Tod: You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
[after finding her 15-year-old son's bag full of porno tapes]
Helen: l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
Julie: I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree!
Gil: We'll throw away the TV. We'll perform Shakespeare in front of him.
Karen: He likes to butt things... with his head.
Nathan: How proud you must be.
Karen: Do you really have to go?
Gil: My whole life is "have to."
[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
Julie: He said that he loved me.
Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.
Frank: [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.
Gil: Keep Patty away from Larry - suck the intelligence right out of her.
Gil: What's the matter, honey? you don't feel so good?
Gil: You feel like you wanna throw up?
[barfs all over Gil, and starts crying]
Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you standing there?
Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.
Garry: What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?
Justin: Who's that?
Gil: It's my kid brother, Larry, your uncle. Don't give him any money.
Justin: I wont.
Stan: You don't talk like a kid.
Young Gil Buckman: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.
Stan: You're not a doc.
Young Gil Buckman: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.
Stan: A what?
Young Gil Buckman: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.
Young Gil Buckman: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
Stan: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!
Taylor: Mommy what was that?
Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kinda big.
Grandma: It sure was.
Karen: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.
Gil: Yeah if she's so brilliant why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?
[Gil sees Justin wearing nothing but a gunbelt]
Gil: That's what you're wearing to bed? You'll catch a cold!
[Justin puts on a cowboy hat]
Gil: Karen, how about after the kids are asleep... (referring to Justin.) I wear this outfit?
[referring to the porno tape on the TV]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No, grandma, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She really needs a man.
[after inhaling helium]
Grandma: When I was a girl, Grover Cleveland was president. Hehe!
Marilyn Buckman: Cool is adorable. Adorable! Why didn't you write us when you had a son?
Larry Buckman: I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago. You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Show girl. She was in that show 'Elvis On Ice'. Anyhow, we drifted apart as people do in these complicated times and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country."... That's a parent?
Kevin Buckman Age 21: Thank you. When I was 9 years old, I had kind of a rough time. A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up. But there was one person who got me through it. He did everything right. And thanks to him today, well I'm the happiest, most confident and most well adjusted person in this world. Dad, I love you. You're the greatest
Student 1 at College: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
Student 2 at College: What's he yelling?
Kevin Buckman Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil: [Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]
Gil: Nice shot son! It's important to be supportive. Come on lets sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "
Larry Buckman: [approaching Grandma] Is that Grandma?
Frank: Yeah, she's still alive.
Larry Buckman: [Larry and Grandma laugh and embrace] Jeez Grandma, you got short.
Grandma: I'm shrinking!
Larry Buckman: [briefly chuckles] Bummer!
Julie: I can't do this! This is too intense!
Helen: This is marriage!
Helen: I swear, Julie, if you walk out that door, don't you dare come back!
Julie: Don't worry about it!
Julie: Hey Garry.
Julie: I'm moving out.
Helen: See? Now you've upset your brother!
Tod: Has anyone seen my wife?
Helen: She's still at school. She has cheerleading practice.
Grandma: [after glimpsing porn tape on TV] One of those men reminded me of your grandfather.
Susan Buckman Merrick: [as her husband surprises her by serenading her in the middle of her lesson] Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs.
Julie: I can't believe I trusted him...
Helen: Well, what did you expect from a kid like that?
Julie: Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.
Tod: [upon finding Julie at her own house with her mother] Julie, you're here!
Julie: What does that make you, Sherlock Holmes? I live here!
Helen: [looking at Julie's sexy photographs as Julie walks in] I, I think this one is my favorite... it's just so...
Julie: It was just for fun, mom.
Helen: Well, I'm glad to hear it's not a job! It's that Tod, isn't it? I think I can see his face in some of these pictures.
Julie: Is that what's bothering you, Mom? That I did these things, or that I did them with Tod?
Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, there is so much about this that bothers me, I don't even know how to separate them. Oh! Whoo! Here's one for my wallet!
[after his wife just told him she's pregnant with their 4th child]
Gil: Well, great! Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let's have five. Let's have six. Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!
