[shouting at the driver while hanging onto the bonnet of a moving car]
Martin Riggs: I'd like to see your drivers license and proof of insurance!
[Riggs falls of the car]
[after a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]
Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs...
Martin Riggs: Well, it still is!
Trish Murtaugh: [holds up a gold pen] Is this your pen?
Martin Riggs: Thanks,
Martin Riggs: I keep losing it.
[he goes back to cuting up the vegetables]
Trish Murtaugh: Something's wrong.
Martin Riggs: Naw, not really, just another goddamn pen.
[He ignores her for awhile]
Trish Murtaugh: You were saying about the pen.
Martin Riggs: Oh, it just reminds me of something thats all.
Trish Murtaugh: Reminds you of what?
Martin Riggs: Ah, reminds me of the night Vicki was killed.
Trish Murtaugh: [pause] I didn't mean to push.
Martin Riggs: Hang on that ok, we never talked about this did we.
Martin Riggs: Well, I supposed to be meeting her for dinner and you know one of those romantic dinners for two. I was up to my eyeballs in work and I forgot about the whole thing.
[puts the cut up vegetables into a pot]
Martin Riggs: I guess she waited in the restaurant for an hour before she decided to drive home alone. It was midnight before I got home, I got home to a ringing phone, do naturally I answered it. They told me she was killed in a car crash.
Martin Riggs: I should have been driving, I guess we would have been all right, huh. Anyway I remember falling down on my knees and I started shaking all over and I remember thinking I'm losing it, I'm losing it. So there I was lying on the living room floor. Lying there and I'm seeing under the couch and I see this gold pen. Gold pen just lying under the couch, I've been looking, haven't seen it in two months, there it is.
Martin Riggs: She wasn't much of a housekeeper. And this voice goes off inside my head, kind a like a drill instructor, I really heard it. It said GET UP NOW. I didn't feel like it but I got up, muscles were still working and I drove to the hospital and identified her in the morgue and signed her out with my gold pen.
Roger Murtaugh: [walks in] Gold pen? Hey, Trish found one in the laundry the other day.
[Trish and Martin look at each other]
[Rudd fires at Riggs, hitting him several times. Riggs falls, writhing in pain. Arjen's gun clicks empty. Roger aims at him]
Roger Murtaugh: [shouting] DROP IT, ASSHOLE!
Martin Riggs: [weakly] Rog...
Arjen Rudd: [holds up his wallet] Diplomatic immunity!
[Roger slowly rolls his head on his neck, takes aim, and fires - his bullet goes through Rudd's wallet, and then his head]
Roger Murtaugh: It's just been revoked!
Arjen Rudd: Certain policemen in this city have become an intolerable nuisance. They are obviously onto us again. How do you propose to handle the situation?
Pieter Vorstedt: Warn them off. It's my experience that a scared cop is more useful than a dead one.
Arjen Rudd: A warning... is that not a bit tame?
Pieter Vorstedt: Depends how you do it.
[Riggs has dislocated his shoulder to escaped from a straight-jacket for a bet]
Detective: How the hell do you do that man?
Martin Riggs: Well, I dislocated my shoulder one time and I can do it whenever I want.
Detective: God damn man, doesn't that hurt?
Martin Riggs: Yes it does but not as much as when I put it back in!
[Slams his shoulder into an office partition wall]
Martin Riggs: Well if it isn't Mrs. Sigmund Fraud.
Dr. Stephanie Woods: My door is always open.
Martin Riggs: Well, I think we should keep this on a professional level, don't you, Doc?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: Why do you do this to yourself Riggs?
Martin Riggs: Well, who else am I supposed to do it to? None of them'll let me. Besides, I need the money.
Martin Riggs: Hey, this is a real nice hobby room. All you need now is a hobby!
[McGee uses a nail gun, Riggs and Murtaugh drop to the floor, guns drawn]
Mickey McGee: Hey, Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with you guys?
Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, that's very uncool.
Mickey McGee: You're sorry? Check my shorts, for Christ's sake!
Roger Murtaugh: George... Home!... Out!
George: But sir, I...
Roger Murtaugh: George, I got a gun!
George: Yes Sir!
[after seeing Rianne's commercial on TV]
Martin Riggs: Hey what's with you Rog? She was great, she was beautiful.
Mickey McGee: Yeah, I liked it. She made me want to go out and buy rubbers right now!
George: Mr. Murtaugh has a gun.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, but it's an old gun and he's not a very good shot.
[Ribbing Murtaugh about his daughter's television ad for condoms]
Riggs: In one ear, out the RUBBER...
