Clairee: I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.
Truvy: Yeah, how did that go?
Clairee: Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.
Truvy: Was she hurt?
Clairee: I doubt it. She got hit in the head.
Truvy: In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.
Truvy: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.
Shelby: Pink is my signature color.
[Referring to her daughter's many pink wedding decorations]
M'Lynn: That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I am just about at the end of my rope with you.
Drum: Well, then why don't you tie a noose and slip it 'round your head?
Truvy: I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.
Clairee: She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.
Truvy: Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.
Clairee Belcher: [quoting her gay nephew] All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.
Ouiser Boudreaux: This is it, I've found it, I'm in hell.
Drum: Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?
[Ouiser slices him the tail piece of an armadillo cake]
Drum: Aww, thanks Ouiser. Nothin' like a good piece of ass.
Annelle: Sammy Wayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?
Annelle: I don't care what you do with your refrigerator, but you will not keep liquor in mine.
[dumps the beer out in the yard]
Sammy: Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sake!
Annelle: Who? Who did you say?
Sammy: Christ, Christ, Christ!
Annelle: Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you're taking in vain?
Sammy: That's the one.
Annelle: Well, I'm sorry, Sammy. But I am not about to spend the next fifty years of my life with someone I'm not gonna run into in the hereafter.
Sammy: Oh, Annelle, goddammit!
Annelle: I think we should pray.
Sammy: Oh, I'd rather eat dirt!
M'Lynn: We have this new psychiatrist that comes in two days a week and of course I pick her name out of the grab bag, I have to pick something up for her tomorrow. Would you put that on the list, I have no idea what to get your father. What's Jackson giving you, do you know?
M'Lynn: Furniture, well, my. Must be nice to be married to a rich lawyer. What's it for, the living room?
Shelby: No, for the nursery.
[seeing M'Lynn's stricken look]
Shelby: We wanted to tell you when you and daddy were together, but you're never together so it's every man for himself. I'm pregnant.
M'Lynn: I realize that.
Shelby: Well is that it? Is that all you're gonna say?
M'Lynn: What do you want me to say?
Shelby: Well, something along the lines of congratulations.
Shelby: Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement, not too much I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything. It's in July. Oh Mama, you have to help me plan. We're gonna get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting next week. Jackson loves to hunt for anything.
M'Lynn: What does Jackson say about all of this?
Shelby: He's so excited. He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl, but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it. He's really cute about the whole thing. It's all he can talk about: Jackson Latree, Jr.
M'Lynn: Does he ever? Listen, I mean when doctors and specialists give you advice. Does he listen? I know you never do, does he? Huh? What? Well, I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby it really isn't any of his concern.
Shelby: Mama, I want a child.
M'Lynn: What about adoption? You've filled out all the applications.
Shelby: Mama, no judge is gonna give a baby to someone with my medical records. Jackson even put out feelers about buying one.
M'Lynn: People do it all the time.
Shelby: Listen to me. I want a child of my own. I think it would help things a lot.
M'Lynn: I see.
Shelby: Mama, you worry too much. In fact I never worry 'cause I always know you're worried enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.
M'Lynn: Has he really? Well, there's a first time for everything.
Shelby: Don't start on Jackson.
M'Lynn: Your poor body has been through so much. Why would you deliberately do this to yourself?
Shelby: Diabetics have healthy babies all the time.
M'Lynn: You are special Shelby. There are limits to what you can do.
Shelby: I am going to be very, very careful, nobody is going to be hurt or disappointed or even inconvenienced.
M'Lynn: Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.
Shelby: You're jealous, because you no longer have a say so in what I do and that drives you up the wall. You're ready to spit nails because you can't call the shots.
M'Lynn: I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this.
Shelby: Yes, you did.
M'Lynn: Oh no, I didn't.
Shelby: Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted for us when we grew up what did you say?
M'Lynn: Shelby, I'm not in the mood to play games.
Shelby: Just tell me what you said, Mama, what did you say?
M'Lynn: The only thing I have ever said to you, ever, is that I want you to be happy.
Shelby: Okay, the one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one I would, but I can't. I'm going to have a baby, and I wish you'd be happy too.
M'Lynn: I'll tell you what I wish. Well, I don't know what I wish.
Shelby: Mama, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult. I look at having a baby as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure there may be risk involved, but that's true for anybody. But you get through it and life goes on. And when it's all said and done there will be a little piece of immortality with Jackson's good looks and my sense of style, I hope. Please, please I need your support. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Ouiser Boudreaux: [after knocking Clairee off the bench and pulling some of her hair] Get your roots done!
[about the new mayor's wife dancing]
Clairee Belcher: Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.
Truvy: When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.
Shelby: Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.
Annelle: Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.
Shelby: Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.
Truvy: I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.
Truvy: There's so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money.
Clairee Belcher: Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!
Truvy: I'm just screamin' at my husband; I can do that any time!
Clairee Belcher: They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.
Truvy: Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
Ouiser Boudreaux: The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
Truvy: Oh sweetheart don't. Please don't cry or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.
