Murphy: WELL. The belted earl has spoken. All I see are hired thieves.
John Tunstill: These boys are promising young men acquiring an education.
Murphy: Well, I've had you pegged as the type that likes... educatin' young men.
[decides to ride with his outlaw gang rather than stay with his bride on his wedding night]
Charley Bowdre: It ain't easy having pals.
Yen Sun: You look like trouble.
Doc: Trouble? I'm a poet, with flowers of all things.
Yen Sun: And a gun... it's a big gun.
Doc: It's a big town. Come on Yin, all I want is a chance.
Richard Brewer: Papers can't do anything right.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Did you guys see the size of that chicken?
Charley Bowdre: Hey, Chavez, how come they ain't killing us?
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Because we're in the spirit world, asshole. They can't see us.
William H. Bonney: Reap the whirlwind, Brady. Reap it.
William H. Bonney: If we're caught, we're gonna hang... But there's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip.
William H. Bonney: You know, Sir, I do admire you, and I sure would like to touch the gun that's gonna kill Billy the Kid.
William H. Bonney: "Dear Governor Axtell. I've heard that you will give 200 dollars for my head. Perhaps we should meet and talk. I am at the Juarez village at the border. Send 3 men, and instruct them not to shoot, as I am unarmed. In short, Sir; I surrender. Your obedient servant William H. Bonney. PS: I changed my mind. Kiss my ass."
Alex McSween: I'm not leaving my house.
William H. Bonney: Alex, if you stay they're gonna kill you. And then I'm gonna have to to go around and kill all the guys who killed you. That's a lot of killing.
[the "Regulators" are surrounded by 20-30 men in Alex McSween's house]
Doc: Billy, what are we gonna do now?
William H. Bonney: We're gonna show these guys they've finally met their match.
[When the cavalry arrives]
Doc: Billy, we're good, but this is getting ridiculous.
William H. Bonney: I like these odds...
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Damn good riding with you, Chavez.
Chavez: Many nights, my friend... Many nights I've put a blade to your throat while you were sleeping. Glad I never killed you, Steve. You're all right...
[Steve is laughing at Bonney at the dinner table]
John Tunstall: What do you find funny, Steven? That's no proper table manners.
Charley Bowdre: He's got a way with hogs.
John Tunstall: Congratulations, Charles. You and Steven will be doing the dirty crockery alone this evening.
Charley Bowdre: Sorry, John. It just struck me funny.
John Tunstall: And to William, both of you.
Charley Bowdre: Apologies, Billy. We was just hacking on you.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Yeah, we was just hacking on you.
Richard Brewer: Rumor has it you killed a man, Billy. You don't seem like the killing sort.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Yeah, Billy. What'd you kill him for?
William H. Bonney: He was hacking on me.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: There are people who will never secede...
John Tunstall: Succeed.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: Who will never succeed anywhere.
Richard Brewer: There's a whole roomful right here.
William H. Bonney: Hey, Peppin. I see you got Charley Crawford down there with you.
Peppin: Yeah, that's right, Bonney. We got a whole -
[Bonney goes to the window and shoots Charley Crawford]
William H. Bonney: Hey, Peppin. Charley Crawford's not with you anymore.
Charley Bowdre: Did you know pigs is as smart as dogs? It's true. I knew this guy in El Capitan who taught his pig to bark at strangers.
Charley Bowdre: Hey Kenney, you bastard. It's you and I.
Charley Bowdre: Hey, you ain't no regulator, boy. You just stay here with the pork. They're smarter than you anyway; you might learn something.
'Dirty Steve' Stevens: He ain't all there, is he?
[the Regulators are at a dance]
Charley Bowdre: Look at Billy Bonney go.
'Dirty Steve' Stevens: He ain't all there, is he?
Charley Bowdre: He's there enough to be dancing with a pretty girl while we're sitting around pulling our tallywhackers.
Charley Bowdre: Hey, Billy. I've got to get out of here. I've got a wife. She's this little Mexican gal. Please, Billy.
William H. Bonney: Charley, if you don't stand up and start whooping some ass, you ain't ever gonna see her again.
Richard Brewer: Lord, forgive us for our wrongdoings, for our misguidance by heathen religions. Thank you for keeping us alive. Lord, be with us in doing the right thing. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name.
William H. Bonney: Please, Dick. It's getting cold. (he and Dick both pull guns on each other) I could've killed you, Dick. I could've killed you, but I don't want to kill you. I want to eat.
Yen Sun: I know what you've come to do. You've come to lay with me and cut me into tiny pieces. You're the bandit that eats children and old people.
