Paul McCartney would like you.
Gyles Brandreth: We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we joined the EU.
Ian Hislop: Is that the definitive argument?
Gyles Brandreth: The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing.
Paul Merton: So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers?
Gyles Brandreth: I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD!
Paul Merton: We're inviting Armageddon, then?
Gyles Brandreth: If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful.
Ian Hislop: I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides!
Gyles Brandreth: I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before.
Ian Hislop: You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing?
Gyles Brandreth: Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I remember 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or...
Ian Hislop: It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words!
Gyles Brandreth: I'm just trying to give some substance.
Paul Merton: Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!
Gyles Brandreth: The point is, at the beginning of the day we didn't know what was going to happen, while it was happening we didn't know what was happening, and when it had happened we didn't know what had happened.
Guy who nearly threw an Egg at Boris: Today was just a protest against the Conservative, the Conservative party, it was nothing to do with Vote Leave or the EU, it's against, it's against, uhm...
[trails off into silence]
Joe Wilkinson: He makes me look as if I know what I'm talking about!
Paul Merton: His ambition got him as far as having an Egg with him. Maybe next year, who knows?
Joe Wilkinson: He's the kind of person who always has an Egg with him.
Boris Johnson: I heard there was someone who was going to throw an egg at me. There he is! There are hungry people in this country, young man, we need that egg!
Gyles Brandreth: Given we've known this vote was coming for a long time, you'd expect the sides to have their arguments in better form than they have done.
Katharine Ryan: I don't feel like I've heard a coherent argument from either side. I'm confused!
Gyles Brandreth: You should be.
Katharine Ryan: What should I do, Gyles?
Gyles Brandreth: Go back to Canada! Wait for us to join you because we will be escaping the hundreds of millions who will be coming here the moment the borders come down!
Katharine Ryan: Please don't come to Canada, because with Trump we already have Americans threatening to come in. We've got to now build a wall, Americans are not as fit as Mexicans, it won't have to be a high wall...
Gary Lineker: Thousands of football fans are on the streets of Leicester today. Why is that, Ian?
Ian Hislop: They're very happy.
Gary Lineker: Why are they happy, Ian?
Ian Hislop: They've won.
Gary Lineker: What have they won, Ian?
Ian Hislop: They've won... the thing.
Gary Lineker: In Essex, a passenger takes the only course of action open to him after foolishly asking a taxi driver his opinion on Brexit.
[Clip of man jumping out of a car]
Paul Merton: They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead.
Sara Cox: I kind of struggle with History, really. I've got cavemen, Jesus, Henry VIII and then us. Anything in between...
Paul Merton: That's basically it, anyway.
Ian Hislop: That's certainly the full school syllabus at the moment!
Michael Aspel: What did Howard Carter do when he first found the tomb?
Sara Cox: Didn't he like wrench it open really roughly?
Reginald D. Hunter: Didn't he die horribly, years later? The Curse of King Kong?
Ian Hislop: You've done the same History Course as Sara!
Reginald D. Hunter: I come out of that fine American Education System...
Lego Biblical Character: Bring those men out here, we want to have sex with them!
Michael Aspel: Yes, this is another ruling about offensive language from those erratic dickwads at Ofcom.
Sara Cox: Michael! Never thought I'd hear that!
Michael Aspel: Although the ruling concerned the word "Poof" the word that most concerned the Big Brother audience was the dreaded N-word... "Nightly". In spite of the ruling most people feel "Poof" is an unacceptable term for a Big Brother housemate, the correct term is "Retard".
Reginald D. Hunter: Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform...
Ian Hislop: Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"?
Paul Merton: No, they're "Michael" and "Reginald". Let's not get too informal!
Ian Hislop: It's context, Paul, we're friends!
Michael Aspel: In removing the mask Carter broke the body into 18 pieces.
Reginald D. Hunter: Good God A'mighty!
Michael Aspel: According to the Mail, by the time Carter's team had finished King Tut had been decapitated, his torso cut in two, the arms and legs detached, and the pelvis separated from the trunk.
Reginald D. Hunter: It's like he went to a Millwall football match!
Michael Aspel: This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes, who has received a vote of no confidence from the London Assembly. What was his ballsy response?
