Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988 TV Short)
Melchet: Greetings of the season to you, Blackadder! May the Yule log slip from your fire and burn your house down!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Baldrick, I want you to go out and buy a turkey so large you'd think it's mother had been rogered by an omnibus.
Ebenezer Blackadder: My what a jolly fellow.
Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, but if one peels away the layers of a 'fat git' you'll probably find a...
Baldrick: Thin git!
Ebenezer Blackadder: I'm afraid the only way you are likely to get a wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet.
Enormous Orphan, Enormous Orphan, Enormous Orphan: [Sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"] God bless Mister B. at Christmastime / And baby Jesus too / If we were little pigs we'd sing: / "Piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piiiiiiig-gy wiggy wiggy woo / Piggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, pig wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wooooooo!"
Ebenezer Blackadder: [applauds] UTTER crap!
Baldrick: Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we haven't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...
Ebenezer Blackadder: On some other dogs!
Baldrick: Yeah. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "peace on earth, good will to mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back ride!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behavior for the Son of God, Mister Baldrick! Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?
Spirit of Christmas: You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more... medicinal?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, I see. No, I've only got some of "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion."
Spirit of Christmas: [takes bottle] Oh! Nothing but the best at this house!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: Shall I begin the Christmas story?
George, the Prince Regent: Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: You mean *Jesus,* Sire...?
George, the Prince Regent: Yes, that's the fellow! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the X-mas atmos!
George, the Prince Regent: I mean, for heaven's sake! What can I possibly do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh?
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: I cannot conceive.
Baldrick: Christmas is a time for miracles. So maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us.
Queen Elizabeth I: I want a present! Give me something nice and shiny! And if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you and it's called an axe.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: HA! Got him with my subtle plan!
Baldrick: I can't see any subtle plan!
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"
Lord Edmund Blackadder: I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Mrs. Scratchit: [sobbing] No goose for Tiny Tom this year.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.
Frondo: What news of the foul Marmydons?
Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder: Scattered to the nine vectors, m'lord.
Frondo: And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatticon Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?
Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder: Well they're dead, if that's what you mean.
Pigmot: Plus Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?
Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder: No, my lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibbles because you just made them up.
Ebeneezer Blackadder: In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you.
Baldrick: Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?
Ebeneezer Blackadder: It's a fist. It's for hitting people with. (Punches Baldrick) And the great thing is, you can use it again and again! (hits Baldrick again)
[Ebeneezer Blackadder holds up a small pine twig in lieu of a proper Christmas tree]
Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler ain't it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes but size isn't important my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it!
Baldrick: Mr. B! Where's the milk of human kindness?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
[Blackadder has just unwittingly slammed the door in the faces of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert]
Ebeneezer Blackadder: I am not at home to guests!
Prince Albert: I flatter myzelf ve are llather special guests, sir.
Ebeneezer Blackadder: Oh, of course, I must apologize! It isn't often that one receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.
Prince Albert: Ah, zo you llecognize us at last!
Ebeneezer Blackadder: Yes! Unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the 'Round Britain Shortest Fattest Dumpiest Woman Competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.
Baldrick: I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course. How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: "Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof!"
Spirit of Christmas: [complimenting Ebenezer Blackadder on his goodly nature] Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflints. You know that old fella across the road? Bags of money; I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his "John Thomas" as a draught excluder!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! Old people today! Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective!
Ebenezer Blackadder: [after the Spirit shows him a vision of his future] So, let's get this straight: If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe!
Spirit of Christmas: Maybe... Maybe... But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe is not all it's cracked up to be - there's the long hours... I mean, you wave at people the whole time. You're no longer your own boss.
Ebenezer Blackadder: But, so, what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold?
Spirit of Christmas: Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. I've got four hauntings and a 'scare-the-bugger-to-death' to do before morning.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [counting the year's profits] Seventeen pounds and a penny.
Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed!
Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner.
[Looks at Ralph]
Ebenezer Blackadder: ... and she seems to have brought the fish course with her! Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
Ralph: I think... it's me!
Millicent: This is Ralph - he's my fiance!
Ralph: We're in love!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Shut up!
Millicent: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the... the horridest man in the world!
Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing myself.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [hits Baldrick in the back of the head] ... when spoken to.
Ebenezer Blackadder: I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand - blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book!
Mrs. Scratchit: Ah, Mr. Ebenezer! I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me...? or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas...?
Ebenezer Blackadder: I've always found you 'foul,' Mrs. Scratchit - and more than a little! As for Tiny Tom's Christmas: he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Cork it, fatso! Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age, where apart from Queen Piglet-Features herself, women and children are to be seen and not heard!
Prince Albert: Queen Piglet-Features!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes! "Empress Oink," us lads call her. The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband. "The Pig and the Prig," we call them. How they ever managed to produce their one hundred and twelve children is quite beyond me. The bed-chambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds!
Ebenezer Blackadder: ...it points to the very clear lesson thad bad guys have all the fun!
Ebenezer Blackadder: "Christmas" has an H in it, Mr Baldrick. And an R. Also an I and an S; also a T, an M, an A, and another S. Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, well, another year without profit. Still, it is Christmas. And let us remember, Mr. Baldrick, that be we as stoney as a Biblical execution it is still the season of good cheer and we have all our Christmas treats.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Cor, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
Ebenezer Blackadder: ...it points to the very clear lesson thad bad guys have all the fun!