The Simpsons (1989– )
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony: Hey, wait a minute!
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
Nurse: Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa: But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse: They should have had their fun before they got here!
Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
Homer: Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang: We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Homer: [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy: [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer: Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?
Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
Therapist: You hate your father, don't you?
Homer: The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist: I'm sorry, I was just venting...
Homer: Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa: [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
Care Home Resident: Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Average Nuclear Plant Employee: I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
Kent Brockman: [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
Mrs Lovejoy: [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy: But he's like the Pope of this thing!
Principal Skinner: [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
Mrs Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
Cool New Teacher: This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie: [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher: Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer: We did everything we could for him during the commercials!
Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
Milhouse: [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you?
[the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]
Ned Flanders: [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister: Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
Bart: I don't know why I do what I do
[eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda]
Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.