Coming to America (1988)
King Jaffe Joffer: Do not alert him to my presence. I will deal with him myself.
[homage to Darth Vader]
[while Prince Akeem is getting a bath]
Bather: The royal penis is clean, your Highness.
King Jaffe Joffer: Semmi, you have disgraced yourself, and you must be punished. Confine yourself to our royal suite at the Waldorf-Astoria.
King Jaffe Joffer: And see that he puts on some decent attire.
[to the rose bearers]
King Jaffe Joffer: And I want you to bathe him thoroughly.
Semmi: Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.
Prince Akeem: Good morning, my neighbors!
Voice: Hey, fuck you!
Prince Akeem: [genuinely happy] Yes, yes! Fuck you too!
Cleo McDowell: Look... me and the McDonald's people got this little misunderstanding. See, they're McDonald's... I'm McDowell's. They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs. They got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds.
Big Stank Woman: [takes two shots in a row] See, that's the problem. I can't find a man that can satisfy me. Now some guys go an hour, hour in a half, that's it. A man's gotta put in overtime for me to get off.
[takes another shot]
Oha: [singing] She's your Queen-to-be. A Queen-to-be forever. A Queen who'll do whatever his highness desires. She's your Queen-to-be. A vision of perfection. An object of affection to quench your royal fire. Completely free from infection. To be used at your discretion. Waiting only for your direction. Your Queen-to-be.
Rev. Brown: I got a special treat for ya' this evening, a young man that you all know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Momma". I want you to put your hands together, and welcome him to the stage. Big round of applauds for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson, YES! Randy Watson!
Maurice: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. In a year or two, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.
Lisa McDowell: So why did you come here?
Prince Akeem: To find something special.
Lisa McDowell: It's a long way to travel.
Prince Akeem: No journey is too great when one finds what he seeks.
Prince Akeem: [to hold-up man] It would be wise for you to put the weapon down.
Hold-Up Man: Who the fuck is this asshole?
Prince Akeem: Please refrain from using any further obscenities in the presence of these people.
Hold-Up Man: What?
Prince Akeem: I'm warning you. I will be forced to thrash you.
Hold-Up Man: *Fuck* you!
King Jaffe Joffer: You're not Akeem.
Landlord: I know that.
King Jaffe Joffer: [looking at Akeem's award from McDowell's] What is this?
Landlord: A photograph.
King Jaffe Joffer: What is this - McDowell's?
Landlord: It's a place on Queens Boulevard. I think he works there.
King Jaffe Joffer: [offended] My son *works*?
Clarence: You know, Sweets, I met Dr. Martin Luther King once.
Sweets: You lyin'. You ain't never met Dr. Martin Luther King.
Clarence: Yeah, I met Dr. Martin Luther King in 1962 in Memphis, Tennessee. I walkin' down the street minding my own business, just walking on. Feelin' good. I walk around the corner, a man walk up, hit me in my chest, right. I fall on the ground, right. And I look up and it's Dr. Martin Luther King. I said 'Dr. King?' and he said 'Ooops, I thought you were some body else.'
Sweets: Oh man, you lyin'. You ain't never met Martin Luther the King.
Clarence: Knocked the wind out of me, yes he did.
Sweets: No, he didn't.
Clarence: Yes, he did.
Sweets: No, he did not!
Prince Akeem: Oha, it is my twenty-first birthday. Do you think perhaps just once I might use the bathroom by myself?
Oha: Most amusing, sir.
Prince Akeem: Sir, did you happen to catch the professional football contest on television last night?
Cleo McDowell: No, I didn't.
Prince Akeem: Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory.
Cleo McDowell: Son, I'm only going to tell you this one time.
Prince Akeem: Yes?
Cleo McDowell: If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.
Prince Akeem: Yes.
Saul: [interrupts the end credits] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, stop right there. Listen. Stop right there a minute. A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant. He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter; "Waiter, come taste the soup." Waiter says; "Is there something wrong with the soup?" He says; "Taste the soup." He says; "Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?" He says; "Will you taste the soup?", "What's wrong is the soup to cold?", "Will you just taste the soup?", "All right, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?", "Ah-ha!"
[he laughs, but no one else does]
Saul: What do you know from funny, ya bastard?
Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit.
Rev. Brown: If lovin' the lord is wrong, I don't want to be right.
King Jaffe Joffer: So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.
Reverend Brown: Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.
Clarence: I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. one time.
Sweets: Man, you lyin'. You ain't never met no Martin Luther the King.