Paul Merton: If you've got the authority and confidence to sack me, do it, otherwise I'm going home.
Michael Aspel: He said it was just a one-off.
Ian Hislop: It wasn't for Menezes! Someone said in a bygone age Sir Blair would have been given a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and then would be escorted to his office to quietly do the honorable thing. Knowing him, he'd drink the whiskey and come out with the revolver!
Michael Aspel: Yes, there was no real reason to invent the Genetic Supermouse, the Scientists just wanted to see what happened if they did it. Any other pointless science research this week?
Paul Merton: Someone's trained a Horse to say "How d'you do?" To confuse people walking through the countryside?
Michael Aspel: It's the dog washing machine!
Michael Aspel: What's going on here?
Sara Cox: Is he riding a horse that's sunk under water? Unless it's snorkling. And saying "How d'you do..."
Michael Aspel: The Scientist said humans have the same gene manipulated in the mouse, but doing the experiment with humans would be wrong. Adding WHOO-HA-HA-HA!
Michael Aspel: Blow for lovers of lobster as scientists say they feel pain. Bloody scientists, next they'll be telling us foxes feel pain when you hit them with half a brick...
Michael Aspel: This is a report from the Drainage Research Group of the School of the Built Environment at Herriot-Watt University. Or, as it's more commonly known, Drgotsotbeahwu...
Katharine Ryan: [Missing words round] What can cause long stretches of disappointment and depression interspersed by moments of joy?
Ian Hislop: Is it "Being Alive"?
Katharine Ryan: Aw! Ian!
Phil Hammond: [flu vaccine story] It's all about killing the poor. The assertive middle-class people are always at the front of the queue.
Russell Brand: Monkey Government!
Clive Anderson: What did Tony Blair keep quiet so people wouldn't think he was a nutter?
Paul Merton: WMDs? Faith!
Clive Anderson: Yes, Tony Blair revealed he kept his Faith quiet and that God often spoke to him at difficult moments. To say "Don't drag me into it, you nutter!"
Paul Merton: I just had a religious experience.
Frank Skinner: I saw Vera Lynne once and she said "I don't think anyone else could have a career like mine because Wars these days, they don't last long enough." I remember thinking it's not a complaint you hear often.
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: [Missing words round] David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot?
Paul Merton: Moustache!
Godfrey Bloom: Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point!
Ian Hislop: Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey?
Godfrey Bloom: Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...
Jerry Springer: Time now for the odd one out round. Ian and Ken, your four are, David Cameron, David Soul, Ken Livingstone and Randy Bumgardener.
Ken Livingstone: Who's Randy Bumgardener?
Katy Brand: I'm so glad I was here to hear you say that! David Soul wears his glasses like you Jerry!
Jerry Springer: Isn't that interesting? Because he played me in the Opera!
Ken Livingstone: I've been played in...
Jerry Springer: Oh, you've been played!
Ken Livingstone: Has Bumgardener, or whatever his name is...
Paul Merton: What do you mean "Bumgardener, whatever his name is"? We know his name's Randy Bumgardener! There's no two ways about it! What was his parents thinking of? What was his mother thinking of? "Oh, your name's Bumgardener? I'm going to marry you!"
Ken Livingstone: Nobody's done a play or Opera about Cameron so Bumgarden... I'm doing my best!
Paul Merton: You're saying Cameron's the odd one out?
Ken Livingstone: Very odd.
Jerry Springer: Randy Bumgardener...
Paul Merton: This is your life!
Jerry Springer: You may not know this but he is the General Manager of Blairhouse, and that is the US President's Estate Guesthouse. Randy Bumgardner's father was called Delmar Bumgardener.
Paul Merton: In an attempt to take the curse off Bumgardner!
Jerry Springer: And his mother was called Loretta Mincy. It's a good thing she didn't go double-barreled or she would have been a Mincy-Bumgardner!
Ian Hislop: They've tried to get young people involved by calling the Referendum "Votey McVoteface"?
Jason Manford: The referendum, on the 23rd of June, that everybody's, like, really knowledgeable about! And they've left it up to us! I can't even work "Series Link". I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who've been left with this decision to make, I mean, that's WHY we have government and that. My decision is who I want to make the decision for me.
