My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)
Alien leader: Earthmen will fall to their knees, betray their country and give away valuable real estate for a desirable woman.
[reporting to her father that her stepmother is more than she seems]
Jessie Mills: I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda!
Lucas Budlong: Thinks he's cute, doesn't he?
Ron Mills: Yes, but I was mother's favorite!
Ron Mills: Oh, that was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Ron Mills: [off his girlfriend's look] I mean, uh, ehh, second most beautiful... Third... A dog!
Celeste Martin: [after changing to new dress in Dr. Mills' car] Is this acceptable?
Steven Mills: Is the drool apparent?
Steven Mills: Would you mind if I kissed you?
Celeste Martin: Does it hurt?
Steven Mills: Not the way I do it.
Steven Mills: I think... I think...
Celeste Martin: What?
Steven Mills: Would I scare you... if I told you I love you?
Celeste Martin: Not unless you hit me at the same time.
Steven Mills: I'm serious.
Celeste Martin: So am I!
Jessie Mills: [looking at her Dad and Celeste through a window] I think they're gonna kiss!
Lexie, Jessie's Friend #1: Does he even know how?
Jessie Mills: I saw him do it once in 1983.
[after a long & strange make out, both somewhat out of breath]
Steven Mills: I've never felt anything like that before.
Celeste Martin: Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?
Steven Mills: [laughs; looks slightly confused] What?
[after Steve asks if she wants to have sex]
Celeste Martin: Sure. I just have to figure out what that is.
[watching a video of two people having sex]
Celeste Martin: That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
The Bag: That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.
[as the Mills dog sniffs The Bag]
The Bag: Back off, Alpo Breath!
[Celeste consults with the alien council]
Celeste Martin: The subject says he will be unable to think about science unless he marries me.
Council Chief: Well, marry him.
Celeste Martin: But we don't know what "marry" is.
Council Chief: One moment.
[the second council member takes a book. He and the council chief leaf through it until they find the page about marriage]
Council Chief: Ah, yes. The Monchine Forty says marriage is this: he goes off to fight the Turks, and you put on a lock.
[Celeste is confused]
Second in Command: No, no, no.
[they leaf more pages]
Council Chief: Oh, yes, yes. Wrong century. Eh... marriage is this: you cook and clean and bring him martinies.
Second in Command: No, no!
Council Chief: Wrong again? Ridiculous...
[they leaf more pages]
Council Chief: Yes. Wrong decade. Too old-fashioned. Ah, here we are, yes. The modren marriage: there are no rules or responsibilities, but if he does something wrong, you can set him on fire while he sleeps and go on a talk show, where everyone will forgive you and love you. There is only one drawback: you will have to have more sex.
Celeste Martin: [excitedly] I'll do it!