The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996)
[Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him]
Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Phillip Banks: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him!
Will: I didn't need him then, I won't need him now.
Phillip Banks: Will...
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids!
[long pause; he's crying]
Will: How come he don't want me, man?
[the theme song]
Will: [singing] Now this is a story all about how / my life got twisted, turned upside down, / and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, / I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town called Bel-Air... / In West Philadelphia, born and raised / on the playground where I spent most of my days / Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool / and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school / when a couple of guys, they were up to no good / started making trouble in my neighbourhood / I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared / and said "You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air!" / I whistled for a cab, and when it came near / the license plate said "Fresh" and had a dice in the mirror / If anything, I could say that this cab was rare / But I thought: "Nah, forget it. Yo homes, to Bel-air!" / I pulled up to a house about seven or eight / and I yelled to the cabby "Yo homes, smell you later!" / Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there / to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air!
[Trying to hit on a girl]
Will: Hey baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too.
Will: Oh my God, Carlton! What's that hideous thing growing out of your neck?
Carlton: Where? Where?
Will: Ah, never mind. It's just your head.
Will: Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Hey, you wanna go to the club with us tonight?
Carlton: I don't have a date.
Will: Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet.
Carlton Banks: The police were doing their job. We were detained a couple hours, and dad came and got us out. The system worked.
Will: I hope you like that system, because you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it in your life.
Carlton Banks: Not if I bring a map.
Will: Man, you don't get it, do you? A map is not gonna help you. Neither is your Glee Club, or your fancy Bel-Air address, or who your daddy is. They don't care about any of that. They only see one thing.
Will: Man, I love Halloween! It's the only time of year when a black man can wear a mask at night and not get arrested!
Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?
Phillip Banks: *We* eat here later, *you* eat here never.
Jazz: [looking Phillip up and down] Looks like *you* eat here *often*.
Will: [to Carlton] Could you drop me off at the beach? No, scratch that. Drop me off a couple of blocks from the beach. The honeys will get nervous if they see me with a midget.
Will: My horoscope says that I'm gonna be a famous rapper with a TV show.
Hilary Banks: Those things are stupid. What does mine say?
Will: Yours says "Be prepared for a fall. Remember, accidents may happen."
Hilary Banks: Those things are stupid.
Hilary Banks: [screaming and crashing]
Will: I wonder what I'll name my TV show.
Girl: Excuse me, what's a nine-letter word for "Terrific?"
Will: That's easy: "Will Smith."
Geoffrey: I'm too ashamed to talk about it, it's better if I show you...
[puts in tape]
Geoffrey: [Will jumps up, excited]
Will: You did a porno movie?
Will: Am I alone in this, or did y'all know he was white? I mean - tall.
[Hilary and Trevor first meet]
Hilary: I know.
Trevor: Hi, I'm Trevor Collins, and these are my real teeth.
Trevor: I know.
[Hilary is begging Geoffrey to come and work for her after she has moved out]
Hilary: I'm a career woman. I don't have time to dust and push around that... oh, what do you call that big, loud thing that sucks up everything?
Geoffrey: You call him Daddy.
Phillip Banks: Will, going to college isn't just about finding a job. It's about finding yourself, and finding what you do best that makes a contribution to the community. It shouldn't be just about money.
Will: You really believe that, Uncle Phil?
Phillip Banks: Yes, son, I really do.
Will: Then how do you explain becoming a lawyer?
Hilary Banks: You were right, Will. Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked, and I guess I just got scared. I guess I had to find something wrong with him.
Will: And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with?
Hilary Banks: Well, you know I never had a good imagination. I never even had imaginary friends when I was a kid. I used to play with Carlton's. God, they were such dweebs.
Will: Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet.
Ashley Banks: [smiling] No, what?
Will: [Uncle Phil stares angrily at Will] T-they say, "Damn, those are some big feet"!
Hilary: What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?
Will: Girl, if God created anything less beautiful than you, I hope He kept it for Himself.
