Julius Benedict: I did nothing. The pavement was his enemy.
Julius Benedict: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.
Vincent Benedict: [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities] You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict: No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict: Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict: Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict: But you're so good at it!
Julius Benedict: I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.
Mary Ann Benedict: [holding a teddy bear] You found each other, and you found me.
Vincent Benedict: [Answering the phone] Hello!
Burt Klane: Hey Vince, we haven't forgotten about you. You better have our money tomorrow morning, or else.
Vincent Benedict: Or else WHAT, you blimp!
Julius Benedict: Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Webster: What third rule?
Vincent Benedict: Third rule?
Julius Benedict: Yeah, third rule.
Vincent Benedict: [notices the crane above Webster] Oooh! The third rule.
Webster: What's the third rule?
[Vincent hits the crane switch which drops a pile of chains on Webster burying him]
Vincent Benedict: Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
Julius Benedict: Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them.
Julius Benedict: For the first time in my life, I'm... *pissed off*!
Vincent Benedict: [trying to hold Julius back] Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!
Marnie Mason: [Linda sees Vince on the street and is thrilled to see him] Vince!
Marnie Mason: I thought you broke up with him!
Linda Mason: I did, I did.
Julius Benedict: Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict: Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy. My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, "My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?" Let me tell you something for your own good Julius. It a CROCK!
[Vince hides as Burt comes into the restaurant]
Linda Mason: Hi!
Burt Klane: Hi.
Linda Mason: Can I help you?
Burt Klane: Uh, yeah... where's the little shit?
Linda Mason: Uh, you'll have to be more specific.
Burt Klane: Benedict.
Linda Mason: Oh, he wouldn't come in here! Isn't that right, Marnie?
Marnie Mason: Who, Vincent?
[wipes down a table, dumping scraps on Vincent's head]
Marnie Mason: That weasel? That creep? I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in here on his hands and knees.
[Vincent scrambles out on his hands and knees]
Vincent Benedict: Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?
Julius Benedict: No.
Vincent Benedict: You do like women?
Julius Benedict: Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Vincent Benedict: [turns around] You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict: That's private.
Vincent Benedict: [to himself] A 230-pound virgin.
Vincent Benedict: I got another six hours to pay the money back and tell the Klane brothers that harassing a man who's already in the slammer is beneath even them.
Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!
Burt Klane: [knocking at the door] Open up, Vince. Come on, we know you're in there, we just wanna talk to you.
Bob Klane: [Klane Brothers come bursting in] Howdy!
Burt Klane: [to Webster] Who are you?
Webster: That's not really important, is it? I was just feeding the cat and then I was gonna leave.
Burt Klane: [Firmly] I asked you a question.
Webster: Well who are you?
Bob Klane: We're the Klane Brothers. That's Burt, this is Morris, and I'm Bob.
Webster: Interesting gene pool.
Burt Klane: Don't cast aspersions of my family.
Webster: Oh I beg your pardon, but you're looking for Vince Benedict, right?
Burt Klane: Right.
Webster: My Vince Benedict?
[Burt and Morris look at one another]
Webster: So what difference does it make who I am?
Vincent Benedict: The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Burt Klane: Vince, this has gone way beyond a case of simple loan delinquency.
Bob Klane: We don't like bein' shot.
Vincent Benedict: Shot? Who shot ya?
Julius Benedict: What do you want?
Burt Klane: We want to take Vince out to the parking lot and kill him.
Vincent Benedict: Don't you think that's a little drastic?
Julius Benedict: You moved too soon.
Burt Klane: [confused] What?
Julius Benedict: The second rule in the crisis situation.
Morris Klane: Uh oh, he's starting that funny talk again.
Julius Benedict: If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called.
Burt Klane: This is no bluff.
Mitchell Traven: Well, Vincent. You turned out just like I thought you would. What'd you do, escape from prison?
Vincent Benedict: How'd you know my name?
Mitchell Traven: I named you.
Vincent Benedict: [points to a device in the lab] This must, uh, be where you made the milkshake.
Mitchell Traven: We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.
