Homer coaches the kids' lacrosse team with Kirk Van Houten, who becomes so needy that Homer rants about him being such a loser. Kirk then disappears just as the team needs him for the championship game.
Lisa becomes livid with Miss Hoover, and in a series of homages to classic Hitchcock sets out for deadly revenge. Next, Krusty's latest fast-food sandwich transforms news anchor Kent Brockman into an enraged zombie and twenty-eight days later, cannibal zombies have overrun Springfield. In the final frightening fable, Homer accidentally falls through a trapdoor in Moe's tavern and impales himself on the pipes of Moe's microbrewery. Moe serves the barflies a glass of delicious beer flavored with Homer's blood and Homer, now half-man, half-brewing apparatus, returns for ...
Bart meets the boy responsible for the greatest prank in Springfield Elementary School history, and discovers that he's now a 19-year-old loser. Meanwhile, Marge is scolded for providing unhealthy snacks for Maggie's play group.
Homer can't tell Marge he won the lottery because he was supposed to be giving a wedding toast when he bought the ticket. But Bart soon finds out where he's hiding the money and begins to blackmail him.
Moe's gruff and abrasive personality makes him the perfect hyper-critical judge, and lands him a spot on American Idol. Meanwhile, Homer makes Marge uncomfortable when he starts spending more time at home with Moe's now closed.