[Chet's brother-in-law Roman Craig and his family have arrived, unannounced, at the holiday resort]
Roman: What a gas! Chet's gonna shit a solid gold brick when he sees us, what a great surprise!
[Chet is being pulled by the boat on water-skies at high speed]
Chet: You bastard! You bastard!
Roman: I think he's saying go faster.
Roman: I think we should go into town tomorrow and pick up a ski boat. Whaddya say? Sound good, guys? Uncle Roman'll blow some coin on a kick-ass drag boat!
Chet: That's OK, we're renting a pontoon boat.
Roman: Pontoon boat? What the hell are you gonna do with a pontoon boat? Retake Omaha Beach?
Roman: [while barbequing lobsters] How about the gourmet here, you know what he wanted? Hotdogs! You know what they make those things out of, Chet? You know? Lips and assholes!
Bartender: He's been struck by lightning... how many times has it been now, Reg?
Chet: Six times?
Reg: S-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times. In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!
Chet: Sixty six times? God, that's gotta hurt.
Kate Craig: [during a big row] Roman, why don't we just get out of here, come on honey. Come on girls, let's go!
Roman: Good idea.
[they go upstairs]
Chet: Well, it's the first good idea you've had since you've been here. And by the way, don't steal any of our stuff.
Kate Craig: Ha ha, what stuff is there to steal?
Connie Ripley: We got stuff!
Kate Craig: Ahh!
[Kate and Roman run out of their bedroom]
Kate Craig: It touched me!
Roman: It's been touching you for 12 years, you never freak!
Kate Craig: Not you!
[Kate hits Roman on the arm]
Kate Craig: A thing.
Roman: What thing?
Chet: [Comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?
Kate Craig: That thing!
[Points to a bat]
Roman: Oh, it's just a little sparrow.
Kate Craig: C'mon Roman, it's got ears!
[Everyone screams and runs out of the cabin]
[the family has just returned from a restaurant where Chet finished a 96oz steak. They find that raccoons have overturned the garbage cans]
Roman: Look at the size of the maggots on that meat!
[Chet is telling everyone about his bear story]
Chet: So when you go to bed tonight, and you hear a noise, whatever you do, don't look out the window...
[Chet shouts while he tosses some of his alcoholic beverage into the fireplace causing a huge fireball shooting out of the chimney]
Chet: because there might be a bear!
Roman: [Chet, Roman, and the kids are out fishing and are putting bait on their hooks] These are the biggest worms I have ever encountered.
Chet: They're not worms, they're leeches.
Connie Ripley: I don't want to hear any more about anyone blowing anything out of their ass.
Roman: Why do Chet's kids look at him like he's Zeus and my kids look at me like I'm a rack of lawn tools at Sears?
Roman: Personally, I'd rather see a 46 inch bust singing "Burnin' Love."
Chet: You'll have to excuse my brother-in-law. He gets a couple of cocktails in him and he becomes an expert on everything.
Roman: I don't need cocktails for that. Was that a shot?
Chet: No, that was the truth.
Roman: Oh, that was a shot!
Chet: That... was a shot.
Roman: [to the bartender] Speaking of shots, set us up!
Chet: Bear... bear... Big Bear... big bear chase meeeeeeee...!
Chet: If you meet any friends, bring them back and we'll give them a ride in "Suck My Wake."
Wally: [Upon checkin at the cabin, the Ripleys are greeted by a snarling, barking dog whose face is filled with porcupine quills] Don't mind Wormer folks, she hates people.
[Dog still barking and snarling]
Wally: Wormer, shut the frig up! What can I do ya for?
Buck Ripley: What happened to that dog's, uh, dog's face?
Wally: Porcupine quills. Hates people, loves porcupines. She's in heat too. Too bad you're not a dog. What can I do ya for?
[Chet is eating the last bite of the 96 ounce steak]
Roman: I think that just about does it.
Grill Chef: He's not done yet!
Roman: It might take him a moment for that last bite to go down, but it will go down!
Grill Chef: That ain't the last bite!
Roman: Well sure it is, there is nothing on that plate but gristle and fat!
[the Chef raises his eyebrows]
Roman: No Problem. If i can get a dessert down him, think you can throw in a couple of Paul Bunyan hat's for the kids?
Roman: You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky and landed on your face and started to wiggle!
[Chet and Roman are arguing]
Chet: You've got an awful lot of nerve, Roman, a lot of nerve.
Roman: It's served me well, I'm the one with the Mercedes.
Chet: By the way, is it paid for?
Roman: Are you jealous? Chester!
Chet: Don't call me Chester! Call me that one more time and you're gonna go home with a dent in your forehead!
Kate Craig: Oh yeah, that'll be the day!
Chet: Would you like one to match his?
Roman: [raising his fists] Hey, take it easy! You wanna go right now?
Buck Ripley: [breaking them apart] Dad, dad, dad. No one's denting anybody.
Roman: Thanks, Bucky.
Buck Ripley: Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!
Connie Ripley: Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
Buck Ripley: Why not?
Roman: Because it's rude.
Connie Ripley: Oh, blow it out your ass!
Roman: I gotta go to the John, I'll be right back. Gonna introduce Mr Thick Dick to Mr Urinal Cake!
Roman: Good evening. How's it going? Listen, girls... uh... as your father, I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight on the validity of the tale which Uncle Chet shared with us this evening. I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing for kids like yourselves; I know that, because I had a similar experience with my uncle Roy and a story he used to tell, about a family who went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psychiatric patients who'd been subjected to violent, hellish, torturous behavior-modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the Army kept them in, found his family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them. Now that story - phew - it gave me nightmares not to be believed. Well I thought that Uncle Chet's story upset you in the same way. I'm here to say that there actually is NO bear, and that all that Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn... spinning for our... entertainment. And even if there were a bear out there, I'm in the house. To protect you. So uh... no more thinking about bears. Alright? No more thinking about unpleasant things. We're gonna close our eyes and dream about nice things. About cuddly, soft, fluffy things. Okay? Super. Good night. Sleep tight.