[Will, wearing a fat suit, is spying on Lisa]
Lisa: Will? Is that you?
Will: Well it ain't Fat Albert.
Frank: [Vy is sad she doesn't have a boyfriend]
[Frank is white]
Frank: Oh, Vy, I have a single brother. Well, actually he's not a brother. Well, he is a brother because he's my brother. But he's just not your kind of brother. Oh, brother.
Will: Hey Hil', what's so funny?
Hilary: Oh, Carlton just told a joke.
Will: No, Hilary, Carlton is a joke.
Will: [Hilary is showing a very skimpy bottom-only bathing suit she just bought for Arnold Schwarzenegger's pool party] Oh darn, Now Arnold will have to return his!
Vivian Banks: I like it Hilary!
Philip Banks: I agree, it's a very nice hat.
Vivian Banks: It's Hilary's new bathing suit.
Philip Banks: When fish ride bicycles!
[theme song - new verses]
Will: I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared / and said "You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air!" / I begged and pleaded with her day after day / but she packed my suitcase and send me on my way / She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket / I put my Walkman on and said, "I might as well kick it!" / First class, yo this is bad / Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass / Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? / Hmmmmm, this might be alright...
Vivian: Our family had its share of surprises. You remember the time Uncle Reuben came out the closet?
Helen: How can I forget? He was wearing my purple suit.
Hilary: Maybe I sometimes say things that are selfish and self-centered, but that's who I am, dammit.
Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, please, I'm still exhausted from last night.
Hilary: Last night? Please. All I asked you to do was a little yard work.
Geoffrey: I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.
Hilary: You are so lazy.
Phillip Banks: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Phillip Banks: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!
Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
Phillip Banks: Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay?
Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Phillip Banks: Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!
Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your moma!
Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it Uncle Phil, your grounded!
[to Dr. Hoover]
Will: You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that.
Carlton: You're the man, Will. You're the man. I'm just the man behind the man.
Will: Uh, what're you doin' back there?
Will: I'm going to the-to the library.
Vy: Aren't you a little overdressed?
Will: I was going to drop by and check on the, the thing.
Vy: You mean the wedding?
Will: Yo, Judge, Judge, check it, Judge. I was umm... working if you could help a brother out... ummm... he's got like two grand worth of parking tickets, ummm...
[Will sees Phil glaring at him]
Will: I-I thought he was selling condoms.
Philip Banks: When the press hears about this they're going to have a field day.
Judge Robertson: Oh, I hope so. This is just the beginning. You know, I was looking through your police file, and bingo! Up pops your nephew. Parking tickets up the ying-yang. So I busted his bony butt. Pretty good, eh?
Philip Banks: Excuse me?
Judge Robertson: Oh wake up, knucklehead. You're in the big leagues now. I may be old, I may be senile, and I haven't been able to find my car for the past half hour, but I can beat you in a political campaign any day. You're dead meat, "Tiny".
Will: Girl, you look so good, I would marry your brother just to get in your family.
Hilary: Face it, you're a taker.
Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'
Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'
Carlton: That's called prudent planning.
Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.
[Vivian isn't doing any work because she's pregnant]
Vivian: I'm as big as a house. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat pie.
Phillip Banks: Well, Vivian, so do I, but I still get things done!
Geoffrey: [being confronted about his frequent sarcastic comments] Sarcasm? Whatever do you mean?
Hilary: Geoffrey, what do you know about wine?
Geoffrey: I know no-one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.
Geoffrey: I found that any game can be made interesting if you put some money on it.
Carlton: [the very last lines of the series]
[Will sadly walks through the empty Banks' living room one last time; he makes his way towards the kitchen and turns off the lights. Carlton is still upstairs using the bathroom]
Carlton: HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
[Carlton runs down the stairs pulling his pants up]
Carlton: WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
Will: [Will stops as he watches Carlton run out the back door] I am definitely gonna miss you, C!
Phillip Banks: Penn State would've been my first choice if my applications to Princeton, Yale, and Talledega Tech had fallen through.
