Family Matters (1989–1998)
Steve Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura: On one condition.
Steve Urkel: What's that.
Laura: That you'll never go into outer space again
Steve Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]
Waldo: Cheating it wrong, Eddie, and you should know that. I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them!
Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him.
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!
Harriette: What's goin' on down here and why do I smell cinnamon flavored smoke?
Steve Urkel: Well, ya see, we had a little muffin mayhem. A small gastronomic goof up. A minor Betty Crocker boo boo.
Harriette: Laura, translate.
Waldo: Laura, I know I'm just wasting my time, but would you like to... kinda, maybe... go out with me, sorta, tomorrow night, maybe?
Steve Urkel: Now, let him down easy.
Laura: Sure, Waldo.
Steve Urkel: NOT THAT EASY!
Steve Urkel: Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus.
Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that?
Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough.
Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.
Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.
Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!
Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."
Laura: I couldn't have done this without you.
Steve Urkel: Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.
Laura: You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.
Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.
Laura: Well, I admire you for that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.
Laura: How long have we known each other?
Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds... fifteen seconds... sixteen seconds.
Lt. Murtaugh: I dropped the, uh, nerd off next door at the, uh, nerd house. His parents were very upset.
Carl: Why? Because he was in jail?
Lt. Murtaugh: No, because I brought him back.
Steve Urkel: Ms Steuben, you taught Laura to slow down and stop taking short cuts. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. And, my God, look what you've done to Waldo. Do you have any idea how much you changed him?
Ms. Steuben: Well, I guess he's changed a little.
Steve Urkel: A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.
Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.
Cassie Lynn: Look, Becky Sue. Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race.
Laura: What are you talkin' about?
Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.
Steve Urkel: What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.
Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.
Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.
Steve Urkel: But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.
Cassie Lynn: That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.
Laura: You wouldn't dare.
Cassie Lynn: Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.
Steve Urkel: Why you...
[Both leave laughing]
Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!
Laura: Steve. Steve! STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Wha-at?
Laura: Will you calm down?
Steve Urkel: Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!
Laura: I know!
Steve Urkel: Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?
Eddie: Dad you embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Carl: Well, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of a guy named Weasel.
Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any paper work.
Eddie: What do you mean Steve?
Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked.
Steve Urkel: You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. Why, you teach us things about life!
Ms. Steuben: Oh, you really think so?
Steve Urkel: Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.
Cassie Lynn: All's fair in love and politics.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I am so glad you said that!
[Grabs and kisses her. Eddie swoops in and starts taking pictures]
Cassie Lynn: Eww! Yuck! Ick!
Steve Urkel: Well, the earth didn't exactly move for me either!
Steve Urkel: Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?
Laura: I'd love it, but...
Steve Urkel: Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?
Laura: Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.
Ms. Steuben: I'm going to give you an A.
Waldo: [pause] Wow! Could you write that A down on a piece of paper? I wanna take it home and read it to my mom.
[after Steve's Urk-yeast exploded all over the room]
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I told the janitor about our little problem here.
Ms. Steuben: Is he coming?
Steve Urkel: Uh... no. He opted ofr early retirement.
Steve Urkel: Steve Urkel! Muskrat Time! Sorry I'm late, but I got my tongue stuck in the printing press.
Steve Urkel: Waldo, how could you do this to me?
Waldo: I'm sorry, Steve. I know how you feel about Laura. But, like they say in the movie "Love Story"... 'Love means never having to say I'm sorry Steve, but I'm takin' yo chick'.
Ms. Steuben: Listen, now, you tried as hard as you could and I'm gonna be generous and give you a C.
Steve Urkel: A what? A what?
Ms. Steuben: A C. A C!
Steve Urkel: But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.
Ms. Steuben: So?
Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!
Ms. Steuben: Get a hold of yourself, Steven.
Steve Urkel: I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!
Steve Urkel: [thinking he's playing hide and seek with Laura, Eddie, & Judy and a shower starts running] That shower running doesn't fool me Laura!
[walks into the bathroom]
Rachel Crawford: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Steve Urkel: [runs back into the living room] Sorry Rachel!
Steve Urkel: WOW!
Steve Urkel: Waldo, is everything okay?
Waldo: No, it's not.
Steve Urkel: Well, what's the matter?
