Quotes

Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.

Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.

Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?

Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

Elvira: Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?

Elvira: Revenge is better than Christmas.

Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?

Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.

Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads.

Bob Redding: No, you didn't.

Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get.

Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.

[Stops to think]

Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.

[breaks down crying]

Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?

Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.

Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.

Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.

Elvira: Gee, I dont know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

Chastity Pariah: He had his way with me in broad daylight.

Calvin Cobb: Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull.

Anchorwoman: Is there anything that could possibly shame you?

Elvira: Yeah,

[flicks anchorwoman's scarf]

Elvira: wearing this out in public might do it.

Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?

Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.

Chastity Pariah: Well, I never.

Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.

Vincent Talbot: He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.

Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.

Billy: I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!

[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]

Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.

Elvira: Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?

Bob Redding: Patty... you're not a very nice person!

Bob Redding: Whats that perfume your wearing?

Elvira: Supper Unleaded... Don't smoke!

Elvira: I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.