The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
[turns around to see a man]
Grissom: Who the hell are you?
Joker: It's me, Sugar bumps.
Grissom: Jack? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A *woman*! You must be insane.
[Grissom goes for his gun]
Joker: Don't bother.
Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
Grissom: Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend.
[steps into the light]
Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.
[laughs, and then proceeds to kill Grissom]
Bruce Wayne: [Vicki goes to answer the front door; mouths] I'm Batman, I'm Batman.
The Joker: [talking to a gargoyle] What are you laughin' at?
The Joker: I've recently had a tragedy in my life. Alicia...
[lays the mask that Alicia wore on the table]
The Joker: ...threw herself out of the window.
Vicki Vale: Oh, my God.
The Joker: But, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
[breaks the mask and starts giggling]
The Joker: I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
Joker: Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!
Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.
Knox: You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say...
Eckhardt: I say... you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.
Jack Napier: Decent people shouldn't live here. They'd be happier someplace else.
Alicia: Pretty tough talk about Carl.
Jack Napier: Don't worry about it. If this clown could touch Grissom, I'd have handed him his lungs by now.
Alicia: If Grissom knew about us, he might hand you something.
Jack Napier: Don't flatter yourself, angel. He's a tired old man. He can't run this city without me. And besides, he doesn't know.
The Joker: Where does he get those wonderful toys?
The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.
[Batman dangles a mugger over the side of a building]
Nic: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!
Batman: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Nic: What are you?
Batman: I'm Batman.
The Joker: The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: We've received a letter from Batman this morning. 'Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again, to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'
Alexander Knox: Question. How do we call him?
Commissioner Jim Gordon: He gave us a signal.
[Commissioner Gordon activates the Bat Signal]
Vicki Vale: [distracting Joker] Mr. Joker, you say such beautiful things. Oh, you're so powerful. And purple! Oh, I love purple.
Batman: Excuse me.
Batman: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Batman: I'm going to kill you!
The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.
Batman: I know you did.
[punches him again]
The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.
The Joker: Never rub another man's rhubarb.
The Joker: Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.
[Jack Napier is confronted with Batman for the first time]
Jack Napier: Nice outfit!
[Joker gives someone a hand and electrocutes him]
Joker: Oh, I got a live one here!
Vicki Vale: I just gotta know, are we gonna try to love each other?
Bruce Wayne: I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've gotta go to work.
[the Joker sees a picture of Vicki Vale]
Joker: Stop the press, who is that?
Vicki Vale: A lot of people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.
Batman: He's psychotic.
Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.
Batman: What people?
Vicki Vale: Well, I mean, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?
Batman: It's not exactly a normal world, is it?
The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.
Batman: You killed my parents.
The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?
Batman: I made you, you made me first.
The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?
The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
Vicki Vale: What do you want?
The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.
Vicki Vale: You must be joking.
The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?
Alfred Pennyworth: I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.
Vicki Vale: Hi, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.
Vicki Vale: I'm not a bit surprised.
The Joker: New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.
The Joker: My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.
[Bob hands him a gun, Joker shoots him]
The Joker: I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.
The Joker: Joker here.
TV Technician: We got interference. Call the OB unit, will ya?
The Joker: Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which *were* true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He *was* a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a *killer*. I am an artist. I *love* a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!
[the Batwing is flying at Joker]
The Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on!
The Joker: Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.
The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!
Commissioner Jim Gordon: This is Commissioner Gordon! I want him taken alive! I repeat: Any man who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me!
[Joker reads the newspaper]
The Joker: "Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait till they get a load of me!
Vicki Vale: I'm reading your stuff.
Alexander Knox: Well, I'm reading yours.
Vicki Vale: Hi! I'm Vicki Vale.
Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.
Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?
Joker: Life's been good to me.
Rotelli: What if we say no?
Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands and that'll be it.
[shakes hands with the Joker and begins to get electrocuted]
Rotelli: [Shakes hands with The Joker and starts to get electrocuted]
Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.
[starts to laugh hysterically]
Joker: [singing] Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.
Joker: Antoine got a little hot under the collar.
Ricorso: You're crazy.
Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
[He begins to laugh again and mops sweat from his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh]
Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.
Jack Napier: Why, Eckhardt, you oughta think about the future.
Eckhardt: You mean when you run this show? You ain't got no future, Jack! You're an A-1 nut boy and Grissom knows it!
[Jack pushes Eckhardt against the wall, and Eckhardt whips out his gun. Bob steps up from behind Jack with his gun pointed at Eckhardt]
Jack Napier: Better be sure.
[Eckhardt's lowers his gun]
Jack Napier: See? You can make a good decision when you try.
[he chuckles as he and Bob walk away]
Joker: At midnight, I will dump twenty million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me, I've got enough.
The Mayor: We are not prepared to discuss any deals.
Joker: [pushes the Mayor off the TV] You heard it folks. Twenty million.
Joker: As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.
Alexander Knox: Maybe it should be Bruce Vain!
Mugger: "Man, let's go! Let's go, Jack!"