Waldo: I can't talk to girls. Every time I'm around them, my mind goes blank. Can you imagine that?
Steve Urkel: Actually, yes!
Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. Just as I thought. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any important paper work.
Eddie: What do you mean Steve?
Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked.
[after putting out Laura's oven fire]
Steve Urkel: You're safe now, Missy.
Laura: Thank you, Steve. Now, I'm gonna give you a compliment. But, it's only a compliment and it doesn't mean anything more than that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I understand.
Laura: You did good.
Steve Urkel: You love me, don't you?
Steve Urkel: Now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your number one reject?
Laura: Sure, Steve. There's no one I wanna say no to more than you.
Steve Urkel: Whoa! We have liftoff!
Steve Urkel: You're a wonderful teacher.
Ms. Steuben: No, I'm a nervous teacher! I have a muscle in my forehead that will not stop jerking!
Steve Urkel: Well, look at his poor, pathetic face. He's so sad he could depress Richard Simmons.
Steve Urkel: Don't we remind you of The Temptations?
Laura: No! More like The Repulsions.
Waldo: Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!
Carl: What? I'm on duty? Well, why didn't you tell me?
Harriette: I posted the schedule, Carl!
Carl: Well, I didn't see it, Harriette!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Well, how did you miss it? It was right in your favorite spot.
Carl: And where's that?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: The refrigerator.
Carl: [after kicking Steve out of the house] And don't you ever come back!
Steve Urkel: What did you say?
Carl: Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.
Steve Urkel: I will not be bullied! I love this lady
Steve Urkel: and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!
[On the phone]
Laura: Steve, I can't talk now. I'm cooking breakfast. No, you're not invited. It's just for the family... Steve... stop begging.
Carl: This baby has a remote. I'll be in all the videos.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Then, you'll need a wide-angle lense.
Steve Urkel: The woman's been flirting with me.
Waldo: She has?
Steve Urkel: Oh yeah, just last week, she actually telephoned me in the middle of the night.
Eddie: Steve, your house was on fire!
Ms. Steuben: All right, class. This semester we're... Steven, you'd better get going. You're late for class.
Steve Urkel: Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.
Ms. Steuben: That's... that's not funny, Steven.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'?
Ms. Steuben: Uh, excuse us... just a minute.
[Pulls Steve to other side of room]
Ms. Steuben: Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!
Steve Urkel: Well, yes, I did.
Ms. Steuben: But... here you are. It's not fair.
Laura: I mean it, Waldo. You have a lot of qualitites girls really go for.
Waldo: I do? Like what?
Laura: [Long pause] Your looks. I mean, you... are... very...
Laura: Let's just put it this way... You have the perfect face for your head.
Steve Urkel: Yeah?
Laura: What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.
Steve Urkel: You mean, you want to kiss me?
Laura: I didn't say that.
Steve Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.
[Notices no one is there anymore]
Steve Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.
Carl: Okay, you read the instructions, while I add all the pieces.
Steve Urkel: Okay.
Steve Urkel: "Mongu! Chico! Mondo do du chok! Wa chee! Chocum hi chip chok!"
Carl: What are you babbling about?
Steve Urkel: This page is in Korean. They misspelled three words.
Carl: You can read Korean?
Steve Urkel: Why, sure! It's a beautiful language. I'll teach you. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. "No mo giet itsu mana! Mont gio sam eea!"
Carl: Well, what's that mean?
Steve Urkel: I've fallen and I can't get up!
[Steve thinks Rachel is in love with him, but she is really in love with another man named Steve]
Rachel Crawford: Oh, hi Steve.
Rachel Crawford: How are you?
Steve Urkel: Mm-fine!
Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?
Steve Urkel: A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?
Rachel Crawford: Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, are you sure you're okay?
[Goes to feel his head]
Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!
Rachel Crawford: Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?
Steve Urkel: Do I have to?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.
Steve Urkel: [Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.
Rachel Crawford: How 'bout double the usual?
Steve Urkel: The usual? Well... oh-okay.
Rachel Crawford: Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here.
[Pulls him into a hug]
Rachel Crawford: [He faints]
Rachel Crawford: Steve? Steve, what happened?
Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!
Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Steve Urkel: A date?
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.
