- Vanessa Barsini: You're like a swollen house guest who eats up all the food, and while the rest of us go hungry, you complain about heartburn.
- Vanessa Barsini: One, it's nice to live at the beach. Two, I can't cook cioppino worth a damn. And three, there are more important things in life than happiness.
- Lt. Columbo: Well. My dog, maybe he's not the most beautiful dog in the world. And there's plenty of other dogs a lot smarter, but if they ever gave an award for the loving department, he would win the grand prize. When it comes to loving, this dog, he's the champion.
- Julie: I'm a orphan, life's hard when you're an orphan.
- Vanessa Barsini: You think you got it bad? I'm a double orphan. I got adopted, and then my adopted parents they died too.
- Vanessa Barsini: Max, don't you get it?
- Vanessa Barsini: I want that barefoot tootsie out of my house.
- Max Barsini: So now it's your house?
- Vanessa Barsini: Every man lives in his wife's house.