Quotes
Richard Parker: Well, you're a half hour late.
Larry Wilson: Only half hour? I'm usually forty-five minutes late. I'm early today.
Share thisRichard Parker: This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."
Larry Wilson: What?
Richard Parker: That's what it says.
Larry Wilson: "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!
Richard Parker: Oh God.
Larry Wilson: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?
Richard Parker: It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.
Larry Wilson: Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!
Richard Parker: For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?
Larry Wilson: Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!
Share thisLarry Wilson: This is good for me.
Share thisLarry Wilson: [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie] Company...
Richard Parker: I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
Larry Wilson: [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!
Richard Parker: [Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry and pulls the trigger - but the chamber is empty] It's not loaded.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: That's right.
[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: But this ain't!
Share thisGwen Saunders: [whispering] Richard! Richard, there's a man... in his underwear... in your kitchen.
Richard Parker: [whispering] It's ok. He's with me. He's my, um... my butler.
Gwen Saunders: You have a butler?
Richard Parker: Yeah, it's okay, shh... he'll go away.
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: [walks back from the kitchen, spots Richard and Gwen on the couch] Oh. Oh! I didn't realize you had company. Good evening, young lady.
Richard Parker: That's all right, Monroe. Yes, would you just go lay out my blue pinstripe for the morning?
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: How about if I lay you out?
Richard Parker: Very well.
Share thisLarry Wilson: [holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!
Share thisLarry Wilson: I have an idea!
Richard Parker: [shouting] What? What is it?
Larry Wilson: Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us while he's around.
Richard Parker: Yes, but Bernie's dead. He's not around anymore.
Larry Wilson: Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.
Share thisRichard Parker: [at Bernie's beach house] Now you see, Larry? All of this could be yours if you set your goals and work hard.
Larry Wilson: My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work.
Share thisMugger: Give me all your money and your wallets.
Larry Wilson: Aw, get your ass outta here, it's too hot!
Share thisLarry Wilson: What kind of a host invites you to his house for the weekend and dies on you?
Share thisLarry Wilson: Why don't we just pretend he didn't die? Just for a bit!
Share thisSecurity Officer: Hot enough for ya, Larry?
Larry Wilson: No, Harris! Why don't you turn up the heat?
Security Officer: OK, I'll tell the engineer.
Share thisLarry Wilson: We could call the cops, Richard, but you know where we'd be spending our weekend. In some... goddamned hot police station answering questions we don't know the answers to.
Share thisLarry Wilson: How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive.
Share thisLarry Wilson: God, that guy; beautiful apartment, house at the beach, babes, boat, car. Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month? More than my rent.
Richard Parker: Well, I mean it's only fair. His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.
Share thisLarry Wilson: You're gonna need my apartment.
Richard Parker: Oh no, I couldn't do that to you.
Larry Wilson: Rich, if she finds out you live with your parents you're gonna embarras yourself.
Richard Parker: Yeah I know. But still, I just... couldn't.
Larry Wilson: It's the coackroaches isn't it?
Richard Parker: Well...
Larry Wilson: They scatter when the light goes on.
Share thisLarry Wilson: "A little brown-nosing, a little ass-kissing, work our way up that corporate ladder?" WHY can't you be a lazy shit like I am?
Share thisLarry Wilson: Why are you shooting us? We're just friends of Bernie's.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: I hate... Bernie's friends!
[keeps shooting]
Share this[Richard and Larry are trying to back Bernie's speedboat out of it's dock space and crash into several other boats]
Man at the Marina: That's illegal! What you're doing is illegal!
Share thisLarry Wilson: [as Richard and Larry are trying to get away in Bernie's boat, Bernie's body falls into the water] Man overboard!
Share thisRichard Parker: Bernie is waiting for us!
Larry Wilson: Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere!
Share thisLarry Wilson: [after Bernie's body flies over the balcony, looking like a high diver] I give it an 8.3!
Share thisTawny: [Richard and Larry are in Bernie's living room discussing what they should do about the body. A buxomy blonde enters from the patio wearing a thong bikini and sunglasses] Hi, guys! I'm Tawny! Bernie said I could borrow his boat for the day; I've come to get the keys.
Larry Wilson: Hi Tawny! I'm horny!
Share thisGwen Saunders: Richard, just tell me what is going on!
Larry Wilson: [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg] Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?
[throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase]
Larry Wilson: .
Gwen Saunders: [eyes as big as golf balls]
Larry Wilson: [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!
[bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing]
Gwen Saunders: [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal] Aaaaah! Aaaah!
Richard Parker: Gwen, we didn't do this to him!
[Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away]
Richard Parker: Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?
Larry Wilson: [handing Gwen a drink] Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!
Richard Parker: Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?
Share this