Laura: Gee, Steve... Your baby shoes, your grandmother's denchers, fish jam; and I didn't get a thing for you.
Waldo: Hey, whatcha gonna do, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: I'm gonna trash Urkel's locker!
Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: Because, it's Tuesday.
Carl: So, uh, what's goin' on?
Steve Urkel: Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie borrowed money from me. I'm playing Boyd double or nothing. I was kickin' butt. Boyd broke my glasses. Five hundred on the line. Can't see a darn thing.
Carl: Nice summery.
Clarence: Yo, you a serious little nerd.
Steve Urkel: No, I AM a serious little nerd. You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences.
Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ... Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
Steve Urkel: To be quite honest, Fuffner; I'd written you off as being incorrigible.
Willie Fuffner: What did he say?
Waldo: He called you a gerbil.
Laura: Where did you get the money for this?
Steve Urkel: From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them!
Eddie: What's that?
Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?
Eddie: A really... big negative?
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?
Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!
Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before.
Eddie: I did good, huh?
Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart!
[someone has just smashed into Lt. Murtaugh's classic car]
Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow?
Carl: Yes, I do. Hi mom!
Estelle Winslow: Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway.
[on the afternoon of the Prom]
Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
Curtis: Hi Laura!
Laura: What's wrong?
Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
Curtis: That's Right
Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
Curtis: My grandmother died!
Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
Laura: Poor Curtis
Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom.
Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together.
Maxine Johnson: Bye!
[Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
Dexter Thornhill: [after being found guilty at Urkel's trial] Darn you Urkel, Darn you to Heck!
Eddie: [while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried.
Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.
Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy!
[plugs the cord into the socket]
Judy Winslow: Mom, when's dinner? We're starved.
Harriette: Soon, baby. Your dad's runnin' late.
Laura: Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke!
Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?
Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow?
Estelle Winslow: What, Honey?
Rachel Crawford: When you... when you...
Estelle Winslow: Bite the big one?
Rachel Crawford: Right. Would you rather be buried or cremated?
Estelle Winslow: Surprise me.
[Steve just built an atomic bomb]
Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
Laura: He started it.
Eddie: How did I start it?
Laura: By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.
Lt. Murtaugh: They're sending in that Urkel kid.
Carl: What? We've got cheerleaders taller than him.
Carl: Typical. It is always tomorrow with that boy. "Clean up your room, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Take out the trash, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Pass the salt, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!"
[goes to the refrigerator]
Carl: No root beer? When are you going to the store?
Harriette: Tomorrow, Dear.
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry.
Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.
Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame.
Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?
Steve Urkel: No.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.
Harriette: How's the book?
Judy Winslow: Boring. Look how big and thick it is!
Harriette: [Reading] Swiss Family Robinson!
Judy Winslow: Who wants to read about cheese?
[Jazzy music playing]
Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.
Eddie: That thing is so ugly.
Steve Urkel: Shh. Pablo's bilingual!
Waldo: Excuse me, but I don't wanna hear about a bug's sex life.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?
Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.
Chain: It occurs to me that you could be wired.
Steve Urkel: Oh no! Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I...
Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired!
Steve Urkel: Have you guys seen Laura?
Waldo: Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake!
Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today.
Waldo: Ohh... Cool.
Steve Urkel: Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Did you think of me while you guys were camping?
Laura: Yeah, every time I used the bug spray.
Eddie: I'm sorry, Steve. We'll go camping together some other time. Just you and me. I promise, okay?
Steve Urkel: Okay.
Eddie: All right.
[goes to leave]
Steve Urkel: ...No, it's not okay! Eddie Winslow, front and center! Newsflash, Eddie! I have feelings. Inside this scrawny chest, there beats a heart. A heart that hurts. And the reason it hurts is because I've tried very hard to be your friend and all you've done is take advantage of me. Well, that's gonna stop right now! I'm not your personal doormat.
[pointing to Laura]
Steve Urkel: I'm her doormat!
Laura: [seductively] Hi, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Hi, Laura,
Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Steve Urkel: [confused] Really?
Laura: Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Steve Urkel: Thank you.
Laura: [grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.
Steve Urkel: [dropping his bowling ball and hyperventilating]
Carl: Steve? Steve?
Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!
Waldo: Thanks for helping me find the gym.