Vincent Benedict: But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us.
Vincent Benedict: Way to go, Mom.
Mitchell Traven: Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Vincent Benedict: Wow, wow, wow, you're telling me that I'm the crap?
Julius Benedict: This is not true, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict: Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this.
Vincent Benedict: You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?
Julius Benedict: HE'S WRONG.
Mitchell Traven: [points at Vincent] Look at him.
Vincent Benedict: Are you saying that... I'm a side effect.
Beetroot McKinley: [answers the phone] Beetroot McKinley talking. Who is this?
Vincent Benedict: Uh... Webster - calling from California. I happen to have something, uh, some merchandise, that you, uh, that you might want.
Beetroot McKinley: Well, bring it to me, son. Let me enrich you.
Vincent Benedict: Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot, it's the amount of enrichment that I wanted to talk about.
Beetroot McKinley: Don't try and renegotiate with old Beetroot, son.
Vincent Benedict: Look, Beetroot, if we can't renegotiate, we wither and die. Look, there's no way Mr. Beetroot, that I am gonna deliver any damn Cadillac, unless I know for sure that I have... TWENTY for my cut.
Beetroot McKinley: Twenty? You little shit-for-brains peckerwood! You're out of your goddamn crazy diseased greedy mind!
Vincent Benedict: Well, I guess that seems a little high for you.
Beetroot McKinley: YEAH.
Vincent Benedict: Well, I'm a reasonable man, uh, how 'bout fifteen?
Beetroot McKinley: The deal is FIVE!
Vincent Benedict: FIVE? I can do better than five here.
Beetroot McKinley: If you can do better than five million dollars, then, son, you take it.
Vincent Benedict: [starts to have trouble breathing]
Vincent Benedict: [having trouble talking] Beetroot, I'll see you in Houston. After all, fair is fair. I'll just have to find it in my heart to live with your offer.
Beetroot McKinley: Well, good.
Vincent Benedict: [they both hang up] Five MILLION! Five MILLION dollars! Five MILLION dollars!
[Vince's neighbor comes over to Linda]
Female Neighbor: Excuse me? Excuse me. Never sleep with that man, never loan him money, and never believe a word he tells you. That's free advice.
Vincent Benedict: Morning, Agnes.
Vincent Benedict: Whoa, where you going with my desk?
Mover #1: Takin' back this furniture, man.
Mover #2: You're six months behind.
Vincent Benedict: You're behind! Six months behind. That's the problem. There's no trust in the world anymore.
Webster: [On Vince's trail, Webster has come to his house, and finds it empty, save for Julius, the cat] Well what have we here? What a cute little kitty! So, where's Daddy?
Webster: [Picking up the cat, he finds the information Vince wrote down in the trash basket. He holds it up to read it] Well, well, well. Thank you very much...
Julius Benedict: [to Klane] Now the first rule in the crisis situation, you negotiate first and you attack last.
Vincent Benedict: You negotiate *first* and then you attack?
Julius Benedict: You never negotiated.
Vincent Benedict: [to Klane] Ah hah!
Julius Benedict: You don't know what kind of an enemy I am.
Morris Klane: Who are you?
Julius Benedict: Vincent's brother.
Vincent Benedict: [happily] We're twins.
Julius Benedict: That's right.
Morris Klane: [smashes a glass case and grabs a fire axe] You're firewood.
Julius Benedict: I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.
Vincent Benedict: Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.
Julius Benedict: Twenty thousand?
Vincent Benedict: Due this morning.
[gets in the car]
Vincent Benedict: [calling him to get in] Come on!
Julius Benedict: Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?
Julius Benedict: Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!
Morris Klane: [swings the axe at Julius]
Julius Benedict: You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict: But he's got an axe!
Morris Klane: [Klane charges Julius, who sidesteps his blow. The axe is imbedded in the wall. As Julius grabs him]
Julius Benedict: And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.
[picks Klane up with both hands and lifts him a foot up in the air]
Julius Benedict: You're a very stupid person.
[throws him into an open elevator]
Vincent Benedict: [to Klane as the elevator is about to close] You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!