Frankie Boyle: Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Environment Research Council's Polar Research Vessel, and the Fossilised Egg of an Elephant Bird.
Julia Hartley-Brewer: Well we know about the Polar Vessel because people voted to call it "Boatey McBoatface" in an online poll or "Boring McBoring Face" but the Government decided that was wrong so they're going to call it "The Sir David Attenborough". But that, rather wonderfully, prompted a petition for Sir David Attenborough to change his name to "Sir David McDavidface".
Ian Hislop: This is about changing your name? It's not called "Pot Black" anymore?
Paul Merton: Every colour is equal!
Adil Ray: Is there a link to Sir David Attenborough?
Paul Merton: It's because David Attenborough was the controller of BBC 2 back when Pot Black was commissioned in 1969. Because it was a program made for colour TV
Adil Ray: Did he discover all these except for...
Julia Hartley-Brewer: Boatey McBoatface!
Frankie Boyle: Absolutely right. I thought it could have been a lot worse asking the British Public to decide on something. It could have been called "The Harold Shipman".
Martin Clunes: Samuel Pepys buried his cheese, and that's not a euphemism.
Frankie Boyle: A new Superbreed of Sex-Mad, Sleepless Slugs has arrived from Spain.
Paul Merton: Ah, an Alliterative Threat!
Sean Lock: Time now for our missing words round. Which this week features guest publication "Pipetting News". In a recent edition, a request for interesting and amusing anecdotes about pipettes resulted in reader Gary Cameron's hilarious reply: "I'm still using a P200, with a serial number B-80-108-17!" Gary, you're bonkers!
Henning Wehn: [Oystercard scammer] We have a saying in my Country: Punish one and warn a thousand.
Frankie Boyle: This week we saw a sure sign the Referendum's on its way as Gordon Brown was brought out of retirement to dance on a ball like an old abused circus bear...
Frankie Boyle: I think Cameron is saving the Queen's Death for when he needs a really big news story. I think one day he'll turn up for one of his weekly meetings with a big pillow in his briefcase. "Sorry, Ma'am, but ISIS has landed in Cornwall!"
Frankie Boyle: This week Cameron and the Queen have been filmed making indiscreet comments about foreigners. This despite the fact we're always told the Royal Family are good for business and tourism. Perhaps if we had a country worth visiting we wouldn't have to parade around the product of centuries of incest in order to help sell fridge magnets.
Frankie Boyle: This is the U-turn on dropping animal welfare codes on Chickens Farmed for Meat. Now, instead of looking forward to an agonising and brutal death, the chickens can look forward to a brutal death.
Frankie Boyle: What could be more appropriate for David Attenborough than giving his name to a Polar Research Vessel as they both set out on a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?
Adil Ray: [odd one out round] Big slugs are coming to get us?
Ian Hislop: Is that what happens if you leave the EU?
Adil Ray: Well I'm a Muslim and as a Muslim I speak for all the Muslims that's what we do, there are 1 billion Muslims, I've spoken to them, and they say that "Allahu Akbar" isn't just used for terrorism, but if you're going to do a drill in a shopping centre, it might come up. But hearing it in a shopping centre could just as well mean there's a great sale on at Next...
Frankie Boyle: Someone wrote in to say "If you don't want to scare people you could do a drill with someone saying "I'm just going to blow myself up for a generic terrorist buzz"". Just what we need, postmodern terrorists!
Julia Hartley-Brewer: I mean, no offense here, Frankie, but...
Ian Hislop: Is that the first time anyone's ever said "No offense" to Frankie Boyle?
Frankie Boyle: None taken!
Boris Johnson: [Drunk Bishop of Southwark] He walked into an arch and became what?
Paul Merton: What?
Boris Johnson: An Archbishop!
Paul Merton: [Ian has a sore throat] This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests?
Ian Hislop: I'll say anything.
Paul Merton: Say "Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?"
Ian Hislop: Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?
Clive Anderson: Who brushes moths?
Paul Merton: What do you mean "Who brushes moths?"
Clive Anderson: Well, I'm sure people do brush moths, but I defy you to prove it!
