|Index||2 reviews in total|
I just watched this. It was in my Netflix queue. I have no idea how it
got there; I don't remember adding it. I kept watching it thinking,
"Gee, I must have added this a long time ago, why did I pick it? If I
keep watching, maybe I'll find out what made me pick it." Well, I've
seen it now and I can't for the life of me find a single reason why I
might have put it in the queue.
This may be one of the worst movies ever committed to film. The acting is terrible, and whoever wrote the script (the guy who played the geek, I guess) should be shot. The plot is thinner than gas, and nothing makes any sense, in the end. The worst thing about the movie is not even that it's bad -- I mean, you can watch a bad movie and appreciate the campiness, but this movie doesn't even have that. It's just -- there. It doesn't even have the quality of being offensive (except at the one single point in the entire script where the movie tries to go for a laugh and ends up being slightly racist -- and still totally unfunny). It's like a particularly bland, boring, pointless, stupid, badly-written and badly-acted after-school movie.
I couldn't even tell you why this movie exists. This must have been a vanity project for someone, but afterward I can't imagine that they had any trace of vanity left.
The only thing more amazing than that someone made this movie is that someone, somewhere, for some incomprehensible reason, decided there should be a DVD version. Who did they think would want to see this? I would be interested in knowing if anyone other than the original cast members and the director, and maybe the mothers of same, ever bought a copy of the DVD.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
This review contains SPOILERS.
I knew going into this movie that it was a low budget film. No matter, as that is what I am used to and I always do my best to give these movies a chance. Really good stuff can be made with a very low budget. I also knew that this was supposed to be a romantic comedy about a basketball team. What I wasn't expecting was that it could hardly be called wither romantic or comedic. In fact, it could hardly be called watchable, even from me, a regular viewer of low budget films.
What `Perfect Profile' is about is an owner of a highly successful computer company, Brad Johnson (Tom Campitelli). He's so stinking rich that he owns a pro basketball team in Dallas. His team is very good and has been for years, but they are always getting second place. That's not good enough for Brad, so he has one of his computer technicians (Mike O'Dell, the movie's writer) use a computer to calculate the physical attributes of the team's perfect point guard. Once that data is collected, it is cross-referenced with players from around the country. It matches only one, but it happens to be a woman, Terry Williams (Nancy Lieberman). As you could probably predict, no one but Brad is enthusiastic about this fact. At first the team does not cooperate, but they eventually give in and think of her as one of the guys when they realize how good she is. Let me halt the plot right here and state that there isn't much more to this plot. At this point, we are just spoon-fed basketball games with a little bit of exposition thrown in to remind us we are supposed to be watching a movie. Flaws abound left and right. The setup of the film is downright terrible. We start off finding out the Dallas team is great and highly profitable, but Brad wants more; winning is everything. That is the biggest problem right there: Second place is not good enough for a super-rich man? When the theme of `winning isn't everything, it's how you play the game' is not applied here, you lose your patience with it all. I never cared about Brad, who came off very conceited and reckless. If his plan failed, he wouldn't lose any cash but would just get second place again. There are other bothersome setups points as well. The first twenty minutes involve the computer picking a player, with O'Dell as a highly stereotypical nerd running it. Really, with his glasses, bowtie, and pocket protector, I thought O'Dell just lost an audition to `Revenge of the Nerds.' But as soon as the Williams character enters the movie, O'Dell and the computer vanish completely. As for the Williams character, her first fifteen minutes are spent with absolutely no dialogue at all. I couldn't believe this laziness of improperly introducing one of the two main character's and not letting her speak for such a long time. Same goes for the rest of the team, most of whom have no dialogue at all (only two of them speak at all, and even they have limited lines). When I think of it, there are only about four or five scenes where Nancy Lieberman has more than one line. It's pitiful, but then again, the dialogue is bland so she wasn't missing much. The only person to get any decently written dialogue was Ray LePere, as the coach, and he is hardly seen after the first half. Much of the film is padded with basketball, but it isn't very exciting stuff. I was shocked to learn that Lieberman was a pro basketball player, because this film doesn't really show her burning up the court. I'm sure she was a great player, but I couldn't tell from watching this movie.
Other problems? How about the thin romance? At first Terry makes it clear that she does not want to have a relationship with the boisterous Brad. Only one scene later, she finds Brad with another woman and objects, claiming that she is his girl. Seemingly overnight, they make up and are back together and talk of marriage even though we see virtually no scenes of emotion or love between them. There are also some logic lapses. I could be wrong, but I thought there had to be some kind of procedure for things like letting a woman play in a men's league or getting a player off the injured list and back on the court (despite low attendance for even the championship game, this movie purports that the team is in the NBA, with signs and cereal boxes supporting this). Perhaps not, as these events happen at the spur of the moment. But what really burst my gasket was something very important at the end. (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!) Terry is angry with Brad for having tried to retire her without her permission, but she quickly forgives him when he lets her be on the injured list for the rest of the season. When the spare point guard is fouled out of the championship game with less than four minutes on the clock. Terry asks Brad to let her play for the remainder of the game. If he does, she tells him she will immediately retire and marry him. This outraged me. Brad wants to win anyway, but she is just going to pointlessly throw away her career to give him both the game and her hand in marriage? Why not win the game, marry the clown, and keep your career? Why even marry the clown at all?
This really isn't all that is wrong with the film, but to go on is like beating a dead horse that no one else will probably ride anyway. If you have seen any film about basketball, then chances are you have already seen everything you can get from `Perfect Profile.' Zantara's score: 3 out of 10.
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