Steve Urkel: Don't feel bad. It's Monday! You had two whole days to forget where it was.
Carl: What's wrong, honey?
Laura: Science class. I'm in big trouble! I may get a B.
Carl: I got a B once. I framed it.
Laura: Dad, this is serious. I can't afford a B on my permanent record. From now on, no parties and no TV. In fact, I'm grounded.
Laura: Don't argue. Someday, I'll thank myself for this.
Rodney Beckett: Can I hurt him?
Eddie: Not in the house.
Rodney Beckett: Steve, come on outside. I wanna show you something.
Steve Urkel: Wa-uh!
Steve Urkel: Now, relax, Eddie. You had an accident. Carl will understand.
Eddie: Right. Dad will understand.
Carl: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?
Harriette: Carl! Carl, calm down!
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room.
Harriette: Yes, I know that.
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room!
Harriette: Carl, don't overreact.
Carl: Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is.
Rachel Crawford: It's almost impossible to find a job these days.
Laura: [running in] Guess what? I just got a job!
Steve Urkel: Aaah! Aaaah!
Rachel Crawford: It's okay, Steve. I'm here.
Steve Urkel: I know! You're standing on my finger!
Steve Urkel: I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. I got a nosebleed at birth. My doctor slapped the wrong end.
[Steve is wasted]
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!
Eddie: Only wimps give in to pain.
Harriette: Come on, sweetie, let's get you home and then I can put some antiseptic on those cuts.
Eddie: Mom, that stuff stings!
[Performing Romeo and Juliet]
Laura: Doth thou love me? Oh, gentle Romeo, if thou doth love, pronounce it faithfully.
Steve Urkel: [Climbs over the balcony and falls] Oh! Ouchith!
Laura: [whispering] Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [whispering] I bent my dagger.
Rachel Crawford: Maybe you could come back when your voice has changed.
Steve Urkel: It already did.
Laura: So, Myrtle, how long are you gonna be around?
Myrtle Urkel: Oh, just two weeks. My parents would only take Steve if Steve's parents promised to take me.
Rachel Crawford: Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program?
Myrtle Urkel: Exactly, honey!
Steve Urkel: You know what, Laura? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak.
Laura: Steve, that's not true.
Steve Urkel: It isn't?
Laura: No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, name a couple.
Laura: Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...
Steve Urkel: I said 'a couple'.
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody! Welcome to Leroy's!
Steve Urkel: Menu, menu, menu, menu, menu.
Carl: Uh, just bring us burgers and fries.
Steve Urkel: [collecting] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Rachel Crawford: Can you make him quack like a duck every time the phone rings?
Dr. Goodrich: Ms. Crawford, I am a medical doctor, not a carnival act!
Rachel Crawford: [to Harriette] He's not gonna make him quack.
Rachel Crawford: Poor Laura.
Harriette: What do you mean?
Rachel Crawford: The balcony scene is next. You think she'll really kiss Steve?
Harriette: I don't know. Every time I ask her about it, she just cries and takes another Rolaid.
[Steve accidentally set off his A-bomb]
Steve Urkel: Don't panic, my love! If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion is in a reinforced basement.
Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you!
Steve Urkel: Good point... PANIC!
Steve Urkel: I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks.
Lt. Murtaugh: You look familiar.
Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?
[after having stepped on Steve's bug]
Carl: Who is Pablo?
Steve Urkel: [Pointing to the floor] Him. And him. And... OOHHH, and him!
Waldo: See anything you like?
Steve Urkel: How much is that one?
Waldo: Forty bucks.
Steve Urkel: I'll give ya thirty.
Steve Urkel: Twenty!
Waldo: Fifteen and that's as high as I'm going.
Steve Urkel: Sold!
Laura: Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?
Steve Urkel: Because, I love you... love you... love you!
Steve Urkel: Edo, cheating is like wearing your grandmother's underpants. Sure, it may cover your hiney, but if you make a habit of it, you've got a serious problem.
Eddie: As a starting forward of the school team, it's my duty to play round ball... not nerd ball.
Steve Urkel: But, I've been practicing and my progress is impressive, even if I do say so myself. And since no one will play with me, I have to say so myself.
Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
Laura: Forget it.
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
Laura: In your dreams.
Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.
Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness.
Steve Urkel: Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo!