Paul Merton: I AM A BRUSHMOTH-ER! I don't even know how to say it...
Paul Merton: Horse used to make what?
Rich Hall: Horseradish!
Paul Merton: It's a good answer, but it's not right...
Paul Merton: What found in Blackpool?
Rich Hall: Black Water!
Paul Merton: Black Water found in Black Pool! Well done...
Sarah Millican: [Police raid on Parliamentary Office] It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"...
Paul Merton: Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different?
David Mitchell: They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it.
Sarah Millican: You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it.
Andy Hamilton: Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print.
Paul Merton: You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.
Ian Hislop: Those police always have warrants because those are fictional characters. Our police are less well-trained than our actors.
Ian Hislop: [as Bishop of Southwark] You're my besht mate, you are!
Ian Hislop: [Trump] This could be the next President.
David Tennant: I sense that's hard to get out?
Ian Hislop: I nearly said "And he'll meet with Prime Minister Johnson"
Ian Hislop: "to discuss being mad..."
David Tennant: Trump gave a Victory Speech, saying "We're going to win, and we're going to win bigly!"
Jane Moore: [Tony Blair admits to wearing glasses] It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed.
Ian Hislop: Was he at the wrong end?
Jane Moore: Who can say?
Paul Merton: There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.
Angus Deayton: Such as?
Paul Merton: Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a search party for it, but they'd never come back!
Jon Snow: There's a lot of pain in this Country...
Romesh Ranganathan: Do you have any idea how sinister that was?
Phil Hammond: You want to know where the illegal immigrants are? Well, I'll tell you, they're in the NHS! We've got this huge organisation, you can go unnoticed for years! As I was saying to Dr. Bin Laden the other day...
Clive Anderson: What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East?
Paul Merton: Oh! This is the teddy bear.
Clive Anderson: The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes.
Paul Merton: Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not...
Will Self: That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC.
Clive Anderson: So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this...
Paul Merton: Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported.
Chris Addison: British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington
Paul Merton: Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then.
Clive Anderson: No.
Chris Addison: Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich.
Will Self: Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction".
Clive Anderson: Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote?
Ian Hislop: She didn't make any mistakes!
Will Self: Yeah.
Clive Anderson: No.
Ian Hislop: She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!"
Chris Addison: Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot.
Paul Merton: To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages!
Chris Addison: "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!"
Paul Merton: "The Animal Kingdom is ours!"
Ian Hislop: Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi!
Chris Addison: In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare.
Will Self: Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal!
Clive Anderson: British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!
Host: [Missing words] Man who turned his Dead Cat into a Drone... What?
Paul Merton: Seeks similar?
Romesh Ranganathan: There's a lot of pain in this country.
Jon Snow: There is a lot of pain in this country.
Romesh Ranganathan: You're going to keep saying that until it fits perfectly, aren't you?
Henning Wehn: I'm no fan of UKIP, but it's good to see they're implementing Otto Von Bismarck's Policy of isolating Britain from the rest of Europe...
Host: Short sighted baker what?
Guest: Ices his own paunch?
Paul Merton: That's excellent. That's the perfect sentence.
Paul Merton: [Gay Vicar on Panel] Are you sure you're cut out to be a Vicar? You seem to be fighting something...
Guest: They're the UK Independence Party and they've got it, so why are they still around? When they get up in the morning, what have they got on their To Do List, now?
Ian Hislop: To make sure there's no backsliding.
Martin Clunes: And what did the Think Tank Civitas Think in its Think Tank?
Paul Merton: We're going to need a bigger tank?
Ian Hislop: And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!
[Hums "The Imperial March" from Star Wars]
Paul Merton: You're having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture...
Host: When Mr Farage was noticed in the sea, the Beach lost its Blue Flag status.
Ian Hislop: [Stop the War Protest] Have you seen this? I mean, this isn't the Seventies!
Henning Wehn: That's the thing about the Cold War, at least you could get your head around it!
Ian Hislop: It was the Russians... and then everybody else.
Henning Wehn: Yes, that's the way I liked it!
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter: Putin has moved some of his missiles within range of Berlin. That's your mob, isn't it?
Henning Wehn: Bring it on! Come on then, mate! Let's be having you!
