[Flint has found Henry in the graveyard]
Inspector Flint: I bet if we dug up these graves, we'd find a dead body in every one!
Henry Wilt: Well, so would I!
[Flint has realised that Henry is innocent of all charges]
Inspector Flint: In that case, *I* am under arrest. I am hereby arresting myself, for conspiring to falsify evidence for the wrongful arrest of a private citizen, misuse of police manpower and resources, and for knowingly obtaining an unlicensed firearm from an illegal source, with intent to murder and maim.
[Hands shotgun to Eva]
Inspector Flint: I am not obliged to say anything, but anything I do say can be noted and used as evidence. If someone would care to call the police, I shall be in the cemetery.
[Flint exits, while Henry joins Eva]
Henry Wilt: He's been under a lot of stress, lately.
[Henry bursts into the church, to find the vicar trying to strangle Eva]
Henry Wilt: Now you listen here, if anyone's going to murder my wife, it's going to be me!
Inspector Flint: Your wife! Your wife is *dead*!
Henry Wilt: You know what, Inspector, for the first time since I met you, you're in danger of actually being right about something!
[Henry wacks Flint into an open grave with the shovel, and runs off]
[Henry has arrived at the church, looking for Eva]
Henry Wilt: Why didn't I sign my own name? I'd be safely locked up in Broadmoor by now!
[Henry is looking through the kitchen cupboards]
Henry Wilt: [looking at the dog] Where does she keep the Marmite, Dasher?
Cranham: Don't tell the bastards nothing!
Henry Wilt: *Anything*, Cranham! Don't tell the bastards *anything*!
Dave: [Indicating the students] They look like football hooligans!
Henry Wilt: They *are* football hooligans!
Inspector Flint: [Wilt has just told him what happened to Eva's note] Do you mean to say that the one piece of evidence that could corroborate your story is wrapped round a turd headed for the North Sea?
Henry Wilt: Yes.
Inspector Flint: How tragically inconvenient!
Inspector Flint: [to Wilt, who has just attacked him thinking he is a mugger] I *am* the fucking police, you gormless erection!
Hugh: [to Eva, referring to Sally] She just wanted to get into your knickers!
Eva Wilt: [indignantly] Are you calling Sal a lesbian?
Hugh: I don't have to! She's already got their number!
[He and sally burst out laughing]
Henry Wilt: [to a policewoman] Do you think they'll want to do a cast of my face for the Chamber of Horrors?
Henry Wilt: [face to face with Inspector Flint in the cemetery] You cretinous testicle!
Inspector Flint: You're inferring we're
[meaning the police]
Inspector Flint: all thick!
Henry Wilt: No, I'm *implying* you're all thick, *you're* inferring that that is what I'm *implying*.
Henry Wilt: So what am I supposed to have done with the body, then?
Henry Wilt: Dissolved it in a huge vat of acid?
Dr. Pittman: Aha!
Henry Wilt: Oh, come on! Do you know how much acid that would take?
Dr. Pittman: Why don't you tell me?
Henry Wilt: No, anybody who'd believe that theory can't have his head screwed on straight!
[Dr Pittman has a noticeable crick in his neck]