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My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988) Poster

Quotes

Alien leader: Earthmen will fall to their knees, betray their country and give away valuable real estate for a desirable woman.

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[reporting to her father that her stepmother is more than she seems]

Jessie Mills: I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda!

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Ron Mills: BABY!

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Lucas Budlong: Thinks he's cute, doesn't he?

Ron Mills: Yes, but I was mother's favorite!

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Ron Mills: Oh, that was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Ron Mills: [off his girlfriend's look] I mean, uh, ehh, second most beautiful... Third... A dog!

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Celeste Martin: [after changing to new dress in Dr. Mills' car] Is this acceptable?

Steven Mills: Is the drool apparent?

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Steven Mills: Would you mind if I kissed you?

Celeste Martin: Does it hurt?

Steven Mills: Not the way I do it.

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Steven Mills: I think... I think...

Celeste Martin: What?

Steven Mills: Would I scare you... if I told you I love you?

Celeste Martin: Not unless you hit me at the same time.

Steven Mills: I'm serious.

Celeste Martin: So am I!

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[on Ron's braces]

Celeste Martin: Ooh, mouth jewelry!

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Steven Mills: If you want my secrets, you'll eat my sandwich!

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Jessie Mills: [looking at her Dad and Celeste through a window] I think they're gonna kiss!

Lexie, Jessie's Friend #1: Does he even know how?

Jessie Mills: I saw him do it once in 1983.

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[after a long & strange make out, both somewhat out of breath]

Steven Mills: I've never felt anything like that before.

Celeste Martin: Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?

Steven Mills: [laughs; looks slightly confused] What?

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[after Steve asks if she wants to have sex]

Celeste Martin: Sure. I just have to figure out what that is.

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[watching a video of two people having sex]

Celeste Martin: That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

The Bag: That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.

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[as the Mills dog sniffs The Bag]

The Bag: Back off, Alpo Breath!

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[Celeste consults with the alien council]

Celeste Martin: The subject says he will be unable to think about science unless he marries me.

Council Chief: Well, marry him.

Celeste Martin: But we don't know what "marry" is.

Council Chief: One moment.

[the second council member takes a book. He and the council chief leaf through it until they find the page about marriage]

Council Chief: Ah, yes. The Monchine Forty says marriage is this: he goes off to fight the Turks, and you put on a lock.

[Celeste is confused]

Second in Command: No, no, no.

[they leaf more pages]

Council Chief: Oh, yes, yes. Wrong century. Eh... marriage is this: you cook and clean and bring him martinies.

Second in Command: No, no!

Council Chief: Wrong again? Ridiculous...

[they leaf more pages]

Council Chief: Yes. Wrong decade. Too old-fashioned. Ah, here we are, yes. The modren marriage: there are no rules or responsibilities, but if he does something wrong, you can set him on fire while he sleeps and go on a talk show, where everyone will forgive you and love you. There is only one drawback: you will have to have more sex.

Celeste Martin: [excitedly] I'll do it!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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