Fletch Lives (1989)
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Irwin, admit that you are a sinner.
Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya!
Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.
KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be.
Ben Dover: Take your pants off.
Fletch: I don't even know your name.
Ben Dover: Bend over.
Fletch: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo.
Bly Guard: [Seeing Fletch walk by in an all white suit, with a limp] This is a secure area!
Fletch: Well I'm very happy for ya, most people live in terrible neighborhoods.
Fletch: Are you the head honcho?
Bly Manager: That's right sir, Headly Dan Duke, and what seems to be your problem.
Fletch: The problem IS I agreed to take a shit load of that blue bird crap of your hands and it ain't come yet!
Bly Manager: I'm very sorry sir, and you are...?
Fletch: I ARE PISSED!
[reaches into his white jacket pocket and begins to pull out a fake invoice]
Fletch: Some damn fool told me it was on back order and I'd have to wait!
[puts fake invoice directly in front of the managers face]
Fletch: Who's signature is this? Who signed that?
Bly Manager: [attempting to read something less than 1 inch in front of his face] Well, I can't seem to ah...
Fletch: [Fletch ripping the fake invoice from his hand] Well that's the trouble. It's typical of a large corporation.
[stuffs the fake invoice back into his jacket]
Fletch: Lack of communication and that's why I like to keep Everest small.
Bly Manager: OH your from Everest?
Fletch: Now you're talkin!
[expresses his dumbfounded look knowing he just sold the manager on the biggest and stupidest scam]
Fletch: Elmer Gantry! Elmer Fudd Gantry.
Bly Manager: Well, Mr Gantry I'm not sure there's anything I can do, uh...
Fletch: Well you could pull my file instead of standing there pulling your pud!
Bly Manager: [leans over to the assistant] Pull the Everest file.
[Fletch limps away at this point]
Fletch: [Fletch begins walking towards the shipping containers as a crash is heard and a man screams OOWWWWW. Mr Duke follows him] I apologize for my benecosity. I've had a hernia operation. Is that the stuff I was supposed to get?
Bly Manager: Yes sir.
Fletch: Why are they wearing those funny suits?
Bly Manager: Well, there protective as you know that's a very corrosive bi-product they're handling.
Fletch: Oh yeah. I guess if they didn't wear those suites those boys would be so full of wholes they'd whistle when they walked! Hahahahaahahah, ow!
Bly Manager: [laughs with Fletch until he cringes] What's that...
Fletch: Awe, i've been spittin up blood, pissing blood, bleedin. Go through five of these suits a day.
Bly Manager: [Receives the Everest file from the assistant] Well, it seems you have your facts wrong Mr. Gantry. Your company is supposed to get 1,500 gallons. Destination some place called Belle Isle in Louisiana. Signed for by an officer of your company and due the 23rd. So we're right, and you're wrong.
Fletch: [rips a page from the Everest file] Let me see that! It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
[folds the page and puts it in his jacket]
Fletch: . I am NOT a big man.
Fletch: Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit.
Fletch: It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man.
Fletch: [narrating] The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it certainly wouldn't be her father.
Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?
Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.
Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.
Frank: Uh, there's only one.
Fletch: [narrating] Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out.
Fletch: [flirting] Hey Betty, how about lunch at the In N' Out Burger?
Betty Dilworth: [disgusted] No.
Fletch: Okay, forget the burger, how about just the In N' Out?
[she sneers at him]
Fletch: Ok, how about just the In?
[Fletch, dressed as a nerdy businessman, has walked into a biker bar]
Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley.
Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place?
Fletch: I think so!
Joe Jack: [mocking] Think so!
Joe Jack: Ed...
Joe Jack: what are you doing in here?
Fletch: I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Fletch: You don't get it?
Joe Jack: [grabs Fletch] No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it.
Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles!
Joe Jack: [shocked] You own the company?
Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing.
Joe Jack: [really shocked] Harley-Davidson, no shit?
Fletch: No shit!
Joe Jack: [smiling broadly] Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez!
[all cheer, embrace Fletch]
Fletch: Bobby Ross?
Man on Computer: Huh?
Fletch: Peter Lemonjello. Your house is on fire.
Man on Computer: What?
Fletch: They called and told me to tell you your house is on fire. I'm here to take over.
Man on Computer: Well God bless you!
[man hurries out of the computer room]
Fletch: [as man is leaving] And god bless you for believing that shit.
Fletch: It's a championship Laker watch.
Cindy Mae: Oh, are you a Laker?
Fletch: I used to date one - only thing I have to remember him by.
Calculus Entropy: How do you do? I be Calculus Entropy, you be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?
Fletch: I be Fletch, Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.
Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.
Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?
Fletch: I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it.
Hamilton "Ham" Johnson: So tragic when this happens to somebody so young and healthy. Was she feeling alright last night?
Fletch: She felt great to me.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: [touring BibleLand] You don't suppose I used too many photographs of myself do you?
Fletch: No, no. Worked for the Ayatollah.
Man: Uh and you are...
Fletch: I'm Claude Henry Carlton Smoot
Man: Ca... ca... ca...
Fletch: Claaaauuuuude Henry
Man: Ca... ca... Carl...
Fletch: Claude or Carl
Fletch: Smoot. Smoot. S-M-M-O-T-T. I'm sorry 2 O's, 1 T.
Fletch: I'm a guest healer.
Man: ...a guest healer...
Fletch: [puts his hand on the man's forehead and presses forward] Healed!
Fletch: All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it.
Cindy Mae: [Turbulence] Oh Lord, what was that?
Fletch: We just clipped a Piper Cub. Pilot's okay, I just saw him parachuting.
Man: Uh, sir, this is a secure area.
Fletch: Well, I'm very happy for you, son. Most people live in terrible neighborhoods.
Fletch: Sorry I'm late.
KKK Leader: Who goes there?
Fletch: Henry Himmler.
KKK Leader: What klavan claims you?
Fletch: California klavan, Cucamonga.
KKK Leader: California?
Fletch: Yeah. I was passing through town and was lookin' for something to do this evening.There was nothing goin' on at the Rotary Club. I heard about this.
KKK Leader: Welcome, Henry. I'm the Grand Kleagle.
[KKK Leader starts secret handshake and Fletch slowly follows through and then backhands the side of the Leader's head]
Fletch: California Thing. What's the occasion here?
KKK Leader: Oh, some undesirable carpetbagger... I think