Family Matters (1989–1998)
Laura: How long have we known each other?
Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds... fifteen seconds... sixteen seconds.
Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.
Eddie: Dad you embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Carl: Well, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of a guy named Weasel.
Steve Urkel: [thinking he's playing hide and seek with Laura, Eddie, & Judy and a shower starts running] That shower running doesn't fool me Laura!
[walks into the bathroom]
Rachel Crawford: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Steve Urkel: [runs back into the living room] Sorry Rachel!
Steve Urkel: WOW!
Carl: [after kicking Steve out of the house] And don't you ever come back!
Steve Urkel: What did you say?
Carl: Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.
Steve Urkel: I will not be bullied! I love this lady
Steve Urkel: and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!
Steve Urkel: The woman's been flirting with me.
Waldo: She has?
Steve Urkel: Oh yeah, just last week, she actually telephoned me in the middle of the night.
Eddie: Steve, your house was on fire!
Steve Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.
[Notices no one is there anymore]
Steve Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.
Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Steve Urkel: A date?
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.
Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ... Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
[someone has just smashed into Lt. Murtaugh's classic car]
Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow?
Carl: Yes, I do. Hi mom!
Estelle Winslow: Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway.
[on the afternoon of the Prom]
Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
Curtis: Hi Laura!
Laura: What's wrong?
Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
Curtis: That's Right
Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
Curtis: My grandmother died!
Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
Laura: Poor Curtis
Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom.
Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together.
Maxine Johnson: Bye!
[Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
Eddie: [while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried.
Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.
Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy!
[plugs the cord into the socket]
[Steve just built an atomic bomb]
Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
[Jazzy music playing]
Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?
Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.
Steve Urkel: Have you guys seen Laura?
Waldo: Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake!
Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today.
Waldo: Ohh... Cool.
Steve Urkel: Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Did you think of me while you guys were camping?
Laura: Yeah, every time I used the bug spray.
Steve Urkel: I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. I got a nosebleed at birth. My doctor slapped the wrong end.
[Steve accidentally set off his A-bomb]
Steve Urkel: Don't panic, my love! If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion is in a reinforced basement.
Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you!
Steve Urkel: Good point... PANIC!
Steve Urkel: I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks.
Lt. Murtaugh: You look familiar.
Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?
[after having stepped on Steve's bug]
Carl: Who is Pablo?
Steve Urkel: [Pointing to the floor] Him. And him. And... OOHHH, and him!
Waldo: See anything you like?
Steve Urkel: How much is that one?
Waldo: Forty bucks.
Steve Urkel: I'll give ya thirty.
Steve Urkel: Twenty!
Waldo: Fifteen and that's as high as I'm going.
Steve Urkel: Sold!
Steve Urkel: Edo, cheating is like wearing your grandmother's underpants. Sure, it may cover your hiney, but if you make a habit of it, you've got a serious problem.
Laura: Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?
Steve Urkel: Because, I love you... love you... love you!
Eddie: As a starting forward of the school team, it's my duty to play round ball... not nerd ball.
Steve Urkel: But, I've been practicing and my progress is impressive, even if I do say so myself. And since no one will play with me, I have to say so myself.
Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness.
Steve Urkel: Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo!
Waldo: Okay, but I'm not home.
Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
Laura: Forget it.
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
Laura: In your dreams.
Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.
Steve Urkel: Oh, Laura, my love. The wind has chapped my lips. Would you care to heal them with a kiss?
Carl: I needed a good laugh.
Steve Urkel: You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories?
Carl: Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?
Boyd Higgins: Name's Boyd Higgins, but ym friends call me Buck!
Eddie: Name's Eddie Winslow, but my friends call me... Eddie.
Rodney Beckett: I'm Rodney, but my friends call me Rod-meister.
Steve Urkel: And I'm Steve Urkel! And I don't get many calls!
Steve Urkel: I bought two tickets to a concert that Laura wants to go to and offered to take her as my, get this, date!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ooh, that's nice!