Doc: I eat meat and potatoes.
Yen Sun: I am unclean. That is not for a young man.
Doc: Yen, I used to ride with the dirty underwear gang out of Liberty, Missouri.
Richard Brewer: We've got a warrant for you, old man.
Buckshot Roberts: I ain't got no business with that war no more, peckerhead son of a bitch. I'm on my own. I've come to pick up the 150 dollars Sheriff Brady has put out for the kid. The rest of you are only worth about 110, but I'll take it.
Doc: What a sweet disposition.
Buckshot Roberts: All right, let's dance.
William H. Bonney: Reap it, Murphy, you son of a bitch.
William H. Bonney: Murphy's taking inventory in Tunstall's store right now and you're saying that means nothing to you?
Chavez: It means nothing to me? Murphy and his politicians have taken more blood from me than they ever will from you.
William H. Bonney: How do you figure?
Chavez: The Red Sands Creek Reservation. 200 people butchered in the snow with their stomachs empty. My mother's people. You see, Murphy was under government contract to supply us with beef, but two winters ago, he sent only rotten meat. No corn, no flour, just rancid beef crawling with worms. A few of my men and I set out to a camp in the middle of the night to try and get food. Oh yeah, they welcomed us in, and then they fired at us. I got away, only me. But when I got back to the Red Sands, I found out that the army had already heard about our big indian uprising and they paid us back. My mother was cut by a saber from her privates to her neck. My sisters were just babies, and they had their heads bashed in with boot heels so the army could save bullets. Everyone at the reservation was butchered AND IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME? Oh yeah, I went into Lincoln to take Murphy's head. And that's when John Tunstall found me, and he took me in, and he taught me a better way to bury Murphy.
John Tunstall: I have made a long, steamship journey from London, Mr. Murphy, so I shall be damned if I am persuaded by something as ugly as political corruption. So, I'd like for you to take your threats and your sheriff and get off my property.
L.G. Murphy: You're ambitious, Earl, but you'd be better off selling lady's undergarments in Hampstead.
Colonel Nathan Dudley: Mr. Bonney. Mr. McSween. This is Colonel Nathan Dudley out of Fort Scranton. Come on out, with your hands high.
William H. Bonney: Hahahahaha. With your hands high? I better reason with him. Hey, Colonel Shithead. You can kiss my ass. Get President Hayes down here, then we'll come out. We'll see how they like that one.
Charley Bowdre: It's John Kinney, It's John Kinney, It's John Kinney
Doc: Thank you very much Charlie!
Chavez: I told you I would find the way, and the way is west.
William H. Bonney: West, huh? Well west is that way...
[points gun in one direction]
William H. Bonney: ...and the bastards we gotta kill are that way.
[points gun in opposite direction]
Charley Bowdre: I'm not a pistoleer or a knifesmith like that greaser Chavez Chavez over there. I'm a pugilist.
Doc: Advices from Lincoln report that Jose Chavez Y Chavez moved to California where he changed his name and took work on a fruit ranch. Josiah 'Doc' Scurlock is reported to have left the West for the East, taking with him a celestial bride, her mother and fourteen brothers and sisters. Susan McSween went on to see both her husband's and John Tunstall's dreams to fruition, by becoming one of most prominent cattlewomen of all time. Governor Axtel was forced to resign by President Rutherford B. Hayes and both the Murphy-Dolan faction and the Santa Fe Ring collapsed. William H. Bonney, also known as 'Billy the Kid' continued to ride, never leaving New Mexico. He was caught in Fort Sumner by Sheriff Pat Garret and killed. Sources report that he was unarmed, and shot in the dark. He was buried with Charley Bowdre at Old Fort Sumner. Advices report that sometime later, an unidentified person snuck into the graveyard and chiseled an inscription. The epitaph read only one word... 'Pals'.
William H. Bonney: I ain't left-handed.
"Dirty Steve" Stephens: You're a red ass Mexican greaser, you do it with your horse. Mexican greaser!
Chavez: Come here, you little white chicken shit.
William H. Bonney: I could've killed ya Dick. I could've killed ya. But I don't wanna kill ya I wanna eat.
Richard Brewer: When we finish this meal you little rodent, we're gonna go out in the yard and see who has the right to run this group of regulators.
Doc: Richard, would you be so kind as to pass the gravy please?
Doc: [as he gets shot in the hand] Oh SHIT!
Richard Brewer: [after they catch two Murphy Men] Buenos días Shitheads!
Murphy: Get ready for hell