[
Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug:
Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck:
Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh
Bug:
I don't get it.
Buck:
You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost:
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.
[
Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles:
That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season!
Maisey Russell:
I'll bet she's getting the tongue!
Miles:
Where do you live?
Buck:
In the city.
Miles:
You have a house?
Buck:
Apartment.
Miles:
Own or rent?
Buck:
Rent.
Miles:
What do you do for a living?
Buck:
Lots of things.
Miles:
Where's your office?
Buck:
I don't have one.
Miles:
How come?
Buck:
I don't need one.
Miles:
Where's your wife?
Buck:
Don't have one.
Miles:
How come?
Buck:
It's a long story.
Miles:
You have kids?
Buck:
No I don't.
Miles:
How come?
Buck:
It's an even longer story.
Miles:
Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck:
What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles:
38.
Buck:
I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles:
You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck:
How nice of you to notice.
Miles:
I'm a kid - that's my job.
[
Miles is gawking at his birthday breakfast]
Buck Russell:
You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.
Buck Russell:
[
inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?
Bob Russell:
Hard to say.
Buck Russell:
Oh, those medical terms eh?
Buck Russell:
I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!
[
of Anita's mole]
Buck Russell:
Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
Buck:
What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.
Pooter-the-Clown:
What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?
Buck:
No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?
Pooter-the-Clown:
I don't have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!
Buck:
Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Pooter-the-Clown:
Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life-lying-four-flushing-sack-of-shit...
[
Buck punches him, gets back up like an inflatable clown, Pooter groans, Buck punches him again]
Buck:
Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia:
What are you doing here?
Buck:
We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia:
I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck:
Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug:
It's an ax?
Buck:
Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug:
I'll pass.
Buck:
Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when your going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[
walks away]
Tia:
I'm sorry.
Bug:
Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia:
He's all talk.
[
Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck:
Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.
Tia:
Uncle Buck?
Buck:
Yeah?
Tia:
Got a minute?
Buck:
I got lots of minutes.
Tia:
Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.
Buck:
You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.
Tia:
You just can't find any way to be cool can you?
Buck:
You mean easy? No.
Tia:
I mean decent!
Buck:
You mean blind!
Tia:
Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up Shit Creek and got stuck!
Buck:
Get used on your parents' time.
Buck:
What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia:
Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends
Buck:
No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia:
Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck:
Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia:
Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck:
Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
Buck Russell:
Do you think she hates me?
Maisy Russell:
With a passion.
Buck Russell:
Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maisy Russell:
No.
Buck Russell:
No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.
Miles:
Waiting for your sex?
Tia:
Shut up!
Buck:
The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia:
Really?
Buck:
You bet.
Tia:
And how would you know?
Buck:
When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia:
I recommend you stay out of my personal life!
Buck:
Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia:
They don't know my personal life.
Buck:
Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia:
His name is Bug.
Buck:
[
chuckles] First or last?
Tia:
First!
Buck:
What's his last name, Spray?
Tia:
You should talk, Buck!
[
at a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a big unsightly growth on her face]
Anita:
I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell:
[
Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!
Buck:
Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.
Tia Russell:
Are you crazy?
Buck Russell:
I can be.
Tia Russell:
You could have taken his head off!
Buck Russell:
Yeah, but would he notice?
Maisy's Teacher:
Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[
Maisy raises her hand]
Maisy's Teacher:
Maisy?
Maisy Russell:
My Uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy's Teacher:
Honest?
Maisy Russell:
Mm-Hmm.
Maisy's Teacher:
Why was your Uncle micro waving your socks?
Maisy Russell:
He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maisy's Teacher:
BLASPHEMER!
Buck:
Did you brush your teeth?
Miles:
Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck:
You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[
Miles imagines hearing sirens, Buck leaves]
Maisy Russell:
If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.
Buck:
[
is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him] We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia:
Try me.
Buck:
How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
Maisey Russell:
I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles Russell:
[
Off-screen] Shut up!
Maisey Russell:
Shut up, yourself!
Tia Russell:
We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
Tia Russell:
If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.
Tia:
Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
Maisy Russell:
They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia:
And rent-a-foot disease!
Buck:
[
struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
[
Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Buck:
I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
Chanice Kobolowski:
Dimples!
Buck:
What do we call them? One... one was on the right, 'was Lyndon and left was...
Chanice Kobolowski:
It's Johnson.
Buck:
Johnson.
[
Chanice laughs]
Buck:
And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...
[
cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]
Buck:
Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell:
Oh, good.
Buck:
Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.
Tia Russell:
[
eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How DO you find the time?
Cindy Russell:
When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia Russell:
So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell:
I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia Russell:
Oh really?
Cindy Russell:
Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.
Buck Russell:
[
On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy.
Mr. Hatfield:
For crying out loud! It's two a.m.!
Bob Russell:
Sorry Mr. Hatfield!
Miles:
Holy smokes!
[
turns to Tia and whispers]
Miles:
He's cooking our garbage!
Buck:
You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.
Tia:
[
crying] I'm sorry.
Buck:
Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.
Miles:
You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights.
Tia:
Maisey, do I kick you around?
Maisey Russell:
No, but you said 'shit' twice, only once that counts though.
Buck Russell:
How many times a day does the dog eat?
Cindy Russell:
How many times do you think?
Buck Russell:
I don't know, four or five.
Cindy Russell:
He eats once a day.
Tia:
Let the dog out.
Maisey Russell:
Parcey!
[
dog emerges from the dryer]
Tia Russell:
Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?
Miles:
Who's gonna take care of us?
Cindy Russell:
Mr. and Mrs. Neville.
Miles:
Is that a joke?
Cindy Russell:
You don't like the Nevilles?
Miles:
Their dog's a ball-sniffer.
Cindy Russell:
Don't talk like that!
Miles:
Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.
Cindy Russell:
Don't use that word.
Miles:
I don't know another word.
Cindy Russell:
Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.
Buck:
[
into the phone] Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house... about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.
Bob Russell:
What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be happy to watch the kids.
Cindy Russell:
This is no time to discuss your brother. I don't want him here.
Bob Russell:
It's just a thought.
Cindy Russell:
He isn't married. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't even work!
Bob Russell:
He's a little out there. But he's responsible, and he's family.
Buck:
[
struggles to pick a hissing, fighting cat up out of the bushes] Come on...
[
takes it into the house]
Buck:
Hey who left the cat out?
Maisey Russell:
We don't have a cat.
Buck:
[
takes the cat back out] Shoo.
Buck Russell:
[
dancing to Young MC's "Bust a Move"] Hey, nice music! Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music!
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