Casey Pear: I'm not moving to Idaho. No fucking way.
Arlo Pear: Hey! That's a quarter in the swear jar, young lady.
Casey Pear: [Begins putting money into the swear jar as she speaks] Okay, there's no God damn way I'm God damn moving to Ida-son of a bitch, shit eating-ho.
Arlo Pear: What happened to my car?
Brad: Brad probably loaned the car to the Pope. Don't let the hat fool you, Man, the Pope's a crazy fucker. He probably blessed the car, got wasted and drove it off a fucking cliff.
Cornell Crawford: Well choke my chicken! Your name's Pear right? You lived next door to Frank, am I right?
Arlo Pear: Yeah.
Cornell Crawford: Small world ain't it?
Arlo Pear: Too small.
Cornell Crawford: Frank says you're a real asshole and if you fuck with me, I'll kill you, you understand?
Perry: Mr. Pear?
Arlo Pear: Yes.
Perry: How's it hanging?
Arlo Pear: How's what hanging?
Perry: Your dick.
Arlo Pear: It's hanging to the left.
Loan broker: Everything is OK. Your application is fine. But right now, I can't give you any money.
Arlo Pear: When *can* you give us the money?
Loan broker: Mr. Pear, are you a gambling man?
Arlo Pear: No, I'm not!
Loan broker: Well, you are now. Look, I'm gonna level with you people. I just bet a big chunk of the bank's money on Hannah Blue in the 7th at Hallmark Downs.
Arlo Pear: That's embezzlement!
Loan broker: That's right. And that's exactly what I've been doing here for 22 years. But I'll tell ya, this horse can't lose. You'll get your money for the house. This horse has never lost on a wet track.
Race Announcer: I can't *remember* when I've ever seen a track this *dry*.
Realtor: You may want to decorate this house differently.
Arlo Pear: [Looking at a nude statue] Oh yes, we'd get bigger penises.
Arlo Pear: Honey, our daughter's getting married, you wanna come?
Arlo Pear: I don't want your money, I want those assholes!
People on Back of Truck: Oh *those* assholes!
Arlo Pear: Casey, where did you find this man? Is there an asshole convention in town?
Woman: Excuse me, does your dog bite?
Arlo Pear: Ma'am, that dog hasn't farted since March '78.
Arlo Pear: I'm calling about the Ginsu knives. Arlo Pear. P-E-A-R.
Cornell Crawford: What the fuck are you doing?
Arlo Pear: I want you to take this big red motherfucker and put it back in your garage, you understand you son of a bitch? And go to the store and get a human sized mower!
Arlo Pear: Frank, remember two years I loaned you my weed whacker? Well since we're moving, I've come to ask for it back.
Frank Crawford: No.
Arlo Pear: It's *our* weed whacker, Frank, the whole family went down to Sears together. So I've come to ask you to give it back.
Frank Crawford: No.
Arlo Pear: Frank, I loaned it to you two years ago to cut yor weeds. You haven't cut shit with the weed whacker! What did you do with it? Keep the weed whacker, Frank! Be happy with it because you have to friends! Nobody wants to talk to you!
Perry: Frank, that you?
Frank Crawford: Edwards, Perry! Well choke my chicken!
Arlo Pear: Maybe we'll send you a plane ticket and you can visit us at Christmas.
Frank Crawford: Good but I won't.
Reporter: Now that your job's been eliminated, sir, what are your future plans?
Arlo Pear: I just sharpened my pencil!
[Rudy wants to marry Casey]
Rudy: Sure, we'll have our problems, just like most young couples.
Arlo Pear: You're gonna have a problem walking straight if you don't take your hands off my daughter.
Edwards: [on top of Edwards and Perry's moving truck] Now look here, Mr. Pear, if you got any complaints about our service, you better call the head office.
Arlo Pear: Shut the hell up. No more talk. I want my furniture!
Edwards: Who you think you talkin' to? I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass, poop butt!
[Arlo kicks him in the head]
Arlo Pear: The kitchen. Where is the kitchen? They took the god damn kitchen!
Loan broker: So, you found your dream house. And right now you're asking First Boise Savings & Loan to give you a mortgage.
Arlo Pear: As you can see, I've had the same job for 15 years.
Loan broker: Well, that's very nice, but it's not enough. I mean, Al Capone had the same job for 30 years.
Monica Pear: But we've never had any problem with credit.
Loan broker: Oh, don't get me wrong. I trust you. We trust all our customers. Why, this bank was *built* on trust. Here. Sign here.
Loan broker: Uh, you gotta get closer. This pen is chained down, you know.
Arlo Pear: [arrives at the new house on top of a semi trailer] Honey! Look what I found! I found our shit... I brought our shit home... this is our shit!
Arlo Pear: [Frank has taken a bite out of an unpeeled banana] Aren't you gonna peel that?
Frank Crawford: I know what's in it.
Gorgo: [after the altercation with the movers at their new home, a now polite Gorgo speaks for the first time... he's holding a chair] Excuse me Mrs. Pear, where would you like this?
Monica Pear: Over by the door, thanks.
Gorgo: [smiles pleasantly] I think that's the perfect place for it, if you don't mind my saying so.