Prince Akeem: But when I marry, I want the woman to love me for who I am, not because of what I am.
King Jaffe Joffer: And who are you?
Prince Akeem: I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!
King Jaffe Joffer: Wrong. You are a PRINCE who has never tied his shoes. Believe me. I tied my own shoes once. It is an overrated experience.
Lisa McDowell: [Lisa and Akeem are about to kiss] What about Patrice?
Prince Akeem: I am not interested in Patrice.
Lisa McDowell: What about Darryl?
Prince Akeem: [dryly] I am not interested in Darryl either.
Rev. Brown: He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, he helped Daniel get out the lion's den, he helped Gilligan get off the island.
Saul: A man has the right to change his name to vatever he vants to change it to. And if a man vants to be called Muhammad Ali, godammit this is a free country, you should respect his vishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!
Morris: His mamma call him Clay, imma call him Clay.
Saul: Then you're a putz. All of you are putzes. They should change the sign outside from My-T-Sharp to 'ze Three Putzes.
Telegraph Lady: You actually want to send this?
Semmi: Why? What is wrong? Read it to me.
Telegraph Lady: To His Majesty, King Jaffe Joffer, The Royal Palace, Zamunda. Sire, Akeem and I have depleted our funds. Kindly send 300, 000 American dollars immediately, as we are in dire straits. Your humble servant, Semmi.
Telegraph Lady: Semmi
[pronounces it correctly]
Semmi: Should I make it 400,000?
Telegraph Lady: You think that'd be enough?
Semmi: You are right. 500,000.
Telegraph Lady: As long as you're asking, why not go for a cool million?
Semmi: You do not think that would be too much?
Telegraph Lady: Naah.
Clarence: Hey, what's up, brother? You a little late for the Christmas pageant.
King Jaffe Joffer: I am King Jaffe Joffer, ruler of Zamunda.
Clarence: Have a seat. Chair number two will be ready in a second.
Saul: [touching the King's clothing, made from a stuffed lion] This is beautiful. What is that? Velvet?
Rev. Brown: [at Black Awareness Rally] But you know, when I look at these contestants! For the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, I feel good! I feel good, because I know there's a God somewhere! There's a God somewhere! Turn around ladies for me please! You know there's a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this! Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but you can't make it! Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya!
Semmi: [in audience to Akeem] Apparently these are the best women Queens has to offer. Pick one and let's go home.
Prince Akeem: Be patient, my friend.
Rev. Brown: Do you love Him? Do you feel joy? Say "Joy"!
Prince Akeem: Joy!
Rev. Brown: Joy! Can I get an "Ahe-men"? Don't be ashamed to call His name!
Awareness Woman: Yes, Lord!
Rev. Brown: Only God can give that woman the kind of joy she has right there! Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!
Prince Akeem: I am very happy to be here!
Rev. Brown: Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an "Amen"? Ha! Ha! I don't know you what you come to do, but *I* come to praise the name! Lord, Lord!
Maurice: Mr. McDowell?
Cleo McDowell: Yes?
Maurice: There's some people here to see you.
Cleo McDowell: They're not from McDonalds are they?
Cleo McDowell: I don't think so.
[Cleo McDowell meets the Queen of Zamunda]
Cleo: I don't know whether to shake your hand, or kiss it, or bow, or what.
Cleo: I feel like breakdancing.
Cleo: And, baby, when I tell ya the boy has got his own money, I mean the boy has got his own MONEY!
[Presents the currency of Zamunda bearing Akeem's picture]
King Jaffe Joffer: Time does fly fast, my son. It seems only yesterday I ordered your first diaper changed. Now you're a man about to be married. She will give you much pleasure, don't you think?
Prince Akeem: I'm not sure if I'm ready.
King Jaffe Joffer: Son, I know we never talked about this. I always assumed you had sex with your bathers. I know I do.
Prince Akeem: I am Akeem.
Lisa McDowell: It's nice to meet you, Akeem.
Prince Akeem: I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that requires disposal?
Lisa McDowell: No. It's totally empty.
Prince Akeem: When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.
Lisa McDowell: That's good to know.
Prince Akeem: When you think of garbage, think of Akeem.
Semmi: Now let's see if you can defend yourself, you sweat from a baboon's balls.
King Jaffe Joffer: Our son cannot consort with such a girl.
Cleo McDowell: Now wait a minute!
King Jaffe Joffer: I know you have been inconvenienced. I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars?
Cleo McDowell: No way.
King Jaffe Joffer: Very well then. Two million.