Waldo: Okay, but I'm not home.
Carl: I needed a good laugh.
Steve Urkel: You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories?
Carl: Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?
Steve Urkel: Oh, Laura, my love. The wind has chapped my lips. Would you care to heal them with a kiss?
Boyd Higgins: Name's Boyd Higgins, but ym friends call me Buck!
Eddie: Name's Eddie Winslow, but my friends call me... Eddie.
Rodney Beckett: I'm Rodney, but my friends call me Rod-meister.
Steve Urkel: And I'm Steve Urkel! And I don't get many calls!
Steve Urkel: I bought two tickets to a concert that Laura wants to go to and offered to take her as my, get this, date!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ooh, that's nice!
Steve Urkel: Well, no, it's not nice!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It's not?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Are you sure?
Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.
Steve Urkel: I've never tried out for athletics before and the equipment list says that every guy should wear a cup.
Coach Westfield: That's right.
Steve Urkel: Well, I didn't have one. So, is it all right with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.
Carl: What's up?
Steve Urkel: Well, actually, this is Eddie's story. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'
Eddie: That's enough, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Mmmhmm, that's right.
Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Carl: Uh-oh. That's Lt. Murtaugh. This could be an emergency and I'm not even dressed yet!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Carl hasn't moved that fast since he chased a doughnut down hill.
[looking through a vacation pamphlet]
Eddie: Look at those beaches.
Laura: Look a those sunsets.
Rachel Crawford: Look at those men.
Carl: Look at that buffet.
Laura: Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.
Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
Steve Urkel: No biggie!
[Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks]
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang!
Steve Urkel: Laura!... Bazooms!
Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
Carl: Go home, Steve.
Steve Urkel: But Carl...
Carl: Go home, Steve!
Steve Urkel: Now, Big Guy...
Carl: Go home! Go home! Go home!
Steve Urkel: I don't have to take this! I'm going home!
Steve Urkel: My "play-ground pass"? How much will that cost me?
Baby Girl: We'll take all you've got.
Steve Urkel: But, that's all I've got!
Harriette: [sobbing] Clint is driving off and Meryl will never see him again! Isn't that sad?
Carl: I'll tell you what's sad Harriette, I've watched two full hours of the "Bridges Of Madison County" and Clint didn't blow up one bridge!
Laura: Get a life, Steve!
Steve Urkel: All right! This is fantastic!
Laura: What are you so happy about?
Steve Urkel: You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". I'm wearin' you down baby, I'm wearin' you DOWWWWNN!
Laura: Steve Urkel, you are the most annoying human being that I have ever met!
Steve Urkel: [Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. She actually said, "Human Being". She's mine!
Steve Urkel: Oh, Gosh golly, Jeepers Creepers. Should I be getting some Handi-Wipes?
Laura and Maxine: Stay out of this!
Steve Urkel: [while Laura and Maxine hit Steve with two Boston Cream Pies] No, AAH!, WAAAH! And I just got the wax sucked out of my ears!
[Waldo is being cross-examined in court]
Steve Urkel: State your name.
Steve Urkel: No... state your name... not name your state.
Waldo: Oh, Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.
Steve Urkel: [ice pack on his head from a hangover, Carl just told him a story from his drinking days] Eh he he, ow, eh he he ow,
Steve Urkel: WHOOAAOOH! Never snort with a hangover!
Waldo: What are you doing, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: I'm gonna get Urkel!
Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: Because, he humiliated me!
Waldo: But, you humiliate me every day.
Willie Fuffner: [sigh] That's different. You're my friend.
Waldo: Oh yeah.
Steve Urkel: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Crawford: Tightrope walking.
Steve Urkel: Do you know how to do that?
Rachel Crawford: ...No.
Steve Urkel: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting?
Laura: Let me know when Eddie gets back.
[Eddie comes crashing through the living room in the car]
Steve Urkel: [shocked] He's baaaaack!
[Stefan did not take his "cool boost" for that week - he wants to turn back into Steve]
Laura: How long do you think it'll be?
Stefan Urkelle: Well, it could be a few days, or weeks, or
Stefan Urkelle: any minute now!
[just got lemon tart filling thrown at him]
Steve Urkel: Can I have a glass of milk to go with my face?