Steve Urkel: Well, no, it's not nice!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It's not?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Are you sure?
Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.
Steve Urkel: I've never tried out for athletics before and the equipment list says that every guy should wear a cup.
Coach Westfield: That's right.
Steve Urkel: Well, I didn't have one. So, is it all right with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.
Carl: What's up?
Steve Urkel: Well, actually, this is Eddie's story. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'
Eddie: That's enough, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Mmmhmm, that's right.
Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Carl: Uh-oh. That's Lt. Murtaugh. This could be an emergency and I'm not even dressed yet!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Carl hasn't moved that fast since he chased a doughnut down hill.
[looking through a vacation pamphlet]
Eddie: Look at those beaches.
Laura: Look a those sunsets.
Rachel Crawford: Look at those men.
Carl: Look at that buffet.
Laura: Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.
Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
Steve Urkel: No biggie!
Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
[Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks]
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang!
Steve Urkel: Laura!... Bazooms!
Carl: Go home, Steve.
Steve Urkel: But Carl...
Carl: Go home, Steve!
Steve Urkel: Now, Big Guy...
Carl: Go home! Go home! Go home!
Steve Urkel: I don't have to take this! I'm going home!
Harriette: [sobbing] Clint is driving off and Meryl will never see him again! Isn't that sad?
Carl: I'll tell you what's sad Harriette, I've watched two full hours of the "Bridges Of Madison County" and Clint didn't blow up one bridge!
Steve Urkel: My "play-ground pass"? How much will that cost me?
Baby Girl: We'll take all you've got.
Steve Urkel: But, that's all I've got!
Laura: Get a life, Steve!
Steve Urkel: All right! This is fantastic!
Laura: What are you so happy about?
Steve Urkel: You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". I'm wearin' you down baby, I'm wearin' you DOWWWWNN!
Laura: Steve Urkel, you are the most annoying human being that I have ever met!
Steve Urkel: [Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. She actually said, "Human Being". She's mine!
Steve Urkel: Oh, Gosh golly, Jeepers Creepers. Should I be getting some Handi-Wipes?
Laura and Maxine: Stay out of this!
Steve Urkel: [while Laura and Maxine hit Steve with two Boston Cream Pies] No, AAH!, WAAAH! And I just got the wax sucked out of my ears!
[Waldo is being cross-examined in court]
Steve Urkel: State your name.
Steve Urkel: No... state your name... not name your state.
Waldo: Oh, Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.
Steve Urkel: [ice pack on his head from a hangover, Carl just told him a story from his drinking days] Eh he he, ow, eh he he ow,
Steve Urkel: WHOOAAOOH! Never snort with a hangover!
Waldo: What are you doing, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: I'm gonna get Urkel!
Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: Because, he humiliated me!
Waldo: But, you humiliate me every day.
Willie Fuffner: [sigh] That's different. You're my friend.
Waldo: Oh yeah.
Steve Urkel: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Crawford: Tightrope walking.
Steve Urkel: Do you know how to do that?
Rachel Crawford: ...No.
[Stefan did not take his "cool boost" for that week - he wants to turn back into Steve]
Laura: How long do you think it'll be?
Stefan Urkelle: Well, it could be a few days, or weeks, or
Stefan Urkelle: any minute now!
Steve Urkel: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting?
Laura: Let me know when Eddie gets back.
[Eddie comes crashing through the living room in the car]
Steve Urkel: [shocked] He's baaaaack!
Steve Urkel: Loving you is like trying to touch a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you have to keep trying.
[just got lemon tart filling thrown at him]
Steve Urkel: Can I have a glass of milk to go with my face?
Waldo: You guys think you can walk all over me because I'm dumb. But I have feelings, too. If you cut me, do I not cough? If you hit me, do I not sneeze? And if you call me names, do I not eat?
Steve Urkel: Danger's my middle name! Well, actually it's Quincy, but you guys get the picture.
Steve Urkel: Uh, Eddie, is this a bad time?
Eddie: Steve, I just got dumped.