[Riggs sitting by the shore with his dog, Sam]
Martin Riggs: Hey, did anyone ever tell you if you sit on the rocks too long, you get piles? Come on, lets get out of here.
Martin Riggs: This stinks!
Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."
Martin Riggs: [a smoking Riggs and Murtaugh have been assigned to guard Leo] This stinks!
Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."
Martin Riggs: [They go to leave]
Capt. Murphy: And Riggs.
Capt. Murphy: What?
Martin Riggs: [Murphy throws Riggs a desktop no smoking sign]
Capt. Murphy: You know what that says?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, the same thing as that.
[Points to a no smoking sign on the door]
Martin Riggs: But I don't give a fuck!
Capt. Murphy: [Riggs leaves. Murphy and Murtaugh look at each other]
Roger Murtaugh: You're lucky. I have to live with that.
Martin Riggs: Police! Open up!
Leo Getz: How do I know it's the police?
Martin Riggs: After I shoot you through the door, you can examine the bullet. Open up!
[after Riggs and Leo have a rude confrontation]
Leo Getz: Oh I get it.
[Points to Riggs then Murtaugh]
Leo Getz: Bad cop, good cop.
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up.
Leo Getz: Oh okay, bad cop, bad cop.
Leo Getz: I'm Leo Getz, and whatever you want, Leo gets.
[after falling into a hotel swimming pool]
Martin Riggs: Where were you man? You my partner or what? Why didn't you follow me down?
Leo Getz: Yeah, why didn't you follow him down?
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! From seven floors up?
Riggs: We're back, we're bad, you're black, I'm mad.
[Admiring the view over L.A]
Roger Murtaugh: That's downtown L.A. How would you like to have a house up here?
Martin Riggs: Well, it would be okay on the three days of the year when you can actually see it!
[Leo Getz explaining money laundering]
Leo Getz: Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? You make a tax deduction on interest payments you don't even make! Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?
Martin Riggs: You're a swindler!
Roger Murtaugh: Cheat!
Leo Getz: Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!
Pieter Vorstedt: What is going on down here?
Martin Riggs: Freeze dickhead! Get down here dickhead. Come on, it's been a bad day!
Rudd: Now we DO have a serious diplomatic situation here, which I will be taking up with your state department first thing in the morning.
Riggs: Whoa, you got me quakin' in my boots, but I'm still gonna bring you down.
Rudd: My dear officer, you could not even give me a parking ticket!
[after receiving the wrong order at the drive-thru]
Leo Getz: They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a fuck! I'm not eating this tuna, okay?
[Roger is sitting on a boobytrapped toilet]
Roger: Why didn't they plant the bomb in Trish's stove?
Riggs: Yeah. Think of all the needless suffering that could've ended there!
Roger: I'm gonna die on a toilet, aren't I?
Riggs: Guys like you don't die on toilets.
[about to pull Murtaugh off the booby-trapped toilet]
Martin Riggs: On three, what do ya say?
Roger Murtaugh: Okay.
Martin Riggs: One... two...
Roger Murtaugh: Wait, wait, wait!
Martin Riggs: What?
Roger Murtaugh: Do we do it on three? Or one, two, three, then do it?
Martin Riggs: It's your ass, Cochise!
Roger Murtaugh: My ass, yeah. On three.
Martin Riggs: We go on three?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.
[Murtaugh is lying on top of Riggs in the bath, after the explosion]
Martin Riggs: Get off me man! I don't want anybody to see us like this!
[At the South African Consulate]
Roger Murtaugh: How you doin'?
[his handshake is ignored by the Envoy]
Consulate Envoy: I think there must be some mistake.
Roger Murtaugh: Say what?
Consulate Envoy: Listen to your friend here, he knows what he's talking about. I don't think you want to go to South Africa.
Roger Murtaugh: Why not?
Consulate Envoy: Because you're black!
Leo Getz: [to Murtaugh] You are.
Leo Getz: He is.
[Riggs confronts Rudd and his minions in their office]
Martin Riggs: Hey, don't bother calling the police. I'm here already.
Arjen Rudd: I should have known.
Martin Riggs: Well, well... it's the master race!
Arjen Rudd: I hope you realize the trouble you are in right now.
Martin Riggs: Well, as usual, you people have everything all upside down and turned around and back to front.
Martin Riggs: I'm surprised you haven't heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!
Rika Van Den Haas: What are you doing here?
Martin Riggs: Oh, I've just been upstairs with your boss, shooting the breeze... shooting his fish.