Steve Urkel: Loving you is like trying to touch a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you have to keep trying.
Waldo: You guys think you can walk all over me because I'm dumb. But I have feelings, too. If you cut me, do I not cough? If you hit me, do I not sneeze? And if you call me names, do I not eat?
Steve Urkel: Danger's my middle name! Well, actually it's Quincy, but you guys get the picture.
[Steve comes out of the freezer at Rachel's Place shivering]
Rachel Crawford: Honey, how long were you in there?
Steve Urkel: L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair... Look!
Rachel Crawford: I'll just take your word for it.
Steve Urkel: Uh, Eddie, is this a bad time?
Eddie: Steve, I just got dumped.
Steve Urkel: Oh, good! Then you're free!
[dressed as a gangster]
Steve Urkel: How tough am I? When I was born... when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him!
Steve Urkel: I've taken a vow of chastity.
Carl: Steve, you've always been chaste.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, but now I have an excuse.
Steve Urkel: Time to count our Christmas cards!... One... Now, let's read it!
[after downing a bottle of diet pills]
Steve Urkel: Hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, oh look, it's Laura!
Steve Urkel: All right, Laura, we'll randeavou at the Isetta.
Laura: The Isetta?
Steve Urkel: That's what I saida!
Eddie: I just did the laundry and I'm on my way out to wash the car and cut the grass.
Carl: Who are you and what have you done with our son?
Harriette: Who cares? Let's keep this one!
Steve Urkel: [on the stage of the strip club] Stop the music! Stop the music!
[music abruptly stops]
Steve Urkel: Look at yourselves. You're acting like animals! There's no justification for this behavior! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Lady in Strip Club: Shut up and shake your booty!
Laura: I was thinking about taking a home economics class so I can learn how to cook
Harriette: What for? I can teach you how to cook.
Laura: That's okay mom.
Harriette: Look why not?
Laura: Remember when you tried to teach me how to sew? You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off.
Harriette: I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a home economics class.
[Steve is eating frozen fish sticks out of the box]
Laura: Steve, you're supposed to cook those!
Steve Urkel: And lose that wonderful ocean flavor?
Carl: Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom?
Steve Urkel: You yelled at me and you called me a butthead!
Carl: Of all the names that I have called you , the one that bothers you is butthead?
Steve Urkel: Yes! It was my nickname in preschool!
Steve Urkel: I... I'm being born! My head pops out! I can see my dad! Whoa, I'm being pushed back in!
Stefan Urkelle: Wake me, shake me, break me, but baby, don't forsake me.
Steve Urkel: I've invented nuclear batteries.
Carl: Where did you get the plutonium?
Steve Urkel: Radio Shack.
Alex Phillips: How 'bout you put your money where your mouth is.
Waldo: Don't do it, Urkel! Money has germs on it.
Harriette: Judy, finish your Brussels sprouts.
Judy Winslow: Brussels sprouts make me wanna puke.
Harriette: At my table, you eat them. Now, what you do on your own time is your business.
Steve Urkel: I have to tell you, Mr. Winslow. When my dad said you fixed me up with Laura; why, I thought I'd wet my pants!
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi Eddie.
Eddie: Urkel, why don't you ever knock?
Steve Urkel: Well, if I did, nobody would ever let me in.
Carl: I just had the worst day of my entire life. I was in a high-speed car chase and ran out of gas.
Steve Urkel: Mmm, steak. You ever been down to the slaughterhouse? It's fascinating. One minute, "Moo!" The next minute... rump roast!
[Making lemon tarts]
Carl: Rachel, you're putting entirely too much filling in those.
Rachel Crawford: I'm what?
[Turns and squirts filling on Carl's shirt]
Carl: You shot your bag at me!
Laura: We're not going anywhere. Uh, we're, uh, playin' hide and seek!
Eddie: Hide and seek! That's it!
Steve Urkel: Oh great! My parents play this with me all the time! Once, I found them in Milwaukee living under an assumed name!
Laura: Every time we order another course, you bring your chair closer.
Steve Urkel: I can't help it, Laura. I'm drawn to you. Like a moth to a flame. A bee to a blossom. A mouse to cheese!
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Laura: Urkel, don't you ever knock?