Henning Wehn: Boris Johnson is the definition of Death by Misadventure. "Let's see what happens if I say this? Oh, what do you know, World War Three!"
Guest: I don't want to live in a World where I can't trust what's written on the side of a bus.
Ian Hislop: Politicians and jokes, eh? They're good at it sometimes. Not on purpose...
Paul Merton: [Fish accents] I love you but I can't help but feel we shouldn't be together. You swim in deeper waters than I do...
Jennifer Saunders: UKIP has attracted a few Tory defectives. Defectors!
Journalist: What do you think about Mark Reckless joining UKIP?
Random Brit: He's a Flouty Pelmsman!
Paul Merton: [Zoological Missing Words] Smelling of bear?
Germaine Greer: Look how long it is, though!
Paul Merton: Smelling of bear, bear, bear, bear, bear?
Guest: [Lamb Chop in Space] It's something when a Lamb Chop has had a better, more exciting life than you, isn't it?
Jo Brand: What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of all this?
Paul Merton: Every morning I wake up wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks! I have a Tea Towel embroidered! "What does Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he was cultivated in a greenhouse, think about all this?"
Journalist: [2016 US Presidential Election] This is a sad night for the Country. You cannot polish this turd. Technically you cannot polish any turd...
Benedict Cumberbatch: And now it's time for Round Two. The Round of the Baskervilles...
Paul Merton: [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition] I wouldn't like one of them swimmin' up me arse!
Ian Hislop: What did you say? You wouldn't like one of them swimming up your arse?
Paul Merton: I'll say it again: I wouldn't like one of them to swim up my arse.
Journalist: The comedian Bernard Matthews died today, aged...
Chris Addison: [Missing words] Is it "Charles to cement, come in cement"?
Clive Anderson: I think I misheard that!
Chris Addison: It's a walkie-talkie joke!
Jo Brand: This is the American Election as it struggles to an unedifying climax. I've had a few of those.
Paul Merton: Oh, I'm sorry. Were any of them yours?
Jo Brand: Ha!
Jo Brand: Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".
Paul Merton: I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is.
Ian Hislop: It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...
Paul Merton: [Haunted Trousers] I wish I hadn't been so harsh on the goose in red booties! That's the worst piece of film we've been asked to comment on! Are ghosts real or was the window open? What mysterious force moves the washing hung up in the garden?
Angus Deayton: A Minister said the plan had been derailed by "a bolus of wankers".
Ian Hislop: It's good to know what the collective noun is, isn't it?
David Mitchell: That the day should arrive when someone on the telly should imply that the Queen is not immortal!
Ian Hislop: That's a wonderful creation: the legs of a woman and the head of a Dictionary, what more could you want?
David Mitchell: She's a Dog Hypnotist. What will she do for £60?
Paul Merton: Take your poodle back to a previous life?
Andy Hamilton: The guy said the problem was that the computer could not recognise my face... as a face.
Victoria Coren Mitchell: I certainly recognise it as a face!
Andy Hamilton: That's the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me...
David Mitchell: The term "Essex Girl" is now in the Dictionary, defined as "A girl born in Essex who is typically considered as being unintelligent, materialistic, devoid of taste and sexually promiscuous". Why would anyone have a problem with that?
Massive Essex Girl: It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a massive fan of the Dictionary, you know, we should be like promoting the Dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical British thing, isn't it?
Ian Hislop: [has hysterics]
Paul Merton: Every story ever written's in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.
David Mitchell: That's not how it works, it's in the Dictionary because it's a term people use, we can't take the word "poo" out of the Dictionary because people don't like being reminded of poo, and just have words like "flower" and "peacefully".
Politician: And, Conference, we shall show the Electorate that we CAN make Breakfast happen. Brexit!
Journalist: How was the evening with Theresa May?
David Mitchell: The Campaigners say that Essex Girls are Pigeonholed. I've never heard it called that before.
Ian Hislop: [Heathrow Runway] It might just be internal flights after Brexit. No-one's going to want to go anywhere, and they certainly won't be coming here...
Ian Hislop: Why should anyone listen to Gove anymore?
David Mitchell: There's something magnetic about his loathsomeness. He's like the Bond Villain who's about to get dissolved in acid.
