Vincent Benedict: Money talks and bullshit walks!
Julius Benedict: How can bullshit walk?
Julius Benedict: I did nothing. The pavement was his enemy.
Julius Benedict: You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict: But he's got an axe!
Julius Benedict: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.
Julius Benedict: I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.
Mary Ann Benedict: [holding a teddy bear] You found each other, and you found me.
Vincent Benedict: [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities] You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict: No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict: Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict: Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict: But you're so good at it!
Vincent Benedict: [Answering the phone] Hello!
Burt Klane: Hey Vince, we haven't forgotten about you. You better have our money tomorrow morning, or else.
Vincent Benedict: Or else WHAT, you blimp!
Julius Benedict: Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them.
Julius Benedict: For the first time in my life, I'm... *pissed off*!
Vincent Benedict: [trying to hold Julius back] Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!
Vincent Benedict: You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict: That's private.
Vincent Benedict: A 230-pound virgin!
Vincent Benedict: I got another six hours to pay the money back and tell the Klane brothers that harassing a man who's already in the slammer is beneath even them.
Marnie Mason: [Linda sees Vince on the street and is thrilled to see him] Vince!
Marnie Mason: I thought you broke up with him!
Linda Mason: I did, I did.
Julius Benedict: Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict: Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy. My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, "My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?" Let me tell you something for your own good Julius. It a CROCK!
Vincent Benedict: Whoa, where you going with my desk?
Mover #1: Takin' back this furniture, man.
Mover #2: You're six months behind.
Vincent Benedict: You're behind! Six months behind. That's the problem. There's no trust in the world anymore.
Webster: [On Vince's trail, Webster has come to his house, and finds it empty, save for Julius, the cat] Well what have we here? What a cute little kitty! So, where's Daddy?
Webster: [Picking up the cat, he finds the information Vince wrote down in the trash basket. He holds it up to read it] Well, well, well. Thank you very much...
Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!
Burt Klane: [knocking at the door] Open up, Vince. Come on, we know you're in there, we just wanna talk to you.
Bob Klane: [Klane Brothers come bursting in] Howdy!
Burt Klane: [to Webster] Who are you?
Webster: That's not really important, is it? I was just feeding the cat and then I was gonna leave.
Burt Klane: [Firmly] I asked you a question.
Webster: Well who are you?
Bob Klane: We're the Klane Brothers. That's Burt, this is Morris, and I'm Bob.
Webster: Interesting gene pool.
Burt Klane: Don't cast aspersions of my family.
Webster: Oh I beg your pardon, but you're looking for Vince Benedict, right?
Burt Klane: Right.
Webster: My Vince Benedict?
[Burt and Morris look at one another]
Webster: So what difference does it make who I am?
Vincent Benedict: The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Burt Klane: Vince, this has gone way beyond a case of simple long delinquency.
Bob Klane: We don't like bein' shot.
Vincent Benedict: Shot? Who shot ya?
Julius Benedict: What do you want?
Burt Klane: We want to take Vince out to the parking lot and kill him.
Vincent Benedict: Don't you think that's a little drastic?
Julius Benedict: You moved too soon.
Burt Klane: [confused] What?
Julius Benedict: The second rule in the crisis situation.
Morris Klane: Uh oh, he's starting that funny talk again.
Julius Benedict: If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called.
Burt Klane: This is no bluff.
Julius Benedict: Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Webster: What third rule?
Vincent Benedict: Third rule?
Julius Benedict: Yeah, third rule.
Vincent Benedict: [notices the crane above Webster] Oooh! The third rule.
Webster: What's the third rule?
[Vincent hits the crane switch which drops a pile of chains on Webster burying him]
Vincent Benedict: Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
[Vince hides as Burt comes into the restaurant]
Linda Mason: Hi!
Burt Klane: Hi.
Linda Mason: Can I help you?
Burt Klane: Uh, yeah... where's the little shit?
Linda Mason: Uh, you'll have to be more specific.
Burt Klane: Benedict.
Linda Mason: Oh, he wouldn't come in here! Isn't that right, Marnie?
Marnie Mason: Who, Vincent?
[wipes down a table, dumping scraps on Vincent's head]
Marnie Mason: That weasel? That creep? I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in here on his hands and knees.
[Vincent scrambles out on his hands and knees]