Steve Urkel: No, I don't like to disturb anyone.
Eddie: If I don't pull at least a C on my midterm exam, I'm gonna flunk Algebra.
Laura: I thought dad was a math wiz.
Eddie: He is.
Laura: Then what's the problem?
Eddie: I'm the one who's taking the test.
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Estelle Winslow: Hi honey.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, did it ever occur to you that when the door is closed we're trying to keep unwanted people out?
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'd better lock it then!
Steve Urkel: It wasn't that play that cost you the championship. It was your free safety. I mean the guy's a feeb. The man was open all day! He couldn't cover his head with his hat.
Ken: [Grabbing Steve by the collar] THAT FEEB YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WAS ME!
Steve Urkel: Actually, it was my dad who said that. He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.
Ken: You make me wanna puke! You know that?
Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy?
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody! Got anything in the fridge?
Laura: Urkel, don't your parents feed you?
Steve Urkel: Not everyday.
Carl: Rachel, Carl was my great grandfather's name and there is no way that I'm gonna change it.
Estelle Winslow: Your great grandfather's name was Lester. Carl was his horse.
Eddie: I don't see what getting beat up is gonna prove.
Steve Urkel: That's because you don't know what it's like being small. No one's ever called you 'shrimp'. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class sign. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. I mean, I'm a fast runner, Eddie, but sooner or later, you just gotta stop running.
Steve Urkel: Ready, my sweet? Our limo awaits.
Harriette: You rented a limo?
Steve Urkel: No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. He's gonna drive us tonight. We only have to make one quick delivery.
Steve Urkel: I had my first allergy attack when I was nine. I was on the bus on the way to day camp when all of a sudden my eyes started to water and I started coughing up all this green stuff. Or was it yellow? Mucus comes in so many colors.
Eddie: Steve, I'm tryin' to eat.
Steve Urkel: What'd I say?
[bringing Steve over]
Carl: He's all yours.
Laura: Well, he's all yours, Eddie.
Steve Urkel: Face it. You're stuck.
Carl: Hi, honey.
Harriette: Hi sweetie. How was your day?
Carl: Rough. I just spend two hours talking a guy off a ledge, then found out he was a window washer.
Steve Urkel: Carl, I brought the notes to go over with Laura.
Carl: Uh, she's in the shower.
Steve Urkel: Thanks.
[heads for the stairs - Carl grabs him by his suspenders]
Steve Urkel: I almost got ya there, Carl.
Harriette: Better add zucchini to that shopping list.
Judy Winslow: [writing] Z-U-K
Judy Winslow: Z-O-O-K
Harriette: Uh uh.
Judy Winslow: Let's get corn instead.
Carl: You know, bowling was a great idea. I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week.
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody!
Carl: I just thought of a reason.
Steve Urkel: Laura? Laura, please. Please, my little Rapunzel.
Laura: For the last time, Steve. I will not give you a lock of my hair.
Steve Urkel: I'll settle for a toenail clipping!
Laura: How can you be so disgusting?
Steve Urkel: It's a gift!
Steve Urkel: Have you ever had a date?
Waldo: I got close once. I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny.
Steve Urkel: You mean Hickey Vicky?
Waldo: Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I barfed all over her shoes.
Ms. Steuben: Waldo! What a turkey!
Waldo: Hey, you don't have to like my cookin', but, please, don't call me names!
Harriette: Laura! This oven is on 550.
Laura: Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. So, I figured if I doubled the temperature, I could cook it in half the time.
Steve Urkel: [cracks up] Oh, that's rich! That's one for the books! Oh! How could a girl so smart do something so... so... So long!
Steve Urkel: Why, I can see the headlines now! "Nubbles Sucks Face with Nerd!"
Cassie Lynn: You wouldn't.
Steve Urkel: Would.
Cassie Lynn: You couldn't.
Steve Urkel: Could.
Cassie Lynn: But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.
Steve Urkel: Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!
Baby Girl: You couldn't push me out of this park if you wanted to!
Steve Urkel: Not without a forklift.
Laura: Dad, you're exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it.
Carl: I am... not. But just to be sure, I'm going downstairs to check the dictionary.
Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel
[prom guests gasp]
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
[Prom Guests Gasp]
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
[laughs and snorts]