Cleo McDowell: You don't have enough money to buy my daughter off.
King Jaffe Joffer: [laughing] Nonsense.
Queen Aoleon: Jaffe, apologize to Mr. McDowell.
King Jaffe Joffer: I will do no such thing. The man is beneath me and so is his daughter.
Cleo McDowell: I don't care who you are. This is America, Jack. Say another word about Lisa, and I'll break my foot off in your royal ass.
Cleo McDowell: [to Darryl] Look, the girl doesn't like you any more! Can't you get that through your greasy head?
Lisa McDowell: Would you really have given up all of this just for me?
Prince Akeem: Of course. If you like, we can give it all up now.
Lisa McDowell: [surveys her new kingdom] Nah!
Landlord: Okay, now what the FUCK do you want?
Prince Akeem: We desire a room.
Landlord: Look, you better not be wasting my time. You got money?
[Semmi holds up money]
Landlord: Come on in, gentlemen.
Landlord: Hey Stu, your rent's due, motherfucker! And don't be pulling that falling down the stairs shit on me, you hear! Are you conscious? Shoot, every month the same damn thing.
Prince Akeem: I want a woman that will arouse my intellect as well as my loins
Randy Watson: Give a hand to my band, Sexual Chocolate.
Landlord: All right, here we are. There's only one bathroom on this floor, so you're going to have to share it. We got a bit of an insect problem, but you boys from Africa are used to that. And another thing, don't use the elevator. It's a death trap. This is the place I was telling you about. It's real fucked up. Got just one window facing a brick wall. Used to rent it to a blind man... damn shame what they did to that dog.
Semmi: Apparently these are the best women Queens has to offer. Pick one and let's go home.
Semmi: But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king.
Prince Akeem: But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend.
Cleo McDowell: [Talking on the phone] Yeah, King Jaffe Joffer's room, please. Yeah, hello, King? Yeah, Cleo McDowell here. Yeah, King, both the kids are here... together. Right. 2432 Derby Avenue, Jamaica Estates. Right. Now, King, I was wondering if - hello, King?
Basketball Game Vendor: [Bowing as he exits] This is the greatest day of my life!
Lisa McDowell: Who was that?
Prince Akeem: Oh, just a man I met in the bathroom...
Clarence: You must be outta your God-damned mind! Joe Louis the greatest boxer who ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was badder than Cassius Clay, he was better than Sugar Ray, he was badder than - who's that new boy? Mike Tyson! Look like a bull dog! He was badder than him too! He'd whip Mike Tyson's ass, he'd whip all their asses!
Saul: What about Rocky Marciano?
Clarence: Oh, there they go! There they go! Every time I start talking about boxing, a white man gotta pull Rocky Marciano outta their ass! That's they one! That's they one! Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano! Lemme tell you something once and for all! Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit!
Saul: He beat Joe Louis's ass!
Morris: That's right, he did whip Joe Louis's ass!
Clarence: Joe Louis was seventy-five years old when he fought!
Morris: I don't know how old he was, but he got his ass whooped.
Clarence: Joe Louis had come out of retirement to fight Rocky Marciano! The man was seventy-six years old! Joe Louis always lied about his age! He lied about his age all the time! One time, Frank Sinatra came in here, and sat in this chair. I say, "Frank, you hang out with Joe Louis. Just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis?" Know what Frank told me? He said "Hey, Joe Louis is a hundred thirty-seven years old." A hundred and thirty-seven years old!
Sweets: Oh, man, you ain't never meet no Frank Sinatra.
Clarence: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOU! Who's next?
Clarence: Heyyy, it's the boys from Africa, how y'all doin this evenin'?
Prince Akeem: Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?
Clarence: You gotta get out and look, they ain't just gonna fall on your lap.
Semmi: We've been to every bar in Queens.
Clarence: Well, that's where you messed up, son, you can't go to no bar to find a nice woman. You gotta go to a nice place, a quiet place like a library, there's good women there and 'erm, church, they're good girls.
Patrice McDowell: Darryl, what happened?
Darryl Jenks: [soaking wet from rain] Lisa dumped me.
Patrice McDowell: Oh, I know. You poor thing. The first thing we have to do is get you out of these wet clothes.
[Patrice takes off Darryl's jacket and starts unzipping his pants]
[Prince Akeem gets up from his end of the long dining room table]
Queen Aoleon: What is he doing?
King Jaffe Joffer: I think he's coming down here to talk to us.
Prince Akeem: Is it just me, or does every woman in Queens have a severe emotional problem?
