The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.
Vicki Vale: What do you want?
The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.
Vicki Vale: You must be joking.
The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?
[Batman dangles a mugger over the side of a building]
Nic: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!
Batman: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Nic: What are you?
Batman: I'm Batman.
Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.
[Walks towards the fireplace]
Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.
[Points to his head]
Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.
The Joker: Hmm.
[Smiles and nods his head]
Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?
The Joker: [Shakes his head]
Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his
[grabs a poker and smashes a vase]
Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.
Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
[turns around to see a man]
Grissom: Who the hell are you?
Joker: It's me, Sugar bumps.
Grissom: Jack? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A *woman*! You must be insane.
[Grissom goes for his gun]
Joker: Don't bother.
Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
Grissom: Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend.
[steps into the light]
Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.
[laughs, and then proceeds to kill Grissom]
Vicki Vale: A lot of people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.
Batman: He's psychotic.
Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.
Batman: What people?
Vicki Vale: Well, I mean, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?
Batman: It's not exactly a normal world, is it?
The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.
Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.
Vicki Vale: [distracting Joker] Mr. Joker, you say such beautiful things. Oh, you're so powerful. And purple! Oh, I love purple.
Batman: Excuse me.
Batman: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
The Joker: [talking to a gargoyle] What are you laughin' at?
The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.
The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!
The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
Bruce Wayne: [Vicki goes to answer the front door; mouths] I'm Batman, I'm Batman.
Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.
Batman: I'm going to kill you!
The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.
Batman: I know you did.
[punches him again]
The Joker: My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.
[Bob hands him a gun, Joker shoots him]
The Joker: I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.
Joker: As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.
Joker: Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he knows about this Batman. And Bob...
Joker: Remember... you... are my number one... guy!
Eddie: Hey, let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.
Nic: What are ya, scared of heights?
Eddie: I don't know. After what happened to Johnny Gobs...
Nic: Hey, look, man. Johnny Gobs got ripped and took a walk off a roof, all right? No big loss.
Eddie: No man... that ain't what I heard at all. I heard that the Bat got him.
Nic: The Bat? Aw man, give me a break, will ya?
Eddie: Five stories straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.
Nic: No shit. It was all over the pavement.
The Joker: I've recently had a tragedy in my life. Alicia...
[lays the mask that Alicia wore on the table]
The Joker: ...threw herself out of the window.
Vicki Vale: Oh, my God.
The Joker: But, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
[breaks the mask and starts giggling]
The Joker: I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
Joker: Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!
Knox: You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say...
Eckhardt: I say... you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: We've received a letter from Batman this morning. 'Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again, to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'
Alexander Knox: Question. How do we call him?
Commissioner Jim Gordon: He gave us a signal.
[Commissioner Gordon activates the Bat Signal]
The Joker: Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.
[the Joker sees a picture of Vicki Vale]
Joker: Stop the press, who is that?
[Joker reads the newspaper]
The Joker: "Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait till they get a load of me!
Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.
Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?
Joker: Life's been good to me.
Rotelli: What if we say no?
Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands and that'll be it.
[Rotelli shakes hands with The Joker and starts to get electrocuted]
Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.
[the Joker starts to laugh hysterically, as Rotelli catches fire]
Joker: [singing] Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.
[the Joker drops Rotelli, charred to a crisp, into his seat]
Joker: [fanning away the smoke with his hat] Antoine got a little "hot" under the collar.
Ricorso: You're crazy.
Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
[He begins to laugh again and mops sweat from his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh]
Joker: NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
Bruce Wayne: You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts!
[to Rotelli's charred and smoldering corpse]
Joker: Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.
Joker: Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!
Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Vale called again. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might simply strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.
Bruce Wayne: You're right about that.
Alfred Pennyworth: And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.
[about one of his suits of armor]
Bruce Wayne: It's Japanese.
Knox: How do you know?
Bruce Wayne: Because I bought it in Japan.
Vicki Vale: What can I do for you?
The Joker: Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.
The Joker: [examining Vicki's work] Crap... crap... crap... crap...
[sees pictures of war victims]
The Joker: Ah! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!
The Joker: Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two.
Helicopter Goon: Right away, sir?
The Joker: Five minutes.
Helicopter Goon: Five minutes.
[Joker raises his head to look at the top of the Cathedral]
The Joker: Better make it ten.
Vicki Vale: [speaking across the entire dining room table] Could you pass the salt?
Vicki Vale: He's really wonderful? He loves you a lot.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred's a great one. I Couldn't find my socks without him.
Passenger: Excuse me.
