The Simpsons (1989– )
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Barney: I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier!
Lisa: Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me!
Barney: No I'm not!
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony: Hey, wait a minute!
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Nurse: Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy: [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer: Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?
Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa: But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse: They should have had their fun before they got here!
Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Homer: Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Kent Brockman: [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang: We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
Homer: Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa: [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
Marge: [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.
Moe: I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
Milhouse: [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you?
[the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]
Ralph: Your hair is tall and pretty!
Marge: Thank you Ralph!
[puts her hand on his shoulder]
Marge: You really are a nice young gentleman.
Ralph: Ah! She's touching my special area.
Bart: I'm done working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Troy McClure: l hate every ape I see
Troy McClure: From chimpanA to chimpanZ
Troy McClure: So you'll never make
Troy McClure: A monkey out of me!
Homer: I'm a simple man! I love America, and films where murder is legal one night of the year...
Care Home Resident: Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Therapist: You hate your father, don't you?
Homer: The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist: I'm sorry, I was just venting...
Marge: We don't have room for another child.
Homer: We'll let Bart sleep in Lisa's room until he leaves home.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: It didn't warp my Uncle Frank.
Marge: What happened to him?
Homer: He joined that Cult. I think he's Mother Shabooboo now.
Average Nuclear Plant Employee: I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
Mrs Lovejoy: [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy: But he's like the Pope of this thing!
Principal Skinner: [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister: Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
Mrs Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
Cool New Teacher: This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie: [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher: Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer: We did everything we could for him during the commercials!
Ned Flanders' Mother: [getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!
Mrs. Krabappel: Okay, children, that was the Sand film...
Homer: [forseeing the Rapture] In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane...
Chief Wiggum: Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!
Homer: [at a company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss. Look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer: Gelatine desserts.
Mr. Burns: [slaps his head] Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
Mr. Burns: went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[motions to a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns: Well, toss it in the pile over there.
Mr. Burns: And make yourselves at home.
Bill Cosby: You see, kids today listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their bippin' and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see jazz is like jello pudding, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever, heh-heh-heh.
Bill Cosby: You see, I've got to get back on the TV! Because with the Osbournes, and the softcore porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the wah-wah-wah.
Bill Cosby: What do you like to play?
Bill Cosby: Pokémon? With the pokey and the man and the guy comes out with the thing and it makes him fall off the sidewalk wah-wah-wah!
Mr. Burns: Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing!
Grampa: [Abe is fronting for his grandkids writing for Itchy & Scratchy] I get paid $600 a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do!
Homer: [fantasises about dumping Abe in a Mental Institution]
Mr. Burns: What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything.
Italian Pizza Chef: Mr Hopkins, so sorry, but tonight your pizza, she can't be done.
Anthony Hopkins: ...Damn you.
Anthony Hopkins: DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Lisa: [afraid she has the Simpsons' stupidity gene] Is there something I can do to change my DNA like sit on a microwave?
Dr Hibbert: ...Not according to any movie I've ever seen.
Kent Brockman: So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news...
Dr Hibbert: We can't fix your heart, but thanks to modern technology we can tell you exactly how damaged it is!
Homer: What an age we live in!
Press: Where are the bodies?
Dr. Nick Riviera: [slams the door on them] Such a beautiful day! I think I'll go for a walk. Excuse me while I jump out the window.
Dr. Nick Riviera: [reading Gray's Anatomy] My God! That woman's swallowed a baby!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [flirting at a party] Sure I'm a Doctor, baby, and I can prescribe anything I want!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [watching instructional surgery film] Ew, gross, blood!
Lisa: I suppose you could say I'd like to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson.
Milhouse: But I'm ALL Milhouse!
Marge: We've got to get you away from these violent influences and into Church!
Reverend Lovejoy: And then the Belshazzemites did PIERCE the eyes of their foes and feasted upon what flowed thereforth.
Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Homer: [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, honey.
Lisa: By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
Homer: Oh yeah, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
Swedish Barman: [Bart's telephone prank] If I ever find you, I will thank you for teaching me the futility of all Human Endeavour...
Apu: [Homer's triple bypass] Poor Mr. Simpson! I wonder if my Kwikie Mart is in any way connected to his wretched Health?
Customer: Could I have five packs of salted jerky, please?
Apu: Would you like some Vodka with that?
Homer: [Johnny Newspaperseed Museum] If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Lunchlady Doris: I can only give you Chewable Prozac for Kids in the shape of cartoon characters. I've got Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
Lisa: You can't take revenge on an animal! That's the whole point of "Moby Dick"!
