[hearing the doorbell ring]
Mary Fisher: [sweetly] Would somebody please get the door?
[doorbell continues ringing]
Mary Fisher: [angry] WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THE GODDAMN DOOR?
Mary Fisher: You're still the butler - so get to work!
Garcia: I may be the butler, but I'm NOT the maid!
Olivia: You give men what they want, and then they don't want it anymore.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: I have been sorry my whole life, and from the looks of it, so have you.
Bob: I had every intention into seeing this marrage through. I'm gonna tell ya something, Ruth... Life is made up of assets and liabilies. As a man I have four basic assets: *one*, a home, that is my castle; *two*, a family, that is loving and devoted; *three*, a successful career that I worked very hard to maintain; and *four*, the freedom to enjoy the fruits of my labor. But when it comes to liabillities, I have only one.
Bob: Thats you, Ruth! And I'm not gonna let you ruin everything
Bob: I've worked so hard for! You're a bad mother, a lousy wife, and a terrible cook! In fact, have you looked in a *mirror* recently? I don't even you're a woman. You know what you are? You're a *she-devil*!
Nicolette: What about our clothes?
Andy Patchett: What about my toys?
Nicolette: What about my tapes?
Ruth: Gone, everything is gone.
'People' Reporter: So, are you saying she was... promiscuous?
Mrs. Fisher: "Promiscuous"? She was a teen-aged tramp; she couldn't get enough! She would do it anywhere, anytime, and with anyone! She got knocked up when she was sixteen.
'People' Reporter: Knocked up?
Mrs. Fisher: Well, she couldn't take care of it! Had to give that cute little baby boy up for adoption!
'People' Reporter: So you're saying there's a missing member of the Fisher royal clan?
Mrs. Fisher: Royal my ass! Her father was a kosher butcher from Hoboken! A lovely man!
Mary Fisher: I'm taking back control of my life, Bob! As long as you're all under my roof things will be done *my* way, starting *now*!
Andy Patchett: Urrrrghhhh!
[throws up on the carpet and staggers away]
Mary Fisher: Ute, where are you going?
Ute: I took this job because I only had to cook and clean for one person and one dog. Then I get the mother, the lover, his kids and their dog. Miss Fisher, up with this bullshit I will not put. I quit!
Bob: [to Ruth] What's going on between me and Mary is purely professional.
[Mary has stormed out of the car after discovering that he's been sleeping with Olivia]
Bob: Mary! You know you're the only woman I've ever been faithful to?
Ruth: [narrating] Some women are born beautiful. They make it look easy. But most women have to put a little time and effort into their appearance, and then there are those of us who need all the help we can get, like me.
Bob: Okay Ruth, I'll give you a few days, then you've got to come back for the kids. Where can I reach you?
Ruth: I'm not coming back, Bob, they'll have a much better life here with you.
Bob: Wait a minute, Ruth, where're you going?
Ruth: I don't know, Bob, into my future I guess.
Ruth: I would have to get used to being alone now. It's not easy for a mother to be separated from her children. I'll bet Mary Fisher's mother feels the same way. Maybe I can help old Mrs. Fisher get reacquainted with her daughter. But first, I would need a new name.
Ruth: [switching the nursing home's sedatives with energy pills] Mary Fisher's mother had been enjoying a long, untroubled sleep. It was time to wake her up.
Ruth: [coaching the nursing home women in a game of soccer, jumping up and down] Come on! Kick that ball! Yes, go! Come on Miss Zulinski!
Hooper: What is going on here?
Ruth: Oh, isn't it wonderful?
Hooper: I know what you've been doing! The vitamins, the workouts, it's against the rules! I'm going to report you to Mrs. Trumper and then you'll be sorry.
Ruth: Oh I don't think so, I HAVE been sorry my whole life and by the looks of it, so have you, so you do whatever you want. It's a shame though, Hooper, I always thought that women like us should stick together. Let's go! Kick that ball!
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: [picks up Mary Fisher's book] Mary Fisher, any relation?
Mrs. Fisher: My daughter.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: Oh how nice.
Mrs. Fisher: She's a slut. Bitch keeps me in this dogpound while she lives the life of a princess in her gar damn mansion!
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: Well that doesn't seem fair.
Mrs. Fisher: Yeah I ought to drop in on her one day, that'd scare the shit out of her.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: You have rights, if you wanted to go see your daughter nobody could stop you.
Mrs. Fisher: I'm too old.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: You are a mature and vibrant woman, and don't you let anybody tell you anything different.
Mrs. Fisher: Yeah? I suppose I could go on Sunday afternoon.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: I'll put you on the train myself, and I'll even call ahead to make sure the butler knows you're coming.
Mrs. Fisher: Butler? I'll bet there's hanky panky there.
Ruth Patchett/Vesta Rose: Well there's only one way to find out.