The Simpsons (1989– )
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: Hey, Weener Boy... where do you think you'e going?
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!