Tod: [interrupts foreplay to take out a picture camera] Now we can record our love.
[Tod is describing the conversation he just had with Garry]
Tod: ...and then he smiled.
Helen: Garry... smiled?
Tod: Yeah! I didn't even know he had teeth.
Irate Woman in Audience: He's ruining the play! He's ruining the whole play!
Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
Frank: [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
Gil: They're bad dudes. That's why they call the game "Bad Dudes."
Lou: Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?
Gil: Way to be supportive, Lou.
Gil: They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...
Gil: ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
[holds up jumbled of twisted balloons]
Gil: Your lower intestines.
[Tod is struggling with Julie]
Tod: Julie, you belong with me!
Helen: [hitting him] Let go of her!
Tod: You're my wife!
Helen: I said-!
Helen: His what?
Julie: His wife. We got married a few days ago.
Helen: [hitting her] Are you out of your *mind*? Are you out of your *mind*?
Frank: [watching Larry get thrown from a moving car and rolling up next to his feet] What was that?
Larry Buckman: [Larry stands up and brushes himself off] Oh, some - friends of mine were just dropping me off.
Frank: Friends? Friends slow down, they even stop!
[Larry walks away chuckling]
[about Todd and Julie's marriage]
Helen: I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
Helen: It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house.
Tod: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Gil: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a dildo] What's this?
[laughs and leaves the room]
Taylor: Mommy, what was that?
Karen: That was an electric ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kind of big.
Grandma: It sure was!
Helen: [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]
[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]
Helen: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.
Julie: It was just for fun Mom.
Helen: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
[as she looks closer at the photos]
Julie: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?
Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
[holds up a different photo]
Helen: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!
Julie: Tod is very important to me.
Helen: And we've got the photos to prove it!
[as she holds up the sex photos again]
Helen: [looking again at the ephotos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?
Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex - I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
Helen: Do you want me to make you breakfast?
Tod: No thanks, Julie will.
[then adds under her breath]
Helen: I'll get the fire extinguisher.
Susan Buckman Merrick: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked
[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
Julie: [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!
Helen: [shocked] Baby?
George Bowman: Your daughter's having a baby?
Helen: [even more shocked] A baby?
George Bowman: You're going to be a grandma?
Helen: [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
Helen: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
George Bowman: I was at Woodstock.
Helen: [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
Gil: [Frank has asked Gil for advice about Larry] And you want my advice? Why me? Why now?
Frank: Because I know you think I was a shitty father.
[Gil is silent]
Frank: Thank you for not arguing. And I know you're a good father.
Frank: You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?
Gil: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.
Frank: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
[Gil looks surprised and hurt]
Frank: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
[after Gil and Karen get into an accident when she tries to "relax" him]
Highway Policeman: So, how did this happen?
Gil: [gives Karen a look] Show him, honey.
Nathan: [after inspecting Susan's diaphragm and finding a hole] Well?
Susan Buckman Merrick: Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?
Nathan: To check. To see if it's OK. You didn't know I did that, did you?
Nathan: Obviously not or you wouldn't have tried this.
Susan Buckman Merrick: Are you accusing me of making that hole?
Nathan: No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm!
Karen: [referring to Justin] He likes to butt things with his head.
Nathan: How proud you must be.
Tod: Hi. Where's my wife?
Helen: She's still at school. She's got cheerleading practice.
Justin: [seeing Taylor get pushed around in a school play] They're hurting my sister!
Gil: He's going! Get him!
Justin: Hang on, Taylor! Taylor, I'm gonna save you.
Tod: Can I speak frankly, no holds barred? That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight? Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
Helen: If memory serves.
Tod: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
Tod: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
Helen: Garry was happy?
Tod: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs]
Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Karen: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
Kevin Buckman: Last summer at camp, Mom.
Gil: Ah, that was money well spent.
Gil: [Gil and Larry are reuniting] How long has it been? Three years?
Larry Buckman: Something like that.
Gil: You stopped wearing your turban!
Larry Buckman: [laughs] Yeah!