Brad, Waiter at Tiki Joes: Hi, I'm Brad. Frosty beverage?
Harry Bruckner: [grinding is foot into Jory's chest] Your stud days are over, pretty boy!
Harry Bruckner: [outside Claude's house] Come on out here! You, who've been porkin' my wife!
Harry Bruckner: [to Dr. Palmer] Son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! You've been porkin' my wife!
Harry Bruckner: [keeping Reed and Claude from attacking Randy] Leave him alone. It's not him.
Harry Bruckner: [holding up his right hand, limp at the wrist] Kid's a homo.
Randy Bodek: I had a Letter to Penthouse staring me right in the face, and I let it go.
Harry Bruckner: [of Joe's secretary] Hey, that's not bad. Porkin' her?
Joe Bodek: I'm a happily married man, Harry. At least, I used to be.
Monica Delancy: I like actual food, not fiber. Fuck fiber. I want grease, I like red meat...
Tony: You are not the regular American woman, and I am not the regular delivery boy.
Diane Bodek: Oh, my God! You're not?
Tony: [getting turned on] No. He asked me to come here and say we have no more anchovies, but I cannot lie to you, my dove. I have MANY anchovies for you.
Randy Bodek: I've been having nightmares.
Kyoko Bruckner: About what?
Randy Bodek: Husbands.
Kyoko Bruckner: Me, too.
Robin: Oh, my God. You're just a boy. I'm sorry I... I don't date boys.
Alex Barnett: [seeing Randy rejected] For what it's worth, I thought she made a big mistake. It took a lot of nerve to go up to a complete stranger like that and ask her out. I admire that.
Randy Bodek: Thanks. I have to go kill myself now. Excuse me.
Alex Barnett: Don't worry. I'm not going to bite you. Not over coffee, anyway.
[Joe reads a note dropped by Randy that accompanied a new fashionable jacket delivered by Tony]
Joe Bodek: "Dear, Randy. Of course I'd prefer you naked, but if you MUST wear something it should be the best. Love, Alex." Diane!
Diane Bodek: Yeah!
Joe Bodek: Diane, our son... is a fruit.
[Joe discovers Jenny's suitcase full of underwear in Randy's room]
Joe Bodek: Come on, Diane! Our son is dressing up in ladies underwear. This is a problem! He needs professional help!
Diane Bodek: No, what he needs are sympathetic parents who let him know how much they love him.
Joe Bodek: Let's see how sympathetic you are when he wants to borrow your makeup.
[Diane overhears Randy on the phone with Jenny but thinks he's on the phone with a gay lover]
Randy Bodek: I want another chance. My life is a mess without you. Yeah, I know. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud. I'm gonna tell my parents about you. And I really want them to meet you.
Randy Bodek: Ah, you... you want me to fix you a... drink or somethin'?
Dr. Joyce Palmer: If I wanted a drink I would have hired a bartender!
Dr. Joyce Palmer: I know this is probably against your professional code, but can I ask you a personal question?
Randy Bodek: Sure.
Dr. Joyce Palmer: Well, it's just that... this isn't what I imagined. I... was angry and I wanted to get back at my husband, and I guess I kind of expected sort of a Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am, but... you're not like that at all.
Randy Bodek: Jen? Yeah, uh, well... I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' 'bout what you said back at school, about how I, uh, don't know how to treat a woman. Well, you're right but, you know, I am workin' on it.
Nurse Darlene: Multiple fractures. Internal hemorrhaging. We need immediate x-rays.
Reed Palmer: Too late for that. We've got to open him right up.
Nurse Darlene: Whatever you say, Dr. Palmer.
Randy Bodek: Doctor...? Dr. Pa... Dr. Reed Palmer?
Reed Palmer: That's right, Randy. I believe you know my wife.
Reed Palmer: [restraining anesthesiologist] No anesthetic!
Tony: In Genova a husband come after me with a butcher knife. We fight, we fight. I hit him to the ground. I bite his ear off. He don't bother me no more.
Randy Bodek: [handing over a ruined boxed pizza] You've got to deliver this to the Wilshile Motel, room 214.
Tony: But it is all broken. The tip will be very small.