Rika Van Den Haas: Rudd's hiding behind his diplomatic credentials, isn't he?
Riggs: He's not a very good guy, your boss.
Rika Van Den Haas: Then whatever he's doing, he shouldn't get away with it.
[Riggs and Rika are in bed]
Riggs: I think it's time for the seventh inning stretch.
Riggs: That's a baseball expression.
Rika: I know. But we're only up to the fourth inning.
Riggs: Batter up!
Pieter Vorstedt: I was going to offer you a drink, Riggs, but I hear you're on the wagon these days.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, that stuff'll kill you quick. Listen, you know so much about me; who the hell are you?
Pieter Vorstedt: I'm the guy that changes the course of your life, man. 4 years ago, Riggs, when you were a narc off Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself; drove your car right off the fucking road, remember? Now, of course, you weren't driving. You can't imagine the surprise. I pulled back this matted mop of blood-soaked hair to see this woman's face... your wife, right? She didn't die straightaway... took a bit of time.
[Riggs angrily charges for Vorstedt, but is restrained]
Pieter Vorstedt: Don't know much luck with women, do you, Riggs?
[after shooting 2 criminals with a nail gun]
Roger Murtaugh: Nailed you both!
Murtaugh: You are not dead until I tell you! Got that Riggs?
Martin Riggs: I'm not a cop tonight, Rog. This is personal.
Martin Riggs: Hey, hey. Did you get them? The bad guys? Are they all gone?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Hey, hey. They've been... de-kaffir-nated.
[after Riggs just destroyed a house on a cliff]
Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, you crazy son of a bitch!
[after the envoys states that Murtaugh can't go to South Africa because he's black]
Roger Murtaugh: Of course I'm black. That's why I want to go to South Africa.
Roger Murtaugh: [louder and more militant] To join my oppressed brothers as they take up the struggle against this racist, fascist, White Minority Regime!
Leo Getz: Racist White Regime!
Roger Murtaugh: One man, one vote!
Leo Getz: One man, one vote!
Roger Murtaugh: [Loudly] Free South Africa you dumb son of a bitch!
Leo Getz: You dumb son of a bitch!
Consulate Envoy: That's quite enough! Get out!
[Security tries to remove Getz and Murtaugh, resuting in a full scale riot inside and outside the Consulate]
Capt. Murphy: Murtaugh, all that damage you caused downtown is comin' out of the department's budget!
Roger: Fine. Pay it off in Krugerrands.
Capt. Murphy: Don't make jokes, Murtaugh, make arrests!
[Riggs has accosted Rudd, Vorstedt and several other consulate thugs in Rudd's office]
Martin Riggs: I'll make you a deal, Arjen, or Aryan, or whatever the fuck your name is, I'll make you a little deal. You fold up your tents - and get the fuck out of my country - and I won't do anything to you. I'll leave you alone.
[points his gun at Arjen's face]
Martin Riggs: Cause if you stick around here, I'm gonna FUCK YOUR ASS.
[In Rudd's office, Hans meets Rudd & Vorstedt after losing the Krugerrands in the chase]
Arjen Rudd: Hans, come in.
[points in front of his desk]
Arjen Rudd: Mind the plastic. I'm having some painting done. Well now, the important thing is, are you all right? Any broken bones?
Hans: I'm fine, thank you, Mr. Rudd.
Arjen Rudd: Only a few bumps and bruises, eh?
Hans: Yes, that's all.
Arjen Rudd: Good, good.
Arjen Rudd: However, we did lose over a million dollars in Krugerrand.
Hans: I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Rudd. It happens.
Arjen Rudd: Ah, it's not your fault. Sometimes these things do not go as planned. As you say, they just happen... eh, Pieter?
[Pieter shoots Hans. He falls dead onto the plastic, and Pieter starts wrapping its edges around his body]
Pieter Vorstedt: You give a new meaning to the phrase "drop-cloth," Mr. Rudd.
Arjen "Aryan" Rudd: Mr. Getz got away. A missed opportunity and he gets away. He slips right through our fingers, and into the hands of the police.
[catches Pieter staring at the floor around him]
Arjen "Aryan" Rudd: What are you doing?
Pieter Vorstedt: I was just checking to see if I was standing on plastic.
[Murtaugh is holding a wounded Riggs in his arms after killing Aryan]
Martin Riggs: Hey Rog, could you reach into my pocket there?
[Murtaugh reaches into Riggs's pants pocket, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, thinking he wants a last smoke before he dies]
Roger Murtaugh: Here you go.