American Politician: That is absolutely horseshit!
Ian Hislop: He's used a noun as an adjective! It's either absolute horseshit or absolutely horseshitty.
Paul Merton: There was that film "Godzilla verses Des Lynam". Rargh! And here are the football results... Rargh!
Ian Hislop: They've run the numbers and worked out that losing Scotland would give us a permanent Tory Government. Which is a reason to vote No on Independence...
Jack Dee: Adult Walruses are recognisable by their Walrus Moustaches... and by the fact that they are bloody great Walruses.
Damien Lewis: An Egyptian Mummy with hair extensions has been found. An Egyptian representative asked for comment said "Bird, Bird, Scarab Beetle, Wavy Lines, Man Standing Sideways."
Jo Brand: This is the bleating of bitter Remoaners who won't accept the democratic will of the British people. There, that's the balance taken care of, now let's lay into the bleeding idiots who got us into this mess.
David Mitchell: When the Edstone appeared on the screen, one Labour Press Officer stood up and started screaming. Just screaming.
Ian Hislop: NASA used to have more money than this, sending men into space. Now, it's just a spider. The speeches are worse too: "That's eight small steps for a spider..."
Al Murray: The spider was sent into space to answer schoolchildrens' questions about how spiders spin webs in space. And now it's dead.
Pig 1: Why are we meeting in a Post-Industrial Wasteland?
Pig 2: It's the most romantic area in Yorkshire.
Victoria Coren Mitchell: Did you see Simon Cowell smoking around his pregnant girlfriend? In his car, fagging away...
Ian Hislop: Really? Well I thought he was Eeeevil before...
Ian Hislop: Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square!
Victoria Coren Mitchell: How dare you!
Paul Merton: The Pigeons are flying High above Krakow, tonight! See, the fat lady has ordered dinner, but wants no dessert to follow!
Janet Street-Porter: It's a Hat-Block!
Eddie Izzard: It looked like a Red Martian you have to smooth round before presenting to the Queen. We must smooth you, Red Martian!
Charlie Brooker: This is the story about how The Cookie Monster was wearing a Poppy on The One Show. "LEST WE FORRRRGET! THOSE WHO FELL AT NOM-NOM-NORMANDY!"
Paul Merton: [Flooded-out Celebrities] Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't think of many flood stories.
Ian Hislop: Gilgamesh! It's not often you get a chance to talk about Gilgamesh on the BBC and I'm going to take it!
Random Brit: My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear: Vote UKIP!
Ian Hislop: [Autumn Statement] I don't want to be gloomy, because if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you! They're saying "Cheer up, Hammond! Tell us the weather is going to be lovely!" But it isn't, winter is coming...
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter: Would you like to see Alex Salmond as a Ghost in a Pakistani Soap Opera?
Ian Hislop: Yes!
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter: Not bad. It was through a friend of a friend. And quite a while ago, when he was working for the Royal Banquo of Scotland.
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter: They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he wouldn't be scything topless, he'd need a shirt to protect him from the sun.
Camilla Long: Also, he'd have to be careful in case he gave himself an unintentional Brazilian!
Ian Hislop: An Unintentional Brazilian?
Paul Merton: It's a Graham Greene novel!
Cat in Sunglasses: Ah, Mr Bond! Blofeld can't be here right now, but if you wait a minute...
Ian Hislop: Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen it.
Paul Merton: So, the question should really be "Who is Andrew Marr?"
Ian Hislop: I have seen it, of course, because I have no life.
Camilla Long: I make no secret of Ian and mine's Love.
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter: The scything expert found the continuity errors Harrowing.
Paul Merton: [Sophie Dahl's raunchy Opium Poster] She's trying to get Radio Four.
Clive Anderson: I don't know if you realise this, Piers, but Ian and Paul are the Stars of this show! We're nobodys! They don't care who we are!
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: [Russell Brand] He kept leaning in, didn't he?
Ian Hislop: Yes, and Miliband kept saying "And the answer to that IS Politics!" And at the end of it all Russell turned to camera and said "And what have we learned?" and we thought "Well, you've learned quite a lot!"
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: Have you seen Russell Brands' Big Tap Hose?