Homer: The point of "Moby Dick" is "Be yourself"...
Marge: [Bart is on Focusin and behaving] Oh, Bart, you're turning into the kind of boy every Mother wants! A girl!
Moe: You know, they say there's someone for everybody
[on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself]
Principal Skinner: Despite all the Ritalin, Bart has moved on to drugs...
Otto: [at the wrong film] I never realised British Coal Miners had it so hard. There's blood on your hands, Mrs Thatcher!
Homer: Thank you for correcting me, Lisa, people are always glad to be corrected.
Bart: [filling Skinner's pants with cats and dynamite]
Principal Skinner: This is not going to end well.
Fat Tony: Take care of him.
Louie: Do you mean "Take care of him" or "Take care of him"?
Fat Tony: Take care of him.
Louie: Now I don't know what to do, and if I do it wrong he'll take care of me!
Boxcar Hobo: Don't worry! I'm not a Stabbin' Hobo, I'm a Singin' Hobo! I Stab all day/ and I Stab all night/ Stabbin' 'em all up/ with my Stabbin' Stabbin' Knife...
Marge: Could you sing something less unsettling?
Ned Flanders: [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
Bart: I don't know why I do what I do
[eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda]
Homer: What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.
Moe: [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.
Marge: [protesting, sees Homer go in] Mr. Scalper, a ticket please!
Scalper: I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up.
[sells her a ticket]
Mrs Lovejoy: Now what do we do?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Let's talk about Marge behind her back!
Mrs Hibbert: Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?
Luanne: I'll bet it saw something awful!
Groundskeeper Willie: My shack! I just got it the way I like it!
Marge: If I don't fight him tomorrow, you kids will have a more violent future.
Homer: [leaving Bart at fat camp] Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye!
Captain McCallister: All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!
Captain Tenniel: I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
Homer: You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human.
Principal Skinner: It's the only Behaviour Modification Camp cruel enough to scare kids like Bart straight, and then send them home quietly ticking away...
Moe: We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.
Ned Flanders: Science is like someone who tells you the end of a movie before you've watched it! I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!
Krusty the Clown: I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there!
Lionel Hutz: [Monorail criticism] I could answer your question, Lisa, but you and I would be the only ones in this room who'd understand. And I'm including your Teacher in that.
Principal Skinner: [Lisa's President in the Future] Your nutrition and education programs just created a generation of Supercriminals.
The Rich Texan: [Giving away Santa's Little Helper's new friend] I want you to have my dawg. Once they fall in love they're no good.
Marge: But won't you miss her love and companionship?
The Rich Texan: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Lady, you're aaaaalright!
The Rich Texan: [after shooting in the air] Sorry, I can't live without passion.
The Rich Texan: I want you to have my hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it aaaaaaalways brings me good luck!
Captain McCallister: You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?
Bart: I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.
Captain McCallister: Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.
Bart: And I thought he had it all.
Lisa: [environmental presentation] There will be no Springfield in 20 years! The sea levels will rise, drowning the lowlands! Fields that once fed the World will be reduced to Deserts! And in the New Ninevah, DARKNESS FALLS!
Homer: [the Nahasapeemapetalans have had Octuplets] I'm sterile, right, Baby Doll?
Marge: Yes, dear, from the Nuclear Plant.
Mr. Burns: Who is that man?
Waylon Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your _ from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?
Bart: Tell us a story, Grampa, you've led an interesting life.
Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...
Leonard Nimoy: What follows are lies, but they are entertaining lies. And isn't that really what we mean by true? The answer... is no.
Bart: Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass!
Homer: [Homer is an ice-cream man] I've got to get back to my round! If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed!
Dotty British Uncle: [Renaissance Costume] I gets my brain medicines on the Naational 'ealth!
[fishing in a goldfish bowl]
Professor Frink: The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.
Lisa: Just for that?
Professor Frink: It was a slow year.
Ranting Streetperson: Did you ever read "The Old Curiosity Shop"?
Homer: Name me one person who overcame adversity just on his own!
Homer: No need for pottymouth just because you can't think of anyone.
Homer: Anything's possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
Jasper: [Bird-spotting club] My God, a Pigeon!
Cool New Teacher: Why would you learn that when you can look it up Online in seconds?
Martin Prince: I've... I've filled my head with nonsense!
Cool New Teacher: Yes, you have.
Homer: [Spanish Armada] Oh, Lord, please help us kill these foreigners who think your Mother should be revered...
Professor Frink: According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!
Barfly: [tries a Flaming Moe] It tastes great! And my phlegm feels looser...