Prince Akeem: Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?
Prince Akeem: So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?
Semmi: That is the way it has always been with men of power. It is tradition.
Prince Akeem: But how can a man get excited about a woman he's never seen?
Semmi: Do you realise that I have not had sex since we got to America?
Cleo McDowell: You know how to mop don't you?
Prince Akeem: Oh yes.
[Leaving the mop inside the wheely-bucket begins maneuvering it back and forth along the floor]
Cleo McDowell: Don't use the bucket. It'll just confuse you.
Sweets: [Morris drops a chicken bone into the collection basket] Donations! Donations!
Morris: Oh! I thought it was the trash!
Darryl Jenks: Wearing clothes must be a new experience for you.
Cab Driver: [Akeem steps in front of the cab, causing the cab to screech to a sudden halt] YOU DUMB FUCK!
Prince Akeem: Take us to Queens at once.
Queen Aoleon: Put a sock in it Joffe, the boy's in love!
Devil Woman: I've got a secret...
[Prince Akeem and Semmi lean forward to listen closely]
Devil Woman: I worship the devil.
Prince Akeem: Are you saying that no matter what I tell you to do, you will do?
Imani Izzi: Yes, Your Highness.
Prince Akeem: Anything I say, you'll do?
Imani Izzi: Yes, Your Highness.
Prince Akeem: Bark like a dog.
Imani Izzi: Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Prince Akeem: A big dog.
Imani Izzi: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Prince Akeem: Hop on one leg.
Imani Izzi: [hops on one leg] Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Prince Akeem: Make a noise like an orangutan.
Imani Izzi: [still hopping on one leg] Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo!
Rose Bearer: Good morning, Your Highness.
Rose Bearer: Good morning, Your Highness.
Rose Bearer: Good morning, Your Highness.
Oha: Happy birthday, Your Highness.
Prince Akeem: [thinks] Yes, it *is* my birthday.
Prince Akeem: Fascinating! Semmi, look at this! America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, one can throw glass on the streets!
Stuck-Up girl: I'm not interested in a man unless he drives a BMW.
Tough girl: Hey, baby, I'm almost single. My husband's on death row.
Semmi: [looking at America on a globe] The land is so big. The choices so infinite. Where shall we go: L.A. or New York?
Morris: Pound for pound, Sugar Ray Robinson's the greatest fighter that ever lived!
Clarence: Aw, come on, man! What about Joe Louis?
Saul: The Brown Bomber! Now that was a great boxer!
Morris: You damn right!
Sweets: I suppose nobody in here ever heard of Cassius Clay?
Morris: He got a point. Cassius Clay was a bad motherfucker!
Clarence: I ain't saying Clay ain't bad. I'm just saying I stopped liking Cassius Clay once he changed his name to Moh-hammad Ali! What kinda shit is that?
Saul: Wait a second, wait a second! A man has got the right to change his name to whatever he wants to change it to. And if a man wants to be called Muhammad Ali, Goddamit, this is a free country, you should respect his wishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!
Morris: His Momma named him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay.
Clarence: Mmm-hmm! That's right!
Sweets: I say Clay.
Saul: Get outta here.
Clarence: Ha-ha-ha! That's right! That's right! He gonna always be Clay to me. I don't give a fuck what he change his name to. He is Clay! He Clay to me. I say Clay.
Saul: Well, then, you're a putz. The three of you. Three putzes. You should change the name outside from My-T-Sharp to The Three Putzes.
Prince Akeem: Just for once, I would like to cook for myself and take care of myself, dress myself, wipe my own backside.
Imani Izzi: Ever since I was born, I've been trained to serve you.
Prince Akeem: Yes, I know this. But I would like to know about you. What do you like to do?
Imani Izzi: Whatever you like.
Prince Akeem: What kind of music do you like?
Imani Izzi: Whatever kind of music you like.
Prince Akeem: Look, I know what I like. And I know that you know what I like because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know what you like. For instance, do you have a favourite food?
Imani Izzi: Yes!
Prince Akeem: Good! What is your favourite food?
Imani Izzi: Whatever food you like.
Prince Akeem: This is impossible. Listen, from this moment on, I command you not to obey me!
Imani Izzi: No.
Semmi: Let me get this straight. You can have a woman that will obey you're every command, but you want a woman who has an *opinion*!
Prince Akeem: Only *dogs* are to obey.
Cleo McDowell: A prince. He's a prince. Oh, Lisa, you did it this time. You hit the jackpot. Your little goat herder makes Darryl look like a welfare case.