Katharine Ryan: Is that a Euphemism? I thought it was great to see the kitchen where a thousand girls have probably made themselves a lonely breakfast and then shown themselves out...
Jacob Rees-Mogg: [Confronted with Bananas, gesticulating] Ugh! Horrible, ugly, smelly fruit!
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: He sort of absolves them, doesn't he?
Daniel Radcliffe: Greece were unable, referring to the Nazi atrocities, to persuade Germany to forgive the hundreds of billions of pounds worth of debt. So they're just going to have to write seven books about a wizard.
Ian Hislop: It's National Poetry Day today, isn't it? Well, not tomorrow when this goes out so that ruins that.
Guest: This isn't Live?
Ian Hislop: It's barely breathing!
Ian Hislop: And it ended up with him and Boris having a fight in a lift.
Guest: Didn't he call him a "Lying Wanker"?
Ian Hislop: I'm afraid it was the F-word.
Guest: A "Flying Wanker"?
Paula Yates: [Heckled for Cosmetic Surgery] Alright! So much for Sisterhood!
Ian Hislop: So much for Sisterhood? Is that what you said to Helena Christianson?
Paula Yates: Oooooh!
Guest: If Boris were a Porn Person they wouldn't let him get away with saying this stuff. But because he's all Posh and Educated...
Ian Hislop: Are we going to have some kind of problem, here...?
Ian Hislop: [Jamie Oliver Paella Scandal] It's Cultural Appropriation! The only thing we're allowed to cook is Fish Fingers! That's Brexit Future!
Ian Hislop: I'm still getting used to the idea that Kanye West is not a Constituency.
Host: Does Nigel Farage command the full support of all his MP?
Ian Hislop: [Douglas Carswell] He used to say he was in the wrong Party, now he IS the Party! It's a massive schism within one man, where he splits himself in half or something.
Ian Hislop: He quoted Kipling. The Poet, not the Cake Maker.
Charlie Brooker: Don't patronise me! Like I'm going to say "I always thought it was pronounced Ker-pling!"
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I think it was Cicero who said "There is nothing so absurd that it cannot be said by some philosopher".
Guest: That is not a real human being! That is Sacha Baron Cohen playing a character!
Paul Merton: [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans] Have you ever eaten anything with your hands, Ian?
Ian Hislop: Yes, I believe I ate... an Apple!
Ross Noble: To be fair, "Hardcore Housewives" could just be about Housewives who like to get a lot done, not just your house but the neighbours' too! "I'm not bringing the kids home until it's clean!"
Ian Hislop: I prefer your World!
Ross Noble: Although you would be disappointed if you got "Hardcore Housewives" and were going through it, saying "Look at all these clean Houses..."
Hal Cruttenden: [Castro assassination attempt] Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed to find?
Ian Hislop: This is turning into a bad episode of Spongebob Squarepants!
Paul Merton: THERE'S NO SUCH THING!
Himself - Guest Presenter: Bees have no sense of their own mortality. I apologise to any bees watching, I know this must come as a bit of a shock.
Himself - Guest Presenter: How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?
Ian Hislop: In Cabinet apparently he blurted out that he was in favour of freedom of movement and an Amnesty for all illegal immigrants who were already here, something he'd said before when he was mayor of London, but then he unsaid it when he decided to support Brexit, and then he obviously forgot when he was in Cabinet that he'd unsaid it, so he said it and now he's unsaid it.
Sandi Toksvig: [Roy Hattersley jogging] Urgh! What a lot of Wobbly bits!
Continuity Announcer: [Winter 2016] And now here's a special Compilation Episode of Have I Got News for You, featuring all the best stories of 2014, back when things made a lot more sense.
Andy Hamilton: It's important research because when the older mice are injected with the younger mice's blood, they act with more cognitive acuity. And this will come in with our treating Alzheimer's. This is a logical extension of everything we've done to the young. We've made it impossible for them to get a job, impossible for them to buy a home, impossible for them to pay for their Education, and now we're going to take their Blood.
Nigel Farage: I bought this wardrobe, I could not get it up the stairs! I could not get it up the stairs, it must have been Romanian, I could not get it up the stairs!