Dr. Nick Riviera: [treating Mozart] I can see from here that you've got too much blood. Let's get you covered in Leeches. That's right! Eat the little boy. In the morning you'll be better. Or dead. But the important thing is: we'll know!
Mr. Burns: [repeated line, whenever he forgets Homer's name] Simpson, eh?
Reverend Lovejoy: Have you ever thought about one of the other major religions, Ned? They're all just as good...
Homer: It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation...
Grampa: I'll be glad when we've buried the last of you Hepburn types!
Homer: Give me learning, Sir, and I will have none of your black bread!
Bart: [junk mail] Poison the Termites, Gas the Termites, Nuke the Termites, Save the Termites...
Lisa: [Marge's Life Coach] And because therapists don't have families, you can call them day or night!
Homer: And should I reveal any of the secrets entrusted to me, may my belly swell up and my head be plucked of all but two hairs...
Moe: I think he should take a different Oath.
Chief Stonecutter: We all take the same Oath!
Professor Frink: [Homer is a Chiropracter] Will this help my Sciatica?
Homer: I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"
Selma Bouvier: [Selma's going on a date with Barney Gumble] It's time to ashcan my girlhood hopes and dreams, and grab hold of the first train out of the station.
Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!
Dolphin: Can you put it behind you?
Snorky: No! Here's the plan...
Homer: Then I bonked my head on the table and blacked out. The Doctors thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what is the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Homer: That's just my birthmark, and I'll thank you not to stare.
Chief Stonecutter: This means you're the Chosen One! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Chief Stonecutter: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
Groundskeeper Willie: Alright, I've taken all their salty snacks! Just like the English took all our sheep and our women in 1294! And then they gave them back! Which was worse!
Homer: But Lisa, if this works all Daddy's lies will be true. Don't you want all of Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa: I want a Daddy who lives in the real World!
Homer: To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day...
Grampa: What's wrong? Usually I have to wrestle the bucket away from you.
Homer: Dad I'm in love.
Grampa: Uh-oh. This girl, she good-looking? Belle of the ball?
Grampa: No, no! Don't over-reach! You've got to go for the low-hanging fruit, the dented car, the less attractive girl. I blame myself for not having this talk sooner.
Mr. Burns: [Old Timey Atom Factory] Come on boys, crack those atoms! You! Turn out your pockets! Atoms! Six of them! Take him away!
The Working Man: You can't do this to the working man! One day we'll form a Union and get the Fair and Equitable treatment we deserve! And then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns: The Japanese! Those sandal wearing basket weavers!
Mr. Burns: [Present Day] If only we'd listened to that man instead of walling him up in an old coke oven...
Superintendent Chalmers: I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?
Principal Skinner: I respect the Ding, Sir!
Superintendent Chalmers: What in God's name are you talking about?
Mrs. Krabappel: Is this the line to rag on the new Principal Skinner?
Marge: If you have eight items or less.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ten, nine, eight! He's a weenie!
Marge: The first Principal Skinner was a weenie too!
Mrs. Krabappel: But he was OUR weenie!
Agnes Skinner: Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son.
Marge: Did you ever tell him that?
Dr. Nick Riviera: This is genuine human hair.
Homer: This is legal, right?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Yeah, sure, whatever.
[Holds up syringe]
Dr. Nick Riviera: This will make the operation go like a beautiful dream.
[knocks Homer unconscious and injects himself. Cuts open Homer's head with a Pizza Slicer]
Homer: What's the matter, can't you afford an icecream?
Kid: Yes, but I'm lactose intolerant.
Homer: Son, I will not stand for intolerance!
Principal Skinner: Today we're doing Coding, moving on from our last educational fad, "Mindfulness". Did anyone work out what that was all about?
Milhouse: Shutting up?
Principal Skinner: Sure, whatever.
Kent Brockman: Tonight we ask "Do Opposites Attract?" as the World's oldest man meets the World's fattest man...
Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for seven years...
Mr Hiccups: Hic! Kill me! Hic! Kill me!
Marge: Just when things were at their lowest...
Grampa: I realised I could make extra money selling my medication to Dead-Heads!
Marge: Grampa, what are you talking about?
Grampa: Er... nothing.
Ranting Streetperson: You can't kill time, son, you got to treasure it! Seize the day! You got any change so I can go and get loaded?
Homer: [Pinchy is nipped by a crab] Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?
Captain McCallister: Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
Marge: Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
Captain McCallister: Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.
Marge: No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Captain McCallister: Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?
Dr Marvin Monroe: [after Grampa's money] I've invented this isolation tank, it's state of the Art!
Grampa: Interesting, how much do you need to build it?