Steve Urkel: Oh, good! Then you're free!
[Steve comes out of the freezer at Rachel's Place shivering]
Rachel Crawford: Honey, how long were you in there?
Steve Urkel: L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair... Look!
Rachel Crawford: I'll just take your word for it.
Steve Urkel: I've taken a vow of chastity.
Carl: Steve, you've always been chaste.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, but now I have an excuse.
[dressed as a gangster]
Steve Urkel: How tough am I? When I was born... when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him!
Steve Urkel: Time to count our Christmas cards!... One... Now, let's read it!
[after downing a bottle of diet pills]
Steve Urkel: Hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, oh look, it's Laura!
Steve Urkel: All right, Laura, we'll randeavou at the Isetta.
Laura: The Isetta?
Steve Urkel: That's what I saida!
Eddie: I just did the laundry and I'm on my way out to wash the car and cut the grass.
Carl: Who are you and what have you done with our son?
Harriette: Who cares? Let's keep this one!
Steve Urkel: [on the stage of the strip club] Stop the music! Stop the music!
[music abruptly stops]
Steve Urkel: Look at yourselves. You're acting like animals! There's no justification for this behavior! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Lady in Strip Club: Shut up and shake your booty!
Laura: I was thinking about taking a home economics class so I can learn how to cook
Harriette: What for? I can teach you how to cook.
Laura: That's okay mom.
Harriette: Look why not?
Laura: Remember when you tried to teach me how to sew? You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off.
Harriette: I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a home economics class.
[Steve is eating frozen fish sticks out of the box]
Laura: Steve, you're supposed to cook those!
Steve Urkel: And lose that wonderful ocean flavor?
Carl: Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom?
Steve Urkel: You yelled at me and you called me a butthead!
Carl: Of all the names that I have called you , the one that bothers you is butthead?
Steve Urkel: Yes! It was my nickname in preschool!
Steve Urkel: I... I'm being born! My head pops out! I can see my dad! Whoa, I'm being pushed back in!
Stefan Urkelle: Wake me, shake me, break me, but baby, don't forsake me.
Steve Urkel: I've invented nuclear batteries.
Carl: Where did you get the plutonium?
Steve Urkel: Radio Shack.
Alex Phillips: How 'bout you put your money where your mouth is.
Waldo: Don't do it, Urkel! Money has germs on it.
Harriette: Judy, finish your Brussels sprouts.
Judy Winslow: Brussels sprouts make me wanna puke.
Harriette: At my table, you eat them. Now, what you do on your own time is your business.
Steve Urkel: I have to tell you, Mr. Winslow. When my dad said you fixed me up with Laura; why, I thought I'd wet my pants!
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi Eddie.
Eddie: Urkel, why don't you ever knock?
Steve Urkel: Well, if I did, nobody would ever let me in.
Carl: I just had the worst day of my entire life. I was in a high-speed car chase and ran out of gas.
Steve Urkel: Mmm, steak. You ever been down to the slaughterhouse? It's fascinating. One minute, "Moo!" The next minute... rump roast!
[Making lemon tarts]
Carl: Rachel, you're putting entirely too much filling in those.
Rachel Crawford: I'm what?
[Turns and squirts filling on Carl's shirt]
Carl: You shot your bag at me!
Laura: We're not going anywhere. Uh, we're, uh, playin' hide and seek!
Eddie: Hide and seek! That's it!
Steve Urkel: Oh great! My parents play this with me all the time! Once, I found them in Milwaukee living under an assumed name!
Laura: Every time we order another course, you bring your chair closer.
Steve Urkel: I can't help it, Laura. I'm drawn to you. Like a moth to a flame. A bee to a blossom. A mouse to cheese!
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Laura: Urkel, don't you ever knock?
Steve Urkel: No, I don't like to disturb anyone.
Eddie: If I don't pull at least a C on my midterm exam, I'm gonna flunk Algebra.
Laura: I thought dad was a math wiz.
