The Simpsons (1989– )
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony: Hey, wait a minute!
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
Nurse: Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa: But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse: They should have had their fun before they got here!
Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
Homer: Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang: We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Homer: [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy: [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer: Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?
Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
Kent Brockman: [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
Therapist: You hate your father, don't you?
Homer: The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist: I'm sorry, I was just venting...
Homer: Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa: [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
Care Home Resident: Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Average Nuclear Plant Employee: I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
Mrs Lovejoy: [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy: But he's like the Pope of this thing!
Principal Skinner: [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
Mrs Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
Cool New Teacher: This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie: [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher: Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer: We did everything we could for him during the commercials!
Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
Milhouse: [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you?
[the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]
Homer: [forseeing the Rapture] In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane...
Ned Flanders: [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister: Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
Bart: I don't know why I do what I do
[eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda]
Ned Flanders' Mother: [getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!
Homer: What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.
Moe: [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.
Marge: [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.
Marge: [protesting, sees Homer go in] Mr. Scalper, a ticket please!
Scalper: I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up.
[sells her a ticket]
Mrs Lovejoy: Now what do we do?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Let's talk about Marge behind her back!
Mrs Hibbert: Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?
Luanne: I'll bet it saw something awful!
Groundskeeper Willie: My shack! I just got it the way I like it!
Marge: If I don't fight him tomorrow, you kids will have a more violent future.
Homer: [leaving Bart at fat camp] Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye!
Chief Wiggum: Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!
Ralph: Your hair is tall and pretty!
Marge: Thank you Ralph!
[puts her hand on his shoulder]
Marge: You really are a nice young gentleman.
Ralph: Ah! She's touching my special area.
Bart: I'm done working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Homer: [at a company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss. Look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer: Gelatine desserts.
Mr. Burns: [slaps his head] Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
Mr. Burns: went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[motions to a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns: Well, toss it in the pile over there.
Mr. Burns: And make yourselves at home.
Bill Cosby: You see, kids today listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their bippin' and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see jazz is like jello pudding, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever, heh-heh-heh.
Bill Cosby: You see, I've got to get back on the TV! Because with the Osbournes, and the softcore porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the wah-wah-wah.
Bill Cosby: What do you like to play?
Bill Cosby: Pokémon? With the pokey and the man and the guy comes out with the thing and it makes him fall off the sidewalk wah-wah-wah!
Captain McCallister: All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!
Captain Tenniel: I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
Homer: You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human.
Principal Skinner: It's the only Behaviour Modification Camp cruel enough to scare kids like Bart straight, and then send them home quietly ticking away...
Grampa: [Abe is fronting for his grandkids writing for Itchy & Scratchy] I get paid $6000 a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do!
Homer: [fantasises about dumping Abe in a Mental Institution]
Mr. Burns: What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Moe: We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything.
Italian Pizza Chef: Mr Hopkins, so sorry, but tonight your pizza, she can't be done.
Anthony Hopkins: ...Damn you.
Anthony Hopkins: DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Lisa: [afraid she has the Simpsons' stupidity gene] Is there something I can do to change my DNA like sit on a microwave?
Dr Hibbert: ...Not according to any movie I've ever seen.
Kent Brockman: So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news...
Dr Hibbert: We can't fix your heart, but thanks to modern technology we can tell you exactly how damaged it is!
Homer: What an age we live in!
Press: Where are the bodies?
Dr. Nick Riviera: [slams the door on them] Such a beautiful day! I think I'll go for a walk. Excuse me while I jump out the window.
Dr. Nick Riviera: [reading Gray's Anatomy] My God! That woman's swallowed a baby!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [flirting at a party] Sure I'm a Doctor, baby, and I can prescribe anything I want!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [watching instructional surgery film] Ew, gross, blood!
Lisa: I suppose you could say I'd like to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson.
Milhouse: But I'm ALL Milhouse!
Marge: We've got to get you away from these violent influences and into Church!
Reverend Lovejoy: And then the Belshazzemites did PIERCE the eyes of their foes and feasted upon what flowed thereforth.
Ned Flanders: Science is like someone who tells you the end of a movie before you've watched it! I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!
Krusty the Clown: I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there!
Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Homer: [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, honey.
Lisa: By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
Homer: Oh yeah, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
Swedish Barman: [Bart's telephone prank] If I ever find you, I will thank you for teaching me the futility of all Human Endeavour...
Lionel Hutz: [Monorail criticism] I could answer your question, Lisa, but you and I would be the only ones in this room who'd understand. And I'm including your Teacher in that.
Principal Skinner: [Lisa's President in the Future] Your nutrition and education programs just created a generation of Supercriminals.
Apu: [Homer's triple bypass] Poor Mr. Simpson! I wonder if my Kwikie Mart is in any way connected to his wretched Health?
Customer: Could I have five packs of salted jerky, please?
Apu: Would you like some Vodka with that?
Homer: [Johnny Newspaperseed Museum] If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Lunchlady Doris: I can only give you Chewable Prozac for Kids in the shape of cartoon characters. I've got Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
Lisa: You can't take revenge on an animal! That's the whole point of "Moby Dick"!
Homer: The point of "Moby Dick" is "Be yourself"...
Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.