Dr Marvin Monroe: It's already built, that's the beauty part! I just need $200,000 to buy a baby to raise in it. I have this theory he'll grow up maladjusted, harboring a deep resentment towards me!
Grampa: Sounds pretty stupid, but it's the best I've heard so far.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, unleash the League of Evil!
Waylon Smithers: [Opens Secret Panel. The League are all dead]
Mr. Burns: My League! What happened to my beautiful League?
Waylon Smithers: Even Monsters need air, Sir.
Waiter: Yes, he ordered Fugu. I know, I know, if you cut it wrong it's poisonous. But if you cut it right, it can be quite tasty!
Evil Minion 1: Why did you think a Big Balloon would stop people?
Evil Minion 2: Shut up! That's why!
Moe: How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?
Marge: Right, no more TV at all!
Homer: Marge, this is a Noble Experiment, but like Prohibition it's just going to end in a hail of bullets.
Milhouse: [Disguised as Kirk] I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.
Moe: Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.
Groundskeeper Willie: Get yer Haggis! Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Get it while it's hot! Ach!
Beatnik: How now, brown bureaucrat?
Carl: To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!
Moe: Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!
Lenny: To Nothing!
Marge: [Blind date] Please, don't be a freak.
Captain McCallister: [singing in the dark] Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!
Assassin: There is another way to do this, but it is as intricate as a well-played game of Chess...
Jasper: [Machine gun fire] Was that me or you?
Superintendent Chalmers: [tractored from behind by Bart] I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!
Principal Skinner: Holloway? But he's a drunk!
Superintendent Chalmers: And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?
Lunchlady Doris: I get two paychecks this way.
Superintendent Chalmers: D'oh.
Principal Donderlinger: [remedial Science] I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has...
Principal Donderlinger: The bright blue flame shows that this was a particularly sweet donut.
Homer: This is not happening! This is not happening!
Superintendent Chalmers: [Vaudeville] What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"
Principal Skinner: A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.
Agnes Skinner: That's Love, Seymour, and I'm glad you got to see it once before you die.
Principal Skinner: [Loudspeaker] Someone has been distributing counterfeit candy hearts with off colour sentiments on them. I would like to remind you that Valentine's Day is no laughing matter!
Principal Skinner: Writing a Valentine to your sweetheart, Johnny?
Johnny: You betcha!
[Machine-gunned to death]
Principal Skinner: Johnny? Johnny!
[Doesn't realise he's thinking aloud]
Principal Skinner: JOHNNYYYY!
Bart: Cool, I broke his brain!
Homer: [Lost the kids abroad] Will you raise my kids in the Christian tradition?
Foreigner: Well... Coptic Christian.
Lord Widebottom: I Know I'm Alive... But why?
Homer: [Rock Camp] I took some pills I found on the floor and now I'm afraid if I stop talking I'll die.
Cartoonist: I started writing Children's Books because my Cartoon Strips were so filthy that not even the Adult Magazines would publish them.
Luanne: You're not a pawn in my relationship with your father. Is that something your father told you?
Mr Van Houten: Well, maybe with time your lying will stop...
Bart: [funny noise]
Milhouse: Ha! You're funny. And the world needs a clown.
Jetski Douchebag: I hate manatees almost as much as I love tattoos that look like barbed wire!
God: I don't know what you guys did to Him down there, but he's never been the same...
Homer: [trying to send Bart off to school with good advice]
Grampa: [in memory bubble] Homer, you're dull as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood...
Pretzel Vendor: Whenever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
Bart: I got a rapid heartbeat from KrustyBrand Vitamins, but this will not stand!
Mr. Glascock: This is a great day for me. I thought Id never teach again.
Principal Skinner: Well, thinks have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
Milhouse: When she sees I'll do anything she asks, she's bound to respect me!
Milhouse: So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.
Bart: Why are we best friends?
Milhouse: Because our seats were behind each other at School!
Teacher: Ugh, Dead Poet's Society has ruined a Generation of Educators.
Homer: Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society.
Marge: Homer, I couldn't help but overhear you warping Bart's mind...
Sideshow Bob: And despite all the temptations to belong to other nations he remains an Englishman. An Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen GLISH Man.
Marge: I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids.
Homer: I tried drinking in the pantry but you claimed that was antisocial.
Bart: [to Lisa] What are you going to change your name to when you get older?
Principal Skinner: Silent Anger! The cornerstone of a successful marriage...
Mayor Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my Niece from out of town!
Niece: I am your Niece, Uncle Joe!
Mayor Quimby: Oh, Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
Poochie: I know in the past I have been Proactive, and for that I am sorry...
Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.