Tourist Dad: I'm sorry, this is my cab.
Tourist Dad: Listen, I was here first!
[as the cab drives away]
Tourist Dad: Oh, God! Oh, taxi? Taxi!
Alexander Knox: Mr. Dent, I love that tie. We were discussing the pros and cons of winged vigilantes. What's your stand?
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: Mr. Knox, we have enough problems in this city without worrying about ghosts or goblins.
Alexander Knox: Pardon me, but that's not a denial.
The Joker: [Talking to Bob] You
The Joker: are my number one
The Joker: guy.
Bruce Wayne: You're a real nice girl, and I like you a lot, but right now, shut up.
Alexander Knox: The rich. You know why they're so odd? Because they can afford to be.
Knox: Lieutenant, is there a six-foot bat in Gotham City? And if so, is he on the police payroll? And if so, what's he pulling down... after taxes?
Alicia: [Bob brings Alicia in] Jack, you said I could watch you improve the paintings.
The Joker: Well I'm in trouble now.
Joker: [shows up unexpectedly at Vicki's place] Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much as an apology, you ran off with that sideshow phony.
Joker: [sees Bruce Wayne enter the room] Well, Miss Vale, another rooster in the henhouse.
The Joker: [after shooting Bruce Wayne] Why is it everytime I come for you somebody always gets in the way?
Jack Napier: Decent people shouldn't live here. They'd be happier someplace else.
Alicia: Pretty tough talk about Carl.
Jack Napier: Don't worry about it. If this clown could touch Grissom, I'd have handed him his lungs by now.
Alicia: If Grissom knew about us, he might hand you something.
Jack Napier: Don't flatter yourself, angel. He's a tired old man. He can't run this city without me. And besides, he doesn't know.
[Jack Napier is confronted with Batman for the first time]
Jack Napier: Nice outfit!
[Joker gives someone a hand and electrocutes him]
Joker: Oh, I got a live one here!
Vicki Vale: I just gotta know, are we gonna try to love each other?
Bruce Wayne: I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've gotta go to work.
Batman: You killed my parents.
The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?
Batman: I made you, you made me first.
The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?
Alfred Pennyworth: I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.
Vicki Vale: Hi, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.
Vicki Vale: I'm not a bit surprised.
The Joker: New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.
The Joker: Joker here.
TV Technician: We got interference. Call the OB unit, will ya?
The Joker: Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which *were* true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He *was* a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a *killer*. I am an artist. I *love* a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!
[the Batwing is flying at Joker]
The Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on!
The Joker: Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.
Commissioner Jim Gordon: This is Commissioner Gordon! I want him taken alive! I repeat: Any man who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me!
Vicki Vale: I'm reading your stuff.
Alexander Knox: Well, I'm reading yours.
Vicki Vale: Hi! I'm Vicki Vale.
Jack Napier: Why, Eckhardt, you oughta think about the future.
Eckhardt: You mean when you run this show? You ain't got no future, Jack! You're an A-1 nut boy and Grissom knows it!
[Jack pushes Eckhardt against the wall, and Eckhardt whips out his gun. Bob steps up from behind Jack with his gun pointed at Eckhardt]
Jack Napier: Better be sure.
[Eckhardt's lowers his gun]
Jack Napier: See? You can make a good decision when you try.
[he chuckles as he and Bob walk away]
Joker: At midnight, I will dump twenty million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me, I've got enough.
The Mayor: We are not prepared to discuss any deals.
Joker: [pushes the Mayor off the TV] You heard it folks. Twenty million.
The Joker: It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.
The Joker: Shall we dance?
Batman: See that thing on my belt? Grab it! Whatever you do, don't let go.
Bruce Wayne: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
[after revealling his latest "work", Alicia]
The Joker: Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?
[reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
[Batman punches him]
The Joker: We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.
The Joker: They don't make 'em like they used to! Do they, eh? Eh, Batsy?
[upon entering the museum]
Joker: Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence?
[Alicia sees Jack as the Joker for the first time]
Joker: Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today.
Grissom: Jack, it's an important job. I need... someone I can trust. You are my number one guy!
Joker: Have you shipped a million of those things?
Scientist at Axis Chemicals: Yes sir!
Joker: Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!
Jack Napier: Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.
[it's a wad of bills between two pieces of bread]
Eckhardt: Why don't you broadcast it?
Jack Napier: Shut up and listen.
Alexander Knox: [seeing Vicki for the first time] Hello legs!
Alexander Knox: [observing one of Wayne's odd sculptures] Check this out! He must have been "King of the Wicker People".