Dr. Hoover: You must have been an athlete in your thinner days.
Will: Carlton, I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth.
Will: [to Phillip] Hey, hey, hey man. Man, have I told you how thin you're lookin' lately?
Phillip Banks: Carlton, you are grounded for a month. Will, added to the month that you already have, it should take you into Fiscal '91.
Will: That's right. You'd best to press on before you get straight molly-wopped up in here.
Carlton: I guess it's ok to share my will.
Uncle Phil: Carlton, I'm not dead yet.
Carlton: It's a cruel world big guy and you can't be in it forever.
Will: [very first lines of the show]
[opens the front door and hugs Geoffrey]
Will: Uncle Phil! Man! How are you doing?
Geoffrey: I am not your uncle Philip...
Will: My fault, man! I must have got the wrong crib. I didn't know there were so many brothers living in this neighborhood! We're doing all right, huh?
Geoffrey: You have the right house. I am Geoffrey, your uncle's butler.
Will: Okay. Well, I-
Will: "Cheerio" and all that rot!
Vivian Banks: [stressed out from being pregnant] I can't do this anymore.
Will: Look, me neither! I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house!
Geoffrey: I'm sorry! I thought you were all asleep!
Will: Not you, G...
Geoffrey: Oh, never mind!
Vivian Banks: Look, now, everybody calm down. False alarms happen all the time.
Will: But Uncle Phil was *naked* Aunt Viv!
Phillip Banks: [annoyed] Shut up, Will!
Phillip Banks: As my father used to say, it's better to give than to receive.
Will: Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem, didn't he?
Carlton: If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it?
Will: Your prom date?
Hilary: I mean, we must all do our parts to protect the environment. Every time we cut down a tree, it just takes us one step closer to global warming. And we must do it not just for ourselves or our children, but for all of humanity.
Margaret Furth: Why, I never knew it was such a problem. I think it's great that you have the courage to want to do something about it.
Hilary: Thanks. It's my passion.
Margaret Furth: Where should I make a donation?
Hilary: I don't know.
Will: Carlton, you'll never guess what happened!
Carlton: well there's no since in me playing is there!
Will: Ain't nobody gonna make me forget about my fiancÈe. I love... Lucy.
[a pretty girl walks into the room]
Will: Ooh, special bulletin. Hormones to Will, hormones to Will.
Carlton: Whoa, hold on mister, you're all over the map!
Will: [rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.
Philip Banks: What is it?
Will: [nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.
Philip Banks: [shocked] What?
Will: [stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...
Philip Banks: How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!
Will: [stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them!
Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...
Philip Banks: [angrily cuts him off] Sorry?
[he walks up to Will]
Philip Banks: My son could have died because of you!
Will: Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...
Philip Banks: Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!
Will: [about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
Phillip Banks: Hold on just a minute, son. We promised your mother that you're here to work hard, straighten out and learn some good old-fashioned American values...
Hilary: [walks in] Dad, I need $300!
Geoffrey: [handing Carlton a big brown bag] Master Carlton, I have to take this tray up to your mother, so on your way out, would you mind taking out the garbage?
Carlton: Do I look like Roc?
Will: [sitting at the kitchen table] I don't know, Carlton. Maybe if you shaved your head bald and sanded down the square part.
Carlton: [ignores Will and hands Ashley the bag] Ashley, you take out the garbage!
Ashley Banks: Why me?
Carlton: Because I'm bigger than you.
Will: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.
Carlton: They're not lifts. I doubled up on my Odor-Eaters.
Ashley Banks: [Carlton walks out of the kitchen while Ashley is holding the trash bag; Hilary walks into the kitchen and Ashley hands her the bag] Here, Hilary, you take it out!
Hilary: Out where?
Ashley Banks: To the trash cans! You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car?
Hilary: Oh, thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids!
[Hilary takes the brown garbage bag from Ashley]
Hilary: THIS IS GROSS! I don't touch greasy, disgusting things!
Will: Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
Hilary: [Hilary walks up to Will and shoves the trash bag to him] You take it!
