Ivan Alexeev: You look ravishing and I'd like to chew on your thighs.
Samantha Gregory: I thought we had a professional relationship.
Ivan Alexeev: So I'll pay.
Ivan Alexeev: Josh, losing those jobs is the best thing that ever happened to us! We're free to pursue our destiny!
Josh Tager: What, abysmal failure?
Ivan Alexeev: Negativity festers in you, man!
Josh Tager: Look, Ivan... I hope you're not putting too much faith in me. I don't even know if I...
Ivan Alexeev: "IF"? Instant Failure! "FEAR" - False Evidence Appearing Real! We've talked about this!
Mo Fuzz: All this video is missing is production values.
Mo Fuzz: Yeah. Tits and ass.
Ivan: You, you've got no ambition! You're content just existing! You need what I've got, brother.
Mo Fuzz: All good things come in threes.
Josh Tager: It's not good things. It's celebrity deaths that come in threes.
[Ivan & Josh explain their tardiness to their security boss]
Ivan: Anybody else who'd save Pablo Casales - perhaps the greatest cellist in the world with the possible exception of Yo-Yo Ma - from a fiery car wreck on Sunset Boulevard would be bragging about it, but not Josh. He didn't want to spoil the 11 o'clock news for you.
Norton: Don't bullshit me. I'm a big cello fan! Casales died years ago!
Norman Mart: Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Russians have satellite laser weapons. Why can't we, too?
Mo Fuzz: This group is hotter than hot. They've sold more records in Sweden than Abba.
Mo Fuzz: I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec.
[watching a music video]
Josh Tager: Stupid. Inane. Vapid. Mind-rot. Stench. Pabulum.
Ivan Alexeev: Yeah, it's all right!
[after being "HA!"-ed]
Ivan Alexeev: I'm gonna make him eat that syllable.
Ivan Alexeev: You know, Josh, in primitive societies, after they sever the umbilical cord, they eat the placenta in a ritualistic ceremony.
[bites into a burger]
Ivan Alexeev: Want a bite?
[Belinda is setting fire to a painting with a welding torch]
Belinda Mart: You like it?
Josh Tager: Like it? What is it?
Belinda Mart: I call it... "Destruction of Art."
Belinda Mart: Ivan, why aren't you helping Josh set up the equipment?
Ivan Alexeev: He's an artist. He's hands-on. You know what I do? I use my selling techniques to give my artist friend the personal freedom he needs. Freedom, choices, possibilities. That's what I'm about. The boring administrative stuff, you know? I envy him.
Ivan Alexeev: Can you get me another drink?
Belinda Mart: Sure.
Heavy Metal Fan: Oh! I hate waiting! What time is it? What time is it?
Video Vixen #1: [after making the Blender Children's video, the video vixens swarm around Josh and Ivan] Are you guys famous?
Video Vixen #2: How do I look?
Video Vixen #3: Sign my butt!
Video Vixen #1: Teach me to read!
Student Journalist: As your party's leading presidential candidate, you are a staunch advocate of nuclear proliferation. Does wanting more and bigger missiles stem from a penis envy of the Russians?
Norman Mart: No, son. That's primitive thinking. I will add, though, that I'll put my slab on the yard stick against Gorby any day.
Roscoe: Yo, friends, check this out. Roscoe's the name and they call me the king Grandmaster of the chicken and the waffle thing. I said 'read my lips', and friends, don't miss a word 'cause the Grandmaster's gonna give you the bird!
Roscoe: Now when's the last time you had a wing with a waffle? Well that's too long! It oughta be unlawful!