Quotes

Clairee: I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.

Truvy: Yeah, how did that go?

Clairee: Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.

Truvy: Was she hurt?

Clairee: I doubt it. She got hit in the head.

Truvy: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.

[Referring to her daughter's many pink wedding decorations]

M'Lynn: That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.

Truvy: I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.

Clairee: She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.

Truvy: Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.

Clairee Belcher: [quoting her gay nephew] All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

Drum: Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?

[Ouiser slices him the tail piece of an armadillo cake]

Drum: Aww, thanks Ouiser. Nothin' like a good piece of ass.

Nancy Beth Marmillion: That Jackson is one big hangin' man!

Shelby: [annoyed] Yes, I know.

Shelby: I am going to be very, very careful, nobody is going to be hurt or disappointed or even inconvenienced.

M'Lynn: Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.

Shelby: You're jealous, because you no longer have a say so in what I do and that drives you up the wall. You're ready to spit nails because you can't call the shots.

M'Lynn: I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this.

Shelby: Yes, you did.

M'Lynn: Oh no, I didn't.

Shelby: Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted for us when we grew up what did you say?

M'Lynn: Shelby, I'm not in the mood to play games.

Shelby: Just tell me what you said, Mama, what did you say?

M'Lynn: The only thing I have ever said to you, ever, is that I want you to be happy.

Shelby: Okay, the one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one I would, but I can't. I'm going to have a baby, and I wish you'd be happy too.

M'Lynn: I'll tell you what I wish. Well, I don't know what I wish.

Shelby: Mama, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult. I look at having a baby as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure there may be risk involved, but that's true for anybody. But you get through it and life goes on. And when it's all said and done there will be a little piece of immortality with Jackson's good looks and my sense of style, I hope. Please, please I need your support. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.

[about the new mayor's wife dancing]

Clairee Belcher: Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.

Shelby: Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.

Shelby: Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.

Truvy: I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.

Clairee Belcher: Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!

Clairee Belcher: They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.

Ouiser Boudreaux: The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.

Truvy: Oh sweetheart don't. Please don't cry or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.

Ouiser Boudreaux: You are a pig from hell.

Ouiser Boudreaux: You are too twisted for color TV!

Clairee Belcher: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Ouiser Boudreaux: My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?

Ouiser Boudreaux: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.

Annelle: I suspected this all along!

Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!

Annelle: Not on your first visit!

Clairee Belcher: Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!

Truvy: Smile! It increases your face value.

Clairee Belcher: Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.

Ouiser Boudreaux: You are evil, and you must be destroyed.

Clairee Belcher: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.

Truvy: Oh, honey, God don't care which church you go, long as you show up!

Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!

Clairee Belcher: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.

Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

Truvy: You are playin' hard to get!

Clairee Belcher: At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock.

Clairee: Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?

Clairee: And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...

Ouiser Boudreaux: There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!

Truvy: Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them sice I was 14.

Clairee: You were brought up right.

M'Lynn: Shelby, the boys bought the car around.

Shelby: What did they do to it?

M'Lynn: Well, let me put it this way... If you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you're all set!

Tommy Eatenton: [at same time as his brother] Hello Miz Ouiser

Jonathan Eatenton: Hello Miz Ouiser.

Ouiser Boudreaux: [Makes a face] Ugh! Leave me alone!

Annelle: [stands up after praying] Amen.

M'Lynn: [looking confused at Truvy] Was she just praying?

Truvy: [rolling eyes, frustrated] Yes.

M'Lynn: Why?

Truvy: Maybe she's praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle. Maybe she's praying for us because we're gossiping. Maybe she's praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! Who knows! She prays a the drop of a hat these days.

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

[screaming]

M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!

[in a firm tone]

M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!

[continues sobbing]

Clairee: Here!

[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]

Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?

Clairee: Hit her!

Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?

Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?

Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!

Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!

Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!

Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

Annelle: Does your dress have to go over your head?

M'Lynn: No

Annelle: OH! Thank God!

Truvy: What are your colors, Shelby?

Shelby: My colors are "blush" and "bashful."

M'Lynn: Her colors are "pink" and pink."

Shelby: My colors are "blush" and "bashful" Mama!

M'Lynn: How precious is this weddin' gonna get, I ask you?

Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one!

Shelby: Remember what Daddy always says - an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure!

M'Lynn: [looking at herself in Truvy's compact mirror] Oh my God Shelby was right, my hair *does* look like a brown football helmet!

[continues sobbing]

M'Lynn: [after Ouiser drinks a soda and belches] Oh, now, that's attractive, Ouiser.

Drum: Oh, Ouiser... I don't wanna have to kill you!

Shelby: Was she prayin?

Truvy: Yes.

Shelby: Why.

Truvy: Got me, maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Bell. My she was praying for us cause we was gossipin. Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose. Who knows she prays at the drop of a hat these days.

Ouiser Boudreaux: I should have never said that in front of Shelby.

Clairee: Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.

Clairee: [after Shelby said she almost called off the wedding] Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.