John Cooper Clark: Freezing the moment in 17 syllables is very diffick!
Suzanne Evans: Unlike Man, bees don't walk around the house feeling the radiators, leaving the loo-seat up, fiddling with the hermostat, telling you how to drive your car, mansplaining, bees don't do any of that. Am I close?
Himself - Guest Presenter: There's been a spike as everyone tries to get in before the Brexit shutters come down, so that's your fault, Suzanne.
Ian Hislop: [Castro's regime] These things go off. All sorts of Parties start with good ideas, don't they Suzanne? Then they get a bit of power, but probably not in your case.
Himself - Guest Presenter: Don't drop a Glass at my Party and tell me it's Kristallnacht, Underwear Boy.
Host: This is the furore over Yaya Toure...
Paul Merton: There's a poem there! Let's get a limerick going...
Ian Hislop: There once was a bloke Yaya Toure/ who caused something of a furore/ he wanted a cake/ well what a mistake/ isn't this a boring story?
Ross Noble: This is like a Posh Version of 8 Mile!
Jo Brand: You said that Nigel Farage should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Leader?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, I think there would be Joy in Heaven if that were to happen!
Paul Merton: What about here on Earth?
Mel Giedroyc: [Hanky Loaner] It's Linen!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I have to say, Constituents often cry in my surgeries.
Ian Hislop: I can imagine that, so clearly!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: We know the plan! We are going to leave the EU! Brexit means Brexit!
Paul Merton: That's the Aim! What's the plan?
Paul Merton: [wig, Ian won't join in] It's amazing how many people think they've got Dignity to lose, isn't it?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I may be wrong, I am often wrong.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I'm not wearing a wig because I am a Tory!
Jennifer Saunders: Of Course SpongeBob Squarepants is "Self-Absorbed"! He's a Sponge!
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter: [Occupy Protest] They were asked how long they were going to keep it up, and what did they say in reply?
Paul Merton: Forever! Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us!
Mel Giedroyc: The NHS used to employ One Man who offered up his rectum to students, and now his job has been replaced by a robot.
Adil Ray: Damn robots, coming over here taking our jobs...
Himself - Guest Presenter: And how did the Daily Mail react to the news that a Shanghai University has developed technology that can supposedly tell if someone is innocent or guilty just by analysing their face?
Ian Hislop: By suggesting only 100% of people should be locked up immediately?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: He's a know-nothing blowhard.
Paul Merton: [Robot Launderette] I am a superior intelligence, but steam! I cannot handle this steam!
Mel Giedroyc: You're good at robots, you're enjoying that character, aren't you?
Paul Merton: There's a reason for that.
Paul Merton: [rips off his face to reveal he is an Android]
Ian Hislop: Have you seen the Pig?
Host: The Pig? Have I seen the Pig?
Paul Merton: I said to 'em, I said "I'm not going on if I haven't seen the Pig!"
Ian Hislop: Pic! This is what happens to my diction around proper actors.
Ian Hislop: [Survey] Anyone here working class?
Random Brit: Ra-ther!
Gary Lineker: A bit sexist, isn't it, Handbag?
Nicky Morgan's Handbag: [thinks about it]
Washing Machine: Come on then, come on then, come on then...
Ian Hislop: When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn, you think "This Country IS in a mess..."
Gary Lineker: [Victorian Pasttimes] Kind of like an Ian Hislop Theme Park.
Paul Merton: You must be this tall to ride the Ian Hislop!
Robert Peston: You'll notice some rumbling on the soundtrack there. There's a word for it. Amateurism
Robert Peston: Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership.
Paul Merton: Is this the most powerful program on TV? We haven't even gone out! There's 300 people here, but that's enough!
Paul Merton: "They've shown your clip on Have I Got News for you!"
Robert Peston: I should call him, actually, there's a typo in his resignation statement.
Guest: Does it say why?
Ian Hislop: We know why! Peston just called him an Amateur!
Guest: Aw, sorry Chukka!
Robert Peston: Well. He has just ****** up the rest of the jokes...
Robert Peston: Chukka Ammuna was seen out with his girlfriend, although the day was slightly ruined for her by a bunch of photographers yelling "Chukka! Chukka!"