Quotes

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

Eddie: Shitter was full.

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Eddie: [Referring to the electrocuted cat] That thing had nine lives, you just spent 'em all.

Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?

Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?

Nora Griswold: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.

[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]

Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!

Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.

[after reaching the Griswolds' house]

Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.

Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen: Are you okay?

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!

Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]

Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: ...Is innocent.

Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.

SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.

Clark: May we blink?

Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?

Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.

Clark: Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.

Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.

Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.

Mary: Well you have your coat on.

Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?

Mary: Because it's cold out.

Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.

Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!

[kicks widly at the presents under the tree]

Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.

Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.

Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.

[another knock]

Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!

[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]

Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.

Clark: What about the kids?

Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.

Clark: We're gonna have the hap hap happiest christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny fucking Kaye.

Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!

Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.

Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!

Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?

Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

[Grotesque barfing noises]

Eddie: He's got it up!

[Winks at Clark that everything's okay]

Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?

Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.

[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]

Uncle Lewis: What is that?

Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast?

Clark: I'm not in the mood.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.