Memorable quotes for
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988) More at IMDbPro »

Harmony Star: Hey, Ernest, how did it go?
Ernest P. Worell: It worked great. Victory is at hand. Now we have to move onto what I like to call "Plan B."
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Ernest P. Worell: I am one with the Yuletide, know what I mean?
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Ernest P. Worell: What we have here is a failure to accumulate.
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Ernest P. Worell: [quietly] Santa Claus.
Mary Morrissey: What did you say?
Ernest P. Worell: His name is Santa Claus!
[children giggle]
Ernest P. Worell: That's it. Yuck it up. He happens to be a close, personal friend of mine. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Fifth graders think they know everything.
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Ernest P. Worell: [gesturing to Santa's sack] You better check it out.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Why?
Ernest P. Worell: Call it... Uh, a fifth sense. Call it a flash of intermission, but I just got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.
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Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday.
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Harmony Star: There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel.
Ernest P. Worell: Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off.
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Ernest P. Worell: Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.
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Ernest P. Worell: No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus.
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Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.
[odd silence]
Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really.
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Harmony Star: Ernest, I'm not really a morning person, so could you keep it down to a dull... roar?
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Film Studio Gate Guard: [advances toward's Ernest's truck to see what is under the tarp in back] I'd better have a look.
Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous "snakes" under the tarp] Careful, now... them be "pisin"!
[lunges at the guard, who gasps and winces]
Ernest P. Worell: "Pisin" snakes! One minute, you be a strappin' young man like yerself, an' the next...
[imitates a snake's fangs with his fingers]
Ernest P. Worell: SNAP!
[swipes his "fangs" at the guard, who again gasps and winces]
Ernest P. Worell: Yer dead meat!
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Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous snakes in the back of his truck] Ya want one fer yer boy? I gave one to my boy last year...
[removes his hat]
Ernest P. Worell: [singing] Rock of ages... a-cleft fer me... let me hide myself in thee... That's all these movie people want..."pisin"!
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Harmony Star: You're a sick man, Ernest.
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Chuck: The 24th... That's Christmas Eve! Who in ther right minds would be working on Christmas Eve? I'll tell ya who? WE WHO, that's who? Christmas, Thanksgiving, the Super Bowl - Bobby, if it weren't for us, this airline would NEVER get off the ground!
Bobby: [a heavy crate tips over, pinning Bobby beneath it] Ugh!
Chuck: I guess if you want something done right, you got to do it yourself...
[tips the crate to look down at Bobby]
Chuck: Yo, Bob? Break's over!
Bobby: [Chuck drops the crate and it crushes Bobby again] Oooof!
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Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Joe... search your heart. There must be something there to convince you of the truth.
Joe Curruthers: In a way, I wish there was... but I haven't seen anything yet.
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Animal Officer #1: [they have just discovered the particulars of Chuck's animal control problem] Oh... FLYING... reindeer. Um, that's not us. You want air traffic control.
Animal Officer #2: Um... yeah.
[they flee]
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Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': [after Ernest has just finished driving suicidally on the freeway and busted a window to rescue one] I take it you really needed a tree?
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Harmony Star: Where do you get off? Don't say that to her! There is too a Santa, and this is his magic sack!
Lacy: If that's HIS sack, then why do you have it?
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Harmony Star: [returning Santa's stolen toy sack, crying] I'm sorry.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Welcome back, Pamela.
[hugs her]
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I never doubted you would do the right thing.
Harmony Star: Really?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well... maybe just a little doubt.
Harmony Star: [laughs] I just started thinking... about you, and Ernest... and just a whole lot of things... and I really got things figured out. I even called my mom.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': She must have been worried about you.
Harmony Star: Yeah... especially after I told her who I was with.
[Santa laughs]
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Harmony Star: [disguised as "Mindy, the governor's neice"; feigning disgust] Is this the way government REALLY works?
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Harmony Star: [it starts to snow, in spite of the tropical climate] What's going on?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': CHRISTMAS is going on!
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Harmony Star: Why didn't you just tell him you were robbed? This all could have been avoided if you'd just lied!
Ernest P. Worell: If there hadn't been children present, it might have been a very ugly scene indeed.
Ernest's Boss: [tosses Ernest's tree out of the door after him, knocking him down] Merry Christmas!
[laughs sadistically as Ernest lies face down on the pavement]
Harmony Star: Ernest, you are in serious need of help.
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Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Trust people. It pays off more often that you think.
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Ernest P. Worell: [Vern opens the door] Ho ho ho, Vern!
[Vern slams the door shut]
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Restaurant Manager: Hey, wait! I think you forgot something.
Harmony Star: Oh, no, mister, it's not me, it's my brother. He does this to me ALL the time. He takes me out, and he says he's got the money, and then we eat, and he says he's gotta go to the bathroom and he sneaks out just before the check comes in! And I'm left there with no money and this stupid look on my face, but I swear it won't happen again, so just let me go this one time, mister, OK?
Restaurant Manager: Do you honestly expect me to believe that?
Harmony Star: I swear, it's true! Oh, hey, look, it's my brother! See? There he is! Hey, Tommy!
[runs away when the manager turns to look]
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Ernest P. Worell: Hey! Listen, I gotta get these reindeer down to the children's museumm, like, five minutes ago, you know what I mean?
Chuck: Elms?
Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
Chuck: Your name ain't Elms?
Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
Chuck: We're holding these reindeer for a guy named "Helper Elms". Now, we've got some REAL good questions, and he'd better have some REAL good answers.
Ernest P. Worell: Look, it's a long story, but before I tell you, let me ask you something. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Chuck: [eyes the flying reindeer on the ceiling] Somehow... I knew this question was going to come up.
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Ernest P. Worell: [first lines; singing as he drives a taxi] Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Chriiistmas tree.
[repeats over and over... and over]
Cab Passenger: Hey, could you hurry it up? I've got a flight to catch!
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Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I don't think I quite have the magic for another season.
Businessman: I think that every time they send me to Cleveland.
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Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as Marty Brock's mother] Don't try to defend him, honey, there's no future in it.
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Ernest P. Worell: [after getting out of the taxi] That'll be $32.50.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Here you go.
Ernest P. Worell: [notices the money] Hey, uh, this ain't real.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': What?
Ernest P. Worell: This money carries the likeness of one...
Ernest P. Worell: [with funny faces] "Mr. Funtime".
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