The Joker: It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.
The Joker: Shall we dance?
The Joker: Sometimes I just kill myself!
Batman: See that thing on my belt? Grab it! Whatever you do, don't let go.
Eddie: Hey, let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.
Nic: What are ya, scared of heights?
Eddie: I don't know. After what happened to Johnny Gobs...
Nic: Hey, look, man. Johnny Gobs got ripped and took a walk off a roof, all right? No big loss.
Eddie: No man... that ain't what I heard at all. I heard that the Bat got him.
Nic: The Bat? Aw man, give me a break, will ya?
Eddie: Five stories straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.
Nic: No shit. It was all over the pavement.
Bruce Wayne: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
Bruce Wayne: You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts!
[after revealling his latest "work", Alicia]
The Joker: Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?
Joker: Antoine got a little hot under the collar.
The Joker: It's time to retire! Feel free to drop in.
[reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
[Batman punches him]
The Joker: We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.
The Joker: They don't make 'em like they used to! Do they, eh? Eh, Batsy?
[upon entering the museum]
Joker: Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence?
[Alicia sees Jack as the Joker for the first time]
Joker: Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today.
Bruce Wayne: Y'see, my life is really... complex.
[to Rotelli's charred and smoldering corpse]
Joker: Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.
Joker: Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!
Grissom: Jack, it's an important job. I need... someone I can trust. You are my number one guy!
Joker: Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he knows about this Batman. And Bob...
Joker: Remember... you... are my number one... guy!
Joker: Have you shipped a million of those things?
Scientist at Axis Chemicals: Yes sir!
Joker: Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!
Jack Napier: Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.
[it's a wad of bills between two pieces of bread]
Eckhardt: Why don't you broadcast it?
Jack Napier: Shut up and listen.
The Joker: I'm of a mind to make some mookie.
Alexander Knox: [seeing Vicki for the first time] Hello legs!
Alexander Knox: [observing one of Wayne's odd sculptures] Check this out! He must have been "King of the Wicker People".
Vicki Vale: What about *your* family?
Bruce Wayne: Well, actually, Alfred is my family.
Vicki Vale: You know, this house and all this stuff really doesn't seem like you at all.
Bruce Wayne: Some of it is very much me. Some of it isn't.
Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Vale called again. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might simply strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.
Bruce Wayne: You're right about that.
Alfred Pennyworth: And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.
[about one of his suits of armor]
Bruce Wayne: It's Japanese.
Knox: How do you know?
Bruce Wayne: Because I bought it in Japan.
Vicki Vale: What can I do for you?
The Joker: Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.
The Joker: [examining Vicki's work] Crap... crap... crap... crap...
[sees pictures of war victims]
The Joker: Ah! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!
The Joker: Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two.
Helicopter Goon: Right away, sir?
The Joker: Five minutes.
Helicopter Goon: Five minutes.
[Joker raises his head to look at the top of the Cathedral]
The Joker: Better make it ten.
Vicki Vale: [speaking across the entire dining room table] Could you pass the salt?
Vicki Vale: He's really wonderful? He loves you a lot.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred's a great one. I Couldn't find my socks without him.
Passenger: Excuse me.
Tourist Dad: I'm sorry, this is my cab.
Tourist Dad: Listen, I was here first!
[as the cab drives away]
Tourist Dad: Oh, God! Oh, taxi? Taxi!
Bob the Goon: Let him go, or I'll do Gordon.
Alexander Knox: Mr. Dent, I love that tie. We were discussing the pros and cons of winged vigilantes. What's your stand?
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: Mr. Knox, we have enough problems in this city without worrying about ghosts or goblins.
Alexander Knox: Pardon me, but that's not a denial.
Jack Napier: We've been ratted out here, boys.
The Joker: [Talking to Bob] You
The Joker: are my number one
The Joker: guy.
Bruce Wayne: You're a real nice girl, and I like you a lot, but right now, shut up.
Alexander Knox: The rich. You know why they're so odd? Because they can afford to be.
The Joker: Into the air, Junior Birdman! Missed me!
Jack Napier: Eckheardt! think a bout the future!
Knox: Lieutenant, is there a six-foot bat in Gotham City? And if so, is he on the police payroll? And if so, what's he pulling down... after taxes?
Alicia: [Bob brings Alicia in] Jack, you said I could watch you improve the paintings.
The Joker: Well I'm in trouble now.
Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.
[Walks towards the fireplace]
Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.
[Points to his head]
Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.
The Joker: Hmm.
[Smiles and nods his head]
Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?
The Joker: [Shakes his head]
Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his
[grabs a poker and smashes a vase]
Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.
Joker: [shows up unexpectedly at Vicki's place] Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much as an apology, you ran off with that sideshow phony.
Joker: [sees Bruce Wayne enter the room] Well, Miss Vale, another rooster in the henhouse.
The Joker: [after shooting Bruce Wayne] Why is it everytime I come for you somebody always gets in the way?
Vicki Vale: Aww! He took the film!