Quotes

Pauline Fleming: Now... it seems we were in a similar position on Monday when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together for an unadulterated emotional outpouring. But no. You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round of "Let's Laugh at the Hippie."

Counselor Paul Hyde: Pauline...

Principal: Shut up, Paul. Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exibits involving tennis rackets. But this suicide thing... guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength. Well, we're gonna just write off today. And on Friday she can hold her little "Love-In" or... whatever. Whatever.

J.D.: People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

Veronica Sawyer: It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

Heather Chandler: You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

Veronica Sawyer: What is your damage, Heather?

Geek: Ah, oh, uh! I like to suck big dicks. Or, uh... Mmmm! Mmmm! I can't get enough of 'em!

Heather Chandler: Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87.

J.D.: Is your life perfect?

Veronica Sawyer: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.

J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.

Veronica Sawyer: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.

J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

J.D.: Well, ah... Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene.

[He picks up a shopping bag and pulls items out of it]

J.D.: All right. Got an issue of "Stud Puppy."

Veronica Sawyer: Great!

[She laughs]

J.D.: Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see, some mascara. All right. And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water.

Veronica Sawyer: Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it's come a long way.

J.D.: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

Veronica Sawyer: Oh, you're so smart.

Veronica Sawyer: Hello, Heather.

Heather Chandler: Veronica. Finally. I got a note of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting, and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.

Veronica Sawyer: Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

Heather Chandler: You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be very. The note'll give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

Veronica Sawyer: I'll think about it.

Heather Chandler: Don't think.

Heather Chandler: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

Veronica Sawyer: Heather?

Heather Chandler: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

Veronica Sawyer: What are you doing here?

Heather Chandler: I made your favorite. Spaghetti. With lots of oregano. Dinner!

Veronica Sawyer: [wakes up from dream]

Veronica Sawyer: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.

Veronica Sawyer: Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight.

Heather Chandler: You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.

Veronica Sawyer: This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.

Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.

Veronica Sawyer: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.

Veronica Sawyer: This may seem like a really stupid question...

J.D.: There *are* no stupid questions.

Veronica Sawyer: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

J.D.: The extreme always seems to make an impression.

J.D.: Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.

Veronica Sawyer: If you think I'm doing another suicide note you're wrong!

J.D.: You don't get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.

Ram Sweeney: Let's kick his ass.

Kurt Kelly: Shit man, we're seniors now man. We're too old for that kind of shit.

[pause]

Kurt Kelly: Let's give him a good scare though.

Ram Sweeney: [praying in Heather's funeral] Jesus God in Heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

[smiles]

Ram Sweeney: It's a joke man. Geez, people are so serious.

[serious face]

Ram Sweeney: Holy Mary who art in Heaven pray for us sinners... so we don't get caught

[grins and looks up worriedly]

Ram Sweeney: Another joke.

Heather McNamara: God had cursed me I think. The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day. I'm failing math. I was supposed to be cheerleading captain...

Veronica Sawyer: She knows we listen to this show.

Heather Duke: Ohmygod.

[delighted]

Heather Duke: We'll crucify her!

Heather Duke: Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.

Veronica Sawyer: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

Veronica's Dad: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Veronica Sawyer: If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.

J.D.: Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?

Veronica Sawyer: I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.

J.D.: Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

J.D.: The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

Veronica Sawyer: She's my best friend. God, I hate her.

Heather Duke: Veronica, you look like hell.

Veronica Sawyer: Yeah? I just got back.

Heather Chandler: Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Father Ripper: We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.

Kurt's Dad: My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.

J.D.: Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.

Veronica Sawyer: That knife is filthy.

J.D.: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

Veronica Sawyer: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

Heather McNamara: God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

Veronica Sawyer: Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.

Brad: It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

Veronica Sawyer: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...

Brad: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.

Veronica Sawyer: You don't deserve my fucking speech.

2nd Heavy Metaller in Parking Lot: [after being asked the lunchtime poll question] You go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up it's butt... push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

J.D.: When football season is over, Veronica, Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Heather Duke: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.

Veronica Sawyer: Is she dead?

Heather Duke: No... that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.

Veronica Sawyer: [slaps Heather]

Veronica Sawyer: [camera cuts to Veronica's room] I said I was sorry!

Heather Duke: You were out of control! I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers!

Veronica Sawyer: Ugh... shut-up, Hot Probs is on.

J.D.: I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...

Veronica's Mom: When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

Veronica Sawyer: What's the up-chuck factor on that?

Veronica Sawyer: How very.

Heather Chandler: [sticker inside locker] I shop, therefore I am.

Ram Sweeney: [Veronica has invited Ram and Kurt to have a threesome with her in the woods - there is an awkward pause] So, should I just whip it out, or...?

Officer Milner: [arriving on crime scene] So, what's the deal?

Officer McCord: Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other!

Officer Milner: Hey, that's Kurt Kelly!

Officer McCord: And the line backer, Ram Sweeney.

Officer Milner: My God, suicide. Why?

Officer McCord: [holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?

Officer Milner: [appalled] Oh man! They were fags?

Officer McCord: [grimly] Listen up:

[reading from forged suicide letter]

Officer McCord: "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."

Officer Milner: [disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!

Officer McCord: The quarterback, buggering the linebacker...

[shaking head]

Officer McCord: What a waste!

Officer Milner: Oh, the humanity!

Dennis: I'm not belittleing the foodless fund, Peter, but we're talking teen suicide, here. I mean ask Alison; the number one song in America today is Teenage Suicide, Don't Do It by Big Fun. Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.

Peter: Great, so Heather gets the front page and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

Veronica Sawyer: [praying over Heather's casket] Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?

Kurt Kelly: It'd be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer/Heather Chandler sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.

Ram Sweeney: Oh, hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on my Johnson and just start spinnin' her around like a goddamn pinwheel.

Veronica Sawyer: Get a job.