Eddie: He is.
Laura: Then what's the problem?
Eddie: I'm the one who's taking the test.
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Estelle Winslow: Hi honey.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, did it ever occur to you that when the door is closed we're trying to keep unwanted people out?
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'd better lock it then!
Steve Urkel: It wasn't that play that cost you the championship. It was your free safety. I mean the guy's a feeb. The man was open all day! He couldn't cover his head with his hat.
Ken: [Grabbing Steve by the collar] THAT FEEB YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WAS ME!
Steve Urkel: Actually, it was my dad who said that. He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.
Ken: You make me wanna puke! You know that?
Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy?
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody! Got anything in the fridge?
Laura: Urkel, don't your parents feed you?
Steve Urkel: Not everyday.
Carl: Rachel, Carl was my great grandfather's name and there is no way that I'm gonna change it.
Estelle Winslow: Your great grandfather's name was Lester. Carl was his horse.
Eddie: I don't see what getting beat up is gonna prove.
Steve Urkel: That's because you don't know what it's like being small. No one's ever called you 'shrimp'. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class sign. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. I mean, I'm a fast runner, Eddie, but sooner or later, you just gotta stop running.
Steve Urkel: Ready, my sweet? Our limo awaits.
Harriette: You rented a limo?
Steve Urkel: No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. He's gonna drive us tonight. We only have to make one quick delivery.
Steve Urkel: I had my first allergy attack when I was nine. I was on the bus on the way to day camp when all of a sudden my eyes started to water and I started coughing up all this green stuff. Or was it yellow? Mucus comes in so many colors.
Eddie: Steve, I'm tryin' to eat.
Steve Urkel: What'd I say?
[bringing Steve over]
Carl: He's all yours.
Laura: Well, he's all yours, Eddie.
Steve Urkel: Face it. You're stuck.
Carl: Hi, honey.
Harriette: Hi sweetie. How was your day?
Carl: Rough. I just spend two hours talking a guy off a ledge, then found out he was a window washer.
Steve Urkel: Carl, I brought the notes to go over with Laura.
Carl: Uh, she's in the shower.
Steve Urkel: Thanks.
[heads for the stairs - Carl grabs him by his suspenders]
Steve Urkel: I almost got ya there, Carl.
Harriette: Better add zucchini to that shopping list.
Judy Winslow: [writing] Z-U-K
Judy Winslow: Z-O-O-K
Harriette: Uh uh.
Judy Winslow: Let's get corn instead.
Carl: You know, bowling was a great idea. I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week.
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Carl: I just thought of a reason.
Steve Urkel: Laura? Laura, please. Please, my little Rapunzel.
Laura: For the last time, Steve. I will not give you a lock of my hair.
Steve Urkel: I'll settle for a toenail clipping!
Laura: How can you be so disgusting?
Steve Urkel: It's a gift!
Steve Urkel: Have you ever had a date?
Waldo: I got close once. I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny.
Steve Urkel: You mean Hickey Vicky?
Waldo: Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I barfed all over her shoes.
Ms. Steuben: Waldo! What a turkey!
Waldo: Hey, you don't have to like my cookin', but, please, don't call me names!
Harriette: Laura! This oven is on 550.
Laura: Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. So, I figured if I doubled the temperature, I could cook it in half the time.
Steve Urkel: [cracks up] Oh, that's rich! That's one for the books! Oh! How could a girl so smart do something so... so... So long!
Steve Urkel: Why, I can see the headlines now! "Nubbles Sucks Face with Nerd!"
Cassie Lynn: You wouldn't.
Steve Urkel: Would.
Cassie Lynn: You couldn't.
Steve Urkel: Could.
Cassie Lynn: But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.
Steve Urkel: Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!
Baby Girl: You couldn't push me out of this park if you wanted to!
Steve Urkel: Not without a forklift.
Laura: Dad, you're exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it.
Carl: I am... not. But just to be sure, I'm going downstairs to check the dictionary.