Clairee Belcher: I love ya more than my luggage.
Ouiser Boudreaux: You are a pig from hell.
Annelle: [quietly] That wasn't a very Christian thing to do.
Clairee: Oh Annelle, you gotta lighten up.
Ouiser Boudreaux: You are too twisted for color TV!
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!
Clairee Belcher: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Clairee Belcher: The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.
Ouiser Boudreaux: My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?
[Sammy is wearing an Easter bunny contume]
Annelle: We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
Annelle: I suspected this all along!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
Annelle: Not on your first visit!
Clairee Belcher: Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!
Truvy: Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
Truvy: Smile! It increases your face value.
Clairee Belcher: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I couldn't help myself.
Clairee Belcher: Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Drum, eat shit and die.
Ouiser Boudreaux: You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
Clairee Belcher: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Annelle, take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
Truvy: Oh, honey, God don't care which church you go, long as you show up!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum until the end of time.
Clairee Belcher: Drum loves pork and beans. Eats 'em with everything.
Ouiser Boudreaux: That explains a lot.
Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
Clairee Belcher: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.
Ouiser Boudreaux: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Truvy: You are playin' hard to get!
Clairee Belcher: At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock.
Clairee Belcher: Ouiser, I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin' of a serial killer.
Clairee: Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?
Clairee Belcher: The older you get, the sillier you get.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.
Clairee: And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...
Ouiser Boudreaux: There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!
Annelle: That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?
Clairee: If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.
Truvy: Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them sice I was 14.
Clairee: You were brought up right.
Truvy: There is no such thing as natural beauty.
M'Lynn: Shelby, the boys bought the car around.
Shelby: What did they do to it?
M'Lynn: Well, let me put it this way... If you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you're all set!
Truvy: I don't like her. I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural.
Tommy Eatenton: [at same time as his brother] Hello Miz Ouiser
Jonathan Eatenton: Hello Miz Ouiser.
Ouiser Boudreaux: [Makes a face] Ugh! Leave me alone!
M'Lynn: Oh Ouiser, Drum would NEVER point a gun at a lady!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! He's a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!
Annelle: [stands up after praying] Amen.
M'Lynn: [looking confused at Truvy] Was she just praying?
Truvy: [rolling eyes, frustrated] Yes.
Truvy: Maybe she's praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle. Maybe she's praying for us because we're gossiping. Maybe she's praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! Who knows! She prays a the drop of a hat these days.
Truvy: Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.
M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[in a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!
[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: Hit her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?
Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!
M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.
Shelby: [to Annelle] Relax! You can't screw up her hair. Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.
Truvy: What are your colors, Shelby?
Shelby: My colors are "blush" and "bashful."
M'Lynn: Her colors are "pink" and pink."
Shelby: My colors are "blush" and "bashful" Mama!
M'Lynn: How precious is this weddin' gonna get, I ask you?
Clairee Belcher: [trying to do "color commentary" by discussing the color of the football uniforms] ... But I love the top - such a vibrant purple. Bob, would you call this color "grape" or "aubergine'?
Ouiser Boudreaux: SHUT UP!
Clairee Belcher: What?
Ouiser Boudreaux: You're makin' a fool outta yourself, Clairee.
Clairee Belcher: I am not.
Ouiser Boudreaux: This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don't give a damn 'bout that grape shit.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one!
Ouiser Boudreaux: He is a boil on the butt of humanity!
Shelby: Remember what Daddy always says - an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure!
M'Lynn: Shelby, as you know, wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That's what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart.
M'Lynn: [looking at herself in Truvy's compact mirror] Oh my God Shelby was right, my hair *does* look like a brown football helmet!
Ouiser Boudreaux: What's the matter with you these days, M'Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?
M'Lynn: [after Ouiser drinks a soda and belches] Oh, now, that's attractive, Ouiser.
Drum: Ouiser you look like hammered shit.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't you talk to me like that!
Drum: Oh,I'm sorry you look like regular shit.
Drum: Oh, Ouiser... I don't wanna have to kill you!
Ouiser Boudreaux: You know you would be a much more contended pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I am pleasant! Dammit! I just saw Drum Eatenton this mornin at the Piggly Wiggly and I smiled at the son of a bitch for I couldn't help myself!
Shelby: Was she prayin?
Truvy: Got me, maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Bell. My she was praying for us cause we was gossipin. Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose. Who knows she prays at the drop of a hat these days.
Clairee: Why do you give all these to me?
Ouiser Boudreaux: Somebody's gotta take em, I hate em, I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I should have never said that in front of Shelby.
Clairee: Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.
Clairee: Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Who's Anne Berlin?
Clairee: Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I never watch public television.
Clairee: She had six fingers.
Ouiser Boudreaux: What happened to the other four?
Clairee: She had 11 total.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you trying to confuse me, Clairee?
Clairee: No. I just want to expose us to a little more culture. And that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.
Clairee: [after Shelby said she almost called off the wedding] Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.