Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)
Chastity Pariah: [seeing Elvira arriving] Well, I never.
Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Elvira: Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore!
[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]
Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.
Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
Bob Redding: How's your head?
Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.
Bob Redding: [confused] Excuse me?
Elvira: Oh, uh, I think I'll live.
Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
[stops to think]
Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
[breaks down crying]
Elvira: I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.
Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
Bob Redding: No...
Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.
Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Chastity Pariah: He had his way with me in broad daylight.
Calvin Cobb: Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull.
Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?
Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in if you know what's good for you.
Chastity Pariah: [about Elvira] Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.
Bob Redding: [on Elvira's home-cooked casserole] No, you didn't.
Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.
Chastity Pariah: Boy am I a horn dog. Is this face taken?
Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring.
Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.
Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?
Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.
Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?
Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.
Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?
Mrs. Meeker: Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker.
Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.
Elvira: [surprised] Oh. I thought that cleared up.
Anchorwoman: [Elvira bumps into her] Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
Elvira: [flicks anchorwoman's scarf] Yeah, wearing this out in public might do it.
Manny: [to Elvira] If you don't cough up the money, you're through. The only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it.
Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?
Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.
Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?
Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.
Elvira: [to Bob] My name's Elvira, but you can call me 'tonight'.
Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!
Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.
Elvira: I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!
Elvira: Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties.
Vincent Talbot: The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.
Mrs. Morissey: Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me.
Vincent Talbot: She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow.
Vincent Talbot: He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.
Vincent Talbot: [to Elvira] You think you're someone special. Well, mark my words. I'll get you and your little dog, too.