Martin Riggs: I, I want you to throw those things away, those things'll kill ya.
Leo Getz: Hey hey hey! Listen, if we're going, shouldn't I have a gun?
Athlete on T.V: Another day, another hobby.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah another day, another hobby. What's new?
[Vorstedt and his goons have broken into Murtaugh's house and have gagged him and Trish]
Pieter Vorstedt: I bet you're wondering what we've done to your kids, aren't ya?
[squeals and groans from the Murtaugh's]
Pieter Vorstedt: I'll bet your mind is going fucking bananas, isn't it?
[more squeals and groans]
Pieter Vorstedt: Now this has just been a warning. Next time it will get bloody. Now you tell your people to *back off*. Don't you go being a smart kaffir. Perhaps we'll let you live, ja.
[Vorstedt and goons leave]
[Vorstedt bursts in on Wyler in the middle of a weight routine]
Pieter Vorstedt: Hello, Wyler. This just isn't your day. Just like your buddy, Murtaugh. Tell me something. Have your brains ever seen the light of day?
Tom Wyler: Who the fuck do you think you are, man? I'm a cop!
Pieter Vorstedt: No. You *were* a cop, Wyler.
[explaining to Rika about the altercation with the police]
Arjen "Aryan" Rudd: You see, my dear, the policies of our government are not very popular in this country. And the police force in this city is *overrun* with blacks. They have badges and guns and they *hate* us. Our consulate staff, particularly myself, will always be victims of their harassment.
[after Riggs threatened Rudd in his office]
Arjen "Aryan" Rudd: Just get out of here, Kaffir-lover!
Martin Riggs: [pointing his gun at each of Rudd's henchman] Eeny... Meeny... Meinie...
[points at Vorstedt for a long moment]
Martin Riggs: [a la Curly from the Three Stooges] Hey Moe!
[Riggs shoots the fish tank, causing water and fishes to spill everywhere]
Martin Riggs: [mock saluting] Big Smile! Big Smile! BIG SMILE!
Martin Riggs: Do you like your chili with or without crushed Oreos?
Martin Riggs: She's got a great body. She makes you want to buy rubbers.
Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.
[Riggs crouches down under Roger's toilet, and sees the bomb planted there]
Roger Murtaugh: Tell me I'm not fucked.
Martin Riggs: [under his breath] He's fucked...
Martin Riggs: Well, okay, but I'd be lying.
[Riggs is about to drive up onto the center divider of an overpass in Trish's new car during pursuit]
Roger Murtaugh: You're not going to make it!
Martin Riggs: Yes, I will.
Roger Murtaugh: [anxiously] There's not enough room!
Martin Riggs: There's plenty of room, sure I'll make it!
[runs the car up onto the divider, scraping it along a metal guard-rail]
Roger Murtaugh: [screaming as sparks fly] Ah, my side panel!
Martin Riggs: [ignoring Roger and shouting to driver blocking lane beside them] Move over! Move over!
Roger Murtaugh: [to other driver] Move over, mother fucker!
Arjen Rudd: Certain policemen in this city have become an intolerable nuisance. They are obviously onto us again. How do you propose to handle it?
Pieter Vorstedt: [with cigarette in mouth] Warn them off. It's my experience that a scared cop is more useful than a dead one.
Arjen Rudd: A warning? Is that not a bit tame?
Pieter Vorstedt: Depends on how you do it.
[about 25 minutes later into film after a very scary warning that still didn't stop the police from bothering them]
Arjen Rudd: Things are getting out of hand. We are suffering too many losses. We have to move the cash in one large shipment.
Pieter Vorstedt: We'll need something bigger than a suitcase.
Arjen Rudd: I'll worry about that. You worry about the police. The warning did not work.
Nick Murtaugh: Hey, Hey, what's that your eating dad?
Roger Murtaugh: My tuna fish sandwich
Carrie Murtaugh: Daddy, you can't eat tuna
Roger Murtaugh: I can't eat what
Carrie Murtaugh: Mom, dad killed flipper
Trish Murtaugh: [as Rianne points to her shirt] We're boycotting tuna honey because they kill the dolphins that get's caught in the nets, ONLY albacore
Roger Murtaugh: Alba what
Nick Murtaugh: why don't have a ham sandwich
Martin Riggs: Hey, eat Miss Piggy instead
Rianne Murtaugh: [Rianne laughs and accidentally slaps Martin in the face] Oh, I'm sorry
Martin Riggs: It's only my eye
Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] Ha, Ha, Ha