Will: Yo, girl!
Hilary: And for your information, dinner comes first!
[Hilary walks out of the kitchen]
Will: Oh, it's like that, right? You're just gonna slam garbage at me!
[Uncle Phil walks in the room]
Phillip Banks: Good morning, Will.
Will: Good morning, Uncle Phil.
[Will hands Phil the dirty garbage bag]
Will: Here's your lunch!
Phillip Banks: [Phil takes the bag and walk out of the house] Thank you!
Jazz: Between you and the humpty dance, I'll have to get a metal plate on my butt.
Ashley Banks: [after being caught lying to her family] All I want is for you to trust me!
Vivian: Trust is a very fragile thing...
Vivian: And you're gonna have to start earning it all back.
Will: Now, come on, the only way that my plan is gonna work is if you follow my instructions to the letter!
Carlton: Great! What are the instructions?
Will: "Shut The Hell Up!"
Will: Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.
Vivian Banks: Good!
Will: And guess what's in here?
[holds up a small case wallet]
Carlton: It's round, it's rubber and you'll never use it!
Carlton: [after being scolded by Will for being selfish] You know what your problem is?
Will: No, I don't...
Carlton: You're a slacker. You say you want things but you're never willing to work for it! You never make the sacrifice. You think you're just gonna charm your way through; just like your father!
Will: [pause] Let me tell you something. I am *nothing* like my father, all right?
Phillip Banks: [about Will] Did you see the way he was dressed?
Vivian Banks: What's wrong with it?
Phillip Banks: You hear that language?
Vivian Banks: We used slang when we were kids! Do you remember our first date? You took one look at me and said, "That is a *bad* dress!" You could've just said it was a good dress.
Phillip Banks: I could have, if I liked it. Actually, it *was* a *bad* dress!
Judge Carl Robertson: That was fun. There goes Philip Banks, the biggest sap that ever lived! What a stooge.
Will: Excuse me?
Judge Carl Robertson: He's a sap, a dope, a loser! He never had what it takes and he never will!
Will: Isn't that right? I think you should take that back, man!
Judge Carl Robertson: You do?
Will: Yeah, I do!
Judge Carl Robertson: Well, I think you should run along and play. And don't get involved in politics until you're a big boy!
Will: At least my uncle stands for something!
Judge Carl Robertson: Really? And what would that be? A buffet?
Will: My uncle fights for what he believes in...
Judge Carl Robertson: Shame on me.
Will: My uncle's three times the man you will ever be!
Judge Carl Robertson: [scoffs] He's got my vote!
Will: And another thing: Everything you said in your campaign was a lie! You have no integrity, no decency, and you're really, really short! And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead!
[Judge Robertson suddenly gasps and drops down to the floor dead]
Carlton: You see, what Will is trying to say is, and let me choose my words carefully...
Carlton: You guys are stupid!
Will: Look, that is *not* what I'm trying to say!
[to Jazz and Ty]
Will: Look, it's like this, y'all. It's like, with Carlton-
Will: Carlton, who is Captain Kangaroo's friend?
Carlton: Mr. Green Jeans...
Will: How many players on a cricket team?
Will: Letters not on a phone dial?
Carlton: "Q" and "Z"...
Will: Best Picture, 1936?
Carlton: The Great Ziegfeld...
Will: The third wife of Julius Caesar?
Will: [turns back to Jazz and Ty] You see?
Tyriq: [after a long pause] Yeah, I see. You think we're stupid!
Jazz: [sarcastically towards Will] Well, I guess I better be going but I guess I'm too *stupid* to find the door!
Will: [when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!
Carlton: [while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my...
[Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]
Carlton's Date: [screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!
Will: [Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...
Will: [to Carlton as he's waking up at the hospital after overdosing from drugs] Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful!
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news...
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned!
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact...
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: [about the drugs] It was Speed...
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict *and* a virgin!
Will: Shut up! Shut up, shut up. Now be quiet!